Another "husband drops the bombshell" thread.....advice please..

[LostinOz]

Ok, won't bore you with details, but finally my husband has been honest with me and said that he is feeling lost, like he is drifting and that he does not know if he wants to or can do what he knows he needs to do to keep our marriage together.

He wants to go and se a counsellor, and wants some space to work his head out. We live in Australia, family are in the UK. Have DS (nearly 4)

What is better, stay and co habit whilst he works out what he wants (I want to work at it and have been trying to so so for ages with no response), we are good friends there is no rowing etc, then when we do need to talk we can do it face to face, or go back to the UK for a while and let him have proper disctance.

By doing that we are quite literally a world apart, which has it's pluses (e.g he can feel what it really will be like without us) but will the not having face time be a problem???

He travels extensivly anyway, most weeks, school hols are coming up here and he is away for nearly all of them overseas.

Any advice please, don't need any "throw him out and change the locks" advice, it is just not like that. He is very emotionally closed and has become more and more distant over the years since DS was born. I am just lonely and it is affecting my self esteem massivly, not to the point that he thinks it is cruel to me to carry on when he does not think he can or wants to change,

I woke up this morning, REALLY angry, angry that he felt like this for 4 years. I felt he started to withdraw from our relationship after our DS was born and as he did so he could see me getting more and more unhappy. I have supported him throughout this period and he has neglected me both physically and emotionally. His participation with our DS has been quite frankly, poor.

I have asked him to find some longer term accomodation, removed my wedding ring, and cancelled the meeting with him we were due to have after his first counselling session when we were going to talk about how it went. I do not have the energy to hold his hand through the journey that he needs to make. I do not want to talk about us anymore unless he is 100% committed to trying to fix things and we work together to develop a plan.

I have been trying for 4 years to get my friend back, I know the affair was not exactly condusive to getting him back, but he was gone before that.

I have been feeling so unhappy, so low, so lost, so resentful for so long.I want my unit back, I want my friend back, but I cannot continue to feel like I have.

I am also really committed to not feeling angry or bitter for long. I want to remain platonic friends with my DH, I want to be good parents whether we live together or not, which includes family holidays and regular contact with each others in laws. My best mates parents broke up when she was 5 and DH and I often joked about if we ever split up we would be like her folks, family day trips, annual family holidays, Christmas's together.They both got new partners but her parents were very clear from the start that this was the deal they had made when they split.

I don't want to shut DH out while he is going through the counselling, I don't want to live apart . Howver, I also don't want to waste another 2 years while he makes his mind if he wants us. He needs to be committed to wanting us first, then I will be there all the way, but he just does not know if he does. I am just not sure I can support him anymore, I am feeling out of energy.

Going round in a full circle here, what should I do, if there was a glimmer we could get it back I would, but am just afraid of wasting time when I have been trying for so long.

I think you are being remarkably level headed.

it would be fantastic if you could evolve the way you describe,
But I still think you should just be weary of his commitment as a father. You might get awfully disappointed. His therapy is not a sure guaranty that he'll emerge a better father.
Read the lone parents threads and be prepared.

You need to start removing yourself from the relationship and authorise yourself a new lease on life.

Who knows what will happen next year? maybe you want to get back together. In the meantime, please be a little selfish.

Also for his own good, it's better for him to enter therapy without you hovering around. Do not encourage him to discuss.
Give him space to do his own thinking without holding his hand.

hugs

Hijack>Hijack over

How you are feeling sounds very normal and understandable.

My husband has had to watch me go to the edge of sanity and back whilst I resolved my childhood issues and depression it is only now 8 years on the woman he fell in love with is returning, however in that time I was committed to staying as a family unit - we had3 children and got married during that time.

I suppose I'm saying perhaps it will all turn out okay and your best friend will come back but I do understand your need to stand back and let him sort himself out and look after yourself emotional. If he choses to be committed to the marriage then is some ways it will be like starting again - fresh slate etc.

Wishing you courage and strength!

Slim,you are a diamond,thanks.

I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders, SO many questions have been answered in the last 48 hours, I have been second guessing my DH for 4 years, blaming all the negative stuff on me, saying it because I do this or did that,actually it is much more deep rooted and on Dh's side.

Strangely, in the last 48 hours he has been way more engaged as a dad, called before bedtime, made some noises about what he might like to do with DS at the weekend ( I cannot EVER remember him pre planning a weekend with DS ever). I am feeling like MUM of the decade, rather than feeling low, like my expectations have not been met, like a call or if we do speak it is about household admin when I really want to hear about his day. Every time we have spoken for a the last few months I have cried afterwards. I see a brigher more optimistic way forward. I feel stronger than I have for ages. I refuse to become negative and resentful to DH, but I have moved on.

We have some practical stuff to work out,like what we do this weekend, does he stay in spare room, does he go back to the hotel etc. We are lucky, there is no china being smashed here, he is not going to f me over finacially, our priority right now is to treat each other with respect and dignity.

I don't think we can repair things in all honesty, I am not sure we should put each other through it either.

Thankyou all for your support, you have been there for me when I have really really needed it, you have taken your time to share my hurt, I will take time every day to help other posters, may name change or may not

xxxx

no need to change names in my case I have the attention span of a newt and can't recall what I had for breakfast! Glad you;re feeling mroe positive even if its for the wrong reasons (IYSWIM)

you know for your dh having said how he really feels is his first step to changing how he does feel which can only be good for all of you what ever the future holds.

I am hoping that he can sort his head out. I say this in a way which is not meant to be unkind, but this is issue though. I just hope he can. He is a lovely bloke and I still love him, just cannot live with him anymore.

My neighbour cooked me lamb shanks and loads of rasted veg tonight, appple pie and icecream for dessert. We had a bath, lots of bubbles, and stories. I am so lucky, I have family, friends (and cyber ones).

Jammies on, hot choc in hand, it is night in Oz, adious amigos

nite nite from singapore

He starts counseling today, from what posters have said and from what I know, I think he may be in it for some time. The outcome is uncertain obviously, I am torn between wanting to separate and give him space to let him get his head straight, using the time myself to work out what I want (the sensible option), or to say sod it, I have had enough, what he wants to do with his head is his business now (the angry/hurt/end of tether/wanting to have some clear direction to plan my future option). Help! Head says former,do you agree??

How do we manage the in between stage if we do seperate and use the time to get heads straight? The idea of him renting is ludicrous (we have house big enough to have space), but I do not want him in my space right now, not in a angry, just that I need space too.

He will be overseas a lot in the next few months which means separation will be inevitable. I was thinking he could come and stay in the spare room at weekends, has terrible snoring, so could come up with some excuse to DS on that (right thing to do, e,g white lie?) and I am OK with him having time with DS anytime.

Part of me wants to shut him out of my life, only talk about DS, do stuff with DS at the weekend or on our own depending on how each other feel. Part of me wants to keep the talking going now, so chat etc, get babysitters and go out to talk etc.

Guess it's not just about me, it is about what he wants too.

help please am confused about how to manage this interim stage???

oo, you are in a painful place at the moment so don't make any rash, emotionally-charged decisions.

If he is away a lot then you will get your space anyway, as you have said. Depending on how long he is back between oversease trips, he could go to a B&B (or Aussie equivalent?) or stay in your spare room for a while.

Use the time while he is away to have some counselling yourself so you don't just brood over things - you can go to relationship/couples counselling by yourself as I'm sure you know - and that will help you to clarify what you want from the situation.

I am only re-iterating what you have said yourself really - but sometimes that's all you need!

HTH

Thanks, going to counselling today. Was thinking through all the things I have done to contirbute to our situation and shared these with DH last night.

He said to stop, saying he moved on from me years ago, just bottled it up,I was pregnant, he wanted to try and was hoping his feelings would change when I had the baby. Has stayed for 4+ years like like. Explains so much about bonding, sharing his world we me,his relationship with my friends and family (very distant), his lack of appreciation for the little things I do for him and the lack of imagination from him.

I am not cross with him, thereis not a malicious bone in his body, he wants to be supportive in every way and is going to counselling to understand why he feels like he feels, why he behaved like he did and if he can feel differently. I don't think he can, and knowing how he has been feeling I can stop blaming myself and beating myself up.

LostinOz, I am glad you can stop blaming yourself, that is great. And while it is tragic, the situation you are now in, fair play to your DH for sticking it as long as he has, feeling like he didn't want to be there. That shows more gumption than a lot of blokes these days (although not as much as some others).

I think the saddest thing for all of you is his inability to connect emotionally with his son, which suggests that there is far more to it than just "moving on from you" - loads of people move on from their OH without excluding their kids.

I really hope you can all find some peace with this situation; it sounds like you're still going to be on good terms anyway.

hi

Well in a sense I guess he finally did the right thing by telling it as it is.
Maybe he is just starting to open up now that it is out in the open and he no longer feels trapped in this marriage.
I hope this will be the catalyst to fuel his therapy and help him regain enough emotional confidence to reconnect with his son.

As for you, you are free go out and have some fun. At some point in your therapy you should feel anger. Don't block it for the sake of keeping a friendly relationship for your son. Ride the storm first, be angry. Later you can be friends. But process your own emotions too.

take care.

I have my first job interview after 4 years off.
DS is 4 and in school now but DD just 4 months. Been having nightmares about frozen stock of breastmilk!
Wish me luck.

So many views and I've not given them all the justice they deserve...

By all means stay in Australia and work on your relationship - go to counselling and find out about your needs and desires... also to give him time to do the same

But don't alow his silent 'suffering' make you fester about the affair that you had. If you've been able to compartmentalise it, it's now your dh who needs to let this go

I think you've done the time in penance - he needs to acknowledge that you ARE committed

Lost in Oz good luck with it all, you seem to be doing everything you can to keep things together, and you'll have nothing to regret if it was not possible in the end. I do think you need to be in the same country as him for any hope of a future together, even if he does travel a lot with work.

This may not cheer you up, but I read an interview recently with a couple who'd been married since the 1950's or so, and the writer asked what their ups and downs had been. 'Oh, the 1970s were pretty bad,' said the wife. So perhaps try to remember that life is long

Thanks all,

Hope the interview went well Slim. I am going back to work full time but jst till end of Jan, a friend is having DS after school, the support has been incredible. Women are so good at holding each other up, and so are some men. My brothers, and a few male friends have been great too, truly.

I just have realised how little he has put into this relationship for so long, really for 4+ years and how it has impacted my whole being. I never wanted this when I got married, no one does of course.

Have a great day, have another friend cooking for me tonight, never eaten so well!!!

xx

LIO, sorry to read your tale and a lot of sympathy from me for both of you. Can you see this as a TRIAL SEPARATION? I mean, not the be all and end all? Counselling CAN make a huge difference. Has he had medical investigations regarding his sex drive? He sounds extremely depressed. But it sounds like you still have connections there. Good luck.

I hope so,I really do,I just feel numb and by my nature want certainty about things, right now I cannot get that as it it totally out of my control.

I have has such a wake up call baout so much and how, much I want to make this work, I just want him to feel the same, or come close,I do not want to lose him at all.

Hi lostinoz, i feel for you even thou trying to get over my husbands affair, but thats another story,please dont beat your self up about your affair, i do believe woman have affairs for other reasons than men, also no more awful posts from yerblunt , there is blunt and blunt and whilst reading the threads did wonder if it was a man, , You decide whats best with your H and work out things for your DS, Life is to short to feel unhappy and ugly or fat, and shine. I wish you all well and hope things work out for you in the end x

Thanks Sparky, sorry you are going through the pain of getting over the affair and please take all of your own advice. I know that I cannot go on feeling like I have been feeling. My DH came over for dinner a couple of nights ago and we was WAY more engaged with my DS and chatty to me. He is unhappy too and if he can be a better Dad and friend to me (and I am going to need him as a friend here in Australia when both my parents are going through their treatment for cancer), then this is a good thing and a good thing for my DS.

Saw a child psycologist yesterday who gave me some good advice on how to manage DH moving into the spare room.

We are going to a friends farm tomorrow together, her parents have bought a shetland pony for the kids to ride, he will LOVE that. Sunday is Fathers day here. This morning we bought a book call "The most unusual and unbelieveable cars in the world" - DS choice, and Daddy will enjoy readind that to him. Also made a card and a choc cake (DS ate most of it during the making) and bought him some tongs for the BBQ.

As I said before, no plate smashing here. I have done the caring for my DS,worried about him eating veg and what school he goes to for years. I've made all the decisions for the family and made sure we are connected to both our extended families. My husband says he has moved on from me and whilst I really want it to work and am totally realising the enormity of getting divorced and do not want that, I do not want to feel likeI do anymore and unless there is a monumental change in him which includes wanting and appreciating me again, then lets split and fingers crossed he can be a more engaged and supporting Dad and friend to me whilst not being in a relationship with me.

hi there!
You have such a clear head! it's good to see that things are progressing in a serene athmosphere. You sound so caring and mature. I'm sure you are a great support to those around you and hope you get some back. Be it from DH or another man when the time is right.
I wish you all the best for your family.

Sparky, what an interesting comment you made:
" i do believe woman have affairs for other reasons than men, "

Would you be prepared to go into more detail?

Is there a difference?

Perhaps this should be another thread.

Sorry, but just to burst the bubble, I just kicked my DH up the backside when he said that he did not think it was practical to see my DS mid week when he is in town rather than overseas, during the week and was not sure how he felt about anythibg towards us or him, I have just broken my toe I think as I have kicked him up the backside as he supped some wine I had bought, had the footy on the telly and was cooking himself his fav meal. Sorry ANGRY

Also, just told me that he did wine tasting on the way home which is whay he is late