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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this rape/sexual abuse?

137 replies

QuickNameChange1 · 12/08/2008 17:46

Please picture the scene and give your opinion...

a woman is having sex with her husband. After a while, she asks him to stop as she just cannot get in the mood. Instead of doing as she asks, he carries on alhough "speeds things up" so that he still gets what he wants out of it.

5 minutes or so after she asked him to stop, he does.

Is this still classed as rape/abuse?

Sorry for the name change, wanted to ask this anon.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/08/2008 20:28

It absolutely is rape.

dittany · 12/08/2008 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

prudencepinkleg · 12/08/2008 20:34

Point very well made, dittany.

morningpaper · 12/08/2008 20:34

I'm not sure that it's always HELPFUL to talk in terms of rape vs. not-rape

What happened in the situation you described is ghastly and horrid and I suspect the woman in question knows that this relationship needs to end very soon

Alambil · 12/08/2008 20:35

It is rape - consent was withdrawn, sex should have ceased.

It's VERY hard to "prove" and for people to seem to accept because it's so far removed from the "I got jumped on in an alleyway in the middle of the night" preconception that constitutes rape.

Womens Aid or the GP can offer support if she needs

prudencepinkleg · 12/08/2008 20:36

Does anyone think it's acceptable to carry on at all, even if it is 'close to the end', when a woman cries stop?

Alambil · 12/08/2008 20:37

no, prudence - if he wants to climax, he can do it with his hand

If someone (man OR woman) says stop, it stops - end of.

morningpaper · 12/08/2008 20:38

no prudence, of course it isn't acceptable

prudencepinkleg · 12/08/2008 20:40

That's what I thought too. Just wondered as had heard of similar experience and person involved said exactly that - well it was close to the end .

Dior · 12/08/2008 20:42

Message withdrawn

Roboshua · 12/08/2008 20:53

Legally yes it's rape. Weather you would ever get a conviction at court is another matter (proven by the differing views on this this thread). It is even more complicated if the female in question then has consentual sex two days later (and yes I have have had to deal with reports of rape where on Monday she said 'no' as in circumstances outlined but on Weds said 'yes'.

However person in question should really question being in arealtionship where partner prioritises his needs over her wishes in these circumstances. I would imagine that he behaves in a similar manner in other areas of the relationship and it would be classed as an abusive relationship.

beanieb · 12/08/2008 21:18

The whole point of consent is you are allowed to withdraw it at any time.

divastrop · 12/08/2008 21:28

whatever you want to call it,it is wrong

Bowddee · 12/08/2008 21:34

Was the person in question was having sex with her husband? Or did I read that wrong? And now she wants to cry rape, because she changed her mind half way through?

dittany · 12/08/2008 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mamazon · 12/08/2008 21:36

no she doesn't "want to cry rape" she is, or as is my understanding, questioning her own understanding of what has happened to her.

she didn't change her mind midway through a love making session, she activly tried to push him off of her but he continued regardless.

Im sorry Bowdee but your name is unfamiliar to me, are you male?

WinkyWinkola · 12/08/2008 21:40

A man or a woman can change their mind at any time during sex. It is their right.

And they don't have to say no more than once or try to push the person off to have asserted their right.

I would say it is rape. and

Bowddee · 12/08/2008 21:41

No I'm not male, I'm someone who knows the pain, the fear, and the humiliation of rape.
Fucking brutal rape at that.

colette · 12/08/2008 21:43

I think morningpaper has summed up what I think .
The important thing is to get out of the abusive relationship as soon as possible .

Mamazon · 12/08/2008 21:44

well unfortuntly i know the pain of spousal rape.
I can assure you that it is every bit as painfull, even more so, that a person who claims they love you and whom you have loved can treat you in that manner.

I fond it very sad that anyone, but particularly a woman feels it is ok for a man to behave in such a way simply because they are married to their victim.

WinkyWinkola · 12/08/2008 21:45

Victim.

Roboshua · 12/08/2008 21:48

'This idea about consent being something that if you give once, then you've given it forever is a very dangerous idea'.

That was not what I was saying. I am saying it would be very diffiuclt for a jury to find someone guilty of rape in these circumstances (even though legally it is) because as Bowddee states if you have suffered the pain,fear and humiliation of rape you would not voluntarily have sex with that person again and relating to the example I used on my previous post the female in question had sex on the Weds because on Weds she did feel like it and had actually initiated it.

beanieb · 12/08/2008 21:50

I think I understand what Roboshua is saying in a way.

QuintessentialShadows · 12/08/2008 21:50

I am probably going to be slated.

Has it happened before?

Because in my view, if you start intercourse with your partner and you are in a loving relationship, and the sex isnt hurting, what is wrong with continuing till your partner has climaxed? I think it is a bit to just suddenly change your mind, unless he did something specifically to "turn you off" such as hurting you physically or emotionally. Would you have continued sexual activity without intercourse to help him climax? Such as let him climax on you, or give him a hand job, oral?

susiecutiebananas · 12/08/2008 21:50

Bowddee: Crying rape? hey? secondly, I fail to see what relevance it is wether the man forcing the woman to have sex was her husband or not.

Just because a woman is married to a man does not then mean he can have sex with her anytime he wants to, consensual or otherwise. It is not his right to have sex with his wife. It still has to always be consensual!

Blimey, your short post has just horrified me! really horrified me. You don't honestly think this is the case do you?

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