Apparently i'm not entitled to a break from the kids, because i'm their mother and thats my job

[nutcracker]

That is according to dp, who also seems to think that i can't get tired or to the point of wishing i'd never had any kids.

All because i don't go to work, so how difficult can my life possibly be.

I do also think that it is a good role model for your own kids that if they are in shit relationship it is okay to leave.

I know i have to make a desicion about it all, am finding it soooooo hard though.

Thanks for all the replies, it helps to know i can get good advice and support on here.

Must go and do the kids lunch now. Off to me dads then where i do get a bit of a break, cos my brother takes all the kids upstairs to play on the computer, and even gets Ds to have nap for me

Will be back later

kick him out.

Sounds like your brother might be more of a support than your DH

can you afford to take on a home help? even if dh won't help you - let him pay for some help around the house.

And if it's your job, how come you don't get holiday and sickness leave?

He does from his, doesn't he?

nutcracker - ask him when you can take your holidays. Point out to the silly bugger that being a Mum 24/7 is exhausting - or arrange a day out a leave the annoying git to it - let him discover how "cushy" it really is.
And I 'd make sure that you are far too tired for sex until he gets the message. Men irritate me beyond belief sometimes.

Nutty - have you had a nice day? Did you manage to get a break whilst with your brother?

What is his mother like? Has she always run around after everyone? My ex was such a lazy prick and expected me to do EVERYTHING he would even have a nap after work whilst I did tea, bath and bed for DD then would rise ready to eat and watch TV

His mum was a skivvy to his dad and her 2 sons - used to dedicate her entire life to looking after them and he just couldnt get why I wanted him to help and just thought I was lazy.

Just one problem with the "throw him in at the deep-end" tactic. I tried this with my twins as I was at the end of my tether and ready to shoot myself and / or dh if I dint get a break. Left dh to it for a grand total of two hours and when I got home the house looked like a bomb had gone off and both kids were screaming. Dh was both deaf and blind to it all and has since then told me on numerous occasions what a doddle it all is.

The problem is that jerks like my dh think that all we do is play a bit and watch tv all day so when left in charge that is exactly what he did and thoroughly enjoyed himself. He has no concept of all of the other things that get done and I dont want myself / the kids / the house to suffer by leaving them undone until he notices, because he just wont ever notice.

No idea what else to try.

Nutcracker, you deserve better than this man. He's behaving like a child himself. You say you don't love him, but won't leave because the children would be upset (hope I've got that right?). I'd have been very upset if my mum had stayed with my dad because we'd have minded her leaving.

Don't just think short-term, hun. Obviously you don't want your children to be upset, but I think you need to balance how happy they are with this childish lazy man who has no respect for you against how happy they would be if you could be strong enough to make a decent life for yourself.

It won't be easy, but you already do everything, so why not do it all without your H's 'help'? Hugs, hun. Not an easy decision.

Hi again, back from my dads, my brother had all the kids upstairs all afternoon again so i did get a bit of a rest thanks.

The problem i have is that i always seem to be putting things in the way of sorting the probs out iykwim. For example, we had a row the other week and i asked him to leave, and i really did want him too, but then i though 'oh no the kids will be so dissapointed if we don't go on the holiday', and so i gave in.
Money is the biggest thing that stops me, as i just don't think i could cope on what iu have worked out i would get.

The other biggie is that i want to go back to college in september and hopefully to uni after that, non of which i can do if i'm on my own cos i don't drive and would end up trying to be in 3or 4 different places at once.

I know the kids would eventually be happier if we split, my parents split up when i was 12 and is was the best thing that could of happened, but i just worry that they will hate me for it.

I could go on and on with the reasons.......am scared of spending the rest of my life on my own, scared of living on my own round here, scared that if i did get into another relationship, it might be worse than this one etc etc etc......see the list goes on.

Oh Nutcracker, it all seems insurmountable, but it isn't.

Is he supportive of you going back to college in September? Because if he isn't, you know you won't be able to do it anyway, don't you? He just won?t provide the back up you need unless he?s 100% behind you doing it ? and tbh, from your descriptions, it just doesn?t sound like he?s the sort of man who would put himself out to ensure that you do something good for you.

Have you thought about ringing the One Parent Family helpline and asking them for advice on whether there are funds available for lone parents to go to college (I have no idea if there are or not, but they're the experts). Phone number is 0800 018 5026. They'll be able to tell you exactly what's what in the event that you did split from him, so at least you could act on the basis of up to date information.
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He says he is supportive of me going back to college yes but in reality i know he doesn't like it cos he knows it will give me some independance and some of my confidence back.

Oh nutty, your last post worries me more than the others. Why would he want to keep your confidence low?

If my confidence is low i won't think of looking elsewhere cos i won't have the confidence to look presumably.

He is a very jealous and insecure person.

That's what it sounded like and that's what I hoped you wouldn't say. It's often the case though that the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. Please know you deserve more than this.

Do i though i mean what is it supposed to be like. I think i've probably lost touch with what a relationship is meant to be like after being with him for so long.

oh god nut cracker just read origional post i know how you feel plus i find my dh god bless him always seems to think he does get up at night and he does do thigs with ds and that he does do housework am i blind?????????? ahhh but i love him really i must be mad!

I used to be with someone like this. We didn't have kids so it was less complicated but please don't underestimate what you could cope with without someone who just undermines you like this.

Message withdrawn

It's supposed to be better than this, though, Nutty. I mean, obviously no relationship is 100% perfect but everyone deserves to be with someone who supports them and doesn't undermine them. Nothing you're asking for is unreasonable.

im with you nutty

Blimey rickman, that is me. I know that i would jump at the first sign of any kindness or love from anyone.

u know what u have to do nutty.

I do yeah, but when. Can't posibly do it before the holiday, the kids know about it and are really really excited, got their goggles and cossies ready already.