Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

would you leave your husband if....................

62 replies

sadder · 12/02/2005 01:52

you did not love him.
he was cold ang grumpy at least half the time
his being aound meant you could go on holiday on your own
you had three kids aged 6,5,2
you liked is family and they liked you
your kids love him (he is their dad)
life would be hard day to day withou him around.
you had not made love in over a year and dont want to
you see no prospect of the relationship getting better.
its the kids tht keep you together

OP posts:
SPARKLER1 · 12/02/2005 01:58

Hi sadder. I'm normally a good listener but not very good at dishing out the advice I'm afraid. You sound like you are very unhappy. Does dh know you feel this way?

suzywong · 12/02/2005 07:11

I would certainly have a break to get some headspace, but I'm sure that's easier said that done.

What do you mean by "his being around meant you could not go on holiday on your own"?

And that's a good question, does dh know you feel this way?

MancMum · 12/02/2005 08:07

based on what you say, yes I would leave as I think we all deserve love in our lives and your relationship sounds quite cold and emotionless.. However having said that I think you do owe your kids giving it your all to make sure that it is totally over by having counseling together.. given your kids are so young, it must have only been recently you felt good about the relationship to plan your family.. what has happened since to change it ....

Hugs to you and hope you are getting the support you need

marthamoo · 12/02/2005 08:11

Have you ever loved him? If so, then perhaps with counselling and work on both sides you can bring it back. If you have never loved him then I don't think, honestly, you can ever make it work.

You sound desperately unhappy though and you deserve more than that. Only you can know if there is a relationship there to be saved.

winnie · 12/02/2005 08:25

Agree with others if you have loved him with counselling and effort from both of you there is a chance that you can restore your relationship, however, if one or other of you don't want to it is not going to happen.

You do sound terribly unhappy sadder, and imho you should not stay just because of the children, however, if there is a chance of working it out it is worth a try.

Perhaps going to relate alone would help you decide how you feel. Best wishes, you deserve more, Winniex

Original poster
sadder · 12/02/2005 12:21

suzywong his being around means I CAN go on holiday,(by which I mean the odd overnight stay at a girlfriends) visit friends, go to the shops myself etc.
I was meaning to point out the good aspects in him being here. Sounds heartless but if he was not here I would be home ALL the time with no life at all aprart from the kids and work. No idea how I could even arrange work.

Counselling alone might be a good plan - no way would he go.

yes he knows I feel like this but he is cold and unemotional, most of the time he does not speak to me at all sometimes not even if spoken to.

My 5yo said last week "Daddy does not want you to come home as he does not want to talk to you.

Then my two yo added "he wants you to stay at work"!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
sadder · 12/02/2005 12:22

to be perfectly honest it was never that great.
got together under alcoholic influence

OP posts:
SeaShells · 12/02/2005 12:25

Why not have a break from each other, see what life is like without him, perhaps he'll realise how much he takes you for granted and you can make a fresh start together, or maybe you will realise that you can be without him, and be much happier on your own.

rickman · 12/02/2005 12:26

Message withdrawn

suzywong · 12/02/2005 12:29

oh dear, sadder, I see what you mean now

Hate to say it, but if his disdain and lack of enthusiasm is being flaunted in front of the kids like that then it is time for a break at the very least.

I am presuming you are a regular poster so you will know how much support and advice you will get from MNers

Original poster
sadder · 12/02/2005 12:35

rickman I see from other thread you did split from your kids'dad. How did you finally do it , how old were the kids, and did you ever regret it?

I fear if we split that the day to day drudgery that would be all mine if we split would be just as hard as the emotional coldness I have just now.

In a purely mercenary way I sometimes view him as the best possible childcare for my kds ( apart from me of course!)and if I can shut off emotionally it would not be so bad. I could not afford to pay anyone to do what he does . just had an amusing thought if I did pay someone and they were as huffy as him I would sack them!

OP posts:
Original poster
sadder · 12/02/2005 12:36

suzywong VERY regular!

OP posts:
suzywong · 12/02/2005 12:37

awwww...... don't make me stalk you (only teasing dear)

rickman · 12/02/2005 13:11

Message withdrawn

SenoraPostrophe · 12/02/2005 13:20

I think a break is in order too. Those things he's said to the kids really make alarm bells ring for me.

Have you spoken to him lately about the relationship? It may be he's feeling the same way. Amicable breakups do happen - and he could still care for the kids.

lulupop · 12/02/2005 13:30

gosh sadder, you could be me. our house is under the frosty spell of another weekend home alone together atm, and it makes me feel leaden with misery.

no ideas really, other than to say, yes, I would leave him, but then, like you, I haven't so far, mainly because the alternative, though better in some ways, is so much worse in others

Caligula · 12/02/2005 14:33

Yes.

Being a lone parent is tough, but it's less tough than enduring an unhappy marriage.

Doing it for your kids' sakes teaches your kids to be unhappy.

If he won't go to counselling and that's what it takes to get your marriage back on track, then he doesn't value his marriage and doesn't value his wife.

It's so simple when seen from the outside, but obviously so much less simple when you're going through it.

NameChangingMancMidlander · 12/02/2005 14:38

At least half of that list of reasons given by sadder would make me at least want to try to make things better. Strive to imorove things before they fall apart completely.

NameChangingMancMidlander · 12/02/2005 14:40

Once I'd taken to steps to improve things and given them time time to settle/take effect, and things were still awful, then I would seriously think about ending the marriage.

rickman · 12/02/2005 20:36

Message withdrawn

charleepeters · 12/02/2005 21:00

if i felt like you i would sit im down and say look either talk this through with me or im going to leave and yeah it would be hard i was in a long relationship and i wanted out but i was scared of being on my own and loosing my lifestyle but soon found after i took the dive it wasnt to bad life is what you make it try talking again tell him your thinking of leaving if hes not willing to try to sort things, but honestly honey you probably dont want to here it but you have to do what you feel is best for you and kids............. good luck

suzywong · 12/02/2005 23:27

sadder, I didn't mean to alarm you, I don't know who you are and I have no intention of outing you

mummytojames · 12/02/2005 23:30

i wouldnt advise break up but i would advise counciling and if that didnt work then think again to where the relationships going

Bugsy2 · 13/02/2005 10:03

sadder, I'm with those who say that being a single mum is better than being a miserable married mum. Presumably your H would still see/spend time with children.
I think it may be taking the "bull by the horns" and telling him you are so miserable you are considering separation - what is the worst that could happen?
Big hugs to you.

wild · 14/02/2005 13:51

You may get more time to yourself not less if he sees the children some weekends/evenings. You may like each other better if you live apart.

Swipe left for the next trending thread