Should I be cross if DH went to lap dancing club?

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...and spent £60 on private dances (we aren't poor and he doesn't spend money on much that is frivolous).

Other people seem to think I should be cross but I can't see it. Am I being a mug? Is it a sign of disrespect?

He got a bit of female attention outside the marriage. He was consenting. They were consenting. I knew he was going there. There doesn't seem like there is a risk of him forming a relationship with the women but if a woman behaved that way with him in a regular nightclub that seems more of a threat to me.

He came home horny as hell and seemed like he had a good break from the stress of his job.

So being disrespectful when you buy a burger is the same as someone paying your employer the larger cut for you to remove your clothes? The burger seller does not have to, by job description, take abuse and disrespect from customers.
Just what is a fair rate to remove your clothes? Have sex and give away your self esteem?
I guess if you don't feel you have anything more valuable to offer then it's quite cheap?

You as in general, not personal.

I guess the point at which both parties forget that there is anything else about the person. Both accept that the women is a nice D cup with a tight and round arse, she girates better than the other woman whose breast sag a little. As opposed to the beautiful girl in the office who is brilliant at closing big deals, the girl who has massive breasts who has a sister and tells great jokes.... etc.

so am i a scumbag then because i have been to a lap danceing club ?

cool

paying the larger cut to the employer? i have no idea how spearmint rhinos works but im guessing like most other clubs the dancers pay a house fee at the start of night and what money they make is thiers.

average housefee is about £60 average wages at a massive club like spearmint rhino i expect about £200-£250 per night. who gets the bigger cut then? the dancer or the club owner?

actually I guess that makes me a scumbag myself

que sera sera

Twelvelegs: do you mean 'paying for sex' or are you claiming that sex workers are to blame for rape (rather than, er, the rapists). Because I've heard this particular shitty sexist argument before: that 'nice' women wouldn't get raped if it were not for 'bad' women engaging in either sex work or sexual exhibitionism, because the bad women tempt poor helpless uncontrollable men who aren't responsible for their actions, etc.

Well from what I have heard of from strippers, the men tell them how beautiful they are and act like gibbering school boys.

Of course there would be others that are disrespected by their 'clientele'.

I just don't think you can say all of these women are giving away their self esteem if such absolutes in life. I can fairly confidently say my self esteem would be more eroded by working at McDonalds.

Twelvelegs, when someone is paying a sex worker or stripper then they are only thinking about that worker in sexual terms: when you hire a taxi you only think about the driver in terms of whether he/she can get you home quickly, when you see a dentist you are not interested in what he/she thinks about anything apart from teeth. You seem to be another one who thinks that sex is so awful that women can't possibly not be disgusted by any reference to it.

sorry that was gibberish.

I just don't think you can say all of these women are giving away their self esteem as there arent such absolutes in life.

Serves me right for breastfeeding and defending strippers at the same time!

Hi Divastrop, I really don't feel my husband going to a lap dancing bar is a betrayal of trust or unfaithful to me or that it means he's having sex with someone else. I think that's a really strange definition of infidelity to be honest.

Dittany - no I don't think sexual jealousy has to play a part in relationships. The only reason it would as far as I'm concerned is if I found my husband was lying to me or being devious.

fatbob - I don't think you're a scumbag for what it's worth. Going to lap dancing clubs is really normal in my circles. All my male friends have been, because they've been on each other's stag do's. These are gentle and responsible men who make my female friends very happy and fulfilled. Or alternatively if you read this post there is a concentration of abusive, would be rapists in North London who bully and dominate women....

some men did unwittingly say disrectfull things to me such as "you dont have to do this job you know, you are such a nice, beautifull girl, move in with me and ill look after you, you will never have to work again" no thanks i can earn my own i dont have any inclination to become reliant on a man.

others were just disresectfull i.e. "ill give you £20 if you give me a handjob" ill give to £20 not to ask me that again. he apologised after that.

funnily enough the only people who ever called me a whore/slapper/tart etc. were women while on nights out in a bar very close to the club i worked in. woman actually disrespect strippers/sex workers far more than men ever do.

SGB, wrong on both counts. I am not so shallow that I don't listen to the taxi driver telling me about his busy day/family/traffic woes. I know where my dentist grew up and where her unusual name is from, in fact I see people as people not job title.
I don't think sex work is to blame for rape, the rapists are. However they are encouraging and part of a general errosion of the view of women.
Weird that because I would never sell my body that you may think I don't like sex or find it disgusting. I have a very active and varied sex life. The only break in frequent activity between myself and my DH is my three c-sections.

I love the way the people who think they know most about this have never been to/worked/ or known someone who works in the industry. Even when people who know the trade and speak up for the people in it, they get shot down by people with no idea, or get there ideas taken from hearsay or the press..

It would be like me posting in a thread about rocket engineering.. i have no idea how it all works other than i film i once saw.

PS: i salute all the dancers and ex dancers of mums net that have made many a stag do a happy stag do

And many a bride really disappointed with her choice, fatbob.
My DH has visited these establishments and will never again, he once went sober (two years into our relationship) on a stag do and thought it all pretty sad and pathetic. The men all outdoing eachother to be the most laddish, pretending that they're all having a great time, some embarrassed but most embarrassing. The women all looking a lot more rough than he remembered the years he went before when very drunk. He said it was really seedy.

have you ever been to one though?

maybe he just told you that and he did enjoy it?

Fatbob, he was sober and came home very early. I have a pretty honest realtionship and whilst I object to men going to these things I had not made my feelings very clear to my, then, boyfriend. He had gone just that once, at that point in our relationship, and it had never really been an issue.

so you have never been to one?

so you're opinion is based on hersay and what you may have read ?

Maybe you should get him to take you one weekend,

anyway im off home now. another hard day in the office. back off home now to tidy up before the better half gets home and shouts at me.

'Some people do seem to think that all male sexuality and sexual desire is inherently disgusting and threatening to women; that no 'proper' woman could be looked at lustfully by a man without wanting to be sick and bursting into tears and the women who don't express or display horror and revulsion at the thought of horny men in general must be mad or lying or too stupid to show the 'correct' reaction.
The myth that women will only trade sex for 'love' (rather than doing it for fun or for money of their own free will) is a deeply pernicious one that harms all genders as is the myth that men only profess love as a way of getting sex. Some people like to have lots of sex and don't take it very seriously, some people prefer love though not all of them think that love can only happen when partners own each others' sexualities.'

what has this to do with lap dancing clubs/brothels/strip clubs etc?this(i thought)is a discussion about men going to places to leer at/grope/fuck women for money,not about people's personal sex lives.

and why is it assumed that those of us who are against LD clubs are sexually repressed prudes who think sex is either dirty or should only be done with somebody you love?i certainly dont think that way.

But not all men Leer, grope, fuck at lap-dancing clubs. Infact I would imagine very few Grope as there are rules in these places. Nor do they Fuck.

infact the assumption that all men who go to lapdancing clubs are Leering, groping bastards is as stupid as suggesting that people who don't like lapdancing clubs sexually repressed prudes who think sex is either dirty or should only be done with somebody you love.

Exactly Beanieb, I think this is becoming very black and white!

Oh c'mon! LEERING! not all men sit at the front with their tongues out!

Of course it's wrong to say there's nothing sexual about lap-dancing - of course it's sexual, it's sexually arousing. Like porn, or adverts with pretty women in, or women in the street who walk by. Men are turned on visually more than women and it's a fact.