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[Kally]

I have been in a relationship now for over a year. I met current BF on a dating site (please, no sighs) as I don't club and pub and have been abroad for most of my life having returned recently to the UK after a 26 years marriage/divorce. I have my youngest child with me (DD 10). I chose the dating site because social circle very small and all married etc. OK, that aside, BF and I met and we really liked each other. Usual thing, spoke lots on msn, webcam, calls, etc etc. He always comes to me as he lives about 2 hours away, works crazy hours and comes whenever he gets tha chance. He's a moralistic, kind sweet man with values and restored my confidence in the opposite sex (having fallen in with a few cads after the divorce) (which is all in the past and on distant shores). He has a child of 5 that he is raising with scant support from his ex and has a child minder (which are always changing, they are usually from Eastern Europe and short stay here). He has brought his DS to stay on occassions (lovely lad)and they have a good bond and he's a good father.

BF told me he works in a well known IT company but has lately been having a lot of racial slurs etc (BF is black)and finally handed in resignation (not due to racial slurs but from frustration and discontent). Fair enough. He was home for 3 weeks waiting for some kind of resolution to job problems (suspension with pay). This week he told me he has decided to go and work in the famous burger joint (Golden Arches)even if it means flipping burgers. He went for one days orientation and started the next day. I thought this was very gallant of him, in order to give himself structure and a pay cheque and to feel useful, its a quick easy solution to get out and work. I see nothing wrong with this at all.
You're probably all thinking AND???? The thing is, I think he has always worked there, and he has fibbed about what he did (with posh IT Co.,) in order to impress me and now he sees that I am not the slightest way materialistic and into status symbol trips, he has decided to turn it around, say he left his previous job, and has started where he is now.
I can't ask him this, because if he has lied all along, why did he lie? and how would he get out of that, and now he knows I am who I am and not someone looking for a guy with a fat wage and prestigious job,... but even though I don't know for sure and either way it has its 'awwwwness' about it, I do feel confused by it all.

We have talked of moving in together and sharing our lives etc, but I am scared now, without even knowing if my doubts have grounds. What should I do? I have gone through questioning him in my head, asking in a nice way, and then I think, why should it bother me? The fact that he works wherever is of no importance, but what about if it is true, he has worked there all along, and yet told me work based IT stories of previous job...and its all fantasy. I don't know what to do yet feel my inner disquiet is going to ruin things. What shall I do?

[Kally]

Thanks all, thanks, you've been wonderful. I'll get this deed done. Hopefully sooner than later. I'll come back on and let you all know how it went. Hugs x. Cheers to the Mumsnetters. Eyes Forward, March!

[zippitippitoes]

have a lovely weekend

[warthog]

i agree talking to an ex is not a pleasant conversation. but i'm sure you will be able to judge the difference between bitterness from truth. imagine how many of us would have benefitted from such a conversation and saved a lot of grief...

but i can see it's not everyone's cup of tea.

[KiwiKat]

Kally, warning bells are going off for me too. Whether it's true or not, you have to look at whatever it was that first made you doubt his story. What were your warning bells? Trust is essential in a relationship, and if he has lied to you, even with good intentions, that immediately weakens that trust. What else may he have lied about?

The quickest (and cheapest!) way to clear this up once and for all is to ring his previous workplace and ask to speak to him, although I know you're not keen to do this. Perhaps your nephew, or someone else you trust, might do this for you? The company will either say that he no longer works there (meaning he hasn't lied), that no one by that name works there (he may or may not have lied) in which case you could ask whether he has now left the company, or that they know no one of that name (fairly clear but not 100% that he lied).

He will most likely be very hurt to find out you doubted him, if he's innocent, and if he's guilty, may not tell you the truth face to face, so do your best to sort this out before confronting him. Then you can either put this behind you and commit yourself to the relationship, or walk away.

[zippitippitoes]

i dont even know if my bf has had any porevious girlfriends

well i assume he has but ive never asked about them

[girlnextdoor]

zippi- this is hijacking the post, but I have to disagree with you over online dating- someone in my family does it and he is dead normal- just doesn't meet many single women through work, all friends married etc etc- too old at 45 for clubbing.

[zippitippitoes]

of course normal people do it

[zippitippitoes]

im going oput with one..he works in a mainly male environment

[girlnextdoor]

Kally PLEASE come back and tell us-we are all dying to know the truth- when you have had your chat.

[GrapeJelly]

I hope you get things sorted out, Kally and everything really is as innocent and truthful as you want it to be. I think the main mistake you've made is to not go and visit him for a weekend. I know you have problems with babysitting but something could have been arranged for one weekend- sleepover, take her with you. Long distance relationships can often be difficult. Let us know how the weekend goes!

[Kally]

I will for sure. Thanks everyone.