Found DH looking at porn tonight, feel so angry and upset and unattractive

[rubyblue]

I know I'm probably overreacting and that most men look at porn but can't believe that I found my DH doing it tonight, secretly and furtively in the bedroom whilst i was cooking dinner! He tried to lie to me but then quickly admitted that he looks at it sometimes and kept saying not often but how on earth am I supposed to know or believe him? I tried to be relaxed about it and not kick up a massive fuss but was quite upset.
And the more I've thought about it over the past couple of hours, the angrier I feel. I did tell him that I don't look like those women (especially not post baby - in all regions!) so it makes me feel crap to know that he gets off on that kind of thing. I'm only now just feeling a bit sexier (ds 7 months old, given up breastfeeding, lost some weight and finally enjoying sex again) but feel like any confidence I had in my body has been shattered again. I feel tearful now thinking about it and seeing those images of siliconed women with their legs open just makes me feel awful. How can men find that attractive?
Am I completely overreacting? I don't know what to say to DH. He's in the other room and I can't bear to sit with him. I feel like if I try and explain how I'm feeling he will think I'm being really repressed. But I now feel so insecure and the fact that he's lied about it. Oh god, please someone give me some advice. Has this happened to you?

Wanking over porn and having sex with the woman you love are two totally different things and doing one doesn't mean you want to stop doing the other. (Mr JJ contribution to the discussion).

YANBU to feel insecure, you are adjusting to motherhood and everything that comes with that. However I think YABU to be angry with your OH. He's not rejecting you by looking at porn.

Look at it a different way.

He is horny, you are knackered. Rather than hassle you into having sex he 'deals' with himself, he knows you will be upset by his looking at porn so he does in on the quiet. Like the majority of women you are upset by the lying but in a uniquely male way he may have trying to save your feelings.

rubyblue i walked in on my DH a few weeks back after a night out with my friend doing something similar (if you do a search on my name my thread about it will be there i think) i completely understand how you are feeling. i felt like this myself. whilst i understand that many men use porn in their sexual routine, i dont like the thought that one of these men is my husband. i struggle to accept the concept that my DH can look at slim, attractive, fake boobed somewhat slutty women and feel turned on in the same way as he does when he looks at me (not slim, not entirely unattractive, saggy boobed and slummy mummy styleee) it doesnt tally in my head but i have had to just simply accept that he does feel attracted to both me and the porno women but he LOVES me thats the difference. i would talk to him as soon as you feel less upset and make it clear that you dont like it but you need to know why he felt he needed to hide it from you. keep calm and listen to him. he may feel he needed the tension release and didnt want to bother you with this.
i hope you feel better after talking things through wkith your DH
xx ei xx

If its addictive then yes it is not harmless. The same for other things, gambling, OK if its a bet on the grand national, drinking OK at weekends, recreational drugs, OK every couple of months.

The OP wasn't dealing with an habitual porn addict just her DH looking at it now and again so no harm done. IMO

People can get addicted to just about anything (any World of Warcraft widows about). Blaming the picture for the viewer's behaviour is common but remains utterly stupid.

Mind you, apart from the fact that some (by no means all) porn is produced by criminals, with bad and unsafe working conditions for the performers, everything else that is claimed as Reasons Why Porn is the Devil is subjective bullshit and urban myths.

I think YAB(a bit)U but so is he. He needs to understand how it makes you feel and be much more discreet if he insists on looking at porn.

I think the majority of men look at porn at some point. I know my Dh does... he has the decency to keep it out of the house though. He knows I do not like it and Dh can be daft at times and leave stuff lying around. I have told him do what he wants when out of the house but I do not want the Dd's exposed to it! When the time is right they can know about porn, but not now.

it doesn't matter if all men do or not, what matters is the OP feels insecure!

Rubyblue - what he is doing is not unusual and it cerainly doesn't mean he no longer finds you attractive. You probably need to sit down and talk to your husband about how you feel and let him explain to you how he feels about porn. Don't let this build up inside and left unspoken. now you know he looks at porn, and he knows it makes you feel insecure. Work on that and move forward from here. I hope you manage to sort it out.

every man i know doesn't look at porn and i am not ashamed/naive to say so

I don't like the idea of men looking at porn in private, but that's just my opinion. My h did it for 2 years and imo was the beginning of him disconnecting from me and going on to have an affair (in his opinion too). Internet porn in particular can be very addictive. I can understand how vulnerable you feel at this stage so soon after having a baby. I think you should tell him how you are feeling. Maybe you can come up with a compromise (e.g erotic literature or films for couples) but only if you are agreeable. Equally he needs to tell you what his take is on it. Some men do it in an opportunistic way, others do it much more frequently and want it on a regular basis.

I walked in on my partner looking at porn and yes it also made me feel pretty rotten. It did upset me but he didnt understand why. I was pregnant at the time and it made me feel shite. I was shocked cos he told me he wasnt into it. Im very naive i know! He knew that i wasnt into it and guessed that lying about it and doing it in secret was the way to go. Id rather he was honest about it. Ive since had the baby and i know hes been doing it a lot since. ( although tries to deny it)! Id feel better about it if it was something we were doing together to try and spice up our sexlives! I have said that to him but he says hes not sure. I get the impression its something he wants to do on his own. Its the fact he lies about it that upsets me more than the actual porn. I cant do anything other than turn a blind eye!

I think it's also important to bear in mind that lots an lots of people, despite being in a couple relationship and having a sexually-willing partner, sometimes like to masturbate. Wanking over porn is not infidelity. If you feel betrayed at your partner having any kind of private life and want to control and own his/her sexual thoughts as well as actions then your relationship is probably doomed and definitely unhealthy.

Solidgoldbrass you make an important point there. One person cannot control another persons thoughts. Rubyblue has had a shock and naturally it has thrown up a lot of questions. When you have a partner that you also consider to be your best friend it makes you wonder how and why you didnt know a certain something about them. Rubyblue how are you feeling now? I know you had a surprise but please dont doubt yourself in any way. It honestly has no reflection on you whatsoever.

I don't think being unhappy with a partner looking at/wanking over porn he watches alone is the same as trying to control their sexual thoughts.

In reality this is highly complex. Both as an argument and as a concept. The son loves the mother and so has the Oedipus complex - and so needs to escape sometimes from the mature, all-consuming umbilical female love on which he ultimately has depended. The mother is never the whore - so escapism is easy there and to see an origin - though not to blame mothers. I think that their woman becoming the mother makes her become an object of fear for some men. An empowering role again - that they might recognise. Also, men look stupid when they portray themselves as purely a sexual object. They have to be ?doing something? and their face has to appeal. A male faceless arse sticking out at you would do little for the average female. Next is the ?association?. If a female faceless bottom be so attractive - who then be the owner of it? Who is ?giving it to them?. Of course, the whore again. I would not stick my bottom out for just anybody. The ?acceptance? of the male and the ?desire to please them? and ?give it to them? is empowering for them to observe - and part of its addiction factor I think. Especially if they are not the rich handsome Prince, the Knight in shining armour. Men being of simple minds sexuality then get led along the destructive paths of associations with ?dirtiness?, ?secrecy?, ?escape from responsibility? and so on. If it hurts so many adult women - as it so evidently does - then there must be something ?hurtful? in it. Even given the ultimate fantasy of their perfect male - women would chose most of the time their own man. Are we programmed to fidelity by our society - currently on the female part? Once a sperm has penetrated the egg the environment is made hostile to a foreign sperm? That would mean that nature accepts the possibility of a woman having SI with another male within the hour of the last? Would this be rape - or normal cave-dwelling libido for the woman also? It is possible that males are being given a free reign when women are being repressed without the corresponding exciting imagery. I find males in porn films utterly dull - though I have watched very little of it. However, I still think that we would want to be more faithful - both mentally and in reality. Which brings me to the saddest part of all. For some men - it does not stop there. These are real people in these films. Would we have more than a passing irritation if they were computer-generated images? And some men want to find them. They are easy to find. Either on ?adult fun dating sites? or as a lap dance with a bit more for the business men - or as escorts who cost a bit more. There is a lot more to this than erotica. Hard core porn and worse. Escalation. I think that this whole area is turning ?womens lib? on its head. Maybe that is the goal. But men are still maintaining their independence, their work etc. Without a commitment to family life - this is leaving many women vulnerable once again. Just as of old. Most men love their independence - this is just giving them another way to find it. It is a sad time for love and sadder still that it has not truly become civilised - since it is the children of this society that will suffer for mens desire for power and space. Wartime rape? Herod? What?s new there - maybe. Maybe women are ?nicer? than men and this simply weeds many of them out. If you think you have a special one - hold onto him and let him know that you are proud of him for not being a bloody wanker! They are quick enough to call us c---- despite their love them, those types I mean! Most women get large breasts when they are pregnant - and some men just enjoy that fact. Also - you are growing their child so that should be an increase in intimacy. Maybe towards the end of the pregnancy and for the first couple of months - maybe a bit of porn is forgivable then - not too hard core. Like everything in life though - you live and learn - and having a child is also a part of learning something more about your partner. I do wonder that a lot of women accept it for fear of being alone?

WOW WOW WOW! Having read your msge FORESTFERN i just had to say WOW! Going to get my cuppa and re-read!

Forestfern - some of that is freudian rubbish I believe!

Forestfern: sorry but that's a crock. Lots of women want sex with multiple partners, do not want to have children etc, plenty of men are desperate for monogamy. And there are also plenty of people who are gay, bisexual, asexual and intersexual. The social pressures towards monogamy, female dependence and the nuclear family as the only correct way to live are a mixture of superstition, economics and cultural conditioning.
Also, this obsession with women controlling men's access to sex probably has something to do with the fact that women have a hormone-driven impluse to have sex with lots of men when they are fertile, to ensure the strongest sperm wins. That most women don't do this shows the effectiveness of both free will and cultural conditioning ie we are not at the mercy of our hormones and impulses, and women are have had centuries of being forcefed an almost daily diet of propaganda to the effect that their sexuality belongs to Their Man - not even to them, themselves.

"If a female faceless bottom be so attractive - who then be the owner of it?"

i got this far and realised that the post was no more than the pseudo-intellectual spoutings of a first term psychology student.

think it's really harsh to call the OP unreasonable - it sounds like it's not so much the act of her DH looking at porn but more the effect it had on her and her insecurities.

My DH used to look at porn quite frequently before we were married and i on occasion watched it with him, he reassured me all the time he wanted me in real life so I never felt upset about it. Then when we got married he declared that he'd wiped all the porn from his computer as he had no need of it anymore...2 years later I'm 7 months pregnant and so not feeling all that great about my figure, and our sex life has halved to what it was and I found porn on his computer...it wasn't so much the finding it but his reaction of being furtive and trying to hide it that upset me and amde question whether he still finds me attractive - I totally accept this is all about my own insecurities

I think have a chat with you DH, give him the opportunity to reassure you that does fancy you and loves your sex life and looking at porn is unconnected to his feelings about you

forestfern, that is the biggest load of pretentious claptrap I have had the misfortune to see for a good while!