Found DH looking at porn tonight, feel so angry and upset and unattractive

[rubyblue]

I know I'm probably overreacting and that most men look at porn but can't believe that I found my DH doing it tonight, secretly and furtively in the bedroom whilst i was cooking dinner! He tried to lie to me but then quickly admitted that he looks at it sometimes and kept saying not often but how on earth am I supposed to know or believe him? I tried to be relaxed about it and not kick up a massive fuss but was quite upset.
And the more I've thought about it over the past couple of hours, the angrier I feel. I did tell him that I don't look like those women (especially not post baby - in all regions!) so it makes me feel crap to know that he gets off on that kind of thing. I'm only now just feeling a bit sexier (ds 7 months old, given up breastfeeding, lost some weight and finally enjoying sex again) but feel like any confidence I had in my body has been shattered again. I feel tearful now thinking about it and seeing those images of siliconed women with their legs open just makes me feel awful. How can men find that attractive?
Am I completely overreacting? I don't know what to say to DH. He's in the other room and I can't bear to sit with him. I feel like if I try and explain how I'm feeling he will think I'm being really repressed. But I now feel so insecure and the fact that he's lied about it. Oh god, please someone give me some advice. Has this happened to you?

Interested in finding out what images women think are ok. I found video clips of gang bangs etc. One man, several women in a kind of a line-up situation. Didn't look like it would've been much fun for the woman iyswim. Didn't make me feel "oh that's ok to have that on our family computer". A prude I ain't, but ffs.........

I don't want my DH to go to lap dancing bars,watch porn etc and he is ok with that.

It would make me feel like crap if he did so he doesn't. He respects how i feel. The guys he works with think he's "pussy whipped" because he is not ogling/shagging dancers like the rest of them but he knows i'm not ok with it.

Not all men look at porn.

I agree dittany

Tbh, I quite like porn myself. There are, of course, limits to what I find a turn on but mild porn really works for my marriage. I've also just bought "The Big Book Of Breasts" and "The Big Book of Penises" (the second is the approximate title). They are full of pictures of boobs and penises and my husband and I agreed that we would really love a copy of each! Mild titilation, good for a bit of self-love - nothing wrong with that!

I had exactly the same problem with DD was only about a week old. I had a thread on here about it. I was up all night struggling with breastfeeding a new baby, still in pain from labour and stitches etc, and found that my DP had been up all night in the other room watching nasty porn. And it wasn't even our computer. We were staying in someone else's flat.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. I don't think statistics about how many men look at porn or the fact that women look at porn are of any relevance. The point is how it makes YOU feel. If it makes you feel uncomfortable then that's totally valid and reasonable and your DP needs to understand that and either stop it or at least do it in a way that you don't have to know about it!

Not sure my relationship with DP ever recovered really. It hasn't been the only problem, there have been lots of things, but I think I'm still angry with him for betraying my trust (I explained how it made me feel and asked him to stop and he solemnly promised he would but then continued. I caught him out several times in a matter of weeks...all at a time when I was feeling awful and just needed his support).

Anyway, enough about me! Just wanted to give you a hug

I found out that my husband had been looking at porn. Sadly, he was already booked onto a plane to Bangkok to sample what he found on the net.

And he went. With a suitcase full of condoms and after telling me he wanted seedy sex.

That was nearly three months ago. He left me with a 6 and a half month old baby. Had an email from him 2 weeks ago saying he couldn't possibly have sex with strangers. But actually he had been shagging in the malaysia hotel. Daft bastard was clearly so frantic to get his pants off he forgot I have contacts and am good at tracking people down.

In my now-single-parent-opinion, the effect of porn depends on how much of a wanker your bloke is. Literally. He was a big wanker.

crikey human bean!!!!!

its not the porn that annoyed me about my ex,it was his secretiveness!! turned out it was kept from me cos his mother hit the roof when she found it when he lived at home! think he thought all women reacted the same way. he went on though to become addicted. even when i made it clear it was no problem,.....just don't go to such lengths to hide it! i found it stashed all over our house......behind the bath panel,hidden between jumpers,in boots,under the carpet and on one occasion,wedged between a hedge and garden fence!!!! then came the computer....and mobile....and in the dvd player.....all items passed on to the kids when we divorced. luckily i got to it first.

Were they flesh and blood women? I can just imagine them, holding their breaths as they hide squashed behind the bath panel, holding each other tight with alternate arms down the jumpers, curled up inside knee-high boots, lying flat with their eyes shut under the carpet, sucking in huge tits as they wedge themselves between the hedge and the fence....

Seriously though...did you discover it all at once? It's a bit Fred West isn't it. Glad you're not with him anymore. Sad git.

I think my husband wants to look at and get off on porn probably because our sex life is not what it was. The usual story in that 2 small children saw to that. I'm just knackered most of the time and with so much else to think about sex just doesn't enter my head very often. I should probably make more of an effort and although I don't really understand men's sexuality, DH probably needs some kind of outlet for his frustrations.

I am going to tell him to get rid of the stuff though and ban anything like that from the house in future. Just trying to find the right moment and the right approach. He knows how I feel about even having just lads mags lying around at home because of the kids seeing it and accepting such soft porn airbrushed images as 'normal' for women. It's then up to him what he does in private as long as it doesn't bother me or the kids, or anyone else for that matter!

Rubyblue, YANBU. I should imagine it's the deceipt that's upsetting more than the actual porn. When you've got a new baby and you're adjusting to the huge life change and body change that having a baby brings it is normal to feel vulnerable and a bit insecure. Your partner shouldn't be feeding your insecurity he should be doing everything possible to make you feel attractive and sexy again. I don't think there is anything wrong with porn personally, and I do think it's normal for men and women to use it but only in a relationship if both parties are happy about it. Talk to him about your feelings. If he doesn't see your point of view then go and get yourself a stash of big willy porn and see how he likes it- bet you he will see your perspective then!

Rubyblue, YANBU. I should imagine it's the deceipt that's upsetting more than the actual porn. When you've got a new baby and you're adjusting to the huge life change and body change that having a baby brings it is normal to feel vulnerable and a bit insecure. Your partner shouldn't be feeding your insecurity he should be doing everything possible to make you feel attractive and sexy again. I don't think there is anything wrong with porn personally, and I do think it's normal for men and women to use it but only in a relationship if both parties are happy about it. Talk to him about your feelings. If he doesn't see your point of view then go and get yourself a stash of big willy porn and see how he likes it- bet you he will see your perspective then!

babies....do seem to be a bit of a flashpoint don't they!!?

when i was in hosp,having just had my second,my ex was on the phone to these "get a hot date in your area tonight" phonelines!! this was back in 1996,so a bit old fashioned now. i only found out when we got our itemised bill a month or so later......felt more sad for our daughter than myself at that point!!

So many good point being made on this thread. It is ?dot com? after all. It is important because everybody suffers. The woman, the man and the family unit.

So many times it is ?ok? so long as shared. So often that is not what the man actually wants though. Often ?the kids might see it? - but they might not.

It can be about something more than ?normal? sexuality. About personality and deep-rooted problems. What is addiction anyway? Addictions to smoking, drugs or alcohol might be more easily overcome by a loving and fulfilling sexual and intimate relationship. But problems of intimacy, bonding etc maybe not so easily?

I do wonder that somehow there is something about control. In it. Sexual power. Power generally. And that the baby issue seems to escalate this problem sometimes - it did for me horribly - that you might not have known existed within the relationship even. Is that to do with threat? Threat to an already threatened masculinity? Threat of female bonding at this time - the only time?

I do not think it mostly has anything to do with the woman altering her shape. Many partners like the role, their moving baby, the big breasts and so on. She alters in a lot more ways than that. It is modern society with its ?drive to thinness? which might be making us think that is the cause. Rubens, this era. Wealth and rotundity were sexually exciting and inviting - and a sign of power. It is just so sad though when people pack up and go and find this shit abroad with condoms, or a woman finds gang bangs exciting the male that ?fathered? her child. It is sad. It is ?f-- sad? when you are angry. But - it is very sad when you allow yourself to really think about it.

What if,...you watched a little yourself on the QT? I find it helps me get down and jiggy especialy since my interest is virtually zero since DS's came along. ANd I would not in a million years "prefer" to be with any of the blokes on the screen to my cuddly balding DH.

[wink

He probably lied because he knew what your reaction would be.
IMO all men look at porn. If you think they don't then they are not telling you. I don't understand why women are so threatened by it....its just pictures/videos.
If you watched some yourself you might just like it and your DH would love the fact that he can share this with you and not have to get his fix in secret. You can get porn with men it too you know! Go on you don't know what you are missing!!

"You can get porn with men it too you know!"

No shit sherlock.

I was being sarcastic with that comment you know.... of course everyone knows blokes are in porn too FFS!