Another "husband drops the bombshell" thread.....advice please..

[LostinOz]

Ok, won't bore you with details, but finally my husband has been honest with me and said that he is feeling lost, like he is drifting and that he does not know if he wants to or can do what he knows he needs to do to keep our marriage together.

He wants to go and se a counsellor, and wants some space to work his head out. We live in Australia, family are in the UK. Have DS (nearly 4)

What is better, stay and co habit whilst he works out what he wants (I want to work at it and have been trying to so so for ages with no response), we are good friends there is no rowing etc, then when we do need to talk we can do it face to face, or go back to the UK for a while and let him have proper disctance.

By doing that we are quite literally a world apart, which has it's pluses (e.g he can feel what it really will be like without us) but will the not having face time be a problem???

He travels extensivly anyway, most weeks, school hols are coming up here and he is away for nearly all of them overseas.

Any advice please, don't need any "throw him out and change the locks" advice, it is just not like that. He is very emotionally closed and has become more and more distant over the years since DS was born. I am just lonely and it is affecting my self esteem massivly, not to the point that he thinks it is cruel to me to carry on when he does not think he can or wants to change,

Thanks, toe Ok, probably not that violent, blimey, not me,but boy he is cold and fish, he doesnot know what he thinks, does not know what he wants, I am in limbo, but getting cross

Has told me he wants to talk to talk to his counsellor but more than sure does not want to get back,

Should I kick out?

He is stressing me out, I am due back to work and he is stressing me,

He does not want me, what should I do

LIO!
Why are you clinging to someone who has repeatedly told you he does not feel anything. Not for you and more shockingly not towards his son!!

FGS lady! I've tried not to say this as I know you want to work on this relationship but his IS cold as a fish.
Kick him out. Get your life back. Give yourself respect. don't allow him to say "I don't feel anything". Fair enough about you but about his son? A father does not say that. It is very shocking.
What next? are you going to remain in this limbo for 1 month? a year? 4 more years? until he says it to his son?
Believe me, as your son grows, he will not need anyone to spell it out for him, he will get it and it will damage him.

I know he is a good man, I know he is your friend but he is not behaving like a good man.
This is beyond selfish. It's pathological and he must get professional help. In the meantime, you have to kick him out to allow him (hopefully) to realise the enormity of his cold words towards his family.

Sending you lots of hugs.

Am so on your behalf.

It's not like you don't have a life. You seem to have a good circle around you. I know it's a lot to take on at this particular time when your parents are ill. But I do think distancing yourself from this relationship will still be more bearable in the long run than dealing with all the constant roller coaster of this situation.

Hi LIO - I think you will find it quite liberating to rid your home of this presence - he is giving off vibes towards you that can't be useful at all and sapping your energies by breathing your oxygen (physically and metaphorically). He IS being selfish, even if he has background reasons for it, it's not an excuse to be mean and behave badly. At the very least, his attitude is discourteous.

I don't think the spare room is far enough - he needs to be out of your living space, he sounds like a bit of raincloud, causing overcast conditions. If he moves out, even temporarily, the sun might come out again for you.

This is passive aggressive of him & painful for you, cooking & caring for him and tending to his unhappiness (which you do because of misplaced guilt? and I'm guessing eagerness for him to be a good father to dc) but he has at least twice put the boot in by telling you "he's moved on from you" which is cruel, as it implies leaving you behind as if you've been holding him back . He's attaching blame, whatever he might say.

hi Lio - so sorry to hear what you are going through...I am going through something similar (husband in spare room last night, will probably ask him to get out, at least for w/e, today)

I have two kids, one of whom is very sensitive - wonder if you could share a little of the main points the child psychologist told you? I am worried about impact of this on kids (understatement)

(((hugs)))

Ok, sorry you lovely people who have been like little hands keeping me up. Been offline today, went to a friends parents place out of town together as a family, my pals, had the most amazing day riding ponies, making bonfires and remembering why I am not on the first flight back to my family and city living.

OK, last night, something burst in me. I have NEVER been violent towards anyone or anything. I am a nice person, rational, reasonable, when someone cuts me up on the road I say "they must be angry about life or have had someone kick them today". Last night the straw broke the camels back.

Have woken all calm, have asked DH to move all his stuff out of our room into the spare. We both know that he is going to move out, and like everything, once I ask him, he tells mehe has been looking into prorpty rentals for months in the area, unless you are from OZ but the cool/groovy/young or refuse to get old/rocker/clubber area which is a pain to get to from where we are now but where we used to live the year we got engaged.

I went out today and bought some scented candles, a new book and ate a lot of cake.

Thumbwhich, I saw the sun come out today in my eyes and I liked that look. Slim 22, he is emotionally starving myself and my DS for ages, you have made me realise this. Also not supported me as a human being. to the point of cruelty,without him realising.I go back to the point he is a nice bloke, HE IS, is is such an emotional muppet it is unreal, he does not feel any of the highs with kids and we all know, you need that to keeo going, he sees it all as hard work. It is sad for him.

Regaulartlyoverwhelmed, back to you seperatly next post

Regularlyoverwhelmed. First I would say, get advice of your own and pre emp train crashes. Are you from UK, am sure you are, the Aussies are all therapy mad. I have found you can most of the stuff the Aussies charge for online here, by looking at other similar sites or talking to your GP, how old are your kids?

I can only tell you what she (psycologist) has told me about moving into the spare room at the age my DS is (4). She has said make it all a game. I am lucky (or not) that my DH is a shocking snorer, and often wakes DS. We have said "Daddy is going into the spare room to let mummy sleep and you, as you most nights come into our room and wake us both up saying Daddy is snoring". That fact was a lucky break, he does wake up the house.

Second tip, was to make it like a sleepover/ a boys or kids den in the new daddy room, all very new and exciting.Let your kids bring their toys into daddy's room, helps them feel indiretly involved and included.

The most prevalent tip was to make it feel normal for all despite being in a separate space, and for whatever excuse you have for him not being there, continue with the normal rountine, if he makes you a cup of tea in bed, then continue, if he sleeps till 12 then continue,just try and not make any big deal about it in front of them however hard, and it can be hard, but this is the biggest tip.If it seems normal and OK to M&D then it must be OK, they are kids and what so they know about rules of life...?? Fingers crossed and huge hugs, Chat tasic if you want to, I may have time differences but am on each day xx

hi ballonslayer,will do another thread if you think wii help people, views etc, let me know.
Hi lostinoz you sound really calm, so happy to hear, i am ok have my own thread will explain more, take to long explain. i wish you all the best and will keep looking to see how you are all getting on, big hugs X

Sparky, where is your thread?? Sorry techno nurd, show me, I would,if allowed by you to get into your world. So horrid eh?

We were chatting watching telly, I tried to explain how my DH does not engage like normal dads (like today) , he got huffy, and said he did not want to hear this,

I want to be free

thanks LIO that was really helpful

I suppose in a way putting him in spare room feels like punishing him, and while part of me enjoys that I know it won't be good for teh kidsif they felt that sense. So what you say is a great reminder. Thanks.

I will be back later or tomoorrow to catch up with you.

you sound like you are doing well though, which is great

I am brilliant at sounding OK, however just get so sad about the friend I have lost and the fact that I have done so much to support him over the years and looking back how little he has put in. Have been reading some threads on the lone parenting site about it feeling like a bereavement, I feel that, also am really trying to curb the resentment about all I have done and the lack of appreciation.

My little bro wrote me a funny email saying he was going to teach me "some rules of cool".One was not to talk about the details of your feelings or talk about what has gone on the in the past to everyone, it just drags you back. You may need 1/2 confidents to get it out, but leave it at that and only talk about stuff you want to talk about. I am trying to do this. Peopleare asking why have you separated, given opionions and sympathy, they want to help fix it. I have thanked them, but said I don't want to talk about the details as it just drags me back, they never ask twice and I can feel stronger.

I am also doing things I enjoy, being around people who I like, and treating myself a bit, moved all my toiletries (like the one I use for special occasions)next to the bath for everyday use, eating things I wouldn't normally, keeping up the running, bought some lovely scented candles. that sort of stuff.

My son came in with a torch at 6.15am, shone it in my face and said, Mummy, if I was a girl would you buy me lipstick instead of torches...I feel sad my DH has never felt the power of the smile my DS brings to my face, like they could cut you open and the bond could not be stronger.

Keep cahtting regularlyoverwhelmed, the good thing about mumsnet is we listen

your little bro has some useful words - just treat us here on MN as your "1 or 2" confidantes and you'll be fine! Thing is, sometimes you feel the need to go back over stuff, and repressing that need is like sweeping it under the carpet - and that is not always a healthy thing to do. Sometimes you need to check under the dressing to see if the wound has healed - most of the time it is best left alone, but not ALL the time.

Wise words thumbwich and it is really early days since bombshell was dropped, just over a week, he also has not moved out, so the change has not fully impacted us. x

hi,

just checking how you are getting on.
Hang in there.

Have a good week.

Not going to chat now, just drunk a bottle of red, feeling like the world has been lifted, had the radio on LOUD.

Bacon butties tomorrow xx

hope you are dancing like a maniac too

keep it up - you are doing great

((()))

thanks for your post on my thread - really appreciated

Drinking does not solve the world problems. It is not big or clever (blush)

I am such a good dancer though after a bottle of red, seriously, could be on the telly (not) xx

Chat tomorrow xx

Hi LIO - hope you didn't have a hangover - and that you are feeling ok today about things?

This might sound a bit "preachy" but it really is not supposed to - remember that resentment is an awfully negative emotion - that you did what you did with the best will and intent, and it was not wasted because it was the right thing to do then. If you had not done what you did, you might be in a different place now and it might be worse.

So, never regret what has passed - you can't change it now anyway. Just decide how you want to be for now - the future will unfold itself as and when.

HTH ((((((((hugs)))))))))

Hi lostinoz,
my thread is what do i do now ?, will like your advice too, i am new so dont understand all words etc yet,lol.And of cause come into my world hun,and red wine is good but after a few bottles dont solve alot, done alot of that over few months.Have a look and tell me what you think, keep smiling, we are only a message away,xxx

so? how's that hangover?

Ok, seeing counsellor tonight, he is going to ask me about my week, in summary I cannot believe I have lived on so little emotionally, however still miss my friend and also whilst feeling quite excited and liberated about the future, also a bit terrifed that my security is up the swanny. Anyone who has been through this must feel the same, but it just will feel so weird not to be doing things in the future as a couple. I have been married so long and used to it, and just never thought I would be here. Anyway, ramble ramble

xx