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Original poster

Apparently i'm not entitled to a break from the kids, because i'm their mother and thats my job

150 replies

nutcracker · 12/02/2005 09:22

That is according to dp, who also seems to think that i can't get tired or to the point of wishing i'd never had any kids.

All because i don't go to work, so how difficult can my life possibly be.

OP posts:

stitch · 12/02/2005 10:01

hope im not butting in, but i think this is an idea in all of western society at the moment. if you dont go out and do a paid job, you are not working. motherhood is not regarded as a job the way it is in other parts of the world. or even in previous generations.
which is why i think it is a bit unfair to blame individual men for this attitude. dont get me wrong, my dh is a useless git.

WideWebWitch · 12/02/2005 10:02

I'm as outraged as everyone else by the idea that looking after children isn't work. Nutty, I REALLY think you should give him a day and night on his own with them to give him the idea, he just clearly doesn't get it and I think he needs to see how hard it can be. Sympathy.

stitch · 12/02/2005 10:02

not much help i know. sorry

bathmummy · 12/02/2005 10:02

I love my DH and on the whole we have a great relationship. However, I "don?t work" as I stay at home and "play" with the children all day...
Somehow our decision seems to have equated that I do not have the right to moan about my day, mention that I am exhausted and could do with a break because I knew what I was getting involved in, not prepared to stop being a stay at home mum and as a mum should never dare to suggest it is hard work, lonely and down right boring at times as this might suggest that I might not be up to the job or maybe not even love them enough. He doesn?t say any of this to me but there is that underlying impression that this is how he thinks and I guess often I give myself a hard time about it all too.
Being a SAHM is hard work, it is stressful and we should all be entitled to a break now and again. My DH lvoes his job, would never ever do anything else but seems to think it is ok to moan about the little daily irritations non stop and enjoys his time off - so why can?t I?
In fact, I am going to haul his butt out of bed now, tell him to spend more family time with all of us and take us out for the day - enough is enough and I need support as the kids are yelling and I am avoiding all of it by sitting here Bye.

SeaShells · 12/02/2005 10:06

Does DP get days off work or does he work 24/7..... no thought not!

stitch · 12/02/2005 10:07

you know, i wish i had my grandmothers life. she may not have had much money, or a dishwasher or electricity. and she may have had eight kids. nine pregnancies, including a twin. but she had the support of her family, and neighbours. and society.end everyone appreciated what a hard job she was doing. but she had loads and loads of support.
even if grandad never did the dishes, or changed a nappy in his life

vict17 · 12/02/2005 10:11

I'm hopefully giving up work in the not too distant future and this worries me too. Atm i work part time which involves one Saturday a fortnight (as well as 2 days in the week) and on that day dh has to look after ds on his own. But he admits he doesn't enjoy it. He will get up in the night to help out but I have to wake him up first! I just thought it was all men!!

Ameriscot2005 · 12/02/2005 10:17

Men can be totally clueless as to what it's like to be a SAHM until the day you don't do it. We insulate them from the drudgery of day-to-day life to the point that they only ever see scrubbed up children, that require play and not much else.

It's like that old joke about the man coming home from work to find the house completely trashed, no food for dinner, and the kids running around in their pyjamas. He goes up to the bedroom to find his wife lounging around, eating chocolate and flicking through a magazine. He asks her what's going on, and she replies, "You know, darling, how you always ask me what I did today - well, today I didn't do it."

Of course mum is entitled to time off. She does her bit when hubby is at work, and once he is home, their duties should be shared fairly.

Communication is the key. Proper communication, where you both express your feelings and listen empathetically to the other without distraction, interruption, trying to problem-solve etc.

Lowryn · 12/02/2005 10:21

Nutcracker, this sounds like my life too. I would love to just get up in the morning and leave him to deal with the kids but I can't because I love them too much to put them through it!
My Dh is becoming a dictator and I guess it is because his work is going so badly.
I was really ill one afternoon and had to go to bed. He said, you can go to bed after you put DS to bed. I was so ill that I just crawled into a ball in the bathroom and rocked! I crept off to bed only to get up in time to feed DS and put him to bed, then I crawled back to bed.
I felt better in the late evening and came down to find DH in a mood.
He told me that if for some reason I died and he was left with the kids he would have to put them up for adoption as he couldn't cope with them!

Original poster

nutcracker · 12/02/2005 10:27

Lowryn

I am not sure i could inflict a full day of miserable daddy onto the kids just so i could get a break though.

He would just moan and moan at them and then i would feel guilty for having left them.

OP posts:

ImuststopdrinkingBlossomhill · 12/02/2005 10:34

Nutcracker - you deserve a medal you honestly do. Tell dp this is the year 2005 and 1905. Get out and have some time for you without the kids, without dp. I really do not know how you can stand it because I couldn't.
Bhx

ImuststopdrinkingBlossomhill · 12/02/2005 10:34

and not 1905 was what I meant to say!

Moomin · 12/02/2005 10:43

that's the whole point though isn't it nutty - he knows the kids will suffer if he's with them all day being a in a bad mood and getting stressed and resentful, and he also knows you wouldn't want your kids to have to go through that. god, some men i feel really uptight for you.
i think the upshot of this might be - and i hope i'm not being out of order here - that he doesn't actually respect you much at the moment. that's why he feels your job is unimportant but his miraculously is. just because he's going out to work and getting paid for it (even though it doesn't sound like he's doing much) he thinks he's Berty Big Bollocks. i know lots of blokes like this. conceited arse.
i think Rickman's right: there'll come a time when yoiu have to weigh up what you want out of life, for you and your kids. life is very short!

fuzzywuzzy · 12/02/2005 11:05

I got over this sort of attitude from dp, by leaving him with dd1 whilst I waltzed off to work... he's never said a word since.
Your dp probably just does not truly understand how much work goes into being a mum. suggest he take care of the kids for one entire day, and disappear from the house. I think that's the only way to get them to understnad (although I admit I'd cooked before hand so all dp literally needed to do was watch dd1).

hercules · 12/02/2005 11:17

I dont get it, I really dont. How can a parent not be a parent? I guess I am pretty sheltered but I am honestly astounded that in some families parenting isnt shared equally. I could imagine never leaving my kids with their other parent and having to prepare stuff in advance or worry about their mood.

Original poster

nutcracker · 12/02/2005 11:20

He did have Ds for me last saturday afternoon, bnecause me and the dd's went to vist my friend, but i had to get a meal ready for Ds before hand and tell him what time to let him have his nap, how long for etc etc.

OP posts:

hercules · 12/02/2005 11:22

I really feel for you nutcracker. It must be so hard.

hercules · 12/02/2005 11:23

He didnt have ds for you. He's not a babysitter.

ImuststopdrinkingBlossomhill · 12/02/2005 11:23

Unless you throw him in at the deep end he will never learn! I left dh with ds when he was only 6 weeks old and had a girls night out.
Best thing I could've done as he has always been a very hands on father and I wouldn't have accepted anything less!

Original poster

nutcracker · 12/02/2005 11:24

Suppose i am used to it now Hercules, just all gets on top of me some days.

He has got 2 weeks off soon in which he is supposed to be decorating both dd's rooms. If it gets done i'll eat my hat.

OP posts:

sansouci · 12/02/2005 11:24

Nutcracker, you deserve some time away from your children, just as they actually need some time away from you! This is a TRUE FACT!! Tell your selfish dh to get his arse in gear. Mine tries the same tricks (had a row this morning about it) & it's just not on! Furthermore, when people say oh, so you don't work, I reply crisply, I work but am not paid for it! I also have what is called in Switzerland a "maman de jour", literally a day-mummy, to whom I drop off ds 2 mornings a week. It's sheer bliss to have some time to yourself and very necessary.

Caligula · 12/02/2005 11:32

This is all about bringing up children not being respected as work because women do it. Men just simply don't respect it because they don't respect us.

Nutty, how about pretending you're really ill one Saturday, taking to your bed and refusing to get up? Just say you feel too ill to cope, and leave him to it. Sneak a copy of Glamour (or whatever other magazine you like!) into your bed so you don't get bored, and pretend to be asleep every time he comes into the room.

See how easy he thinks you have it after about eight hours.

Alternatively, just go out to the shops "for five minutes", then ring him on your mobile and say it's time he found out what looking after kids was like. Then go and enjoy yourself for the day. When you come home, tell him calmly that you're not going to have a row about it, but from now on you require the respect you deserve for the job you do. He's treating you without respect. Do you really deserve that?

hercules · 12/02/2005 11:33

Not all men are like that!

sansouci · 12/02/2005 11:37

No, not all, Hercules but staying home with the kids could sound like a peachy job (but what do you DO all day?!) to someone who hasn't done it. BTW I've pulled the migraine trick & taken to the bedroom once or twice when I was truly desperate & tired.

Original poster

nutcracker · 12/02/2005 11:40

If i pretended i was ill, he would still expect me to see to the kids.

I was ill with a sickness bug once, whilst pregnant with Dd2, and he went off out (can't remember where) leaving me to see to dd1 from my bed.

He just isn't bothered about stuff like that. He stood and watched me cook a roast dinner the day after i came out of hospital after having Dd1 (had had a section too).

Last night for example, i was doing shepards pie for tea. I started the mince and stuff but in my tired state had forgotten to do the spuds. So i hopped between peeling the spuds and stopping the mince burning and seeing to Dd2 who was having a massive tantrum (because daddy wouldn't take her out on her scooter), whilst Dp sat on the sofa reading his paper, moaning about having to listen to Dd2 whinning when he had been out at work all day.

OP posts:

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