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Original poster

Youngish widow to remarry - what to do about rings?

43 replies

whatdayisit · 05/08/2008 18:38

I dear friend of mine, now in her early 40s, lost her husband a few years ago. She was desperately sad for a long time, but held it together (just) for her Dc's.

She is about to marry a divorcee, lovely man, he had an amicable divorce and has dc's similar ages to her (although they won't live with them) and is very good with her children. I am so happy for her.

only fly in the ointment is that she doesn't want to remove her dec'd husband's ring and the new husband wants her to wear "his" ring. She is not at all materialistic or showy where jewellery is concerned. She has a simple wedding band and doesn't see why she needs a new one. Does anyone have any suggestions?

I am sure she loves new man, but she will always love the father of her Dc's too.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 05/08/2008 19:29

I quite like the idea of melting i down and adding new gold to it to make a new ring. I think that would be a nice compromise.

My wedding ring is actually DH's grandma's (who died the eyar before I met him) wedding ring melted down and reformed, in a similar way to above.

I don't think it is unreasonable of the woman to want to retain her previous husband's ring but I do think it is unreasonable to suse this as her wedding ring in a second marriage.

warthog · 05/08/2008 19:32

i think it's totally not on to wear her dead husband's ring. sorry, but she's got to move on. she's making VOWS to her new husband, and i'm sure one of them isn't 'as long as my first dh is always remembered and held up as a paragon of perfection'.

my mum was widowed young and she put her rings away when she married my dad.

when he died, she melted both rings together.

how on earth can you embark on a fully committed relationship with another man's ring on your finger??

katz · 05/08/2008 19:39

when my mil remarried after ebing widowed she wore her and her dead husbands rings on her right hand and her new husbands ring on her left hand.

allergictohousework · 05/08/2008 19:41

I am a fellow young widow and I wholeheartedly agree with the main thrust of the posts here. It is really really really hard for anyone who has not gone through this to understand all the emotions and feelings and weird behaviour associated with being widowed, but what everyone here says, imo, is sensible and sensitive.

I agree that it is not fair to her fiance to ask him to accept the ring her husband gave her on their wedding day. That was a ring that was for that day and for their married life, and it is not a part of her new married life. Melt it for another piece of jewellery, wear it on a chain, on the right hand, resize and put it on another finger of the left hand ... all those things are reasonable, she cannot be expected to put her husband behind her entirely. But to incorporate it seems odd.

I'm not remarried or anywhere in that ballpark, so I might feel differently if I were in her shoes ... but expect not.

Original poster

whatdayisit · 05/08/2008 21:46

Thank you for all your very considered posts - not sure how I'm going to tell her I've been discussing her on MN TBH, but despite wanting very much to be on her side, I suspect you are all right and she needs to at the very least move it to another finger.

Her argument is that she has a lovely simple ring, any new ring she chose would be very similar, so why spend the money on something they don't need, when frankly, money is pretty tight, with 2 families to support. I don't know if that's a genuine argument, or an excuse not to remove DH1's ring TBH.

OP posts:

MsDemeanor · 05/08/2008 21:51

Why not ask her that then? ie the money thing, "is that the real reason? Because it clearly means a lot to your fiance, is it worth falling out over if it's really only about money? "

MERLYPUSS · 05/08/2008 22:19

My SIL had hers made into a locket and wears that.

lemonstartree · 05/08/2008 22:36

bloody hell

I am married to a widower and if he has insisted on continuing to wear his wedding ring from his previous marriage it would have been a deal breaker for me.

ffs she is marrying again, her first marriage is over (allbeit caused by the death of her husband....)...

no ?????

Fizzylemonade · 05/08/2008 22:52

I am sorry but a wedding ring can be as cheap or as expensive as you want it to be.

Whilst pregnant I could not wear my wedding ring or engagement ring because my hands were so swollen. I felt so lost without them that my lovely DH bought me a white gold (my "real" rings are gold) wedding ring from Argos for £20.

It wasn't the value of it, it was the thought behind it. I still have that white gold ring but I don't wear it, now having my hands back to normal size I can wear the ring given to me on my wedding day.

I agree with the other posters, it is unreasonable of your friend to still wear her first wedding ring on her ring finger, especially as her fiance is upset and wants her to wear a ring he has given her.

Original poster

whatdayisit · 05/08/2008 22:57

Yes fizzy, but that's part of her argument- she has a lovely 22 ct gold band, why would she want Dh2 to waste his money on a cheap one? Why should she wear an inferior ring, when she has a lovely one?

OP posts:

choosyfloosy · 05/08/2008 23:05

i surprise myself by how strongly i feel about this, and tbh i feel more than a bit sorry for her fiance (on this issue only, I'm sure she's lovely otherwise)

if the jewellery has any symbolic value to her at all, then she needs to wear a different ring on that finger

if she just wants to wear a nice ring (nothing wrong with that) then she should move it to another finger and not bother with another wedding ring at all - it's not compulsory

i am currently wearing the engagement ring from my first marriage as a downsized ring on my right little finger; i moved it only when i was ready to do so. if she's not ready to move hers, then she could consider putting off the wedding.

tbh i think she should take it off completely for a while.

oh dear i am judgy judgerson tonight.

ravenAK · 05/08/2008 23:18

I was a young widow, & am now re-married.

I had absolutely no wish to continue to wear my original ring - it lives in a box with other mementoes of dh1. I do wear one ring of sentimental value, on my right hand.

I'm in full agreement with choosyfloosy actually. What I did with my original rings is for me to decide, but not to wear them on my wedding day to a second husband - that should be about the new marriage.

wannaBe · 05/08/2008 23:28

I don't think she should be marrying this man.

I think this statement says it all:

"Why should she wear
an inferior ring, when she has a lovely one?"

If that is her view, then given the ring is symbolic of the relationship, it is quite clear that she sees this relationship as inferior to that with her dead husband.

Her new dh is clearly second best, and he shouldn't be.

I think the ring is part of a much bigger issue, and IMO this needs to be resolved before she considers marrying again.

ninedragons · 06/08/2008 03:36

The inferior ring thing is very loaded.

A cheap silver ring from a market stall would be superior to a platinum and diamond one from Cartier if my DH had bought me the former and anybody else on earth had bought me the latter.

If I were the new fiance I would find it deeply offensive.

eidsvold · 06/08/2008 03:54

what NDP said.

Very disrespectful towards the new husband to be.

Were I in the situation - I would put my rings from dh away ( I have three) and give them to the dds when they are old enough. I would then get a new one to symbolise my new marriage and the new stage of my life.

onlyjoking9329 · 06/08/2008 03:59

this is about more than a ring, I can understand her wanting to keep the ring but I think it shows disrespect to expect to be able to keep it on for her new wedding surely it is saying that she thinks her dead husband is more important than her new husband and his feelings.
I think she probably feels it would be disloyal to her first husband if she removes his ring, if she thinks that then she shouldn't be getting married again her second husband is never going to match up and he knows it.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 06/08/2008 05:17

can she 'give' the ring to her DC as a memory of their father and then put the ring somewhere safe for them?

assuming, as OJ says, that she really is ready to get married again

twentypence · 06/08/2008 05:24

I'm sure her new husband would be happier with no ring than what she is suggesting - which solves the money issue completely.

The first wedding ring should be kept safe for her dc, it should not be the property of the new relationship so that it doesn't end up with his dc should something happen to her.

Morbid, but reasonably important as anyone who has lost sentimental items because of a remarriage will testify.

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