Adult son not paying his way or helping out. Really fed up with it. WWYD?

[catweazle]

My DS1 dropped out of uni this year and came home in June. He didn't want to go back to his old job at McDs and wasn't going to but DS2 bullied him into it. He doesn't know what he wants to do. Every week since he's been back I've suggested the adult careers office in the town might help and every week he finds excuses not to go. He is only working 3 days (and not full days). The rest of the time he sits in his room on his laptop. He has started his driving lessons again as he thinks it will help to find him a job.

We sat him down several weeks ago and explained that he needed to be paying us for his keep. We have never taken money off him before, even when he was working FT in the last summer hols, because he was saving for uni. I don't want to make money off him but firstly we really can't afford to keep him as he eats like a locust, and secondly no-one gets a free ride in this life and it's time he got used to it. We suggested 1/3 of his take home pay but said if he thought that was too much we were open to discussion.

Several weeks have passed and no money. I have "reminded" him twice. He just grunts. It is embarrassing to have to beg for money. Our finances are quite bad and we could do with it, especially the amount of food we are having to buy for 3 teens at home all day... In the meantime he is buying books, toys, sweets, music, so it isn't as if he is really skint. It cost us over £300 to go and get him home from uni and although we don't expect him to be grateful it would be nice if he would acknowledge that we have actually put ourselves out for him.

If we ask him to tidy up it doesn't happen. if we ask him to watch the baby he won't. He doesn't do anything spontaneously- dishwasher, making meals etc and has to be nagged to do anything, so it's easier not to bother. He is almost 21 years old.

He wasn't like this before he went away. He was always anxious to work as much as possible and was quite helpful around the house. I'm sure the experience has knocked his confidence but he won't talk to us. I'm trying to help him but he won't co-operate. DH is now saying we should find him somewhere to live and ask him to leave because he is fed up with his attitude.

Help!!!

[Cappuccino]

I do hope you haven't made it clear to your son that you resent the money you spent going up to university to support him through what was an incredibly difficult time for him

[Yeyeayo]

Alright - my son is only 11, which is a looong way off from your son's age. But I do have a mum who dealt with my brothers and I according to our age. When I got pregnant at the age of 18, she was there for me and my son but she told me some home truths and let me know that she would not be taking parental responsibility for my son - that was my job.

I agree that he sounds like he is going through a hard time, and may even be depressed. Which is a big thing. At the same time, he is almost 21 and needs to know that things can't work like they did before he left for uni. I agree with purpleduck and spicemonster. Be there for him by all means, tell him you or your husband is there when he's ready to talk. But him being in your house has increased the grocery bill by this amount, and electricity and gas has also increased by whatever amount. Let him know that all these things have gone up ridiculously recently and you and his father are finding it difficult as are many families. Tell him he's your son and you are quite happy to have him there but he needs to pull his weight by cleaning up after himself and paying his way - which is still cheaper than renting his own place. Find how much much money he is earning and set a rent amount that is manageable for him and will make significant inroads to covering the extra amount it is costing him to keep him there.
He will move out at some point, and he is going to need to know how to take care of himself - even if he moves in with a partner. Trust me when I say you will be doing right by him if you make him pull his weight.

Hope it helps and sorry if I sound judgmental in any way. Like I said, my son's not there yet. But I am thankful that my mum treated me as she did. It has made me a much more capable person. I'm sure he'll be thankful at some point too.

[girlnextdoor]

expat- a tad harsh perhaps?

The lad is only 20 - he may be an adult in law, but not emotionally inm any ways. His self-esteem has taken a real knocking and he could well be depressed.

I don't think you can possibly compare a 32 yr old with a lad who is 20.

A simple rota of household chores that he should do and a compromise over money should be all that is needed.

These are his parents!

I also think that the OP should not keep going on about the £300 it cost to collect him from uni- we pay that amount twice very month for our DCs accommodation at uni- even over the summer when they are not living there!

[BitOfFun]

I think what expat said makes a lot of sense (I [heart] most of her posts!), and that the point was that this is the direction he could so easily go in if things don't change pronto.

[pagwatch]

i also think that being hugely inactive just exacerbates depression.
If he is driffting after dropping out then the longer he drifts the worse it will be for him to try and re focus.

I think you need a carrot and a stick. You need to cut down on the nagging and just be clear about how keen you are to help him but that he also has to help himself.

[girlnextdoor]

riven- I think I will have to show your posts to my DCs so they realise how lucky they are! They have never contributed financially at all- they are both students and any money they earn goes into the accounts to supplement living expenses over the year- or to pay of their £20k debts when they finish! we just bear the brunt of it all.

[expatinscotland]

Get real, girlnextdoor. My BIL has gotten to that age still living at home because he's been allowed to stay there since he, too, dropped out of university at 21.

The OP does not have the money to keep her son. She doesn't have it.

She also says she has 3 other children to feed.

What about them?

What would happen if there were no more room in the house, literally, for him to come back?

Well, there'd be no room then and he'd have to find something else to do.

How can you compromise when there's literally no money to do it with?

He's been home for over 2 months and isn't taking his parents seriously.

They have already tried to talk to him about money. He blows them off and buys sweets, toys and music instead of paying them for the upkeep they cannot afford.

'Only 20'? Again, as riven points out, a lot of people, including on this board, are parents themselves by then.

They supported him by going and getting him and making space in their home for him.

Well, support's a two-way street. God helps those who help themselves.

[BitOfFun]

Good point about the responsibility Riven. Perhaps OP could bring up subject of depression and some self-help or a GP visit too? Sorry if that's been suggested already, skimmed some bits.

[girlnextdoor]

goes into their accounts!

[TheProvincialLady]

To those who keep going on about the son being a very young adult, practically a child etc - he is old enough to vote, drink, get a full time job and pay tax, to get married, to emigrate and basically to run his life like an adult. Because he IS an adult. There are people on MN with two children and more at his age, do we suggest that their mums feed and clothes them and generally run their lives?

I feel that if you stopped all this enabling, he would be forced to take some responsibility for his actions. And why would you let him get away with him not talking to you or doing any chores - this is your house and he is taking the piss. If he wants to live in your house then he needs to contribute to the expenses and chores at the rate you feel is appropriate (private landlords aren't normally as accommodating!), and if he doesn't like the terms and conditions he is at liberty to spend his time and money elsewhere.

As someone who has 3 or 4 family members (all men) still living with their mothers at the age of 26-40, I strongly advise you to nip this in the bud now for HIS sake as much as yours.

And girlnextdoor - £300 is obviously a lot to the OP so whether you can afford that amount a fortnight is not really relevant. It is a sizeable amount of money and it has in effect been wasted so I can understand the frustration.

[expatinscotland]

'I think responisbility lifts someone out of depression to be honest. Feeling useful and making an effort.'

I agree! I would really and truly wallow if it werent' for the fact that I have to look after hte girls and do stuff for them.

Like you, riven, we will never ever have the money to support both girls financially in adulthood unless they contribute.

Or even space.

That's life for most folks.

My dad was the same way. His parents were poor. EVERYONE had jobs to do at home to help, as his dad worked as a builder and his mother and sisters took in washing (back in the days before everyone had a machine) and ironing and worked as cleaners in peoples' homes. Even the boys.

It was the only way to survive.

As a result, the surviving siblings are incredibly close.

[expatinscotland]

£300 heats our home for almost 3 months in Scottish winter.

it's a huge sum of money to some people.

[girlnextdoor]

I am totally real Expat.

How am I not being real? Did you not read my post which said what was needed was compromise over money- agreeing an amount to hand over- I THINK I said that twice- and drawing up a rota for chores. What is unreal about that please?

If her son was at uni, surely they would still be paying for him anyway- that point has not been mentioned. Student loans do not cover all their uni costs- our DCs loans do not even cover their accommodation - so we have to top that up,which is several hundred pounds a year, then pay for all their food and living expenses, times two.

I think the point that a lot of you are missing is that this young man is finding life hard and is unsure of his future. Yes, he needs to be more caring at home, but for goodness sake, the answer is not to sling him out on the streets, or treat him as some social parasite who has been living off either the state or benefits for years. he has JUST left uni and is unsure of what to do next.

I cannot comment on your BIL and can only suggest that the arrangement suits them all otherwise they would do something about it.

[girlnextdoor]

expat well I hope you don't have DCs who want to goto uni- cos you had better save now! Of course, in Scotland they get a lot of their fees paid don't they- by us bloody English!

[Saggarmakersbottomknocker]

When people say, 'But they're family', well, that's a two way street when you're talking about adult family members. It works both ways. Absolutely expat.

I have a 20 year old. He deferred uni and ended up not going at all, is living here and working full-time. He would, if I let him, do nothing and pay nothing (who wouldn't? ), but I'm sorry, I don't let him.

It seems to me catweazle that you have done the coaxing and the mollycoddling and now you need to get a little tougher with him. To me that means withdrawing some of your services.

[expatinscotland]

There is nothing to save at the end of the month, girlnextdoor.

If they want to go to uni, they are going to have to find the money themselves.

It sounds like if the OP is struggling that hard her son may have been getting grants and bursaries at university.

She can't afford to keep him. Not an issue of compromise when you just can't afford it.

It's a reality for a lot of people and the ranks of those for whom it is will probably grow, especially with the pension crisis looming and more people having to care for elderly relatives.

He's been home for over 2 months.

Yes, life hits rough patches for many of us, but that doesn't exempt us from rent and paying for cost of living.

That's adulthood for ya.

[Saggarmakersbottomknocker]

He may well be unsure of what to do next but that doesn't negate him from emptying the dishwasher or handing over some cash.

[spicemonster]

Don't students work anymore? I worked all through my degree - 2 nights a week during term time and every holiday. That's what you do isn't it? And I started college at 17 so I was a lot younger. That was just how we were brought up.

[expatinscotland]

My dad had to work full-time to support two kids and a wife and go to university.

It took 6 years, but he got a petroleum engineering degree.

LOTS of people do this, too.

My sister got the US-equivalent of PGCE whilst working as a teacher in a private school and had two kids herself.

There are plenty of people on here, charlotte21 comes to mind, who are near the same age as the OP's son, lone parents with two kids and doing a course and/or working.

[Saggarmakersbottomknocker]

Yes, it's a shocker when CTC and child benefit stop for a 'child' still living at home. Loads less money coming in and the same old bills.

[girlnextdoor]

expat and riven- you need to get real, I am afraid if you think your kids would be able to support themselves through uni without any help. Have you ANY idea of the figures we are talking about? BOTH my kids work all their holidays but it still doesn't pay enough- and if students spend all their time working they do less well in their studies.

I don't need any lectures about how tough it can be- I went to uni myself but that was in the days of grants. I also worked all my holidays.

My father held down a full time manual job- ship yards-whilst working at his degree in the evenings and it took 7 years part time. he had to leave school at 13 as his mother was a widow and in the days before benefits she had to have 3 jobs to keep a roof over their heads.

I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth if that is what you are thinking.