Adult son not paying his way or helping out. Really fed up with it. WWYD?

[catweazle]

My DS1 dropped out of uni this year and came home in June. He didn't want to go back to his old job at McDs and wasn't going to but DS2 bullied him into it. He doesn't know what he wants to do. Every week since he's been back I've suggested the adult careers office in the town might help and every week he finds excuses not to go. He is only working 3 days (and not full days). The rest of the time he sits in his room on his laptop. He has started his driving lessons again as he thinks it will help to find him a job.

We sat him down several weeks ago and explained that he needed to be paying us for his keep. We have never taken money off him before, even when he was working FT in the last summer hols, because he was saving for uni. I don't want to make money off him but firstly we really can't afford to keep him as he eats like a locust, and secondly no-one gets a free ride in this life and it's time he got used to it. We suggested 1/3 of his take home pay but said if he thought that was too much we were open to discussion.

Several weeks have passed and no money. I have "reminded" him twice. He just grunts. It is embarrassing to have to beg for money. Our finances are quite bad and we could do with it, especially the amount of food we are having to buy for 3 teens at home all day... In the meantime he is buying books, toys, sweets, music, so it isn't as if he is really skint. It cost us over £300 to go and get him home from uni and although we don't expect him to be grateful it would be nice if he would acknowledge that we have actually put ourselves out for him.

If we ask him to tidy up it doesn't happen. if we ask him to watch the baby he won't. He doesn't do anything spontaneously- dishwasher, making meals etc and has to be nagged to do anything, so it's easier not to bother. He is almost 21 years old.

He wasn't like this before he went away. He was always anxious to work as much as possible and was quite helpful around the house. I'm sure the experience has knocked his confidence but he won't talk to us. I'm trying to help him but he won't co-operate. DH is now saying we should find him somewhere to live and ask him to leave because he is fed up with his attitude.

Help!!!

At the risk of sounding old-fashioned, surely higher education is a privelege, rather than a right.

Therefore, sacrfices have to be made unless one's parents can/want to pay for you up to the age of 21/22

When I went to university I had a 6 year old child, it was in the days when grants were available so I did get that, but also still had to work as well in order to support myself and a child during the three years of my degree.

because I am worth it- you miss the point entirely- the point being that people aged 18 are regarded as adults- whose education should not be dependent on their parents income for support when they are regarded in law as being adults in every other way.

My DH and I are both graduates- we pay a lot more in tax than other people do anyway. Students whose parents are not in this position are "rewarded" by the state, when they are given a bigger loan ( which has to be re-paid anyway). That to me is unfair. Why should my children be penalised by my income, when they are now in fact adults?

And to answer the point that it is my choice to have a large mortgage and live in the SE- well, the reason I am in the SE is that 30 years ago unemployment was so bad for people in my profession that I left the north in order to find work, rather than be unemployed or take a job that did not use my degree.

No gnd, I don't miss the point at all. You don't want to give up any of your income and resent those who don't have your income being helped by the state.

I'm not sure what you being a graduate has to do with it either. And you are not alone in paying more tax, although it would appear to seem as if you think so! You pay more tax because you earn more. And taxes are paid to the government for the greater good - i.e. to pay for services that will benefit all of us, not just the select few.

We live in a society, where the less fortunate are given some help. I find it sad that you choose to feel penalised by this system.