Another "husband drops the bombshell" thread.....advice please..

[LostinOz]

Ok, won't bore you with details, but finally my husband has been honest with me and said that he is feeling lost, like he is drifting and that he does not know if he wants to or can do what he knows he needs to do to keep our marriage together.

He wants to go and se a counsellor, and wants some space to work his head out. We live in Australia, family are in the UK. Have DS (nearly 4)

What is better, stay and co habit whilst he works out what he wants (I want to work at it and have been trying to so so for ages with no response), we are good friends there is no rowing etc, then when we do need to talk we can do it face to face, or go back to the UK for a while and let him have proper disctance.

By doing that we are quite literally a world apart, which has it's pluses (e.g he can feel what it really will be like without us) but will the not having face time be a problem???

He travels extensivly anyway, most weeks, school hols are coming up here and he is away for nearly all of them overseas.

Any advice please, don't need any "throw him out and change the locks" advice, it is just not like that. He is very emotionally closed and has become more and more distant over the years since DS was born. I am just lonely and it is affecting my self esteem massivly, not to the point that he thinks it is cruel to me to carry on when he does not think he can or wants to change,

yerblut is indeed rather blunt but does indeed have a point. REad any of the threads about women who discovered their DH's having affairs and understand how truly devastated and cut of at the knees they feel and you will have some inkling of how he felt even if he isn't able to express it. Even if he was also at fault in the problmes with your reltionship at the time, he didn't have an affair you did and perhaps the fact that you say it was out of character makes it worse. Perhaps he doubts everything he thought he knew about you as he never thought you would cheat on him.

I have been cheated on its soul destroying.

You may to work very hard to convince it it truly was a one off response to a specific situation you were in at the time.

Good luck to you both.

I think the issues are more deep rooted than the affair, but the affair has destroyed him inside and changed fundamentally how he feels about me. The affair was completely out of character and as Kewcumber said, probably has made it worse for him. After this I think he really felt he did not know me like he thought he did.

We have alsways had seperation in our relationship, I was on a Navy warship for 4 months and he was working for a Dutch bank in the red light district of Amsterdam just after we got married, I could not understand why people thought the other my be concerned about fidelity, we used to chuckle about the people who posed the question "doesn't your other half mind you being here". We were solid as, I broke that, OK there were reasons, but I am not shying away from the fact that i broke it, we have never been the same, the more I try the more he withdraws.

I don't know if I will ever get him back. I have tried and tried and will try some more.

He does not want me anymore, and is withdrawing from our DS.

It is breaking my heart. I am praying that the counselling will help.I just want my friend back.

Ahh poor dh and you . You've been through the mill. You need to be kind to yourselves and each other. New life, new country, new baby - that in itself changes the family dynamic hugely for any young couple.

Normally you lean on each other heavily at this time ime, but dh's emotional and physical distance (exacerbated no doubt by the affair), plus your mother's sad prognosis and probably a host of other things too - has placed intolerable pressures on you both and something's had to give - which has been your relationship. It sounds like you've both been stoically carrying on but it's time to seek help.

There has been some excellent advice on here imo about you both having counselling, together and separately. Is this something you could both go and arrange through your gp?

The fact that your dh is still there is a good sign, that the spark between you can be relit and of course there's your lovely dc to consider - but your dh does sound very depressed. Another reason for seeing the gp perhaps?

Just spoken to him about this thread and what advice we have been given, all if it is really helping, including the blunt stuff. I need to hear it like it is, from people who have experience or views, I also will go for counselling and hopefully with him.

I broke down and told him again how sorry i was about the affair, that because it was so out of character maybe it has made it worse for him etc etc. I also said that I have always felt marginly justified for doing it (at the time the news broke of what I had been up to, rather than people having a go a go at me I a lot of sympathy from family on both sides and friends, he got the ticking off, he became very apologetic after a short spell back with his family away from us immeadiatly after confronting me). I told him that I was truly sorry, that i would never compromise us again, and I wanted to be solid again like we were.

He said I should stop beating myself up, and that the affair was only a small part of how he was feeling now. His biggest issue was about our lack of intimacy. He does occasionally get the urge to have sex but not with me and this was the case before the affair, and in fact, if I am being honest, we had intimacy issues before we got married. We just got on so well that it did not matter.

I asked him if he fancies other women and he said "sometimes". I asked him if he looked at porn, would that turn him on, he said no.

He said that he is sleeping badly, getting short tempered and withdrawn from me as he is frustrated sexually.

For at least 5 years we have not had sex spontaneously, our son was born through IVF and pretty quickly after getting married we tried for children, then found out IVF would be needed and the whole medical science timetabling in kicked in. As soon as I was pregnant, that was it really.

So this really is a bigger issue than the affair and he is not convinced it can be fixed. His eyes are so sad, he hugged me, he told me he loves me.

My self esteem is in my boots and has been for ages.People tell me I am attractive and I think they are just being nice. I am a size 10 and feel like a giant. I am tired of feeling like this too. I have recently been looking at some old photos and I used to look so full of energy and happy and confident, I don't feel like this now.

Going fora run, this is the only thing that makes me feel better, that, and the fact my DS is going through a "I love you mummy" phase, that is priceless.X

Sorry but if someone has made up his/her mind to end a relationship, there is nothing that can be done to 'make that relationship work'. It's finished and the best use of counselling is to make the separation amicable.

Hi LostinOZ how are you?
You need a hug with all the things that are going on in your family!

And some posters haven't been all together kind - I remember your earlier posts and threads, and feel that your posting style is pretty much upfront and open - you haven't hidden your affair as yerblut made out.

I was talking with my DH about you and your DH and he thinks that if your DH was his friend he would suggest to him to go to the doctor for depression. my Dh thinks that your Dh died inside at 15 and hasn't been alive since his dad died - he's just been operating at a socially and professionally competent level. no room for intimacy there.

you sound under a lot of strain and I'm not surprised you feel your self esteem is in your boots: I'm not surprised you had an affair - a cry for help - and wonder if you actually are going to follow your heart and have courage to leave a relationship which isn't meeting your basic human need for intimacy.

best of luck with your decisions: counseling will help sort out your priorities and help you make the decisions you need to make for your own life.

Go and give your delicious little DS a hug. I'm glad you are able to run as well - it's very good to get the endorphins flowing, and good for a positive outlook.

Hi, thanks for all the support, I am feeling OK. Running helps me keep my mind straight. I can see some pathways forward here. We both have counseling and one of the following things happens:
(1) we manage to re build things, hopefully to be even stronger
(2) we separate but live under the same roof until it becomes difficult for either one of us
(3) one of us leaves and we live nearby to each
(4) DS and I move to Sydney where we have lots of friends from the UK that we have known since school, they are the closest thing to family here
(5) DS and I move back to the UK

I really really don't want to split up. My DH is so sad, and can hardly bring himself to smile. We chatted earlier about sex and agreed that he stopped getting the urge as soon as I gotpregnant. He really wants to understand WHY he is feeling like he is. I will talk to him about the comments about his Dad dying, he really never talks about that loss at all, I will also talk to him about whether he needs to see a GP.

I feel stronger now that we are at least talking about the massive elephant in the corner. I know that I cannot carry on as a human being feeling like I do, I know this will be a slow process to fix and I will try. I feel sick to the core about the thought of my DH deciding that he does not want me and cannot stay being unhappy, but inside I do not want him unhappy too. He obviously has been for ages and so have I, and we have both been in denial.

I want my frind, but I also need to have a connection with him on a different level to that of a friend.

Thanks mumsnetters, this is helping us both as I am relaying your comments,

I think he should see his GP for a physical as well - just in case there is a physical reason for his lack of sex drive. Low testosterone for example. Esp given that answer about porn. Btw have you asked about masturbation? Because if there's none of that either he should def see his GP.

It would be ridiculous to end up in counselling etc because of a hormone imbalance!

LostInOz are you really taking responsibility for your actions?

You said
"I also said that I have always felt marginly justified for doing it (at the time the news broke of what I had been up to, rather than people having a go a go at me I a lot of sympathy from family on both sides and friends"

.... Can you tell me how ANYONE is justified for;

• lying to their partner
• breaking marriage vows made before god and all your friends and family
• cheating on your HUSBAND
• having sex with someone else - don't give me any crap like 'oh it just happened that we got naked and had sex'

... yes, I may be blunt, and you have to hear it 'like it is' , sometimes the group hug-a-thon that goes on this board tries and justifies and facilitates shitty bad behaviour.

You did the dirty, now you have to live with the consequences.

No matter how tough things get, you don't go and jump into bed with someone else.

I'm glad that others have backed me up on this thread, as others have said - reverse the sexes for a instant ... not nice is it?

I do hope things work out for you, it sounds like things have been tough, especially the IVF. But that does not for one minute excuse your behaviour or betrayal.

It may take a huge amount of time and effort to overcome this betrayal from your husband, he may not be able to - after all, his world has just been cut from underneath him.

Go to marriage guidance counselling, do the work - and don't shag someone else in future!

oh FGS yerblurt leave it!

Everybody including the OP agrees with you but why do you have to be so LOUD?

yerblurt - we know, she knows.

She said what you said.

So your point is?

yerblurt is obviously nominating herself for perfect mumsnetter of the year.People do weird things under pressure.Affairs are never a good idea but it has been going on since time began and is not insurmountable.FWIW i think some time living apart and dating again could be good for you to re ignite the spark and intimacy

yerblurt is a bloke

So, Yerblurt, once LostinOz has stopped wearing the sackcloth and ashes whilst whipping herself, how do you think she should move on? Jeez...

Lostinoz, I hope that counselling and just generally trying to understand each other helps you both. At least you are both confronting the problem now and working towards a solution, whatever that will be.

LostinOz I read your op and felt so sad. My h is in the same boat as you, though I am trying to get over his affair. I totally understand why he is detaching himself from you though and that the more you try to be close, the more he pulls away. This is what I am doing. I don't want to, but it happens.
I think you've been very honest about your affair and I think you've been beating yourself up enough without others joining in. If you were defending it, I would have a different attitude. I hope things work out. The fact that he loves you is important. Counselling is a good idea. I think the counselling on his own is also good (esp. at the beginning) as he may open up more without you there. It sounds like he has a lot of skeletons in the closet.

Yurblurt, walk a mile in someone elses shoes before you critisise someone for their failings.

The thing is, loving someone is different to being in love with someone.

LIO, I hope you get it sorted. I too have had virtually no intimate contact since being pg and it's really tough when you want that closeneess with the someone you are in love with.
I have been lucky that I haven't had a man offering me a shoulder to cry on or a body to have sex with. Who knows if I or anyone else in the same/similar situation would be strong enough to walk away from the thing you crave so much and truly, genuinely only want that thing with one particular person who is just not willing.

We have been away for the weekend, hotel was way above expectations and laughs we had as a family were priceless. He told me that he find me and my DH a chore. Today,DH moved into hotel, I actually feel some relief.

Yerblurt, I am sorry for for your now/previous issues, they have obviously hurt you deeply. Talk to us about them, the people that respond here are non judgenmental and open, connect with us?! You clearly have been heart by deception? XXXX

This weekend we went away, he told me he stop wanting having sex when I got pregnant, 5 years ago when I was pregnant, 2 years before the affair, does not blame me for the affair at all, does not have any bond with our son (he told me today but I already knew) is not sure he want me or a family anymore. He is lovely, I adore him,he is so sad,but have had enough. I have felt so rejected for so long, Whilst the messages are horrible, that fact we are in fact being open is brilliant,

He is in a hotel for a couple of nights.

It is my 7 year anniversary tomorrow,,,,

Sorry here when I say DH I mean DS.

at no bond with his son and he finds his family a chore.

You know where you stand now. Time to be VERY VERY VERY selfish.

If that's the way he's been feeling since before his son's birth, he's robbed you of 4 years in which you could already have reconstructed your life and conned his son into thinking he had a father. Now his son has to learn to live without him.

I think you need to start being angry. "he is lovely, I adore him, he is so sad" is not a healthy response.

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach after reading your post.

So practically what are you going to do?

I can't help feeling you are both indulging him slightly.Sorry

sorry that was a bit out of line

You obviously care very much for him.
Seems like you feel relieved to be separating?
wish you the best.

Hmm so he stopped wanting sex with you when you were pregnant and he has no bond with his son. The two are related imo. He needs to get counselling. When h and I went, one of the first questions the counsellor asked was how h had felt about me when I was pg and what his bond with ds was like. In our case this wasn't a problem but it must be a very common one for her to have asked him.

LostinOz - he really needs to get some counselling about losing his dad, as well as the rest of course!

Apologiges for the cod-psychology but it sounds like he has stopped himself bonding with your DS so that he never has to feel any hurt if anything were to happen to DS (God forbid); and possibly to try and avoid DS being hurt in the same way he was, if anything were to happen to him - although if your DS loves his daddy like you say, that is clearly not going to be the case.

Counselling is really good but can take a long time to achieve good results, especially with deep-seated and closed off issues (usually around 2 years, ime). If you can persuade him to it, NLP might be a good alternative for him, especially in terms of him finding out what he really wants from life.

So for you - hope it works out for you all.