And the affair goes on!!!!!

[cantmoveon]

Very long story. My husband of 18 years has been having an affair for 18months. I found out 10 months ago.

I was obviously devastated but wanted to make our marriage work. I believed he did too. i was so stupid I didn't think he would leave me. After a couple of weeks I let him go off with friends. But he went instead to her.

He seemed to be in a complete mess. I felt sad for him and thought I could help him. I didn't believe the intelligent man I had married really wanted this other woman and to leave me and our 3 beautiful, happy, innocent daughters.

After about 3 weeks of me finding out he said he couldn't give her up and we must tell the children. I pleaded for him not to tell them but he did and I tried to be strong for them. He then left. Within a few hours he was back. The children were so so upset with him. It was completely heartbreaking. He stayed the night then said he couldn't do it.

He had to go to tell superslag that he couldn't do it.

Anyway 10 months on he has continually lied to me and cannot give this manipulative selfish piece of trash up.

The problem is I can't give up. He says he loves me and I genuinally believe he does. We have talked and talked and talked like we have never talked before. We seem to have resolved issues we may have had. (they really were not very serious at all)

The OW has such a hold over him. Not long after he had tried to leave he said he was off again. I said to him to go and be with her but we wouldn't tell the children until he was sure he wanted to leave for good. Well it didn't last long = he said he didn't want to be with her. I thought it was over between them.

I have tried everything. I've told him to leave but he won't. He says he loves me but can't give her up. He just needs to see her sometimes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a wreck. I have hidden this from everyone. I wanted him to be able to be part of my family again without all this shit getting in the way. Even the children don't know.

I know this is very very wrong and he should have been kicked out a long time ago but I CAN'T hurt the children. They were so sad it was unbearable. I still think we could get over this. But I am being destroyed. The trouble is I don't care. I just don't want to hurt the children.

I know you will think I am crazy to have put up with this and I agree I am.

Just needed to let it out. I can't keep this terrible hurt inside.

I'm so sorry for everyone else who is going through similar or worse times. You sound so much stronger than me. On the outside I am strong but inside I am so scared of the future.

Oops, sometimes it works, so it wasn't a bad thing to say. I really couldn't do it myself though. I know I'd end up a jellified mess of screaming volume. Not dignified

I think they do deserve to be confronted by the wife. Why not? But only if said wife has balls of steel, as you say. Otherwise she makes herself feel even more stupid. It just depends on her basic character, I suppose. I certainly respect anyone who was strong enough to do that, without killing her!!

My mother let my father stay with us while he made up his mind whether he wanted to be with my mother or his mistress. After a year of pain, he left once and for all to be with the OW. He married her, had a child with her, then left her. My brother and I lived in that twilight of not knowing what was going to happen next and it has scarred us both.

Your DH has made his choice - he wants you both. Make yours - you want him as a husband, which he's not currently offering. Until he can offer you what you want, don't accept anything less. Everyone is losing here - you, him, the girls. If he wants you, he'll come back, but make him work for you, make him WANT you. You're not a 'safe' choice. And once the very attractive, addictive drama and angst has been eliminated from his relationship with that selfish OW, it won't look like so much fun. Get in the driving seat, and hold out for the relationship YOU want, not the pathetic dregs he's tossing your way. You deserve more - and your marriage depends on mutual respect, which it sounds there isn't much of right now.

Really, really hope this works out for you.

Forgot to say that my mother went to see the OW, and the OW's mother, who was mortified at her daughter's actions, but there was no swaying the OW, she wanted my dad, and she got him.

True, GND. There is no guarantee. My sister worked in a pub, and was observed all night by the wife, who did nothing to bring herself to DS's attention, (although clearly my sister noticed her, and wondered what she was doing out drinking on her own). Then she simply left an envelope on the bar fao my sister.

She's still haunted by it. Never gave the wife a thought until she clapped eyes on her actual person, though.

What an awful situation, at the bottom of it. I suppose it really depends what moral fibre your DH and the OW have, in the end

I definitely think with the ow, "out of sight, out of mind" is how they excuse their behaviour. Maybe a face to face meeting does sometimes work, but as Constance says, you would need balls of steel and remain dignified. I know, given the chance, I would do that, but my h's ow is in another country which makes it a bit difficult.

I strongly believe that getting things out in the open really helps them to face up to what they have done and may force a decision one way or the other. Even though that decision may be the ow, it will then allow you to get on with your life and stop living in this limbo-land (I know, it is the living in limbo that destroys you).

Carmenere's post is excellent.
Your situation is so awful, cantmoveon, and I have so much sympathy for you.

But I can't help feeling that until you stop seeing the OW as being totally to blame - she is a "manipulative selfish piece of trash", whilst your husband is conflicted, and incapable of saying no to her - that you will allow him to have his cake and eat it.

I so understand your desire to protect your children in all of this, but you are important too.

You say that you can't kick him out because it will hurt your children.

It is your husband that has made choices that will cause distress to your children. You are not responsible for his mistakes.

Your children need to see that you won't allow this man to treat you like this.

You are doing them no favours by swallowing your hurt and pretending that nothing is wrong.

I wish you the strength to cope with this, and to develop a life that does not allow this man to treat you this way.
x

you're all right. I can't let him just carry on. It's not good for me or the children. I do know that but as my name says i'm just struggling with what to do know. Up until a few days ago I believed that it was over at last. He has become a fantastic liar!!

girlnextdoor - The children knew about his affair. He told them. They knew he was going to leave. But he came back a few hours later and said he was staying. Of course it took them a while to get over the shock but they now believe it's all over and they seem back to their old selves.

I don't really care about her and I agree she probably is very nice. I don't think about her that much. Of course she is also to blame but I KNOW the person who is hurting me is my OH. He is doing this to me. I must say though that she is very persistant and will not give up.

Ooops - don't worry about your post. I wouldn't confront her. I have never really felt like doing that. It must have been hard for you to discover the ow in your nightshirt. How are you doing now?

Dior - yes I do still love him. I can't get it into my head that the man I know and love would do this. I think he is having a bloody great mid life crisis. (fast car, music festivals etc) I'll have a look at the Fab & Glam posts.

But this has feck all to do with the OW, whilst she might lack any moral fibre, no doubt she is being strung a load of lies too. Your h is being a twerp and he is treating you like shit, he would be getting nowhere near me unless he had bloody knees from begging forgiveness and agreed to councelling/therapy and never seeing ow again and even then it would only be a maybe.

Message withdrawn

Sorry crossed posts
BTW oops I am horrified that the new woman wore your night shirt I mean who on earth did she think it belonged too??

Carmenere - that's good. I suppose I have let this beat me down and I now need to build my confidence and do as you suggest.

Yes you do my dear because when you come out the other side of this you don't want to regret letting yourself down .

Also tell, tell, tell. the reason he doesn't want you to is because it makes his behaviour seem seedy, which it is. And it stops you getting real life support which makes you easier to manipulate. I suggest you change your name back to normal on here for a start.

This happened to me. Can I ask you how old your children are and if you work.
If the children go to school, get a job if you can that will give you independence.
I spent a yr while we had the house up for sale, working, looking after dd and cleaning. I didn't as such ignore dh, more we co-lived and co-parented whilst treating him like a human (I wanted to stab the bastard) I was Ms Nice, Ms Pleasant, Ms Do what the fuck you like. He got confused, how come I was cleaning his room (separate rooms/separate beds) doing his washing, cooking his dinners, but not after him for anything else. I loved him dearly but I wasn't prepared to be the other woman to his other woman, IYNWIM. After a yr, he asked if dd, dh and I could go away on holiday. It made a difference, we worked it out.
BUT I was very angry with him for a long time, the only way I could come to terms with this was counselling, because I had felt I had subjugated my self for my daughter.

cantmoveon- what do you think about counselling?

Could you give HIM one of these chices according to which YOU prefer:

1 Come to counselling with me- after 18 yrs it is the least you can do.
2 Go to counselling by yourself- to sort out your head.
3 Go and live with OW ( that may well force the issue as she might not be bargaining for that)
4 Move out anyway and find a place for yourself ( that is, your DH)
5 Agree to divorce but I will keep house etc etc and you will pay for DCs til they are 18 etc and maintain me til Iget a job compatible with looking after them.
6 Give up OW and come home.

Meanwhile, you will be completely open with all friends and family about what is going on.

These are your options - which is best?

Agree OW will have been fed all sorts of bullsh*t about you and your marriage, CMO. She isn't the most culpable in all of this. DH is the only one who really knows the whole truth - and I bet neither you nor OW are getting half of it.

CMO - how do you know that she's "very persistent"? Is it because that's what your h tells you? Maybe HE is the persistent one.

GND and Carmenere are both offering brilliant advice. I hope coming on here means that you're open to taking some of it because you absolutely cannot stay as you are.

Anyone else on here wish they could have a midlife crisis? I know I do.

Cantmoven. Im so sorry your going through this. Im not good with words but im sure you will get lots of great advice of the lovely mnners here. Im sure it is possible to love two people at the same time. Maybe in time he will get over this woman, it sounds like he has a major crush more than being in love with her and needs a fix from time to time. You must be going through such an awfull emotional time right now and i really feel for you. Focus on your slef and your children, put on a brave face and cry your heart on in private. talk to as many people as possible about this, you need the out let and the support. You will get through this and hopefully with your husband by your side xxx

Constance wearing, i love your comment about the uber-nice technique. It has worked for me, the ow is certianly showing her true colurs now that there e motional affair is over. My dh told me that she seemed like his perfect woman. Shes not so perfect right now!!!

Excellent point, Squeaver, though I can't see I'd have got away with it!

Funnily enough, my h's ow is also very persistent - must be their trick to get what they want.

Also agree with Constance in that you have no idea what your h is saying to other woman and she will have no idea about the true state of your relationship.

Even after I knew about my h's affair, I asked for total honesty and very niaively assumed he would now be honest with me (I know, dont laugh!) but have realised over the last few months that he hasn't been honest at all. He has been a selfish pig!

I still believe that you must be strong and lay down the law now. Dont let him make the decisions - YOU make the decisions and tell him what he is to do.

And TELL YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY. Believe me, it will change the situation and he will not like how he is seen by people that previously respected/liked him.

Muckypups, I found that advice on the internet whilst I was having similar problems with XH. Unfortunately, I'm too much of a feminist to make use of it. It would have been the ideal solution, had I not been so bloody proud. But after seven or so affairs, I'd had enough of him anyway

Respect to you though, if you managed to make it work. You must have the strength and nerves of steel. Myself, I always throw the baby out with the bath water

The only person who can change this situation is you. You are totally in control here.

Why would your DH make any decisions now? He has everything he wants: nice family life AND his romantic relationship. He is going to sit tight, enjoy the emotional torment, have lots of fantastic sex with his lover and also be a great daddy. He has a nice life like that, really, so what is his incentive to change?

DH's parents lived like this. For 20 years. And then his father left for his lover. Who is still with, 30 years later. This is in all possibility the future you are facing, I'm afraid, if you continue with your current path.

So you either need to come to terms with that and live with it (in which case, PLEASE plan carefully for your own financial future, particularly your pension) or make decisions to change - which I'm afraid probably means making him leave.

Message withdrawn

Dior - I do agree, BUT I also think that counselling is a pre-requisite when there are a) 3 kids and b) he is unsure what he wants.

3 children are in the middle of this- the priority must be to salvage the marriage if possible.

If he won't go for counselling, then the OP should go alone.

This man cannot really have both women long term- something has to give- either he has to go to the OW or he has to stay with his wife.

We know nothing about the OW- she might look on all of this as a fling, she may want to marry him- who knows.

But she is not a factor in OP's decision.

Please OP_ what are you feeling now- come back and talk!

When I first started posting about my h's affair, I was given lots of good advise, and it made me stronger and see things clearer.

One thing I wast told on here and it has been something that I have used is this... When you ask your h to make a decision, he must decide if he wants to be with you or not (regardless of the ow). Dont make it a choice between the two of you.

If he wants to leave then suggest he lives slone for a while. Then decide what he wants.