dh been messaging some foxy woman on a music web thing a bit like facebook. v cross

[belcantavinissima]

we share an email address and he has been obsessed with this bloody website for weeks now. tonight i found he had a msg from someone and when i cross-checked it against his 'page' i found he had already sent this random woman (who, incidentally is all tits and pouting and fake tan) a msg saying 'you look fantastic honey'. . she msged him back saying he obvv has very good taste.

wtf was he doing sending that? what a git! and he kept going on about how he wasnt going to msg anyone or do any of the 'friends' listings etc (and he hasnt so far). she has now sent him a friends request. shall i decline it on his behalf? or just quietly keep an eye on it? should i say something? i feel unneccessarily angry about it but not sure i should be, wwyd???

I have no idea how you would get into his other email, or if you should but it would be worth keeping what you do know incase he deletes it.

Do you think he knows it was going to your joint e-mail?

I just think you need to tell him what you have found so far because it's unacceptable enough as it is and if you are strong and firm about it and don't allow him to either make it your fault or wriggle out of it then he will have to accept you are seriously pissed off.

yes he would have known because like a fool i didnt delete it after i had read it the first time. he has since 'deleted' it but, funnily enough, now he 'knows' he gtes emailed msg alerts, they no longer come through to the joint email address so he must have changed it deliberately. and that is the bit that makes me really suspicious andall at the same time

I will lend you a picture of me (not that I'm particularly stunning) but if you want to set up a fake account and message him...

if you really, really want to get access to his email password and he accesses it from a computer that you can get access to, then i can show you a way to find out his logon and password [sneaky emoticon].

i think you need to see those emails.

i woudl not bother with ths underhanded stuff and fake accounts

sit him down

tell him what you know

tell him what you have seen

and sort it

decide what you want, and how you want things to go, no good issuing ultimatums you hvae no intention of sticking to

decide what you want and talk

the more subterfuge you get involved with the longer it will take, and you will push him further underground

i would email her and tell her to f*ck off

I agree with Lulumama - you need to have this out with him NOW otherwise it will fester and become out of control.

Absolutely what lulumama says.

you need to be firm, and strong.
You need to let him know by the way you act and the things you say that you are not taking any bullshit excuses and that you are really unhappy about what you have discovered. That it's not what you signed up for, that you are not prepared to stay in a relationship where he thinks this is acceptable.

thank yoiu all

i am not sure how i want/ought to play it. i have some time beofore i see him again to sort out what i want to do.

mankymummy- plse tell me that would be v useful. i think i ned to know, just so i can see what i am up against.

priority is if you want to carry on your marriage and if so ,how.

and if he has a history of this

and if he would agree to counselling

everything else will flow from that decision

I think you should sit down and send him an email as he obviously can access them!! Also you can get everything down in writing without feeling akward and without him shouting back at you or making excuses. You can then talk to him properly when he comes back or he will phone you straight away if he is decent enough. Tell him everything you have seen and that you are deeply upset by it all.
By emailing you also have time to stew and he has time to realise what a prat he has been and hopefully things can be resolved easier when he returns. You will spend the rest of this week checking otherwise and making yourself feel awful. I know its tempting to watch and see how far he takes it but I think you putting a stop to this now will make him realise you will not stand for this and if it goes further you would not want to be with someone like him.

I think it is best to sort it asap as it will just linger on and get worse.

Take care and hope you feeling ok.

lulumama- afaik he doesnt have a history of this but he does have a history of being unfaithful to me-- only the once afaik. we have done counselling with relate. i am not sure if either of us found it saved our marriage tbh but we are both still her and kind of together.

jenwa- i think perhaps it would be best to do it face-to-face. it will be easy for him to lie on email tho i dont know how he can deny it. he must know i know and should really be waiting for me to say something.

am getting pissed and maudlin on my own. why do i have no friends around

hmmmm.

depends if this is a harmless flirtation, although i doubt there is such a thing, or he road to a physical thing

she should back the f*ck off, she is culpable too

ERm, does this woman know he is married?

He is a pize twat imo. I would be very pissed off.

Nobs like this are all over facebook, I've had few dodgy messages from random people and I politley tell them to piss off.

i doubt he has told her he is married tbh. well i guess you wouldnt would you?
if she doesnt know i dont hold her responsible really its him i am angry at.

if there is a pic of your child on there, it should occur to her he might be in a relationship?

You could still email her (After or at the same time as you speak to him) and tell her what you have discovered, How angry you are at him and that you are just warning her (them?) what a prick he is.

maybe she is just v v thick and thinks it might be just some random child/???? (hadnt thought of that actually)

don;t get to o pissed, you need a clear head

Oh no she is not to blame here. He is.

Are you saying he has just chosen a random woman and messaged her?

What was he hoping to acheive?

drnortherner- i think the 'computer' thing matches them with other people with similar music tastes to you so you can cross-refernece the music youre listening to and discover new music. not sure if that makes eesense but i know what i mean!

lulu- have run out of wine now unless i open up the cava i bought for myu friends hen party this wekend

oh bel, what a nightmare. Agree with everyone else that the best thing to do is to speak to him about it rather than spying on him. You have enough evidence as is - even if he has no intention of taking things any further with these women he has still betrayed you IMO

If I were you, I would meet up with a friend, have a long long chat about it, make a plan and then talk to him when he comes back on Sunday

he is a w*anker and he doesn;t deserve you

oops didn't mean to out the 'a' into w*nker but my point still holds!

i have talked it through with a friend this morning. it is killing me having to wait til sunday but that is what i need to do.

have decided to see him sunday night and say i know what he has been up to on this thing and that i want him to show me the 'acct' properly and his secret email. i think i am going to suggest we live apart for a while.

he has been on it again today and presumeably its to look for/ write private messages as nothing new on his profile page. he hasnt phoned/ text me since yesterday morning. clearly he is a sad and desperate man.i thought he might have called ds2 this morning as its his first day back at school in his new class but no. it is killing me waiting. i am going to a hen weekend fri to sunday and this is going to ruin it for me. also mine and ds's birthday next week . all great timing

ps skidaddle you are right he is a wanker and he doesnt deserve me or the kids