Was this my fault?

[Wasthismyfault]

Namechanger here.

I am married with two dc. H works full time, I am a SAHM. He does not do anything round the house or even for his children. He never once got up in the night with them ever. I have no family or friends nearby and am basically bringing up my dc alone, I do everything for them.

Today dd (2) woke up a bit whingy, she often does. I usually give her an hour or so to make sure she is not unwell and then tend to be pretty no nonsense about it, don't buy into it etc. If I did she would tantrum all day long. So after about an hour I said in a firm tone (not shout, I rarely shout) "Right, enough nonsense, calm down because I am not having this all day". H was in bed and heard me say this. I knew he would be awake and hearing it, I had absolutely nothing to hide. He got up and told me not to speak to his kids like that. I replied that I would speak to them however I like because I would never speak to them badly and asked him what I said to her that had bothered him so much? He then ran down the corridor and roared into my face that if he ever heard me speak to his dc like that again he would give me a "f*cking headbutt". He was right in my face when he said it and I felt that he really wanted to do it.

He has been violent before but not in a sustained way, usually as part of an argument. He then told me that I had to be respectful to his kids 100% of the time and never shout at them or speak impatiently to them in any way or I would have him to answer to.

I am in shock I think. I am shaking while I type this. I am ashamed to say that I flinched away from him and covered my head and face because I really thought he was going to do it. I feel weak and pathetic and angry with myself that I did not stand up to him. I spoke to him about it later and he said that he said it because he was protecting his dd and would say and do it again if necessary.

I think I am a great Mum. I am really patient with my dc, they are the best things in my life and I love being with them and I am doing it by myself. He never does anything for them. I don't work and pretty much my whole life is devoted to doing things with and for my dc. I love being with them try really hard to make them happy. He has been irritated with them and shouted at them before but if I am firm with one of them then I am threatened with violence. Please I need some advice

His behaviour sounds horrific, Wasthis.

Also the 'I will slit your throat' comment sounds like a Threat to Kill offence. I wouldn't say that lightly - I think this is more than someone saying 'I'll kill you' during a heated argument. He has used this threat to keep you down, stop you from challenging him. I believe Threat to Kill offences carry a maximum sentence of 10 years.

If he made a similar threat again I think I would consider going to the police.

(as everyone else says, I would also say 'leave him' but I appreciate from what you have said that this may not happen straight away)

Was going to agree with Makymummy about asking him to have them 24hrs, but with the throat slitting headbutting comments I'm sorry but I feel you need to leave him. Others on here know what they are talking about as they have done it

Leave him... he is a dick and you are a single mother already by the sound of it.
If he is so worried about his children maybe he should get of his lazy arse and raise them.

Oh and point out that you expect the mother of his children to be treated with 100% respect at all times, then tell him to look up the word respect as he learly does not know what it means.

Agree with the fact that this is domestic violence. Totally unacceptable and a threat to your life and your dc's.

You have to record this with police or your GP! Do not let his aggressions slide. Register it and he'll never ever come near you and your dc.

I hope you will find the help you need. Definitely start to confide in friends and seek out professional help. For the future of you and your dc I think you need to get out. Wishing you strength!

I was in a similar situation 10 years ago, and I know it's very hard to see your way out of it, but you can do it. His behaviour towards you will get worse as he feels that he is losing control over you. His predominantly verbal violence will become increasingly physical.

I would recommend not talking to him about leaving etc, and instead focus on planning to do so - and as soon as you can. It is highly unlikely that he would want custody of the children, as it would be too much hassle. As others have said, he would be expected to have access, but this can be managed.

When I split from ex-DH, I too was worried that he wouldn't return the children from access visits, but in 10 years that has never been a problem. Sure at times it has been hard - he continued to be verbally abusive about arrangements for a year or so - but from a distance it loses much of the impact!

Now 10 years on I am happily remarried with a toddler. My DDs are 13 and 11, both seem well-adjusted and have a good relationship with their father, who has calmed down significantly over the years since we split, and we communicate in a civil manner about the children.

You can do it, it is hard, but will be worth it. Leaving my exH was the best thing I ever did, and I am sure has improved my DDs lives considerably.

Wasthis, how are you today? I have been thinking about you on and off all day today while I was at work. Hope you are OK and safe.

Another thing, if you do not already do so, log out of MN before you shut down, otherwise he could read your posts. Doesn't matter if you've changed ID, on your profile all your posts are visible.

Thanks for all your messages. Couldn't get on yesterday as H was around.

Read a book called Inside the mind of the angry and controlling man by Lundy Bancroft. I already had it but never really read it properly and it is like H is jumping out of the pages at me I relate to so much in it. Yesterday he wanted to go out as a family and I said no and told him to take the kids out on his own for once, he said no so I said "Are you never going to spend time with dc on your own, am I always going to have to be there?". For this I was called a "dog", later he claimed that he never heard me ask nicely the first time but only my "sniping" afterwards. I realise that he is trying to define the reality of what happened.

I told him I don't consider us a couple anymore and I want him to leave as soon as possible. Keeps saying if I would just give him a chance and stop sniping at him everything would be different. Maybe it would but I feel that his version of sniping is very different to mine, so how could I ever know if I am doing it? It seems that anything I ask that he doesn't particularly want to do will make him abusive because I am not falling into line.

I still am questioning myself though. Is it my sniping at him that is making things not work between us? He has done some terrible things in this relationship including being unfaithful and I can't forget them. He says that he feels so much in debt to me for how he has behaved that he could never hope to replay or make things up. The only way is a completely clean slate but I don't feel capable of that. I don't love him but I feel so sad for my dc.

repay not replay.

honey, think of the children. do you want their image of a husband, father and man to be defined by this terrible, horrible person? because that is what will happen. it is inevitable if you stay.

Whasthis

If my husband uttered those words, even when completely drunk ot in a rage, I would leave immediately.

To say those words is just the same as him hitting you. It is totally unreasonable and unforgivable. How can he take something like that back?

Please contact Womens Aid, even if it is for a quick chat.

They are experts in this sitution:

www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010024&sectionTitle=Find+a+l ocal+service

www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010024&sectionTitle=Find+a+local+service

Click the link

Leave him before the children begin to think that such bullying behaviour is normal. They could end up bullying you too or become his victims also.
I don't think I've ever advised anyone to leave their marriage before, in RL or on a forum.

Wasthismyfault, i very rarely post on mn, and am generally a "lurker" but your post has had an impact on me, and i have just read it to my dh (who NEVER gets involved with mn!) DH is a matrimonial lawyer and says if you need any advice at all to give him a call, i can give you his number if you'd like, but no pressure, or rush

he says from what you have said in this post alone, he could have your husband removed from the house with immediate effect and could get an order ensuring protection for you and the children until (if) it all calms down. he could also take steps to ensure your husband does not keep the children when he has contact with them.

most importantly though, keep strong, keep posting and even if i do not post again, know that there are people who do care and can help when you are ready.

HTH

Where is his anger coming from?

Sorry, i just read the rest of the thread. Sounds like he is unhinged. Be careful. Does he have father/mother around who he respects? Until you leave, some intervention is needed.

Don't feel intimidated by this bully. I'd have been gone long long ago... If a man can talk to his childrens Mother like that then he is just a big bullying twat. Don't stand for it, and don't be afraid of him. Kick him to the fecking curb. Arsehole. Don't put up with it anymore. You know it's wrong otherwise you wouldn't feel so pathetic and scared. You shouldn't ever feel like that. This is not normal.

I just want to say thank you for all your messages. I can't tell you how strengthened I feel from reading them. I think this has been going on for so long that I just got used to it. I was physically and verbally abused as a child so I think I have been so used to that sort of treatment that I don't have very strong boundaries regarding how I will be treated in relationships, I always make excuses for it because other people who claim to "love" me have treated me in the same way. Reading your messages though has made me feel outraged on my own behalf.

I don't really know what to do next. I have told him that I no longer see us as a couple and we are seperated now, I don't think he believes me though. For some reason the insults seem to have stopped over the past couple of days and I am wondering if he can see that I have disconnected from him completely. There was always alot of me wailing "how can you treat me like this" blah blah blah. I don't care now.

I feel like I am standing on the edge of a big cliff. It is such a huge decision to make. I am sad for my kids and scared to be a single mum but at the same time the thought of still being with him feels extremely depressing. We were really young when we got married maybe it was too much too soon. He says he was too young and thats why he has behaved like he has. Just wants a chance to make it right with a complete clean slate. He says he will never say or do things like that again if I don't keep bringing up the past, which I know I do, but there is an awful lot to bring up. I just want to do the right thing for my kids. If we don't get on because I am always going on at him then it is not fair to end it is it? For their sakes. This is getting confused. Thanks again for all your support.

Have read the thread and have read loads of threads just like yours. I have been on MN for years and years and these people are right. You feel guilty, it is NOT your fault and he WILL keep on using your guilt and your "Past" to control you. You have a duty to yourslef but also your precious children to make him leave, him not you. It is your right to stay there and tale any offers of help from Mnetters DH's you can get. The most important thing you can do is to keep posting, because then we can help you. Besides, if you stop none of us get any sleep 'cos we're worried Take care and remember you are a worhy person and don't let ANYONE tell you different!!!

It's not your fault, deep down you know this. The feeling of calm that you feel happened to me when I made this decision to leave my (verbally abusive) exbf. It's because you know it's the right thing to do. You have to leave him, for your sake and for your DCs.

That was a lovely post dontbitemytoes.

The fact that he has been unfaithful is nail in the coffin.
Idon't get howbullying and threateneing you is going for a 'clean slate'.
He is a dangerous violent bully and you are damaging your children if you allow them to witness this sort of aberrant behaviourt, you really are.

your kids will grow up and think this is ok and normal - one day your son or your daughter will call you a dog - and you will not be able to answer them back for fear of having your throat cut.

does this sound normal

we change our perceptions of normality to suit us - this behaviour doesn't just appear - and i think thats what many people just don't get.

there was probably a length of time when he was great - and in between times - you hang on the times when he is nice - becuase 99% of the time he isn't

and the behaviour creeps in and you let it go - and then it happens more and more. over time - and before you know it - your living your life like this

and your children are living like this

and you continue to make excuses to live like this

"well he was ok yesterday"
"the kids are with me most of the time"
"he isn't always bad"

that kind of thing.

its only when you read that ordinary people are like holy shit he said WHAT¬!

He denies and belittles everything I ever say tbh. I keep a diary, always have done and a few days ago I read him an entry from 2004 when he went on a 3 day bender after a day playing golf and read out some of the things he said to me afterwards, first he denied it with "Bullshit, I wouldn't be playing golf in January!", well you were sunshine!, then he said "If you spent half as much time working on this marriage as you did writing about it, maybe we wouldn't be in this mess", well I would have talked but you were never farkin here mate ending up with "God you are so bitter, you will completely screw up my dc if I leave them with you".

There were more recent entries but I wanted to point out how long his nonsense had been going on for. I wasn't "bringing things up", just trying to prove that the things that he denies did actually happen.

He sounds deranged.

sorry that didn't quite have a conclusion - so do it for your kids - your kids shouldnt ever think that they can be treated or treat others this way

your son shouldnt think that its ok to treat women this way

your daughter shouldnt think that a man hitting her and threatening her, threatening to kill her - means he loves her - cos dad did it

by staying you are teaching your kids this is ok

It sounds like you have made the decision, well done - I am so glad that you are not blaming yourself but can see that HE is responsible for your situation.

You need to namechange to
Itdefinitelywasn'tmyfault.