And the affair goes on!!!!!

[cantmoveon]

Very long story. My husband of 18 years has been having an affair for 18months. I found out 10 months ago.

I was obviously devastated but wanted to make our marriage work. I believed he did too. i was so stupid I didn't think he would leave me. After a couple of weeks I let him go off with friends. But he went instead to her.

He seemed to be in a complete mess. I felt sad for him and thought I could help him. I didn't believe the intelligent man I had married really wanted this other woman and to leave me and our 3 beautiful, happy, innocent daughters.

After about 3 weeks of me finding out he said he couldn't give her up and we must tell the children. I pleaded for him not to tell them but he did and I tried to be strong for them. He then left. Within a few hours he was back. The children were so so upset with him. It was completely heartbreaking. He stayed the night then said he couldn't do it.

He had to go to tell superslag that he couldn't do it.

Anyway 10 months on he has continually lied to me and cannot give this manipulative selfish piece of trash up.

The problem is I can't give up. He says he loves me and I genuinally believe he does. We have talked and talked and talked like we have never talked before. We seem to have resolved issues we may have had. (they really were not very serious at all)

The OW has such a hold over him. Not long after he had tried to leave he said he was off again. I said to him to go and be with her but we wouldn't tell the children until he was sure he wanted to leave for good. Well it didn't last long = he said he didn't want to be with her. I thought it was over between them.

I have tried everything. I've told him to leave but he won't. He says he loves me but can't give her up. He just needs to see her sometimes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a wreck. I have hidden this from everyone. I wanted him to be able to be part of my family again without all this shit getting in the way. Even the children don't know.

I know this is very very wrong and he should have been kicked out a long time ago but I CAN'T hurt the children. They were so sad it was unbearable. I still think we could get over this. But I am being destroyed. The trouble is I don't care. I just don't want to hurt the children.

I know you will think I am crazy to have put up with this and I agree I am.

Just needed to let it out. I can't keep this terrible hurt inside.

I'm so sorry for everyone else who is going through similar or worse times. You sound so much stronger than me. On the outside I am strong but inside I am so scared of the future.

DOn't go and see the OW's parents. They are not responsible for YOUR HUSBAND'S behaviour and will tell you to feck off why should they take your side against their daughter? This idea that you (using a generic 'you' here) can rally everyone against your partner's new partner and it will magically make your partner come back is a false one: it will make your partner more inclined to cling to his new GF and protect her against everyone who 'doesn't understand'.
Also, even if you get rid of the person your partner has been seeing, it won't force your partner to 'love' you again if your partner has decided that he/she no longer wants to be in a couple-relationship with you.

SOmething that was quoted from (I think) Mariella Frostrup but is worth remembering: nothing is more demoralising than trying to make someone love you.

This holiday will do you good , although i understand you didnt plan to go alone. Your H could use this week to sort out alternative living arrangements? Chances are he WONT be round there every day, he'll have too much to do .
Also it sounds like hes only going round there when HE wants to, your requests, or hers , wont come into it. Personally i was like a rebellious teen, id go when I felt like it, and although its horrible i now realise that although there was plenty of times i couldve gone round, i usually made sure my H knew about it.For instance i would blatently go round in the evening despite my H begging me not to, but if H was out for the night, i often didnt go.
Maybe this suggests it was about drama , attention seeking,being purposeley cruel- im not sure , but the point im making is dont feel that he'll be round there every night while your on holiday because he might not be,it sounds like its all on his terms. Even if he does, it might do him some good to get a good dose of her. He sounds a lot like i was.
Does your H go out in public with her , or are they cooped up at her place? Do HER freinds know? I ask because i NEVER went out in public with OM and i never told anyone about it, because in all honestly not only was i ashamed of my own behaviour, i was also ashamed of him, he was actually VERY unattractive and was an unemployed layabout ect, a freind who knew nothing compared him to a member of the adams family and commented how weird he was.She wasnt far wrong. OM proudly told his family and strangeley they were pleased for him and would invite me to family gatherings, which i never attended. He would pressure me into telling people about " us " which i never did.
I am sounding more and more horrible with each post, i am literally cringing but wanted to point out that your H probably has no intention whatsoever of being with her full time.
Perhaps take the holiday as some time to relax , maybe just tell the children that you will be living apart for a while, theres really no need to go into any more detail than that.Hope everything works out , and remember shes a secret for a reason.

certified copy I really admire you for sharing your story.
I have experienced something similar and can only stress as you did to the OP that it is NOT about her at all, ie she is not to blame for her husband's fixation on the other woman .

solidgoldbrass I agree wholehearttedly with what you said.

"nothing is more demoralising than trying to make someone love you" I have to say I second this big time, I walked away from a relationship years ago (thankfully no children and we were not married so obviously it was easier) and I have to say it was totally the right thing to do for me.

I sounds as though he is saying he is staying for the children but tbh this is doing you a massive dis-service, you deserve someone who loves you if he is not willing to be that man then him being with you will demoralise you long term.

Listen to Dior and get across to Glam & Fab here they are a great support group as they have all been/or are going through the same thing and will at least help you feel less alone.

I dont see why you cant go away with the children on your own tbh if you tell them he has to work they probably wont question it - it may be the wake up call he needs.

It sounds like she is a troubled person so part of his attraction to her may be the fact that he is married - I wouldnt approach her personally but perhaps if as you say her mother is a counsellor may be tempted to inform her (but that may be inadviseable and just the bitch in me coming out) I think often the secrecy of an affair is part of the attraction once faced with the realities of dealing with friends and family the excitement wears off!!

Cantmoveon - this holiday is a great opportunity for you to take control. Don't have a discussion about it, just tell him you're going without him and that you want him to sort out some new living arrangements while you're away. Even it's only temporary, the point is that YOU are now taking control of the situation.

Here's another good quote for you: "a man should only ever be judged by what he does not by what he says"

I agree with that absolutely, Squeaver. "Love is as love does" (and not as it says it might do).

IT is apparent you love your family, CMO. You are doing everything in your power to keep it together, even to the point of (forgive me for saying so) debasing yourself.

Could you do the short sharp shock treatment? It is very scary incase it backfires though, isn't it?

I still think it wont hurt to let ow's parents know the situation. I bet they dont know what is going on. If her mother is a counsellor, she will be aware of the damage this situation is causing you.

You could do it with a letter. You can just give the facts and leave it up to them how they handle it. Remember, you are the victim in this, you have not caused it.

I strongly believe the secrecy adds excitement to their sordid affair. Once it is out in the open it will look very different.

Sending you strength x

Don't approach the OW parents (I speak from experience) no matter what their job is - they won't thank you - she is their daughter they are never going to side with you against her (no matter what they say in private in public they will be behind her)....my H's exOW mother (IYKWIM ) thinks that I am the lunatic deranged stalker and her daughter is somehow the pure innocent led astray (she isn't I have seen some of her disgusting texts and sat there while H phone rang 50x in an hour) - it will make you look desperate and mad - my advice is concentrate on yourself and your DC - the best revenge is a life lived well And the one thing which will make him realise what he stands to lose.....
I regret some of the "fighting" things I did - I think it made her all the more desperate not to "lose" to me

'Fighting' rarely works anyway. If you (generic you) manage to see off the other partner and bully, intimidate or emotionally blackmail your partner into 'coming back' he/she will usually be off again within 6 months or so.
THis is not to say that a relationship can#t continue after an affair, but it's easier to do so if the cheated-on partner manages to stay calm or at least act calm (and vent in private): also much better for your own self respect to act as though it's no big deal and you can manage just fine without your XP if he/she chooses to leave.

Do not approach the OWs parents- they don't deserve this- she is an adult and they are NOT responsible for her behaviour- pretending they are is just plain silly. What if they are ill-or the news made them ill- how would you feel then?

I know i t is easy to give advice, but you need to get angry and toughen up.

If you can begin by not expecting your H to come back, and start to make a life for yourself, it will help.

STOP PROTECTING HIM FROM HIS ACTIONS!! tell people what is happening. Be brave. be strong. See him when YOU are ready to talk- and talk you must as 3 kids are in the middle of all of this. Do not allow him to toy with you- insist he either comes home to stay or he goes to his OW. I'd give him 48 hours to decide.

You are being too accommodating. In every sense of the word.

i have thought about this over my lunch, after reading all the previous posts and have come up with this, fwiw

i would go and see OW, i would explain that as the marriage is now over and she will become a 'significant person' in my dcs life that you felt she should have 'a little help'and that for the benefit of all you would like to be civil and be happy in the knowledge that she is comfy looking after her soon to be step children ie.give her a long and exhaustive handbook re the dcs foibles, you know the sort of thing, hte fact that one wont eat meat of ANY kind, that one HAS to sleep in the marital bed, one is ALWAYS sick on car journeys, one has trouble with needing a poo at inconvienent moments. i would point out that you expect their father to carry on taking the dcs away for 2 weeks during school summer holidays and remind her of easter and half term holidays when they will want to see daddy , that you felt they should see him at least twice a week during term time, that you would expect their father to pay school fees, as he has previously promised - if he says he didnt ever mention private school, just remind her what a jolly good liar he is!

point out that you will not expect much more than half his salary, because, of course, you will be getting quite a large proportion of his pension!!!

do all this while dressed like a million dollars, then with a wave for your beautifully manicured hand, tell her you must dash off, as you are meeting friends in the lovley new wine bar in town!!!!!

frankly, i reckon you won't see her for dust!

Jeusu*- oh no.

Seeing the other woman is not the answer. it gives her more importance than she is worth if you follow that.

Who says she would see the OP anyway! I wouldn't if I was her.

No, that's game playing. Childish.

Sorry to disagree but it's just not practical and won't guarantee the outcome the OP wants.

jesus ps- I trust you wrote all of that tongue in cheek just incase I was being a bit thick with my previous post?

I think you are being dishonest in claiming that you want to stay with him for the sake of your family. This is a terrible situation, no wonder the kids don't ask questions - they see you behaving like a doormat and they do so too. What is this teaching them about love/relationships? You are also being dishonest in projecting your anger towards the OW. HE is the guilty one here, and I suspect that really this anger/frustration is with yourself. Sorry to be so harsh. I have been in this situation, gave my DH a second chance, and of course he did it again, as yours will. Your behaviour is encouraging him to disrespect you. A very good friend told me at the time of my own anguish that her own parents had stayed together for the sake of the kids and that she wished they hadn't. The best thing you can do is respect yourself. Don't accept what you don't want -a second-rate relationship with no trust and on his terms. You can't go through life without love and you need to make the break. Good luck, it is an awful time but WILL get better.

gnd - you are probs right, i'm such a 'knee jerk' person though i think it could be a goer if op has same kind of temprement - fwiw though i do often wish i thought things through more fully before acting

(got several ex dhs btw,

my next 'knee jerk' would connect with his bollocks!!

Message withdrawn

Jesuswhatnext, loved your post.

I think if you are saying you will stay for the sake of the children then it is a bit unfair really.

Of course the children are part of it and do hold some weight but if he said 'ok i'll stay for the sake of the children' how would you feel then?

My knee jerk reation was 'you are not leaving me and the children' so i was straight into fight mode. Then as time passes you have to take the time to find out what you really want from all this.

We are working through it and i have to say one of my worries is that he only came back for the children. He has proved so many times that is not the case to make me feel better.

The thing you need is to get some respect for yourself, give yourself boundaries that you are worth so much more that NO-ONE whoever they are will not cross them. But i do know how hard it is to do that for yourself in the first place.

Anyway good luck and know that you are worth so much more than what you putting up with now.

I also think it's an unfair burden to place on your dcs. In effect, you may be making them responsible for you having a dreadful life - putting up with a constantly cheating husband for their sakes. As a child, I would not have wanted to be responsible for condemning my mother to that sort of existence.

I have to say I agree with Lidl, my parents stayed together for the children and I really wished they hadnt at the time....years of hushed shouting in the living room when we had gone to bed, it is just so insulting to a childs intelligence and such a burden to expect them to carry.

The only reason to stay together is because you love each other and are BOTH going to make the effort to improve the relationship and if he is committed to ending it with the other woman and treating the his wife with the respect she deserves in future.

My parents are still together and get on great now but, although I am happily married, as a result of the acrimony, sacrifice for the children and spitefulness I tend to keep people at arms length and knock myself out trying to be the perfect parent.