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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Apparently i'm not entitled to a break from the kids, because i'm their mother and thats my job

150 replies

nutcracker · 12/02/2005 09:22

That is according to dp, who also seems to think that i can't get tired or to the point of wishing i'd never had any kids.

All because i don't go to work, so how difficult can my life possibly be.

OP posts:
HunkerMunker · 12/02/2005 21:40

Nutty, your post about him not wanting you to have any confidence worries me a lot. What advice would you give if someone else posted what you have today? Hugs, hun - and you can do it.

rickman · 12/02/2005 21:40

Message withdrawn

HunkerMunker · 12/02/2005 21:41

Would he go to counselling?

snafu · 12/02/2005 21:41

Thing is, nutty, you'll always be able to think of a reason not to leave. There are a million reasons not to, if you want there to be. The last thing I would ever do is tell someone definitely to leave their relationship but you have seemed so unhappy with this for so long. The trouble with relationships like this is that after a while you get so ground down that you forget you deserve a bit of happiness too.

Original poster
nutcracker · 12/02/2005 21:44

If someone else had posted all this i would have told them to leave.

No he wouldn't go to counselling, he doesn't think he ever does anything wrong so no need.

OP posts:
rickman · 12/02/2005 21:44

Message withdrawn

HunkerMunker · 12/02/2005 21:45

Could you do some assertiveness training?

Original poster
nutcracker · 12/02/2005 21:46

We are going on the 25th of feb for 4 days. A very kind Mner gave me the holiday that she won off MN as she couldn't go

Can't go without him as i don't drive.

OP posts:
misdee · 12/02/2005 21:46

but nutty, u put it off b4, and i know you were hoping that moving house would help the relationship but it hasnt. u need to sortthings out. there is loads of support out there for single parents, and even tho benefits seem like a poor way to live, most compnaies will take reduced payments as soon as you mention income support.

misdee · 12/02/2005 21:47

thats a week friday then. make a date and stick to it.

misdee · 12/02/2005 21:48

sorry i'm pushing you i know. but feel so that u feel like this a heck of a lot.

WideWebWitch · 12/02/2005 21:48

Nutcracker, if you decide leaving is the right thing you'll get lots of support here, you know that. But if you're only staying because of the children and money I'd say really, don't. The children will be better with a happy mother and you WILL find a way to manage financially. He really has so little respect for you, it can't be any good for your state of mind. But I realise all this is easy for me to say. I hope you're ok.

SPARKLER1 · 12/02/2005 21:48

Hi Nutcracker. So have you got your early morning alarm set for tomorrow - ready for that retail therapy???????? Hmmmmm?????

Original poster
nutcracker · 12/02/2005 21:49

No it's ok Misdee, i know it must be frustrating for others to watch/listen too.

OP posts:
misdee · 12/02/2005 21:50

just want you to be happy.

mummygow · 12/02/2005 21:50

nutcracker my dh was the same for about the first 11/2 years of my dd's life. We always went over the same old ground, about how tired he was because he worked, how he needed a lie in because he had been out working all week. We argued constantly because I would try and explain that I could not clock in and out of my job, I was in it 24/7, but when he finished he came home and lay on the couch!!

Well it all changed when I finally woke up and realised that it was me who would have to change if he wasnt going to - told him to leave, changed all the bills to my name, went to social security and budgeted to survive and do you know what I realsised, my dd was not as hard work as my dh was, and if he wasnt lying around in front of me he wouldnt be able to annoy me, so I went on and enjoyed my days with my dd.

But guess what, my DH realised I didnt need him or his stupid work.

When I look at my dd I know I have no one to thank but myself - dh and I back together and he does take note of my "nagging" now. We are also ttc baby 2, but I am going in with my eyes open this time - dont know if it will be any different but I do know that I want a brother/sister for dd and if I can do it once I can do it again - even if I need to do it all by myself!!

Heres a hug because I know how hard it is to live with such a lazy man ((((hug))))

Cant help loving him though!!

rickman · 12/02/2005 21:55

Message withdrawn

Original poster
nutcracker · 12/02/2005 22:04

God no, i wouldn't want my Dd's to end up like me either.

OP posts:
sansouci · 12/02/2005 22:12

Desperate situation, nutcracker but don't let anyone push you. It's got to be your decision. I love the idea of you going to uni, etc. What a wonderful thing to look forward to! I guess my advice is to try and visualise yourself living without him, not seeing him anymore. does it make you feel free? happy? Your kids will survive; I know because my parents divorced when I was 5. I remember the rows & my mother crying. It was better for us all that they split. I don't hate or resent either one of them... except that my mother wanted me to forget my father. Big mistake. If money, guilt and fear are the only things keeping you with your h, well... hugs & good luck.

Original poster
nutcracker · 12/02/2005 22:14

My parents seperation was the best thing that could of happened too, even though there was a big custody battle.

I am almost 100% certain that i would be 100% happier without him.

OP posts:
sansouci · 12/02/2005 22:16

Then go for it!

unicorn · 12/02/2005 22:19

sorry to intrude.. but nutty you know what to do...

I guess from here on you just have to get a strategy together, don't be daunted, treat it as a 'project' (hope that doesn't sound patronising and cr*p)

There is help and lots of support here for you...
and again (not wanting to sound crass) nothing is insurmountable.

Go for it.. you only have one blast at life.

ponygirl · 12/02/2005 22:56

Hi Nutty, haven't been posting much lately, but had to say hi when I saw this. Agree with others that you need to get out of this situation. Someone as lovely as you doesn't deserve to be so ground down. You will be much happier without him: better off alone than worn away by someone like this. Take care of yourself, will be checking up on you! Love ponygirl

MeerkatsUnite · 13/02/2005 08:53

Nutcracker,

I would argue that your children will in all likelihood not hate you in the longer term if you were to spilt with this man. They may longer term wonder though why you continued to stay with him for so long if you were so unhappy. They probably don't like him very much either because he treats you so poorly.

You have been ground down by his insecrities and controlling nature. Its time to fight back.

There is always a way out.

bathmummy · 13/02/2005 09:07

Just read this all the way through. You have been given some wonderful, warm and thoughtful advice. Hope it gives you the strength and courage to follow through and put you and your children first. It is easy to think of hundreds of reasons why to stay as you are - money, security etc. etc. but what is really important in life? Respect, love, happiness, caring, calm family environment for your children. We learn self respect, about love and relationships from what we see around us - think about what your children are unconsciously learning from their parent?s relationship and ultimately how that is setting them up for the future.
Life is tough and taking control can be very scary but could be the start of a whole new chapter. If you want this, plan a date after your holiday and stick to it. Make a financial plan and start to consider all the practical issues now so that when it comes to the crunch you are prepared and feel more in control.
What ever you do, good luck.
(Hope all fo that isn?t too patronising and bossy - not meant to be).