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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

traded in for a 20 year old !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

109 replies

theboob · 05/08/2008 13:27

my dh and i were having a few problems,but had decided to work through them,he went to work on thursday night and never came back.......... he said he's been staying with a friend but after a b of digging i found out he was lying,he admited he has slept with someone and then took it back,but will not tell me where he is,i asked if it was this girl he says not,but i know her address and when i said i would go round to check he got all jumpy and said whats the point ,its none of my buisness,he works with her in the bar
so know im left heartbroken and crying while he is having the time of his life with fresh meat
i cant eat,or stop crying im a horrible mess and cant seem to pull myself together
has anyone else been through this and does it get better ?????????

OP posts:

EffiePerine · 05/08/2008 15:18

What a nasty situation he's put you in

Do you have any RL adult support - a friend who could come round, family you could stay with? You need someone with you to fight your corner.

AFAIK there's no reason to go to court (anbd it can be counterproductive) if you can both agree on access rights

you also need to sort out finances etc. - you need to go and see a solicitor. Can anyone recommend a good local one? Look after yourself and your family (i.e. the kids) first.

Original poster

theboob · 05/08/2008 15:23

i will speak to the kids but what do i say???????? i just cant find the words

OP posts:

charliecat · 05/08/2008 15:32

What has made him say he is going to take you to court for? To see them or try and get custody of them?

Original poster

theboob · 05/08/2008 15:35

to get more than at his mums,but i cant even think about sending them to him,at her flat at the moment

OP posts:

EffiePerine · 05/08/2008 15:37

too soon I would say. He has sprung this on you, he needs to wait a while for you to get your head around things. I would really recommend having someone to stay with you, or going off to stay with your mum or whoever for a few days. Being on your own and worrying is not good

charliecat · 05/08/2008 15:39

No I dont blame you really, but as long as they see daddy it doesnt matter where he sees them.
My x used to come here and I used to leave them here, would he/you do that or would it be too painful?

raggety · 05/08/2008 16:02

As others have said, the pain and shock at the moment will feel visceral. Like you've had your heart ripped out or someone is repeatedly kicking your stomach.
You will not be able to reconcile the man you love to bits and who is your best friend with the person who has done this to you. Your brain will keep thrashing away like a stuck computer trying to make sense of what has happened. You won't be able to.

It is very hard to continue with normal routines with children when you feel like this but of course you must try for their sake. What a bastard and a coward he is for doing this to his kids and leaving you to pick up the pieces! 'His rights'!!!*?!?!?

I don't know what would be best to say to your children (perhaps someone with relevant experience will come along soon to advise?)

I would probably say something along the lines of: 'Daddy has gone to stay with a friend, we're having some problems and I am upset. We are trying to sort it out but it will take time (regardless of what you intend to do).' That they don't need to worry, Mummy and Daddy are dealing with it...not their fault.
Something like that. They don't need to be told much at the moment, just some basic reassurance for the time being.

You will need help from those close to you. Try and get some time on your own if you can so that you have space to rage and cry without the children seeing. Cancel any appointments or arrangements that are unnecessary or that you don't want to go to. If all you can manage is to cuddle up on the sofa with your kids, watch a tv and order a pizza, then do that. The housework can wait a bit.

Alexa808 · 05/08/2008 16:18

Oh I understand B.

I had exactly the same with my ex. I kept making excuses to call. I kept asking 'why', 'is there someone else', I even flew to our hometown to have him explain things face to face. He got really cold and emotionally cruel, called our relationship 'a baddle apple' he had to 'throw away'.

He must be missing your dc. When the novelty and rose tinted glasses come off he'll be actuely aware of what he's lost. Don't underestate the guilt and remorse he will feel by then. The question is just: will you actually care?

I'm wishing you strength!

SofiaAmes · 05/08/2008 16:26

Maybe something along the lines of "Daddy and Mummy aren't going to live together anymore, but they still both really love you just as much. It's hard to do new things (just like starting a new school) and Mummy is trying very hard and sometimes she cries about it. But she still really loves you and so does daddy. If you are sad about it, please let me know and mummy will give you lots of big hugs to help."

And as hard as it is going to be...Please do not say anything negative about their father. It will only hurt them and not help you.

Sobernow · 05/08/2008 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alexa808 · 05/08/2008 16:41

TBH, I don't think I'd burden my child with my feelings (Mummy's crying...etc). It's a very biased approach and dragging them into it to feel your heartache just makes it worse for them!

If you have to say anything at all or if they are asking, I'd stick to the friend story. I also wouldn't say that Mummy and Daddy will not live together anymore... The poor little things, don't tell them too much. They'd be heartbroken before it's even reality.

CuckooClockWorkShy · 05/08/2008 16:46

I don't know what to say, but I have also looked at your profile and you hardly look a day over 20 yourself. You are very pretty and younglooking and your children are beautiful.

The only thing she has is that she's new. Fresh flesh. Men are simple souls. He WILL regret this. NO comfort now, because that won't happen until you realise you're better off on your own. Life can be easier on your own, honestly

I hope you get through this and aren't too miserable about it. Be strong. Hold on to your plans to be a nurse. Make the fekker commit to childminding NOW while he feels (perhaps?) a little guilty?

Original poster

theboob · 05/08/2008 17:16

have spoke to them,my dd has said daddy is poo and will i get a new one now,i have not said a bad word about him to them,my ds1 asked if i had a broken heart

OP posts:

raggety · 05/08/2008 17:20

Original poster

theboob · 05/08/2008 17:21

they dont understand,i never he wont live here anymore ,and explained daddy is not poo but silly sometimes and you dont just buy daddysat the shop,im 26 but at this moment in time i feel 100,she is fresh meat,without streach marks and boobs where they should be,i bf 3 dc ffs am starting to feel a little angry now bt hey its better than crying

OP posts:

Alexa808 · 05/08/2008 17:24

stirlingmum · 05/08/2008 17:35

In a way it is good that you are feeling angry. I know this is really difficult but try to let him see that you are getting on fine without him. Dont tell him you love him or beg him to return. This just pushes them further away.

Also, please look after yourself. I know from experience that you probably wont be eating but you are going to need your strength to get through this and to be there for your lovely dc.

ambercat · 05/08/2008 17:35

I was traded in for a 24 yr old who made him "realise what a relationship should be like!"

Hold on to your anger, it will help get you through this. I am 4 months down the line and still have days where i want to fall apart. BUT i am getting stronger and you will too.

You need to see a solicitor asap, it will help you to feel more in control and will probably scare the shit out of him!

ambercat · 05/08/2008 17:39

Agree about not begging etc, i have only just figured this out and feel like i am getting some of my self respect back. It confuses them if you are polite and non-emotional!

Original poster

theboob · 05/08/2008 17:39

oh god a solicitor its so final i dont think i could do that,have not contacted him and im off out tonight

OP posts:

Alexa808 · 05/08/2008 17:42

As sad and confusing as this all is, I agree with ambercat and others. Seeing a solicitor, armed with insuance docs, bank statements, legal docs, etc. will give you a new perspective and build up your armour against his threats.

He'll take you to court over what? Don't be bullied by him. Make sure you know where you stand.

Original poster

theboob · 05/08/2008 17:45

have hacked into his facebook account and removed messages i sent
go to court to see the kids on his terms

OP posts:

Alexa808 · 05/08/2008 17:48

how did u hack in...wld love to be able to do that.

CoteDAzur · 05/08/2008 17:57

He is an ass.

I agree with those who said "Hold onto your anger". Get a divorce lawyer right away. Put on your poker face whenever you deal with him. Don't break down, cry, or say you want him back. If there is any way he will come back, this is how you should approach him. Any neediness will make him run even further.

You should talk about this with your lawyer, but I think you should file for divorce, and quickly. In your place, I would somehow document that he has left the marital home and is now living with this girl.

The vindictive cow that I am, I would also empty joint bank account and move all other assets beyond his reach. You will probably need the money to look after your babies. Maybe selling his stuff on eBay might be a notch too far, but nothing wrong with telling him you put everything he owns on the street, and he might like to get them quickly before they disappear. See how his new girlfriend likes having all his stuff in her apartment.

charliecat · 05/08/2008 19:57

Yep, horse all his stuff out, all the fishing crappy SHITE they keep in the shed, the shoes, the ties, the things from 1978, get it all out, and get him to come get it.
See how appealing he is with all his SHITE.
Anger I agree is good. And you have every right to be.

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