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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know if anyone would remember me, a few months ago I found out my partner was married to another woman already and had three children.

46 replies

almostthesecondwife · 13/08/2008 14:40

The original thread for anyone who remembers is

here

Dp's wife has filed for divorce as she says it is over and she can never trust him again. She says she would one day like our children to meet, but at the moment she doesn't know if she can tell her children of the betrayal on top of the fact their parents are getting a divorce and I can totally understand that.

As for xp, he has disappeared. No-one knows where he is, but both me and his wife had an email from him about six weeks after he went missing, saying that he was unable to face up to what he had done, that he was very sorry but that he had decided to leave the country and try to put his life back together. To not try to find him because he doesn't feel he can ever come home again and that he doesn't want his children to ever find out what he had done.

The police have said it's quite possible he has another secret life somewhere but they said there's really no way of knowing as he seemingly has disappeared without a trace.

So his stupid cowardly actions have left two women without a partner and 5 children without a father.

As for me, I have spent the past few months putting my life back together. My family and friends have been very supportive, it's amazing, you find out at times like this who your friends really are and what they mean to you.

My baby is due in three weeks and the pregnancy has been going well. I have, maybe stupidly, wondered if xp will get back in touch around my due date, but I don't really even know why I care any more.

OP posts:

Seabright · 13/08/2008 14:45

I remember your original post. Well done to you and his wife for dealing with it so well and in such a mature way.

If, for whatever reason, you, his wife or children did want or need to contact him, try the Salvation Army Family Tracing Service. They are kind, no judgmental and can often find people who've vanished for all manner of reasons.

Good luck to all of you.

Freckle · 13/08/2008 14:47

I remember you and your original thread. Well done for moving on with your life and good luck with your imminent birth.

I can understand his wife's feelings and I suspect that she will eventually agree to the children meeting, but it's lot for them to get their heads round on top of their parents' divorce. Have you said anything to your dcs? Or are they too young to understand anything?

CoteDAzur · 13/08/2008 14:48

I remember your thread. What a jackass! To lead a double life if bad enough, but then to disappear without a trace

I'm sure it doesn't feel like that now, but you are better off without a man like that in your life.

Can you not file a criminal report on him so that he will at least be arrested the next time he shows his face anywhere (assuming he uses the same name)? Not for revenge purposes (altbought that will probably taste sweet) but so that he can't hurt any other women like this.

I wish you lots of strength for these hard days.

Alexa808 · 13/08/2008 14:48

HI ATSW, I do remember your thread. So glad to hear you have the support of family and friends. So the little one is arriving in 3 weeks... Was it really that long ago? I'll keep my fingers crossed for you and will wait for your announcement in the Births section

Don't really know what to say about your ex, it all beggars belief. He has every reason to be ashamed but could have come good owning up to it. Running away is just a very male reaction I have to say. Very sad.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!!

OsmosisBanana · 13/08/2008 14:49

Good grief, I'd wondered what had happened. What a coward. And what strong ladies you both are.

MascaraOHara · 13/08/2008 14:51

I rememebr you and have often wondered what happened to you.

Sad to say, I expect the police are right and he has another life already somewhere.. You sound very positive and I am amazed at how well you handled the whole sorry situation..

you should be very proud of yourself.. maybe one day you should think about writing a book.

I wish you and you family every happiness.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 13/08/2008 14:54

well done you and his wife, you both handled yourself brilliantly. proving that you dont need a tosser like him in your lives.

my xp never bothered contacting me about my dd1s birth and have not seen or heard from since i told him i was pg and refused to have an abortion. so i wouldnt hold your breath on him calling. men like that are cowards. oh also my dad was at one point just like your xp and he walked away from his first daughter without looking back.

you can try and trace him if you want him involved. maybe he is afraid to face the music as it were and decided to hide, but secretly would like to meet your baby.

good luck on the birth x

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 13/08/2008 14:54

well done you and his wife, you both handled yourself brilliantly. proving that you dont need a tosser like him in your lives.

you can try and trace him if you want him involved. maybe he is afraid to face the music as it were and decided to hide, but secretly would like to meet your baby.

good luck on the birth x

ambercat · 13/08/2008 14:54

I remember reading your thread like this. Thanks for posting an update, i have wondered what happened.

Good luck to you with the birth of your baby, i hope you stay strong in the coming months, you have been through an incredibly difficult time. My thoughts are with you. xx

Original poster

almostthesecondwife · 13/08/2008 14:55

Freckle my dd is still too young to understand really.

Cote technically he hasn't done anything illegal. As we weren't married he's not actually a bigamist so I can't really make a criminal charge. Oh if only having another woman on the side was illegal maybe it would make tosser men who cheat on their wives think twice.

OP posts:

ChipButty · 13/08/2008 14:56

I remember reading the original thread. You should be incredibly proud of the strength and dignity you have shown throughout all of this. Wishing you the best of luck for the new baby and for your other children too. Take care. xx

PaddlePig · 13/08/2008 14:57

Oh my goodness.

I do remember your story and thanks for coming back to tell us how you are doing.

I'd like to say that I'm shocked that he has done a bunk and vanished without a trace but I've experienced similar altho on a smaller scale.

I would say, it's impossible not to wonder if he will be in touch around the due date but try not to assume he will or anticipate it.

Obviously I don't know him but I'd say a man who can sustain 2 relationships where both women are oblivious is probably not a bastard in the usual sense of the word.

I'm not defending him or anything but I should imagine he has lost it. My H lost it and went awol twice for several weeks at a time and he wasn't hiding anything on this scale.

What I'm trying to say is that he might return but it might not be for a very long time.

It's been nearly 3yrs since my H first awol and he's still not 100% back to full mental health.

Glad to hear your family and friends are being so supportive and that your pregancy is going well.

jura · 13/08/2008 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

collision · 13/08/2008 14:59

I read your thread again, just this week, and was hoping you would post again.

Another Mumsnetter has had something similar happen to her. He left the house and buggered off to Thailand and has not been heard of since. Left her with a 6m old son. She posts under HumanBean. You would probably be a really good support to each other.

I do not know what to say really apart from the fact you sound like you and the wife have handled this fantastically and I do hope you are able to stay in touch with her and one day the children can be friends.

The man is a first rate idiot. Have his family heard from him? What do they have to say about it all? Do they see any of the children?

Dropdeadfred · 13/08/2008 15:01

Him disappearing must have caused you and his wife some terrible finacial problems as well as emotional. I think you are an amazingly strong person....

Blu · 13/08/2008 15:04

I was wondering about you just the other day. Thanks for the update - and stay on MN as you build your little family and find your own happiness with your children.

SofiaAmes · 13/08/2008 15:16

Not paying child support is illegal, no?

Original poster

almostthesecondwife · 13/08/2008 15:19

Collision I never met his family as he told me they were estranged.

About three months ago I did write a letter to his parents because I perhaps naively thought they might want to get to know their other grandchildren. I had a letter back saying not to get in touch with them again, that I have destroyed a lovely family and I deserve to wrot in hell for it. so even if he has been in touch with them I don't imagine they'll be in a hurry to tell me.

Dropdeadfred I think his wife has been most affected by this. I have a well paid job, and although he did contribute to the household the house is mine and I continued to pay the mortgage so it's only a few extra bills really.

His wife though was a sahm, so when he left her he's left her literally with nothing. And she can't even sell the house because it's in joint names and he's not around to sign documents etc . As far as I know she had family helping her and she was looking for a job, but the last time we spoke she did say that it's likely the house will be repossessed and then she'll be left with nothing. . We haven't spoken often though so I don't know any more than that really.

OP posts:

TillyScoutsmum · 13/08/2008 15:19

I remember your other thread. Sorry he has disappeared. What an absolute coward !

All the best for the rest of your pg and hope everything goes well for you all

PortAndLemon · 13/08/2008 15:20

I remember your thread. Glad to hear that you are doing so well by yourself and have RL support leading up to your new baby's birth.

woodenchair · 13/08/2008 15:21

I remember your thread and I good for you for moving on. I'm glad you have a good support next work around you, your dh on the other hand is a knob!

Good luck with the rest of your pg, hope the birth goes to plan. Make sure you tell us how it goes!

wheresthehamster · 13/08/2008 15:34

Glad you're coping.

for his wife and her financial difficulties

raggety · 13/08/2008 15:34

Hi ATSW.

What a cowardly bastard he is.

'he was unable to face up to what he had done, that he was very sorry but that he had decided to leave the country and try to put his life back together. To not try to find him because he doesn't feel he can ever come home again and that he doesn't want his children to ever find out what he had done.'

Self-serving coward. He has not gone away because he is ashamed. He has gone away because it is easier for him to run away from the mess and leave you and his wife to pick up the pieces. He probably chose you specifically because you were financially independent. His going away is irrelevant to whether his children will find out what he has done, they will find out. He has gone away because it is the only way he can avoid facing the music, avoid financially supporting his children, start again and do the same thing to someone else.

I am glad you are ok financially. You have been so strong throughout this. I do also feel sorry for what he has done to his wife. How awful for her and her children to lose their home on top of the emotional nightmare. Poor kids.

How are your children?

morningpaper · 13/08/2008 15:37

You sound like a strong woman and a fantastic mother

Good luck xxx

raggety · 13/08/2008 15:41

And at his parents!! How blinkered and deluded and biased can you be? So you broke up the marriage, did you? Even though you knew nothing about it. He was totally innocent? Apart from all the lies he told and the fact that he was living a double life.

You are amazing to be able to take this so calmly. But I suppose you don't have much choice. Thank God your children will have one really good parent.

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