And the affair goes on!!!!!

[cantmoveon]

Very long story. My husband of 18 years has been having an affair for 18months. I found out 10 months ago.

I was obviously devastated but wanted to make our marriage work. I believed he did too. i was so stupid I didn't think he would leave me. After a couple of weeks I let him go off with friends. But he went instead to her.

He seemed to be in a complete mess. I felt sad for him and thought I could help him. I didn't believe the intelligent man I had married really wanted this other woman and to leave me and our 3 beautiful, happy, innocent daughters.

After about 3 weeks of me finding out he said he couldn't give her up and we must tell the children. I pleaded for him not to tell them but he did and I tried to be strong for them. He then left. Within a few hours he was back. The children were so so upset with him. It was completely heartbreaking. He stayed the night then said he couldn't do it.

He had to go to tell superslag that he couldn't do it.

Anyway 10 months on he has continually lied to me and cannot give this manipulative selfish piece of trash up.

The problem is I can't give up. He says he loves me and I genuinally believe he does. We have talked and talked and talked like we have never talked before. We seem to have resolved issues we may have had. (they really were not very serious at all)

The OW has such a hold over him. Not long after he had tried to leave he said he was off again. I said to him to go and be with her but we wouldn't tell the children until he was sure he wanted to leave for good. Well it didn't last long = he said he didn't want to be with her. I thought it was over between them.

I have tried everything. I've told him to leave but he won't. He says he loves me but can't give her up. He just needs to see her sometimes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a wreck. I have hidden this from everyone. I wanted him to be able to be part of my family again without all this shit getting in the way. Even the children don't know.

I know this is very very wrong and he should have been kicked out a long time ago but I CAN'T hurt the children. They were so sad it was unbearable. I still think we could get over this. But I am being destroyed. The trouble is I don't care. I just don't want to hurt the children.

I know you will think I am crazy to have put up with this and I agree I am.

Just needed to let it out. I can't keep this terrible hurt inside.

I'm so sorry for everyone else who is going through similar or worse times. You sound so much stronger than me. On the outside I am strong but inside I am so scared of the future.

Sorry I wanst very clear. The man was in his late fifties, he had been married since he was in his twenties. He had an affair with my friend for 5 years, after 3 years she wanted him to leave his wife, and he agonized for 2 years about this until my friend left him. He never divorced his wife.

oops you dont need to apologise that was your opinion and fwiw i can see your point. op -god i feel for you - read most of the responses and the best by far is gnd. councelling for you is the key - you need to accept that as hard as it is she isnt making him do anything - he is choosing it - you need to focus on you and your daughters. you cant change him, you can change you. what can you do to make this easier for him to bear. i get that your fighting for him but by slating the ow and trying to be perfect its more like fighting over him. you have to be more then that and your girls certainly are. fight for you and them and let him make his own mind up. you may well surprise yourself with how you feel about things.

Oh bum just wrote a long message but hadn't logged in.

thanks prettyfly I do need to focus on myself and the children. I don't really slate the other woman. I think I just felt I should when writing it down.

I actually think she sounds quite good for him. It's just he has a family already and shouldn't have done this to us.

Quest - you're right I will be ill. I've been going through this for over a year now ( I was suspicious for a while before I found out the truth)

test

Have never posted before on here and dont particularly want a slating , but your story is very simialar to my own, except that it was i who was having the affair and my husband begging me to stop.Dont want to go into it too much here , but just wanted to say that this is NOT about you , its all about him and that he will carry on for as long as you let him , effectiveley he is banking on the fact that you are concerned for your children,,i did this too im ashamed to say.Am waffling but wanted to reply because your husband is saying and doing all the things i did, bitterley regret it now

Im so sorry, but you have no choice, he is being selfish, hurtful in the worst way.

It will eventually happen, he will leave, and maybe comeback, then leave again.

I am the child of a man, who had countless affairs, I didnt know about them, really didnt register, dad came and went, got another woman pregnant at the same time my mum was pregnant with my brother, 5 mnths apart!

My mum tried because she loved him, only ever loved him, worshiped him, gave up her career for him, but he showed her nothing but hurt, in the end after 5 years of this he left, I remember her crying ringing around to find out where he was, she knew but wouldnt accept it.

I love my mum, for all the things she has done for me, but also because she loved us enough to know, that he had to go, she was a wreck, we just watched our mum fall down and get back up again.

He came back, and I was listening (late at night at the top of the stairs) when she told him, to go, no tears no crying, just "go"

You have to know that although you think your girls are better off with their dad there, they will be better off to know mum didnt want this for herself, she wouldnt take it anymore, show your girls that when somebody loves you, they truly love you, this isnt love, its hurt.

Want for yourself what you want for your children, a better life. cc

Brave post, certifiedcopy. Hope all is well with you now.

Squeaver, are you cross with me? I wasn't saying it was a great excuse, let's all use it. I was saying it was a shit excuse and no defence at all.

Thanks Constance,expected a dreadfull slating. Another poster said that once its all out in the open he,ll wake up from this ridiculous fantasy. I would agree with that as thats how it was for me. Once husband moved out and divorce papers arrived it stopped being love affair of the year and became a shameful sordid horrible thing. Previously id banked on my husbands concerns for the children, and horribly, his own embarasment to keep him quiet.Sounds terrible and it was. Looking back i cant beleive how manipulative and selfish i was.All i can say is let him feel the consequences , chances are it will end very quickly. This probably wasnt the best subject to post on but i recognise myself in this and my poor husband who cried constantly for months .

I disagree certifiedcopy - I think it is very brave and kind of you to post actually. It will hopefully help the OP see that there is something she can do to change the situation she finds herself. That sense of utter powerlessness is shattering when your partner is having an affair

God no, Constance! I was agreeing with you. But I can see that you might have thought I was cross with you - apols.

[smoothes troubled water emoticon]

Certifiedcopy - great perspective. Well done for being so brave to post it.

Thanks spicemonster.My husband also wanted to go to counselling, but i refused as obviously i did not want to have to explain myself and have someone tell me that i was behaving badly, which of course i knew i was.We would visit his parents and our freinds and act like everything was fine.I manipulated my husband into not telling anyone ,i knew he was embaresed about what peaple would say and exploited this.During this time he had no support whatsoever and it was the best part of a year im ashamed to say.
Eventually husband went to counselling alone and then took the decision to move out which i dont blame him for one bit. I even made similar comments to your husband " i just want to see him occasionally ".Sounds quite hard faced as im typing this and like im not bothered, which i am, very much so. Would stress this was nothing to do with my husband and family and its nothing to do with you either. Have various thoughts about why i behaved like i did, was very much out of charecter for me, but all those thoughts are about me , not my husband. There was nothing that he did or didnt do that caused me to do it. Same for you.

cantmoveon, I've been where you are and know the agony and despair of it.
5years ago my dh had an affair with a work colleague.....completely out of the blue...nothing much wrong with "us", a 20 year relatinship and 3 fantastic kids...then suddenly a year of agony!
Like you I was not prepared to give up on us even though he certainly deserved it but I weighed up what we'd had in all the years before and followed that little voice inside that was telling me my dh did not really want her instead of us but recogised he'd "lost the plot" dug deep inside myself and got us through it.....agony doesn't begin to describe it but we are still together and I can honestly say now we are closer and stronger having survived this trauma together.
My dh behaved appaulingly, 1stly in making the choices that lead to a full scale affair but even worse in how he acted when I found out.....it took the best part of a year for HER to be totally out of our lives. This was in part because he was so weak and couldn't end it and also because she became needy, weak and feeble and tried every emotional trick in the book to try to keep him when he eventually started to come to his senses!

The things I learned about affairs include the fact that they are about fantasy, escapism and not always escape from the current relationship.....there was not an awful lot wrong in our relationship....the escapism came from within my dh. Call it a midlife crisis if you like...he completely lost the power of rational thinking and it was only when reality hit hard.....when it was all out in the open, friends family etc knew did he actually wake up and realise just what an idiot he was being and (in his words)how he "nearly lost so much for so little"
The boost and affair gives a man when certain things within them are not right is so powerful they do lose the ability to reason and put "lids on boxes" by that I mean they can operate in different areas of their lives as if it were a box when the lid goes on they move onto the next box and behave differently etc etc.

In my situation I saw a cousellor to help me see past the rollercoaster of emotions, many destructive, that you go through and to help me see what I wanted. I wanted to fight for us and found I was strong, so much stronger than him...and her it turns out!
He eventually woke up put himself into counselling and sorted his head out....once he'd strated to explore and to a certain extent understand why he'd let himself go down that road then he was able to start seeing what he nearly lost.

I have to say he did it just in time I had reached a point where I was about to call it a day.....where I thought there's nothing more I can do to help you see the reality of what's going on....and I was at the point where I was not prepared to put up with HER in our lives at all in any way shape or form!

For me it helped to go see her.....in fact I saw her, her dh her parents in the end...for me it was about injecting reality into the situation and taking control.It's 1 thing having an affair witha man knowing he's married with 3 kids "out there somewhere" it's very different when the wife is sitting across a table from you being civil but firm and direct telling you about her life, her children and her dh.
It freaked her out when I started getting into her life, for me it gave me strength and control and let her see she wasn't dealing with some monster or pathetic wife at home!
Eventually he completely shut her out of our life and worked with me to keep it that way.

Honey only you know what your limit is and no one has the rught to judge what you choice to put up with or not....but all I would say is that while she's still in your life it's like a cancer, slowly eating away at you and at any chance of recovering, healing as a couple and regaining trust.It also consumes you, you lose yourself under the weight of all the emotions. I truely believe couples can recover from such an awful thing but only once the third person is COMPLETELY out of your lives and then through lots and lots of painful open and honest talking where every aspect of what has happened is brought out in the open, made some sense of then move on a tiny bit more.
My dh looks back now and cannot recognise the person he was when the affair was going on he's ashamed and bewildered by what he did and how much pain he caused me and the children. He also says that he knowsw we are still together because I was strong when he was being so weak and I was prepared to fight for what I knew we had.....the reality...not the glow of a fantasy relationship that cannot survive the real world.

It is not an easy option tp stand and fight but it is your choice and only you know if what you had before this awful time is worth fighting for.
take care of yourself in all this.

wow, great post < wipes tear from eye >

Maturer, so glad you and dh managed to work through this. Great post.

Excellent posts, Maturer and CertifiedCopy. It's so useful to get both perspectives, and incredibly good to know that these things can be worked through. It gives you hope.

Thank you Maturer Your post has made me cry. I am strong too but I'm starting to break. I can't keep being strong.I am glad you managed to save your marriage. I will keep reading what you have written and try to see what I can learn from your experience. No-one knows what is happening to me. I talked to a friend for a while but her mum was recently diagnosed with cancer so I can't tell her anymore. I also feel embarrased to admit to what is STILL going on. I feel that he would probably change (I hope he would) if his secret is let out. I have thought about seeing her parents too. Just a thought but I would like them to know what effect their daughters behaviour is having on me. It's funny really because her mother is a counsellor and has supported her through lots of this (apparently) My OH doesn't have any family he cares about. His parents are both dead and he fell out with his siblings. I feel this hasn't helped. He would have been ashamed if his parents were alive.

Sometimes I nearly tell the children. I have been snappy to them today. We have had another rubbish summer holiday. Last year was the same as I was suspicious about his behaviour.

He is not here at the moment. He is with her. He said he would be back Sunday. He rang earlier and I told him I can't do this. I said I have tried and he has shown me no respect. He said he would be home and we could talk. I told him there was nothing left to talk about anymore. He said he could change! I'm not sure if that's why he didn't come back or not. I am not going to ring or text. I AM NOT!!!!

CertifiedCopy - it was really helpful to read your post. It helps me to understand his manipulative ways. I am not going to let this happen anymore. It was brave of you to post and thank you.

I am going to destroy their fantasy world. This is not a love affair - it is a seedy relationship that will destroy everyone involved.

Another dilemma. Just before I found out that he was back with her again we booked a family holiday. We are supposed to go on Saturday. I suppose I will just go with the girls. I can do that. I'm used to doing every bloody thing on my own. The only thing is if the children know the truth they will have a rubbish holiday.

Just to blabber on a bit more. I told him before the start of the school summer holiday that if it wasn't really over with her he should be honest. We could then tell the children and have 7 weeks for them to start adjusting before they had to go back to school. He obviously lied AGAIN.

My H lied to me for 6 months after I found out - he begged me to put my wedding ring on and put his back on - ...and then got her pregnant (well he did obviously but she planned it in desperation)
Her baby is now just over a year, we have lived seperately for 18 months ..but he still thinks we can get back together ...he killed every last ounce of trust I had not by the affair but by the way he behaved afterwards...
I did see her a few times...she didn't care a jot about my family ...and just turned and twisted everything I said so I looked like the mad bad stalker not her
TBH I would stay away from her - she obviously doesn't care about you or your children or have an iota of human decency or morality
It does get better and one day you will move on!

What a mess cantmoveon!

You must be amazingly strong to put up with him going to stay with ow and then returning when he feels like it. I really dont think I could do that.

No matter what you think, this isn't the best situation for the dc and your h is being completely selfish crrying on like he is and stopping you from moving on and getting support.

I would contact ow's parents. They should know what is happening so that their little bubble bursts and reality will start to creep in.

I had same conversation with my h as you stated in your last sentence. I thought it would force the issue. As I couldn't get him to agree to stop contacting ow, I said that we needed to make a decision and tell the dc we were separating, during summer hols, to give them time to get used to it.

Well, the dc return to school tomorrow (in Scotland) and I dont feel any further forward. He has told ow that they shouldn't contact each other again but he has said that before. He is still very distant and I feel he is here because that is what he has to do and not what he wants to do.

Tbh, next time he goes to stay with OW, I would change the locks and get his clothes sent round to hers in a taxi. You may not have the legal right to change the locks, but you certainly have the moral right and he'd need to get a court order to force you to change them back - do you honestly think he's going to turn up in court and say "Your honour, I think my wife's out of order. I just went to stay with my mistress again and she changed the bloody locks! I ask you!"

Cantmoveon, im quite confident that once reality hits he will stop very quickly.Think about how much their relationship will change once your H is away from his family .He will blame her in some ways and this fantasy will end.He'll be going round there stressed and upset and she wont be able to contain her pleasure.
Once things became real here i had no interest to see OM ever and i began to see him for who he really was , he had no thought for me or my children. Strangeley enough his own wife had an affair which led to their divorce. Your husband is probably going round there to " chill " and escape from the real world of responsiblitys .
My husband always thought i was in bed with him, but in reality i spent most of my time , relaxing and being pampered and fussed.
My husband like you, was reluctant to give up on our marriage saying i had quite clearly gone mad, which i had in some ways.He used to say he didnt recognise me.( i didnt recognise myself )
Perhaps seek counselling alone if necessary and if you feel brave enough seperate for a while.
My husband was reluctant to seperate as he feared that once he was out of the picture i would end up with OM full time. Thats the opposite of what happened.

OM was the last thing on my mind and any invitations to spend time drove home how ridiculous it was that he thought that in the middle of all this id be interested in spending time dossing and messing about. Also he was secretly pleased and that definateley did it.
Your husband probably isnt a bad person and still loves you , hes foolishly got himself caught up in something and has lost touch with reality.
My husband compared me to a drug user who kept going back for a "fix ". He also felt angry that he would work all day then be stuck with the children all night while i went off galivanting. It probably looked like i was having a great time but in truth i had never been more miserable in my life.
Throughout that year i avoided my freinds and my family ( shame ) and at one point i seriously considered suicide, i bought dozens of cards for the children, ie 21st ect and wrote them all out so theyd always have a card for their birthdays ect. Was a close call.
We are still living apart but we spend time together and id like to think that one day we could sort things out. It doesnt have to be the end, and i am sorry you are going through this.

cantmoveon,
You have been a strong compassinate person trying to understand what he's doing to you and trying to find a way through it together. NEVER be shamed of your behaviour you have done nothing wrong all you are doing is putting your hurt and anger aside for now whilst you try to be strong for your family there is no shame in fighting for your marriage.

Your dh like mine and like so many others is behaving appaulingly, he's weak and selfish and this can't go on like this. I know you want to do everything to try to keep your family together as did I but I like you reached apoint where enough is enough I got tired of fighting for us, tired of crying and living under this cloud like a huge shadow in your life. It's like your living in a soap opera...some how not real but as you know very real...and yet you still have to carry on with day to day things...you become a zombie on auto piolt half the time and when you get a moment to youself where is't safe you crumble and break your heart. You cannot keep that up it drains you so much.

I did reach the point where I thought "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" I showed my dh how I was there for him , what he was about to throw away but HE had to chose. He cannot have it both ways that's not what you signed up for when you got married. I strongly think in your situation the secrecay is fuelling his choice to be with her...the fantasy still exists reality has not truely hit.

My dh didn't want me to tell any one but THAT was not his decision to make and I needed support of family and friends. As soon as it was fully in the open the bubble was burst and really he started to see his relationship with her for what it really was...deceiptfull, sordid not real!

I urge you to see a counsellor for yourself this will destroy you if you try to keep it all to yourself. I found it let me safely vent all my emotions the destructive ones too and I was then able to make decisions more clearly.

You deserve better than this.....you've done all you can to stand by your marriage you have nothing to reproach yourself about. I suspect from what you've said that your dh needs a sharp dose of reality which means you getting tough. That was my only regret that I didn't get tougher sooner! I never said to him you have to chose me or her because I wanted that to come from him but I did get to the point where I said I'm not prepared to live like this any more, I deserve none of this nor do my children....you can#t carry on family life on a lie it eats away at all of you.

It also changed things when I started making the decisions, taking control. For months he'd been making the choices without me knowing then he realised the choices weren't his to make....I had a say. the thing is I do understand how you feel about him and others see it black and white...thosse who say if they cheat they are out! but they are not living this you are... you see the man you've spent most of your life with, your lover, your friend, your soulmate,losing the plot big time and tortured.....I know he deserves no sympathy but I could recognise all through the affair time my dh was tortured he certainly was not happy (I console myself with that now that she never really gave him peace of mind....yes he fell for the sex and the huge ego boost of an admirer but he never felt comfortable with her not truely!)So you put your pain aside for now and you fight to keep your family!

We had to reach crisis point before we turned a corner and he eventually woke up and got her out of our lives it sounds as though your dh hasn't met that crisis yet, he hasn't yet realised just what he is throwing away and this is killing you inside.Remember you can take control, you can start making choices you do not have to wait forever for him to wake up becsuse whilst this continues you know (as your name says) you can't move on with your life.

Be proud of yourself honey you've fought for your marriage and your family just be aware there is probably a point where you cannot do any more it's over to him! Take care of yourself in all this please find someone to talk to for you.

can'tmoveon, there's such a lot of great advice on here to help you decide what to do, and I haven't had this experience as such so I won't add to it much. But I just want to say that when I have been two-timed/left for an OW in the past (pre-kids thankfully) I have felt a great need to blame and despise the OW, even when I rationally knew my boyfriend was more to blame. It was many years ago now but I will always remember how a friend supported me by basically coming round, drinking wine with me and having a good old bitching session about the OW - not once but many times. She even had a very cruel nickname for her that made me laugh. Shallow and unsisterly, yes but my god it helped me, it was what I needed to do. This situation has so many ins and outs and is complex and of course it's not any kind of solution, but if you want to vilify the OW in your head, I think you should, and don't feel bad about it. And if you can find a RL friend to let it all out to who will do what my friend di and join you in that, I can tell you it makes you feel loads better.

Wishing you lots of good luck with it all.

Just wanted to add that i wouldnt bother going to see her, will only add to their drama " us against the world ".Maybe insist he moves out whether he likes it or not , and if hes adamant he wont, getting legal advice should bring him back to reality.
Dont feel bad about this , he needs to feel the consequences before he will stop.Think of him as a stroppy teenager , which is what he probably is at the minuite.
Im actually glad my husband moved out in some ways ,i wouldnt like to think id still be caught up in it, but who knows.
I dont want to sound like i had no control over myself at that time, neither do i want to make excuses and im aware that thats how it could sound, thats not the case and i bitterley regret every minuite of it.

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