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Relationships

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86 replies

Kally · 31/07/2008 20:22

I have been in a relationship now for over a year. I met current BF on a dating site (please, no sighs) as I don't club and pub and have been abroad for most of my life having returned recently to the UK after a 26 years marriage/divorce. I have my youngest child with me (DD 10). I chose the dating site because social circle very small and all married etc. OK, that aside, BF and I met and we really liked each other. Usual thing, spoke lots on msn, webcam, calls, etc etc. He always comes to me as he lives about 2 hours away, works crazy hours and comes whenever he gets tha chance. He's a moralistic, kind sweet man with values and restored my confidence in the opposite sex (having fallen in with a few cads after the divorce) (which is all in the past and on distant shores). He has a child of 5 that he is raising with scant support from his ex and has a child minder (which are always changing, they are usually from Eastern Europe and short stay here). He has brought his DS to stay on occassions (lovely lad)and they have a good bond and he's a good father.

BF told me he works in a well known IT company but has lately been having a lot of racial slurs etc (BF is black)and finally handed in resignation (not due to racial slurs but from frustration and discontent). Fair enough. He was home for 3 weeks waiting for some kind of resolution to job problems (suspension with pay). This week he told me he has decided to go and work in the famous burger joint (Golden Arches)even if it means flipping burgers. He went for one days orientation and started the next day. I thought this was very gallant of him, in order to give himself structure and a pay cheque and to feel useful, its a quick easy solution to get out and work. I see nothing wrong with this at all.
You're probably all thinking AND???? The thing is, I think he has always worked there, and he has fibbed about what he did (with posh IT Co.,) in order to impress me and now he sees that I am not the slightest way materialistic and into status symbol trips, he has decided to turn it around, say he left his previous job, and has started where he is now.
I can't ask him this, because if he has lied all along, why did he lie? and how would he get out of that, and now he knows I am who I am and not someone looking for a guy with a fat wage and prestigious job,... but even though I don't know for sure and either way it has its 'awwwwness' about it, I do feel confused by it all.

We have talked of moving in together and sharing our lives etc, but I am scared now, without even knowing if my doubts have grounds. What should I do? I have gone through questioning him in my head, asking in a nice way, and then I think, why should it bother me? The fact that he works wherever is of no importance, but what about if it is true, he has worked there all along, and yet told me work based IT stories of previous job...and its all fantasy. I don't know what to do yet feel my inner disquiet is going to ruin things. What shall I do?

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Kally · 02/08/2008 20:57

I will for sure. Thanks everyone.

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GrapeJelly · 02/08/2008 19:12

I hope you get things sorted out, Kally and everything really is as innocent and truthful as you want it to be. I think the main mistake you've made is to not go and visit him for a weekend. I know you have problems with babysitting but something could have been arranged for one weekend- sleepover, take her with you. Long distance relationships can often be difficult. Let us know how the weekend goes!

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girlnextdoor · 02/08/2008 17:05

Kally PLEASE come back and tell us-we are all dying to know the truth- when you have had your chat.

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zippitippitoes · 02/08/2008 16:56

im going oput with one..he works in a mainly male environment

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zippitippitoes · 02/08/2008 16:55

of course normal people do it

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girlnextdoor · 02/08/2008 16:54

zippi- this is hijacking the post, but I have to disagree with you over online dating- someone in my family does it and he is dead normal- just doesn't meet many single women through work, all friends married etc etc- too old at 45 for clubbing.

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zippitippitoes · 02/08/2008 16:34

i dont even know if my bf has had any porevious girlfriends

well i assume he has but ive never asked about them

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KiwiKat · 02/08/2008 16:33

Kally, warning bells are going off for me too. Whether it's true or not, you have to look at whatever it was that first made you doubt his story. What were your warning bells? Trust is essential in a relationship, and if he has lied to you, even with good intentions, that immediately weakens that trust. What else may he have lied about?

The quickest (and cheapest!) way to clear this up once and for all is to ring his previous workplace and ask to speak to him, although I know you're not keen to do this. Perhaps your nephew, or someone else you trust, might do this for you? The company will either say that he no longer works there (meaning he hasn't lied), that no one by that name works there (he may or may not have lied) in which case you could ask whether he has now left the company, or that they know no one of that name (fairly clear but not 100% that he lied).

He will most likely be very hurt to find out you doubted him, if he's innocent, and if he's guilty, may not tell you the truth face to face, so do your best to sort this out before confronting him. Then you can either put this behind you and commit yourself to the relationship, or walk away.

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warthog · 02/08/2008 16:32

i agree talking to an ex is not a pleasant conversation. but i'm sure you will be able to judge the difference between bitterness from truth. imagine how many of us would have benefitted from such a conversation and saved a lot of grief...

but i can see it's not everyone's cup of tea.

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zippitippitoes · 02/08/2008 16:28

have a lovely weekend

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Kally · 02/08/2008 16:27

Thanks all, thanks, you've been wonderful. I'll get this deed done. Hopefully sooner than later. I'll come back on and let you all know how it went. Hugs x. Cheers to the Mumsnetters. Eyes Forward, March!

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zippitippitoes · 02/08/2008 16:25

oh im not dissing it

i am 51 with a bf i met online too

and he lives a 100 miles away

but i think there isz more potential for the unknown and the starnge than if you meet through work or friends or even evening classes

so yes i can understand completely the appeal of online dating i wouldnt have met anyone otherwise

and definitely not anyone like my bf

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Kally · 02/08/2008 16:20

Why do you think that zippi? I tried the 'scene' but at my age (51 now) its ridiculous, and I was so alone here and of a different 'mentality' having lived so far away for so long. I don't drink, (clubbing?) and stuff, no big bunch of freinds for dutch courage.. I still look good and people don't ever think I am 51, but thats besides the point. Online was fine for me, I managed to meet quite a few nice men, but weedled them all down. I dated another guy for about 4 months, whom I met when out at a pub with brother, and his whole life was open before me, but lo and behold, his girlfriend lived across the road from him... one he'd been with for quite a few years and she was sick with MS or something. I felt awful. I was his goodtime girl (when she was having her bad days and couldn't get out of bed to look across the road) imagine how that felt? I was mortified. (DD never met him and I'm so glad, this was always on his turf) so... you see?
Online doesn't suit everyone and there are a lot of weirdo's, but for lonely small social circle people with kids, stuck indoors, like me and BF... it worked. I used to love getting in from work, having supper etc, and get online and chat with him for hours about everything. We still do... we always have lots to talk about and share...
Its maybe not todays average lifestyle that I lead, pubs, clubs, drinking... I see from around me most do that..I'm just not into it. Neighbours/DD's friends mums have asked me out for this or that, but it generally turns into a binge and I feel like a total twat as everyone disintigrates around me. (My brother says having a T-total sister is boring (just in joke) but the drink scene is scary in UK, I'm just not motivated to get into it. Lucky for me, and one of the reasons we found things in common is that we are both boring old T-totals. Prefer going for a walk and an icecream on the beach ha ha ha.. So ok, maybe I am different from the norm... I get your point.

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ConstanceWearing · 02/08/2008 16:18

Go, Kally, and see if it can put your mind at rest.

Hope things turn out for the best .

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zippitippitoes · 02/08/2008 16:08

as people say on mn they are ex for a reason they arent going to give you a grewat reference

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Kally · 02/08/2008 16:06

No, I wouldn't do that. What would it give me. I wouldn't want anyone to talk to my ex about me... (ugh the thought). (Not that I have anything to hide)

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zippitippitoes · 02/08/2008 16:06

i cant imagine speaking to someones ex

i think if you meet online dating you do have to be abit circumspect

but i also think that people online dating are often different from the norm

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warthog · 02/08/2008 16:04

can you speak to the ex? say your relationship is becoming more serious, and since you will get to know his son better perhaps she wouldn't mind chatting to you?

i'd want to know why his relationship with her didn't work (from her side, not his).

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Kally · 02/08/2008 16:02

Just to say, thanks for your responses, suggestions and input. They have helped me clarify this in my head and proportionalise it. I may be totally out of order denying him the right to be an individualist and GO work at McD's... but you have also made me inspect my lack of trust and why I would think such a thing in the first place. You are great.

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zippitippitoes · 02/08/2008 16:01

i thought you nsaid he had a mortgage but it must have been someone else assuming

well i think lives can be quite odd

lots of stuff in my life is and has been the stuff of movies i think

i was dead curious to see where my bf lives

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Kally · 02/08/2008 15:56

zippi - not 'over curious' about house and what he has or doesnt have, but curious to see him relaxed and in his own surroundings, yes... wondered what he looks like making a coffee etc .. he he he... but then I have seen him fussing about on webcam..(I know its not the same)...(he doesn't own this house, it's rented) (many here assume he owns his house, he doesn't). (I don't either)...

I know from my own experience that I appear also to have come out of nowhere.. my life abroad made me like an total newcomer and at first, apart from my brother and his family and a few old friends busy with their lives mostly, I was quite alone here. I don't live close to my family, but within train distance, so my life is quite 'bare' too. People can be like that. I think his ex's family are around, but he doesn't hang out with them, they just help him out with DS now and then, the EW doesn't hardly have DS, sometimes at weekends (when BF comes to me). My EH is not in UK.. so I don't have the 'luxury' of DD being away from me. That is how come he always comes to me.

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zippitippitoes · 02/08/2008 15:30

yes you could

havent you been curious to go and see his house and where he lives?

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Kally · 02/08/2008 15:30

But you have all made me think... perhaps the McD's thing is his 'right to do as he pleases' perhaps my thinking he's been lieing is unfair, perhaps he just wanted to look good and it got to complicated and he decided to pop that image once and for all. (That is what worried me)it kind of goes against all his values (the values that I love about him). Please God may it be the simple fact he's had enough of IT for a spell, and he simply wanted a rest bite thing from all the mess up he went through recently.

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Alexa808 · 02/08/2008 15:28

Amen. GrapeJelly sums it up really.

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Kally · 02/08/2008 15:24

I know he seems so NICE. But he is.. I would not have been unsettled about this apart from the fact that he went and blew up his IT job and went to work in McD's. Things like this don't happen - do they!!!! (Only in movies)..
That is why I have shared this. Noone has said 'oh but.. my friend was a Dr... and she went to stack shelves at a supermarket as she was fedup with moaning patients' (IYSWIM)
All the doubt has popped up because it don't fit... The rest, the fact that I haven't been to his house, met family or whatever is really sideline stuff that some would, and some wouldn't, tolerate. I have tolerated it, but my intentions are to change that. Something him and I are aware of needs to be sorted. It is a long distance thing, one that I didn't want to begin with, but his persistance kept it going. He really has made all the effort. He once said to me after a bit of a bicker about my lack of insight into his life, 'why don't you show some initiative and get yourself up to me' and I then thought.. maybe I have shown lack of initiative... but a few months have gone by and we're still the same. Maybe I should just do that now the hols are here. Just say, me and DD are coming up on , say, Friday... Maybe I should... I will.

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