Was this my fault?

[Wasthismyfault]

Namechanger here.

I am married with two dc. H works full time, I am a SAHM. He does not do anything round the house or even for his children. He never once got up in the night with them ever. I have no family or friends nearby and am basically bringing up my dc alone, I do everything for them.

Today dd (2) woke up a bit whingy, she often does. I usually give her an hour or so to make sure she is not unwell and then tend to be pretty no nonsense about it, don't buy into it etc. If I did she would tantrum all day long. So after about an hour I said in a firm tone (not shout, I rarely shout) "Right, enough nonsense, calm down because I am not having this all day". H was in bed and heard me say this. I knew he would be awake and hearing it, I had absolutely nothing to hide. He got up and told me not to speak to his kids like that. I replied that I would speak to them however I like because I would never speak to them badly and asked him what I said to her that had bothered him so much? He then ran down the corridor and roared into my face that if he ever heard me speak to his dc like that again he would give me a "f*cking headbutt". He was right in my face when he said it and I felt that he really wanted to do it.

He has been violent before but not in a sustained way, usually as part of an argument. He then told me that I had to be respectful to his kids 100% of the time and never shout at them or speak impatiently to them in any way or I would have him to answer to.

I am in shock I think. I am shaking while I type this. I am ashamed to say that I flinched away from him and covered my head and face because I really thought he was going to do it. I feel weak and pathetic and angry with myself that I did not stand up to him. I spoke to him about it later and he said that he said it because he was protecting his dd and would say and do it again if necessary.

I think I am a great Mum. I am really patient with my dc, they are the best things in my life and I love being with them and I am doing it by myself. He never does anything for them. I don't work and pretty much my whole life is devoted to doing things with and for my dc. I love being with them try really hard to make them happy. He has been irritated with them and shouted at them before but if I am firm with one of them then I am threatened with violence. Please I need some advice

And I think if you really want to be with this man it will be better idea to separate first and then give him an ultimatum to go on a dv programme.
Also he shoud be given a time limit of doing at leat 6 months of programme untill he's allowed any near you.

You are clearly scared of him and can't carry on living like this..

xx

You sound like a brilliant mum, and a very strong woman to have coped with this vile man for so long.

The way he treats you is dreadful, but you know that.

Have you got anyone who could help you leave him? Have you phoned any of the helplines that people have linked to? There are others on here who have been through what you are going through and have come out the other side, I am sure they will be around to give you some good advice.

You sound like a lovely mum. Your DP sounds like a hypocrite - how can he demand you "respect" his children, when he speaks to you with such disregard and threatens violence?

It wasn't your fault. You say he has been violent before and other posters have said leave him. It is not as simple as that, especially when you have children with someone, but please don't lose sight of what you think is normal and acceptable in a relationship. Men who treat women like that (and vice versa) often whittle away your self-esteem until you are not sure if it is normal.

TAke care.

You need to leave this man asap.

I would echo what others have said about contacting refuge.

No one deserves to be treated like this and I'm afraid it does not bode well for the future.

keep posting too

My god why are you still with him. You must be terrified. please use one of the links and get out to a refuge. They will help you. I dont want to be reading about you in a newspaper next week. He sounds like a physco. If you dont leave for your own sake think of the kids. They cant be brought up with a father that thinks like this. You may think that they dont know whats going on or hear what he says to you, but they do!!!!

Forget what I wrote.. Leave as soon as you are able to do it! Or next time when he's violent or threatens you call the police on this fucker..

I have asked him to leave so many times, he always says he can't leave the dc with me because I will move another man in OR become over emotional and damage them OR take my frustrations out on them. I have never done this while I have been with him despite being unhappy so I dont know why I would start because we split up.

It is not just that though, I worry about him not returning my dc when he has them on access visits. I remember a thread on here of a woman whose partner took their child for a visit on Christmas Eve and then never returned him for days afterwards. Honestly think this is the sort of thing H would do, just because he could. I did say that to his Mum when I talked to her about how unhappy I was and she said it wouldnt be like that because H is too lazy and dc are too much like hard work, he wouldnt be able to cope. Think this is probably true but cant take the risk.

I don't know any legal info. but if you have it all done properly then he will be in trouble if he did anything like this.

He is making you believe this.
He is a king of the castle in his own little word with you and children. He can bully you, threaten you, intimidate you as much as he wants beacuse you are nor able phisiclly and mentally to stand up against him.

Outside world is not like this. To the police, court, social workers solicitors he will be nobody, a sad pathetic man who abuses his wife and children (if he's abusing you he's abusing them as well).. The law and authorities can really help you..

My ex has also thought that he is some one special and no one can win with him. The police had proved him really wrong. He's on a bail at the moment and the second he even tries to put his foot through my door he could be arressted and put in jail.

As far as children are concerned I think his mum is right but to be on a safe side you have avery right to demand only supervised visits (for example at his mum's) given his history of threats.

Even if you won't do anything at the moment keep posting.. Your time will come and one day you will feel strong enough to leave him.
In a meantime maybr suggesst this dv programmes to him..

x

He would return kids late from access visits just because he could? He couldn't, and you have the law on your side if he has been violent. Please get professional advice on this, your assumptions are not correct.

His behaviour as you know is about control, not about parenting.
he is using your love for your children to manipulate you into staying.
You want to leave, and have done for a while.

Make it happen. but don't try to do this on the back of your own assumptions or the advice you get fropm people on an unregulated website: follow the sound advice, get advice from Refuge, CAB or a solictor, and make your decisions based on fact.

violent dangerous bastard. Get your kids away from him.

This man is dangerous. Get out now.

Please do get some help to leave him, urgently. He is a violent bully. He doesn't really have any concerns about how well his children are looked after, that's just an excuse for controlling you.

If he continues to get away with this appalling behaviour, I'm afraid there is every chance he will get worse and worse.

Please start making your plans - call Refuge or Women's Aid, get a solicitor (Citizen's Advice Bureau can help), find out your rights, get money and documents like passports and birth certificates and bank books together, and get ready to go.

Given he is violent, you need to have a good solicitor on side who will help make sure either your soon-to-be ex doesn't have any contact with the children or has only supervised access so there's little chance of him running off with them.

Things will not get better with this man, only worse. Do as everyone says and get out with your kids- while you can. They are not his kids. If he was a good dad and husband he wouldn't leave all the child care to you. The only person he cares about is himself. Can you go to family or friends? You need support from somewhere. Make plans to leave now.

I do think it is mainly all talk with him. He is much more verbally abusive then physically. Uses physical threats to keep control rather then actually carrying them out, though I did feel threatened today. He is impulsive and doesnt think things through, will do anything to get his own way.

I told him I cant stay married to him and he sees that I can hardly stand to talk to him and I think that this drives him to say more and more outrageous things to get some kind of a reaction. He is unbelievably controlling. I know he is only saying the not trusting me with my dc as an excuse to stay. He knows how appalling things are between us and that we should split but I honestly think he cannot bear the thought of relinquishing full control over me, the dc and the home, it makes him panic just the thought of it.

I am already saving and have mine and the dc's documents all put aside. I am hoping that he will just get fed up eventually and leave.

No he won't, WTMF. As he said, he'll never leave. You MUST make your own plans to leave and stick to them. I felt cold and sick reading about what he's said and done to you. Please don't let it continue any longer.

Controlling/abusive men like him always threaten they will take the kids, leave you financially destitute etc etc - this is quite simply another attempt to scare and control you.

You have moral right and the law on your side.

Please consider leaving him (I know this is terribly easy for me to say over the internet but very very hard to do in real life).

You and your children deserve better than him, what if he starts treating your daughter the same way he treats you?

You have to get away from him - how long before he starts threatening the children? Will that make you leave? They won't always be biddable little 2 year olds who he can see as an extension of his ego, they will get cheeky, and arsey, and give him lip.
Do you trust him in that situation? I wouldn't.

Please don't be a statistic, PLEASE get away from this man.

he won't leave the dc's with you? but he does that every day!

i can believe that he won't leave, because he thinks he's got you under his thumb with his threats about the kids. i think it's got to come from you i'm afraid.

I am so sorry that he is trating you this way and you are in this situation. You have done nothing wrong at all. He is controlling you and making you scared of him, even too scared to leave him because you believe he is capable of taking your children from you after access visits. You cannot be with a man who is manipulating you like this. This is so not ok, I'm really sorry but I also think you have to get out and take the the chance of what may happen later. The way it is now you are loosing yourself, the weaker he makes you the stronger he gets and things will get worse. Your children need a happy mum, if you are sad they are sad. I know you are down but be as strong as you can, make a plan, stick up to him and leave. Anyone who really knows you will never believe any lies he says about the 'bad' influence you will be on the children if you are on your own with them. You have done it all up to now, without him bringing you down it will be easier because you will be happier.

I can see that threats of violence are one way of getting your own way, but it's not what most grown ups would use to get their partner to stay with them.

Most people would understand that in order for someone to love you, you have to love and respect them too.

His is a very lazy way of conducting a relationshipship. He doesn't want to work for your love, he just wants to terrify you into leaving. Same effect, less hassle - and so much more power for him.

I hardly need tell you that this is not love, and not a fair return at all for the love and care you have given his children. He's a lazy, selfish (probably a bit psychotic) child, quite honestly.

"Terrify you into not leaving" -

I'm talking crap again.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

Say the words out loud. Thats what it is. He is abusing you. Believe it. It has taken me nearly a year to come to terms with my husband abusing me. It may take you some time, but one day you will be strong enough to leave. He doesn't love or respect you.

Think of your children.

I am still with my husband but one day I will get there too.

Making you believe it is your fault is a classic. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He made a choice when he chose to get violent with you. Nothing you have done has deserved that. He will not change. He can promise you the earth, but he will not change.

Please leave him. Make your plans. Save your money. Find a place to stay. Ring your local women's aid they can help. Consult a solicitor.

Have the strength to do what I can't.

Thinking of you. x