And the affair goes on!!!!!

[cantmoveon]

Very long story. My husband of 18 years has been having an affair for 18months. I found out 10 months ago.

I was obviously devastated but wanted to make our marriage work. I believed he did too. i was so stupid I didn't think he would leave me. After a couple of weeks I let him go off with friends. But he went instead to her.

He seemed to be in a complete mess. I felt sad for him and thought I could help him. I didn't believe the intelligent man I had married really wanted this other woman and to leave me and our 3 beautiful, happy, innocent daughters.

After about 3 weeks of me finding out he said he couldn't give her up and we must tell the children. I pleaded for him not to tell them but he did and I tried to be strong for them. He then left. Within a few hours he was back. The children were so so upset with him. It was completely heartbreaking. He stayed the night then said he couldn't do it.

He had to go to tell superslag that he couldn't do it.

Anyway 10 months on he has continually lied to me and cannot give this manipulative selfish piece of trash up.

The problem is I can't give up. He says he loves me and I genuinally believe he does. We have talked and talked and talked like we have never talked before. We seem to have resolved issues we may have had. (they really were not very serious at all)

The OW has such a hold over him. Not long after he had tried to leave he said he was off again. I said to him to go and be with her but we wouldn't tell the children until he was sure he wanted to leave for good. Well it didn't last long = he said he didn't want to be with her. I thought it was over between them.

I have tried everything. I've told him to leave but he won't. He says he loves me but can't give her up. He just needs to see her sometimes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a wreck. I have hidden this from everyone. I wanted him to be able to be part of my family again without all this shit getting in the way. Even the children don't know.

I know this is very very wrong and he should have been kicked out a long time ago but I CAN'T hurt the children. They were so sad it was unbearable. I still think we could get over this. But I am being destroyed. The trouble is I don't care. I just don't want to hurt the children.

I know you will think I am crazy to have put up with this and I agree I am.

Just needed to let it out. I can't keep this terrible hurt inside.

I'm so sorry for everyone else who is going through similar or worse times. You sound so much stronger than me. On the outside I am strong but inside I am so scared of the future.

Constance. Seven affairs OMG. Youll be the one nerves of steel. Thats if you have any left.

I have handles the situation very differently than i thought i would. I have been very understanding which still surprises me now as im such a reactive person.

I can understand what Cm means by wanting to see the OW as i've had to really contain myself as i do see her often but we pretend we dont know each other. I dont want to give her the satisfaction of me turning into a emotional wreck or a screaming fish wife

Don't know how to do links, but if you listen to Weekend Woman's Hour on Radio 4 today- you will have to use Listen Again- there is a long discussion with agony aunts and otehrs on AFFAIRS. very interesting to hear accounts from many others including the OW, the OM, wives and so on.

I'm back. Took the dc swimming. Feel better about myself. Also he's not here and I feel stronger when he's not around.

We do need to go to counselling. We went once in the early days and he said then he couldn't give her up. The counsellor just said that in that case there was nothing she could do.

He is different now. He says he doesn't want to leave me. We seemed to be doing better than ever for about 6 weeks. I don't think he saw her in that time but I can't be sure. However in the last few days I could see he was building up to sneaking back to her and I managed to get the mobile itemised bill. It was then I knew he had never stopped talking to her.

I told him there was no point anymore. How can I keep on trying when he just continues to lie to me. He was quite shaken and admitted he wanted to see her again.

I will arrange to go to a counsellor with him. He will go i'm sure.

I know the OW is not to blame but I'm sorry I would never knowingly have an affair with a married man. In my mind the kind of woman that would do that is not a decent woman. I am not trying to defend OH he is definately worse. He saw his childrens reactions to his desire to move on to another life. He says that was the worst day of his life. I'm sure it was the worst day of all our lives and we have had some sad times in both our families.

I feel we are so much closer now than we were at the beginning and I don't regret trying my hardest to save our marriage. I won't feel shame if we split. At least I will know I tried my best. At the beginning I felt I hadn't always told him how I felt. How much I loved and respected him. He also had not really shown his appreciation of me. We were both to blame for not trying hard enough in our marriage. Unfortunately he bumped into a woman who apparently is very good at the compliments.

I just wish he would realise that would most probably not last.

Stirlingmum - he says he will never leave me? He seems to want to be with me he just can't promise he won't go back to see her.

Girlnextdoor - thanks I shall listen to R4 now.

Thank you every one for caring.

Sounds to me like he is still trying to control your life without actually being in it. You need to stop listening to his lies. He is with dsomeone else but he is dangling you on a string. Cut the string, stop him from doing this to you. It must be heartbreaking for you ut you can be happy without him it just takes time.

Good luck with the counselling.

Your other comment- he wants you, but can't promise he will never see her- well, unless you are prepared to put up with that, he has to make a choice.

However, HE needs to analyse- with counselling- what it is that he gets from seeing her that he is not getting in his marriage.

Both the speakers on the programme today (Weekend Woman's Hour) - and including one whose DH had had an affair,( think she was a counsellor) said that both partners share the responsibility for the affairs. The blame is not just with the one who strays ( waits for shrieks from MNs- not MY words Mns!!)

They also made the point- again, which I have at times!- that it is only relatively recently that monogamy has become part of marriage.

when you listen tot he radio 4 prog you will find Jane Clark's comments interesting- I have quoted her here before.

I am glad you are feeling stronger.

I think we both share the blame for not
trying harder to ensure our marriage was strong but the affair that is most definately HIS fault.

Completely agree that the affair is HIS fault - one of the most insidious cliches ever is that it takes two to make a marriage fail, it doesn't: one selfish person is all it needs. Never blame yourself or waste any time worrying about what you could have done differently.

I haven't read all the posts, so I apologise if I am repreating what others have said. You are incredibly strong and don't ever think otherwise. You are fighting for your family and for your marriage, which takes tremendous courage.

I am in a similar position, and one thing that has helped me cope is to keep reminding myself that it is MY choice to keep the door open for my H to come home, and ultimately it is in my control to shut that door if I choose to do so. It stopped me feeling that my whole future depended on the decision that my H might make, and gave me some control back. The choice isn't between you and her (and do try not to think about her - very difficult, I know) but whether he wants to end the relationship with you.

If you can, do encourage him to go to counselling - I know it has helped my H to see that his relationship with OW is nothing to do with her, but with his own insecurities (which I won't bore you with!)

Good luck.

GND - I definitely agree that both partners are to blame when an affair happens BUT I dont believe they are equally to blame (well, not always).

I did blame myself when I found out about h's affair. I hated myself for the weight I had put on post babies, I was so sorry for not spending more quality time with h and telling him how much I loved him.

But then I realised that those are just things that happen in a busy marriage when h works away mon to fri. Apart from not noticing the danger signals, I dont really feel to blame now. H has a tongue in his head and could have easily told me he was unhappy. But starting a new relationship with a 29 yr old was easier.

Every affair has a different story.

I was not to blame. I'm lovely, he's a git.

Really, why do people find that so hard to believe?

If you do want to confront OW then go for it - I did, and though it didn't change anything, it made me feel so much better! I didn't scream or call her names, but just let her know how hurt and angry I was. She couldn't even look at me.

But, as I said, it didn't change a thing, so don't necessarily expect it to put her off. Though, in my case, she knew me anyway (she was our childminder, and is a member of our extended family). Still, the sort of woman who has an affair with a man whose wife has just had a baby (DD2 was three weeks old when affiar started)doesn't have much in the way of morals and probably isn't going to be put off easily...

'He saw his childrens reactions to his desire to move on to another life.'

Jeez, I wish that could be seared onto brain of every cheating fucker.

I hope you all have the chance to listen to the prog- it was interesting and,as I said, the idea that both parties share the responsibility ( not blame!!) was discussed by the speakers, including Anna Rayburn and a counsellor.

I listened. I might be wrong but didn't they mean that both partners share responsibility for the marriage. I don't think you can share the responsibility for them having an affair. (although I sometimes do)

I could have had an affair but it didn't enter my head. I'm married and marriage means something to me.

It was an interesting prog though. Alan Clarke's wife was very tolerant of OH affair. She said he loved her but he needed to be admired by lots of women. Or something like that.

It certainly takes all sorts. Thanks for that GND

you could be right- I was listening amidst noise!

I know you say you're not the sort to have an affair but how about letting him think that maybe you could be tempted?

Go on a couple of dates. Flirt with men. Have nights out with your girlfriends where you make you sure you look ultra fab. Buy some sexy new undies and disappear out for mysterious lunches and be very vague about where you're going, stay out all afternoon - in the library if you want, but he won't know that.

Let him wonder what the hell you're up to. Let him start to panic at the thought of losing you. Let him realise that you would be fine without him and could easily move on.

Do you think that would have an effect?

'He loved her, but he needed to be admired by lots of women'. OMG, I'm spitting feathers here.

Is there a person in the world who wouldn't use that bullsh*t excuse, if they thought they could get away with it?

Yes Constance, I love my dh but would LOVE to be admired by lots of men. I could even say I NEED it! But I don't do anything about it. FFS.

My H's great "excuse" is that his fear of rejection menas that he always has to have someone else who adores hime so (a) he can never be rejected as there is always someone else on standby and (b) he is always centre of attention. Therefore, when baby no 2 arrived, it was clearly time for him to move on... Yes, I married this tosser

]

Can'tmoveon - am so sorry you're in this situation . Not sure I can/want to advise what to do, but just for what it's worth: I don't know how old your DC are, but my parents split up when I was in my early teens. From when they first told us till we all actually moved house (I lived with my mum) it took 2 years. During that time I knew my mum was having an affair - this was the reason for the break-up. She never told us openly and it was all unsaid, but we all knew. It was horrible. The best thing was when my parents actually physically separated, mainly as my dad was no longer under such strain. I bitterly resented my mum for a long time, but was relieved that when we finally moved she was no longer putting my dad in such an awful, belittling position - he could move on, and he was so much happier.

The point of my long ramble is that if your only reason for staying with your husband is because of the kids, this might be counter-productive. They'll be happier with a happier mum, not one who they see every day as unhappy, unconfident, belittled and destroyed. Only you can know whether you'll be happier if you leave him or if you stay, but if your kids are old enough to pick up on the atmosphere in the house and can see that you're unhappy, please don't use them as the reason for staying as you may all end up unhappy.

I really hope you can find an answer to this, and am so sorry for your position.

I agree with MP - at the moment, he has you where he wants you, the kids love him, the ow probably does too. You need to take back control. You hold pretty much all the cards you know. Why are you protecting him? Tell people. He doesn't deserve to have people thinking what a great guy he is when he's behaving like such a tosser. Give him terms. Are you prepared to go on like this? Long term? If not, what are you prepared to compromise on? Jane Clark forgave Alan because she treated him like he was a small child who couldn't resist the cake on the table. She also lived in in a castle and got a title out of him. Personally I don't think the benefits outweigh the repeated infidelities but we all have different attitudes as you said. And it sounds like you're rather less tolerant of infidelity than Jane Clark. And incidentally, she suffered horribly, don't think that she didn't (I've read his diaries).

Anyway, at the moment, the only person (it seems to me) who is suffering over all of this is you. And you have the power to change that.

Dont you think that he keeps saying he doesn't want to leave you simply because he wants to keep his cushy lifestyle? He really has the best of both worlds, because you let him. He doesnt have to give her up, because you seem to accept the affair, and has accepted her as his new sexual partner. But what about you? We hear so much about what he wants, but what about what YOU ultimately want? And how to go about getting that?

My friend had an affair with a married man 30 years her senior for more than 5 years! It ended because my friend told him she wanted marriage and kids. He agonized over whether to divorce his wife for over 2 yes 2 years. In the end, he decided he couldnt divorce her, what would his mum say? What would his employers say? What would his friends say? My friend broke up with him. He rang her in tears, begged her to come see him, just this once. He threatened to kill himself if my friend did not accept seing him without any commitment. She called his bluff and said "Sorry, wasted 5 years loving you, now my biological clock is ticking, and as you wont give me marriage and kids, I am off to find somebody who will." So, when he was given the boot, did he go back to wifey? Fuck now. He found a new young mistress.

Quest, he married the wife 3 years after the affair had began!!!!!

I have just re read your post quest, and now feel silly. what am I like.

Sorry but you will continue in this hell until you make a stand and knock him off his fence. At the moment, he has the best of both worlds, he is a cake eater.

If it were me I would have his bags packed and tell him to go to her because you are no longer going to put up with this s$£%.

Make a stand, before his selfishness makes you ill. Don't sway, be strong and show him that this is it, you are no longer to going to put up with his disrespect of you and you will be moving on with your life.

Believe, I've been there and they will drag it out to have the best of both worlds, whilst you g further and further into the bottomless pit.