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Original poster

Youngish widow to remarry - what to do about rings?

43 replies

whatdayisit · 05/08/2008 18:38

I dear friend of mine, now in her early 40s, lost her husband a few years ago. She was desperately sad for a long time, but held it together (just) for her Dc's.

She is about to marry a divorcee, lovely man, he had an amicable divorce and has dc's similar ages to her (although they won't live with them) and is very good with her children. I am so happy for her.

only fly in the ointment is that she doesn't want to remove her dec'd husband's ring and the new husband wants her to wear "his" ring. She is not at all materialistic or showy where jewellery is concerned. She has a simple wedding band and doesn't see why she needs a new one. Does anyone have any suggestions?

I am sure she loves new man, but she will always love the father of her Dc's too.

OP posts:
4andnotout · 05/08/2008 18:40

Can she not wear her 1st dh's ring on the other hand, or on a neckchain?

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 05/08/2008 18:40

Another interesting question from you.

Are you doing a thesis?

BreeVanderCampLGJ · 05/08/2008 18:41

Could they not pick a new ring and have it and the old ring melded into one ?

shrinkingsagpuss · 05/08/2008 18:42

would they wear the rings on different fingers - if only for the wedding?
could they re- exchange the same rings they have, and add it as part of their vows... erm... in a kind of way of saying, although the love for dead DP will never go, a new love is there and showeing the sasme comitment - til death do us part etc? not the most eloquent way of putting it?!!

BreeVanderCampLGJ · 05/08/2008 18:42

Oh no, are we part of a social experiment ??

RubyRioja · 05/08/2008 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whatdayisit · 05/08/2008 18:59

No Imnot and Bree - I'm just a bit bored and thought I'd ask your valued opinions on a couple of things I have actually being chatting about in RL recently the idea that I could actually being doing a thesis is very funny TBH.

Shrinking - that's what she wants to do. Use the old ring for the new vows. New husband is not at all keen. He is very understanding about how he won't replace the dec'd H, but he does feel strongly that she should have his ring. I understand both sides and am absolutely at a loss as to what to suggest.

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 05/08/2008 19:01

a ring is very symbolic isn't it?

TBH i think wearing it on a chain or her other hand is fine, but i can see why her fiance is upset that she won't remove it

i don't think you can suggest anything - perhaps she isn't as ready to marry as she thinks?

BreeVanderCampLGJ · 05/08/2008 19:02

Melt them down......you know it makes sense.

TheArmadillo · 05/08/2008 19:05

can she have it made into another piece of jewellery - I know someone who had her first wedding and engagment rings made into a beautiful necklace - a cross with the stone in the middle. It could also be something she could pass on to her children.

I could see why wearing 2 wedding rings would really upset her husband to be. But that also she would want to keep hold of it as well.

2point4kids · 05/08/2008 19:06

My Mum's fiance passed away before they married. She wears the engagement ring on her right hand now.
I'd imagine that's the best compromise tbh.

NomDePlume · 05/08/2008 19:07

[Harsh hat on]

I think your friend is being unreasonable. I think it would be very hard for her new DH not to feel very hurt by this, no matter how understanding or sympathetic he is towards her loss of her previous husband.

I can understand that she wants to keep wearing her 1st husband's ring and protect his memory, but at he end of the day she is no longer married to him and will be marrying another man who she loves very much. She should be wearing HIS ring.

I should imagine it is hard enough to be the subsequent husband of someone who has lost their partner, someone who perhaps, as a result of the untimely loss still has slightly rose tinted views of the relationship. There is a danger (wrong word, perhaps) of the deceased partner becoming deified, for want of a better word. It must be very hard to live up to that example as a 2nd partner.

prettyfly1 · 05/08/2008 19:10

i would be happy with the rh but not her wearing her dead husbands ring. necklace or other hands fine - not the same ring.

BreeVanderCampLGJ · 05/08/2008 19:10
cocolepew · 05/08/2008 19:11

Could she not wear both? I wear 2 as I have my grans wedding ring.

MsDemeanor · 05/08/2008 19:12

I agree with those who suggest wearing the ring on her left hand as it is,or having it reset with a stone (maybe her late husband's birthstone?) and worn as a dress ring.

objectivity · 05/08/2008 19:13

There is NO WAY it is cool to use the dead man's ring in terms of this marriage.

NO WAY! No matter how laid back, super understanding Mr New Husband is. Jeezus!

objectivity · 05/08/2008 19:14

You can't combine that would be bigamy.

objectivity · 05/08/2008 19:15

Ring bigamy. Different to gay man bigamy which could also be termed ring bigamy...

NomDePlume · 05/08/2008 19:15

Eh ? Bigamy ?

Erm, nope.

DeeRiguer · 05/08/2008 19:16

i think she is a bit yabu actually
i can see husband-to-be pov

has she reallyy thought all this through, does she really want to or is ready to marry him?

its to show their commitment, it should signify them..

objectivity · 05/08/2008 19:16

Well not literally, but joining the rings???Do you think he wants to be joined symbolically in matrimony with the dead husband?Do you?

DeeRiguer · 05/08/2008 19:17

lol ring bigamy

troubledfriend · 05/08/2008 19:25

I don't think she is being unreasonable and would want to do the same

muppetgirl · 05/08/2008 19:28

MY bf's mum was widowed and married a widower. She wears her dh 1's ring on her right hand. They still talk openly about both deceased spouses to their children. There aren't photos up but they are in the children's bedrooms. Your friend has to come to a compromise; either wear the ring on the right hand or take it off. Wearing a wedding ring on your ring finger signifies the marriage you are in not your previous marriage. My bf's step dad even helps tend the grave of her dad so it is totally possible to honour what has gone on before, not forget your first love but also accept you have a new love in your life that needs celebrating.

Either that or she will breed resentment from dh2 about dh 1.