Have now taken the first steps towards divorce - please come and support me here....

[lisalisa]

Many of you will have read my threads over the last few months whilst I have been realising that my marriage has really irretrievab;y broken down.

I have now emailed the religious organsiation reasponsbile for starting the religious element of mydivoce. What I need to do urgently now is speak to a solicitor here i the uk - I am in London. Money is tight and I need to see someone very good but not top drawer. Dh is likely to be very difficult about money and hid a lot away so need somone who'e not gpoing to bne a pushover.

Any reocmmendations at all?

Also , any worlds of support,wisdomw would be so much apreicated as would comments/stories from those further down the process as to pitfalls to avoid and tips to listen to.

thanks everyone

No advice, I'm afraid, but a sympathetic bump. So sorry you are going through this.

Message withdrawn

Cunning, Cod (how were your hols?)

Lisa, Good luck in all of this. When you say reilgious element are you Muslim? Will anyone from your religious community be able to offer you support?

Message withdrawn

Thansk everyooen. Yes I am jewish. In the end I will gbet some support I suppose from my community but in the beginning there will be a lot of fall out - people trying to reconcile us, getting us to think again, taking sides, trying to work out what happened and apportioning blame and wondering whether to invite dh or I for meals etc ( a lot of my religion reovolves around celebratgory meals ).

Could go for someone on south coast but I thougjht it would be best to use somoene local for purposes of going in to see them etc.

Looking froward to hearing from others too.....

Bump for the afternoon crowd....

No practical advice, but sending support your way. Perhaps more help will be forthcoming when the Mnet solicitors are back from holiday - at least, am assuming most are on holiday because many haven't been posting recently.

Only emotional advice is to keep your eye on the horizon. You'll have some stormy seas to navigate (and it will undoubtedly be stressful and unpleasant), but at least when it's done you'll have the possibility of a better/happier life. You've been struggling for a long time.

Post whenever you need to, and you'll find help/support here.

i think you need to be quite firm abotu hwo oyu confide n maybe in a small comminity so you know if ther eare any leaks where they come from.
try to not give small details out about worngs he has dealt you as they get passed about im( limited) e

Thansk veryone - would be really grateful to hear from MN ers who are going through process and also with recommendatiouns as to lawyers. I need to hear what happens on a blow by blow basis and what i can expect to receive etc.

LisaLisa

I am so sorry - do you have to use a Jewish firm with regards to the get?

if not, i would be tempted not to i think

there is a well known firm where i live attwater and liel

no advice but lots of sympathy ...

Iirc, you are the main breadwinner of the family? That was the case with Xenia too - maybe she'd have some useful advice following on from her divorce.

Thanks rubyslippers - had a quick look at their website and work. Seems to be quite personal injury based - ther is a family partner but she looked very sweet and smiley which isn't really waht I'm after ifysiwm. Silly relaly but I have in mind either a man or a rottweilery looking woman. No reason other than I have used women solicitors who were sweet and smiley on other maters before and alwasys ended up pulling the strings from behind as they were too eager to settle / not strong enough etc. Sounds horribly sexist I know bu t perhaps I can be forgiven as I am a woman solicitro myself nad have therefore come up uagainst all types and sizes .

Recommendation given to me by an ex family lawyer friend for a friend who needed a family lawyer,
David Allison, Family Law in Partnership, 0207 4205015 - or reception 020 7420 5000
He is supposed to be calm but does not muck about.

HTH

Kafka

Kafka - I very much like your description - he sounds like my gynea and last solicitgor I used for something employment related. Off to google him now.

Early brid - we are joint breadwinners actually - both earn almost the same = perhaps me slightly more. Didn't know xenia was divorced - hope all went well in her case - I have heard some horror stories ( althogujh they are perhpas just that) of career owmen losing tgheir kids in a divorce to their husbands.

No advice lisalisa but much sympathy and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Kafka - that's it -DAvid Allison sounds great as does the whole law firm - totally family law focused and with tons of experience but aLSO using counsellers , mediators etc - bet they cost a ligteral arm and leg though. ~going to contact them tomorrow.

Thanks www - I remember your very supportive posts on my thread written in teh depths of depsair about how very miserable I was. I have deicded that i can't continue in that vein any longer and now this decision has been taqken I am feeling some relief.

Good pleased they look like they might be what you want. I thought they looked impressive when I looked at the site. He apparently did a good job for a friend of my ex lawyer friend in a case where money and chidlren were hotly disputed.

Sorry you are having to go through this and hoping things go as well as they can.

Thanks Kafka - that's much appreciagted.

Lisalisa, I am sorry, I have missed your threads, so did not know about your troubles.

I have never had the need for a divorce lawyer, but there are two law firms I have used both professionally and personally. Rodgers and Burtons in Barnes, and Russell Cooke in Putney. Russell Cooke handled the heather and pa ul divoroce. I reckon they could be more pricey than R &B.

Oh god Lisalisa, I'm so sorry you're going thro this too. If you want I can highly recommend my solicitor, he's expensive tho, altho not highend IYNWIM.

Altho right now, things may seem awful, it will quickly calm down, and you and your children will be happier out of it. I'm almost at the tail end of my divorce, ex is much as your h trying to hide assets, being difficult etc, it all comes out in the end tho, the courts have all seen it before.

Do you have support IRL? Make sure you allow your family to rally round you.

With regards the divorce,

Make sure you keep all papers relating to finance so you can use them in court, ensure you have copies of all his finances too, incase he trieds to hide it. Altho a good solicitor will notice if money is being diverted.

Also are you going to claim CSA? If so, it useful to have his work place name and address, his NI number, and ermm I'd seriously make photocopies of his payslips and his last p60 so you can give them an idea of the sort of maintenance payment your children should be receiving. It will also speed up the process of receiving child support.

What happens with divorce, you will fill in a petition, citing whatever reason it is for your divorce in my case it was irretrevable breakdown, due to his unreasonable behaviour. As I was the peptitioner and as my grounds for divorce were upheld, he was found liable for costs.

Next you sort out child contact issues if there are any. If you cannot agree to contact CAFCASS are bought in and theres a whole lengthy process....

Then you do the finance, where you both produce documentary evidence as to how much you contribute in the marriage financially etc. And the marital assets are split up, to begin with its supposed to be 50/50 but then both the parties needs are taken into account, ie I have my girls so I expect to get the former matrimonial home...and thats just for starters!!!

Thanks fuzzywuzzy - that's greatg. My problem is that dh has his own busines and is used to "hiding" a certain amount. I will try and get copies of his business bank statgements and order back copies of our own joint back account satatments.

Now when you say you expect to get the matricmonial home do you mean that you get it and dh has no claim on it or that you get it until children are 18 and then it gets sold and proceeds split?

ex bought a house in his own name, think he was trying to move all his assets away and then leave me, but I left him first!

So I expect to get the former matrimonial home, and I expect him to sell the other property to pay off all the debts he incurred and then anything left over to be split between us. I expect the FMH to be transferred to me in my sole name with no claims from him, I can pretty much prove I've paid the bulk of the mortgage off myself anyway. I have paperwork from the year dot!

However the courts did ask us to both produce three homes suitable for us and three suitable for the other party (god it was difficult not to provide pictures of rubbish tips for him, or plane tickets back to India!). I was also asked to produce a statement showing my mortgageability (is that even a word), as ex made me cut back my working hours shortly before I started divorce proceedings I cant see anyone giving me a mortgage. As he's on his own his new place of residence does not need to be as big as the residence my children and I will in all fairness require. And he can very easily get a big mortgage on his current salary.

I would definitely get hold of as many financial statements as I possibly can for your husbands company, also get a hold of his year end accounts, how much does he pay himself (or declares to) etc.

Fuzzy - he declares very little I htink and his business is largely - very largely cash related. I think it can be proved as one only had to look at his business to see what it must generate and work bacak from there - can't really say much more without identifying th e type of buusiness he's in.

Do you expcet to get matri home as you paid bulk of mortgage payments> Here its pretty equal so would I expctet to stay until youngest is 18 then have to sell and split proceeds? Is that how it generally works?