Found DH looking at porn tonight, feel so angry and upset and unattractive

[rubyblue]

I know I'm probably overreacting and that most men look at porn but can't believe that I found my DH doing it tonight, secretly and furtively in the bedroom whilst i was cooking dinner! He tried to lie to me but then quickly admitted that he looks at it sometimes and kept saying not often but how on earth am I supposed to know or believe him? I tried to be relaxed about it and not kick up a massive fuss but was quite upset.
And the more I've thought about it over the past couple of hours, the angrier I feel. I did tell him that I don't look like those women (especially not post baby - in all regions!) so it makes me feel crap to know that he gets off on that kind of thing. I'm only now just feeling a bit sexier (ds 7 months old, given up breastfeeding, lost some weight and finally enjoying sex again) but feel like any confidence I had in my body has been shattered again. I feel tearful now thinking about it and seeing those images of siliconed women with their legs open just makes me feel awful. How can men find that attractive?
Am I completely overreacting? I don't know what to say to DH. He's in the other room and I can't bear to sit with him. I feel like if I try and explain how I'm feeling he will think I'm being really repressed. But I now feel so insecure and the fact that he's lied about it. Oh god, please someone give me some advice. Has this happened to you?

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I need to tell him how I feel but not tonight. I feel too sad to do it now. I thought he liked our sex life, I mean it's not been that busy since we had the baby (as if??) but I thought we were doing ok and back on track. If anything, it's been better for me.

I know we all have private fantasies going on in our heads, it justs seems that by actively looking for stuff on the net alone, it takes it one step further and makes it more real.

If only it were that easy! Surely the question is "do you fancy me more/the most?"

And the answer could easily be "no" - "but you're what's available!"

I'm just a bit of a cynic.

rubyblue - i think research shows that many men are visually turned on and that pictures are what they like. It doesn't mena your sex life is a lie or any less real.

IMO there are 3 sex lives in every marriage -

the one you have together

the one you have on your own

the one he has on his own

It is normal and the privateness of porn perusing is just part of his sex life not a rejection of your joint sexlife.

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Gagarin, sensible advice. I should not see this as a rejection of our sex life. I guess I'm disappointed as I (stupidly) thought fantasies, shared/private and me were enough but he is a man and obviously needs more of a visual stimulus. The insecure side of me wonders he if is bored with our sex life and needs something else? But I'll have to ask him.
Next time he asks what I'm looking at on the web, I'll just say some hot men and he can shut the door after him!

I'd be a little upset if I caught a man looking at in secret. I have absolutely no hang ups re porn and have been happy to watch it with a partner. It can be fun as well as boring sometimes. Tell him you could look at it together. If you are OK with that.

If its only once in a while I wouldn't worry at all. He is not looking at the women because he wants to be with them just as I don't want to be with men who feature.

I recently looked up what was available just out of curiosity and was shocked to see what was. Free vids etc. An x rated youtube.

Ruby,lol that's the spirit.

RB: have you ever fantasized about a male celeb? I won't bother listing names as your tastes are your business, but if you have had fantasies about someone who you will never meet or have sex with and just enjoyed those fantasies as a little idle interlude then bear in mind that this is what your DH is doing when he looks at porn: indulging in a little bit of an escapist time-out.

There is also the possiblitity (depending on the current state of play in your relationship) that if you are tired and bound up in dealing with a newborn and therefore not that interested in sex, that your DH is looking at a bit of porn as a way of managing his sex drive without pestering you. Now a lot of people go 'Eek, PORN!' without actually knowing what they are talking about because everyone has different definitions of what porn actually is, some more condemnatory than others...lots and lots of people of both/all genders and sexualities like to look at pictures of people they think attractive doing things they find arousing. If your DH's behaviour toward you is loving and wonderful in every other way then please don't make too big a deal of this. Have a calm friendly chat with him, share your feelings, ask him how he feels and listen to the answers. Then you can work out, together, what you want to do next.

I know my dh looks at porn occasionally and I don't have a problem with the mags etc, we've watched films together and found it stimulating, and tbh, a lot of fun.

However, i got upset when i found out dh had been looking at porn on the internet and we had a row over it and he hasn't done so since. My reasoning was that if you look at the mags/films you know what you're getting but with the internet you never know for sure what is going to crop up and i really hated the idea of some real shitty stuff coming up, hated the thought of it being brought into my house, however unknowingly.

Been there, done that and got the t-shirt. I reacted much as you did. TBH, I am not sure I really care what he looks at anymore, but this is several more years down the line, I know that after 2 kids and heavily pregnant with my 3rd that I am not as attractive as I used to be (although hope I have taken on other attractive qualities) and as he is getting older and some middle age spread, he is not as attractive to me as he once was and I don't have a problem looking at topless, scantily clad men and having a bit of a daydream. Doesn't mean I would leave hubby for a hunky young thing. (well, not for looks anyhow, although we are having other issues right now, where if he doesn't buck up his idea's, he will find himself kicked out of his own home )

I really do think most men do look at it, and the internet is the easiest way of getting hold of it ( totally anonymous etc)

Try not to see it as a personal rejection of you... it so isn't, no more than owning a vibrator means you aren't interested in the real thing.
They are just masturbatory tools after all.

Dittany, they are real but only really exist online or on dvds. There is no way that someone's dh could meet them in person.
(If that makes sense)

For sure, THW. Women are a bit more sophisticated with their tools.
But I think that the two are pretty equivalent, neither signify a rejection or your real life partner.
Well that's my opinion anyway!

All men look at porn, it doesn't mean he doesn't fancy you. In fact he probably wants you and knows your not that keen at the moment. I still don't feel like "it" 16 months down the line Never bothers me when dh looks at porn

katie - no they dont!

I think most men look at porn
its just their other halfs dont find out

Notanotter: yes they do. Well all my exes did! And they were all 'nice guys'.
I think it's rare to find a man who doesn't to be honest.

actually on 2nd thoughts Dont think my dad would

but dp is a dad and he does

Who knows tis one of lifes little mysteries

I like porn- gets me in the mood, but prefer a nice erotic story to full on porn

I don't think it's necessarily the case that all men look at porn, but most men are very visual which is why they find it stimulating. I wouldn't be worried about that at all - it has nothing to do with you or how you look. But I have felt insecure in the past about this kind of thing so know where you're coming from...

NotAnOtter - yes they do, every man I know does.

For me a love scene in a film (and a book if I get chance to read) is so much more erotic that porn. Think Atonement in the library. phoar! This is the most recent one I recall.

All men look at porn as do many women.