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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

traded in for a 20 year old !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

109 replies

theboob · 05/08/2008 13:27

my dh and i were having a few problems,but had decided to work through them,he went to work on thursday night and never came back.......... he said he's been staying with a friend but after a b of digging i found out he was lying,he admited he has slept with someone and then took it back,but will not tell me where he is,i asked if it was this girl he says not,but i know her address and when i said i would go round to check he got all jumpy and said whats the point ,its none of my buisness,he works with her in the bar
so know im left heartbroken and crying while he is having the time of his life with fresh meat
i cant eat,or stop crying im a horrible mess and cant seem to pull myself together
has anyone else been through this and does it get better ?????????

OP posts:
Original poster
theboob · 05/08/2008 14:07

i dont know what i want,but i know i dont her to have him i prob would take him back to not give her the satisfaction but noure i could ever forgive him this

OP posts:
raggety · 05/08/2008 14:11

Are you saying you would be going to the bar where they work on your night out?!

ConstanceWearing · 05/08/2008 14:13

It horrible isn't it? Stuff you had planned that has been ruined, your DC's birthdays, yur wedding anniversary, all that sort of stuff - you don't know how to negotiate it at all.

Don't kiss goodby to nursing, it's your future. And your children's. Is the girls night planned at the pub where your dh works then?

ConstanceWearing · 05/08/2008 14:16

Agree with Raggety.

This is NOT about you. It doesn't make you crap and her fabulous. That thought tortured me for ages. It's not because she is better. She is actually a zero in the equation. She could have been ANYBODY. It's because of him, and his inability to remain committed to his family.

Original poster
theboob · 05/08/2008 14:17

no its on the same street i will stay clear and leave them too it,i wont give up my dream

OP posts:
SmallShips · 05/08/2008 14:18

What a horrible situation for you and your DC, but i agree with everything said, he'll probably come back with his tail between his legs, when he realises what hes left behind. Then its up to you what you do with him.
Take care of yourself.

Alexa808 · 05/08/2008 14:19

Hi there, so very sorry to read your story. Poor you. Have just looked at your profile, you and the kids look very lovely. I can't believe he'd throw that away for a tweeny.

Stirlingmum is very wise, I also don't think that the tartelet is going to stick around for very long.

Do not under any circumstances compare yourself to her. Younger isn't always better!! You are the mother of 3 gorgeous dc, you have been together for a long time, you are (from what I can see) beautiful and not on to compare yourself to someone else!! Stop it, NOW!

Original poster
theboob · 05/08/2008 14:19

thankyou

OP posts:
Twinkie01 · 05/08/2008 14:23

Bloody hell - what a cock he is being - I just looked at your profile too expecting to see something akin to the witch in snow white - you are beautiful - you seem of sound mind, you are educated and kind and funny - she is a little ball of air packaged quite nicely - that is all - she has no experience of life or love as you do.

Hang in there - things will get better but if he wants to come back you really have to decide whether you want him back and make sure you have him back under your rules.

Original poster
theboob · 05/08/2008 14:27

yes he is being a cock
i never thought he thought as little of me ,i would never in a million years have looked at another man,he is all i have ever know ,i have never been with anybody else and cant imagine my life without him and cant see a way forward at this moment in time

OP posts:
sketti · 05/08/2008 14:31

oh hunny, my heart bleeds for you!all i can promiss is that hel regret it oneday.one day hel be the one with nothing. you have ur 3 wonderful children.when you do get over as much as u can, youl be stronger for it.hes just wasted his life.20 year olds always get bored,keep strong, any women understands xxx

suwoo · 05/08/2008 14:36

This happened to my BF in December when she was 8 months pg with their 2nd child. She found the strength from somewhere and you will too. It is the men who have lost everything and her H is not at all happy although he likes to pretend he is with his bit of fluff. She is coming through the other side and is going out lots and toying with selling the house. When you look back at this terrible time in 6 months time- you will be on the other side and will no longer feel the dispair. Thinking of you.

Original poster
theboob · 05/08/2008 14:38

thankyou,i hope so

OP posts:
Twinkie01 · 05/08/2008 14:41

Boob - honey he isn't even thinking at the moment let alone thinking of you - all normal activity in his brain has ceased.

suwoo · 05/08/2008 14:45

Hey Booby, are you coming on the Manchester meetup?

Alexa808 · 05/08/2008 14:46

I really don't think he's gone yet. I think he'll come back, tail between his legs, begging forgiveness. Sex is one thing, but a marriage and 3 lovely dc are an entirely different thing.

Oh, I know how it feels, dear. The physical breaking of a heart, the pain (it felt so real, as if someone had stabbed me in the heart), the tears and nightmares, not eating, and so forth. My then (tosser) fiance ended our engagement by email. Having a piece of fluff on the side. All I had hoped for came crashing down. Not even a year later I met my now DH.

Be strong! Don't think of her. Push thoughts of the tartlet away when they come. She's not relevant. It doesn't matter what she thinks or feels. All that matters is you and your dc. If your H comes back, you will decide what happens. It's the loss of control, that has shellshocked you, too. Please give yourself time.

Could your dc stay with your Mum? And you go away for the WE? Or stay with close friend?

Original poster
theboob · 05/08/2008 14:58

cant bear to be away from dc at the moment ,as dont want him to think im losing it ,have managed to stop ringing him all the time,it got to the point he was canceling the call ,he told me do myself a favor ,i dont think he will be back

OP posts:
Vian · 05/08/2008 15:03

Another sick bastard who puts his dick above his babies. The muslim countries have the right idea when they stone people like him and his tart.

These stupid young girls who fall for these evil sick lying child abandoning selfish bastards and believe all their lies...they make me want to tear my hair out.

Original poster
theboob · 05/08/2008 15:08

he is going to take me to court for the kids ,dont know what he is going for,i have never said he cant see them,just it will have to be through his mother for now

OP posts:
princessglitter · 05/08/2008 15:08

I think that's a bit much, Vian

Twinkie1 · 05/08/2008 15:08

Sorry boob just got to say:

No matter what a knob he is he doesn't deserve to die nor does the poor woman who is probably deluded who is sleeping with him thinking she is the next love of his life (imagine it being your daughter falling for an older married man!) when he will either go back to Boob or be a serial shagger - Muslim countries do not have the right idea about this sort of thing at all!

Twinkie1 · 05/08/2008 15:10

Boob - it is normal that you being the main care giver in terms of hours he will get every other weekend and half the scvhool holidays.

You don't have to go to court at all though - just say he can have them at blah blah times until things calm down and you get your head around what has gone on and then you draw up a statement of arrangements which is signed by both of you before a solicitor.

moonmother · 05/08/2008 15:12

Oh theboob hugs to you,my ex left me with a 4 yr old and a 6 mth old for an 18 year old 4 years ago.
It hurts like hell,you imagine all what they're getting upto,that shes prettier,slimmer,etc etc , than you.When in fact ,they look foolish,trying to be something they're not= young again.

In time it will get easier,I know that doesn't help now,I begged and pleaded ,trying to get him back,eventually self -preservation set in.
I got myself together,made myself into the best person I could be, and started dating again.

4 years down the line I have the most wonderful partner , who is a dream with my dc,and has instilled my trust in men again.

My ex on the other hand,has just recently been dumped by his girlfriend(now 22), as he now can't keep up the pretence of being in his early 20's again (he's 32).

He is devastated,and was too upset to even tell our Dd ,when she asked whether they were going to see his girlfriend that weekend.

It may take time,but he will come to realise losing you and being a proper Dad to his Dc wasn't worth the fun he's having at the moment. By then you will be happier, settled and enjoying life and maybe ,love again.
And he will realise just what he's lost.

Original poster
theboob · 05/08/2008 15:13

the thought of that fills me with fear ,but i know your right

OP posts:
SofiaAmes · 05/08/2008 15:17

You need to speak to the kids and let them know what is going on. Imagine what must be going through their heads right now. And they are probably blaming it all on themselves. Please please please talk to them and try to be brave in front of them.

My first husband left me for a younger (and uglier!!!) girl years ago and then ended up cheating on her and having a child with a mistress when they were trying to get pregnant. I have a lovely dh now with 2 lovely children. It will get better, I promise. But please help your children right now because this is just as devastating for them and they will only think that they are the cause of mummy's unhappiness and daddy's leaving.