Was this my fault?

[Wasthismyfault]

Namechanger here.

I am married with two dc. H works full time, I am a SAHM. He does not do anything round the house or even for his children. He never once got up in the night with them ever. I have no family or friends nearby and am basically bringing up my dc alone, I do everything for them.

Today dd (2) woke up a bit whingy, she often does. I usually give her an hour or so to make sure she is not unwell and then tend to be pretty no nonsense about it, don't buy into it etc. If I did she would tantrum all day long. So after about an hour I said in a firm tone (not shout, I rarely shout) "Right, enough nonsense, calm down because I am not having this all day". H was in bed and heard me say this. I knew he would be awake and hearing it, I had absolutely nothing to hide. He got up and told me not to speak to his kids like that. I replied that I would speak to them however I like because I would never speak to them badly and asked him what I said to her that had bothered him so much? He then ran down the corridor and roared into my face that if he ever heard me speak to his dc like that again he would give me a "f*cking headbutt". He was right in my face when he said it and I felt that he really wanted to do it.

He has been violent before but not in a sustained way, usually as part of an argument. He then told me that I had to be respectful to his kids 100% of the time and never shout at them or speak impatiently to them in any way or I would have him to answer to.

I am in shock I think. I am shaking while I type this. I am ashamed to say that I flinched away from him and covered my head and face because I really thought he was going to do it. I feel weak and pathetic and angry with myself that I did not stand up to him. I spoke to him about it later and he said that he said it because he was protecting his dd and would say and do it again if necessary.

I think I am a great Mum. I am really patient with my dc, they are the best things in my life and I love being with them and I am doing it by myself. He never does anything for them. I don't work and pretty much my whole life is devoted to doing things with and for my dc. I love being with them try really hard to make them happy. He has been irritated with them and shouted at them before but if I am firm with one of them then I am threatened with violence. Please I need some advice

He's blaming you for everything, does he not realise how stupid he sounds about your DCs they are with you all the time.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Don'tbitemytoes- you and your DH have been exceptionally kind above without putting any pressure on OP. Good people you must be.

In his head his version of events is true - he thinks it is your fault because it can't possibly be his fault.

It IS his fault. I can't agree with those posters who say you need to make him leave - he clearly won't. YOU need to leave asap.

dontbitemytoes, I have been thinking about your message all day. I am a bit scared to respond to it because I know once I start down the road and actually talk to someone, then the big decision has to be made. Thank you and your DH very, very much.

He needs help as well but you probably don't want to get sucked into taking responsibility for him when he isn't taking resposnibility for himself. Could you ask one of his relations to encourage him to seek help?

Leave.

You only get one life, do you really want to spend another moment being afraid or making excuses for his bastardiness ?

You do not deserve this.

It is not your fault.

Custardo, everything you say is true. I know that. I am so scared to take my dc away from their dad though. They love him and he loves them so much. If it is just because I am difficult to get on with and escalate things then it is so unfair to them.

I keep thinking that if I just dont respond or react to him then he will calm down and start being nicer. He was lovely when I met him. I am scared that I made him this way.

if he's that fucking good then he will be around for them

if hes that good why are you afraid of him taking their mother away fro them

if loving them is threatening the mum they love so much is it really love?

you did not escalate this morning.

So if you bury your sense of self and do everything he says he will be nice to you

you are in an abusive relationship where you are walking on eggshells in case you anger him

see we are backing you into a corner here - and you are defending him

I want out. It is finished for me but I am gutted to be the one who stops my kids and their dad from living together, that is all it is. Plus there are constant promises of change from him and I feel like I owe my dc to at least make an effort. I am sure his being so young did have something to do with it. He had a shit time himself when he was a kid and then just dashed into getting married. I am not a complete tit though I do now who he behaves is unacceptable. I have thought today how I would feel if my daughter or sister was treated like this and I know I would never see it as being their own fault.

know not now

Leave him then. If he's such a great Dad he'll still see the DCs and and they will be out of a house were there is always an undercurrent of violence lurking.

He is the one who hasfucked up your chances of being happy not you.
Remember that.

Take away this message from this thread - you are not responsible for his behavior. He is.

You may be right, maybe he is agreat dad and it is the two of you together that doesn't work (not that that would excuse his treatment of you, that is completely unacceptable regardless of whatever failings he alleges you have). It sounds like his relationship with his children could be improved by being away from the negative relationship with you, their mother.

Or he is a total twunt and when he can't use the DC to control you he will lose interest in them. I know which I think most likely but then I am rather cynical.

Whether you stay or go, some sort of intervention is required. Otherwise the cycle of abuse will continue.

so sorry you experienced this.awful.great tips here.what do you want to do, or is it too raw?

hideyou PC history and sites visited
can you start to plan to go?
do you feel safe?
woukd you or he consider counselling
can you hide some money
contact supportive people
your legal rights

do get some support
someone to talk to cover your tracks
most of all take care

i also need to emphasise he has got your head muddled,you attribute this to your behaviour.wrong.he is responsible

his actions and insidious anger are toxic

Scottishmummy asks some practical questions. I think that it could take time for you to be sure what you want to do. But in the meantime, best to start making plans so that you have the option. Don't feel pressurised to stay or go. You need to take control which means making a considered decision.

should be "Scottishmummy asks some USEFUL practical questions"

WTMF - if its any consolation - my BF in RL was with a man like this, and she left. it was tough financially, and emotionally with the DS (DD hadn't had much attention from arsehole ex-H, shows the kind of attitude he has to women - so she wasn't so affected) but now a few months down the line, she is doing brilliantly, as are her children. you'll see things in a fresh light once you are out, and with a sense of relief. do you have people in RL - family, friends - you can turn to, to support you, as well as Women's Aid - the experts, and excellent. remember, it can take time to sort things out - in your head, and otherwise in practical terms. BF's ex-H is sort of around now for the children, not much but something. it was down to him, as in your case with your partner.

when I'm having a tough time, i remind myself the kids need me in good form, to take care of them. from the sounds of it, your partner isn't great himself. and you can't be ok with this bullying and criminal threats, and it won't be good for them to be hearing this stuff from him.

he's an adult, and responsible for the way he treats other people.remember that

best of luck to you and your DCs

wasthismyfault, i can only imagine what it must be like to be in your shoes, and like i said before, there is no rush.

I was a matrimonial lawyer and dh still is (couldn't cope with the arguments discussions when we both were practising the same kind of law ) so we both know that things will move at your pace if and when you are ready, and no amount of people telling you to leave will help if you are not ready to hear it.

we will still be here many months from now, just doing the same job, give me a shout if you need any advice on phone/e-mail or mumsnet.

dbmt. x

He won't consider counselling. I have been referred by my GP for anxiety disorder and that begins next week so hopefully get some help there with understanding why I let people treat me like crap.

My Mum and Dad and his parents and sister know what is going on to a certain extent but I think his parents especially are of the opinion that I need to get out or shut up about it. His parents have witnessed his behaviour but their marriage is rather similar (obviously learned behaviours for H) and they stuck it out.

I dont have anywhere to go. My parents were pretty crap when I was a kid. They are better now but I would not go to live with them with my dc under any circumstances. My best hope is that if I keep things on an even keel, he might leave.

Am trying to save, not easy though.

I do feel relatively safe. He would never in a million years hurt the dc and if I don't respond to him except with Yes or No answers things dont escalate. It is the verbal stuff that is unbearable though. He is very sensitive to mood and if I am sad it makes him angry and then he will get abusive. However I am sad because he is abusive and so it goes on.

I will be honest though I am feeling a lot stronger than I was even just a week ago thanks to posting on here.