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[Kally]

I have been in a relationship now for over a year. I met current BF on a dating site (please, no sighs) as I don't club and pub and have been abroad for most of my life having returned recently to the UK after a 26 years marriage/divorce. I have my youngest child with me (DD 10). I chose the dating site because social circle very small and all married etc. OK, that aside, BF and I met and we really liked each other. Usual thing, spoke lots on msn, webcam, calls, etc etc. He always comes to me as he lives about 2 hours away, works crazy hours and comes whenever he gets tha chance. He's a moralistic, kind sweet man with values and restored my confidence in the opposite sex (having fallen in with a few cads after the divorce) (which is all in the past and on distant shores). He has a child of 5 that he is raising with scant support from his ex and has a child minder (which are always changing, they are usually from Eastern Europe and short stay here). He has brought his DS to stay on occassions (lovely lad)and they have a good bond and he's a good father.

BF told me he works in a well known IT company but has lately been having a lot of racial slurs etc (BF is black)and finally handed in resignation (not due to racial slurs but from frustration and discontent). Fair enough. He was home for 3 weeks waiting for some kind of resolution to job problems (suspension with pay). This week he told me he has decided to go and work in the famous burger joint (Golden Arches)even if it means flipping burgers. He went for one days orientation and started the next day. I thought this was very gallant of him, in order to give himself structure and a pay cheque and to feel useful, its a quick easy solution to get out and work. I see nothing wrong with this at all.
You're probably all thinking AND???? The thing is, I think he has always worked there, and he has fibbed about what he did (with posh IT Co.,) in order to impress me and now he sees that I am not the slightest way materialistic and into status symbol trips, he has decided to turn it around, say he left his previous job, and has started where he is now.
I can't ask him this, because if he has lied all along, why did he lie? and how would he get out of that, and now he knows I am who I am and not someone looking for a guy with a fat wage and prestigious job,... but even though I don't know for sure and either way it has its 'awwwwness' about it, I do feel confused by it all.

We have talked of moving in together and sharing our lives etc, but I am scared now, without even knowing if my doubts have grounds. What should I do? I have gone through questioning him in my head, asking in a nice way, and then I think, why should it bother me? The fact that he works wherever is of no importance, but what about if it is true, he has worked there all along, and yet told me work based IT stories of previous job...and its all fantasy. I don't know what to do yet feel my inner disquiet is going to ruin things. What shall I do?

I think 2 things are odd about this man:

1. You haven't met any of his friends and family and you haven't seen his home. This suggests that he's hiding something.

1. I have friends and family who work in IT and cannot see any of them giving up their jobs to work in a burger bar. They've always used agencies and trade journals to find new jobs in a relevant IT field. They also have their college/uni qualifications before they start a job. Working with SAP (software used by large companies) is quite a responsible position and an unqualified person would not be able to maintain a company's SAP network whilst working towards the relevant exams .

Is he a burger flipper who hopes to work in IT one day and has been attending a part time course to get a basic level qual. in IT?

Mobile phone story is weird though. Never heard of that before. In my prev. company all the techies are tooled up to the nines at ALL TIMES. We called them the gadget frogs

I worked on a trading floor and wasn't allowed a mobile because they're not wired, so my convos weren't taped and that's illegal. (Could have given someone insider tipps or done deals on the side, so def. a no no.)

In shift work and blue collar jobs you're normally not allowed mobile phones due to injury risk and well, loss of production time. Be careful!!

GrapeJelly says something which is very true: most IT workers have a network of colleagues, mates in IT. They prod them for jobs if a position turns sour.

I worked for bank x, had I been looking for another job I'd have asked a mate in bank y or broker z for contacts and an interview. I would have never had they idea to work in any other field.

Agree with Alexa about the phone- the IT dept. are always one of the easiest people to get hold of in any corporate environment whereas b c workers are not allowed to have them on their shifts. If I couldn't get hold of someone during working hours I'd assume they're not working in an office.

i have read all this

i think it sounds like he is hiding something

i would be careful

it is very starnge you have never been to his place and conveniently his family live in the us

it does sound like you know almost nothing about him which after a year is very odd as normally you would have got to know quite a lot

i would be very cautious

Also agree with warthog on 1 major thing. The guy sounds nice as pie.

If he is deceiving you, no matter how small his lie, how can his conscience allow it? I'd be so darn careful!!! People can smile at you and pull you close, only to stab you in the back IYSWIM. I'm exaggerating now, but you know how when you're really close to a person your ability to judge totally vanishes.

i think it does sound as tho he has worked in mcds all along

in which case there is some kind of question around how he comes to own a house...if he definitely does

if he was a manager at mcds he would have said so

there must be some kind of back story why he has a low paid job at 40

not necessarily anything wrong with having a poorl;y paid job but definitely something to find out as to why he is in that situation

being nice is lovely but you are wise to delve a bit

im not surprised you didnt have a number for him at work tho or the need to cal him there

If he was working out field he would call ad lib, he would tell me 'I'm at such and such so you can get hold of me if you want'..he said he used to run systems for big departmental projects(ie M+S) If they were building a new branch they would do all the initial 'layers' of pre build etc. Then if they made inner store changes, they would be brought in to layout changes in the 'virtual'.. (its all a bit out of my head, but can see idea sort of thing).
I must add that he did talk about meeting a guy from his parish who is in the IT field, and that is where this pending job in October has come from, so he did do a bit of sourcing amongst his techies.

He does have a posh super duper mobile, and the one he gave me is far better than the one I had...(with regards to techiness and their gadgets). He types very fast and when we're surfing on my pc he is very 'at home' but then today?... who isn't?

He was better off financially at the start of the year) but foresaw hardship pending. He has not asked me for money ever, apart from when desparate to come to me but couldnt scrape it together for fare (usually week before payday) (understandable).He always says, I have my gas direct debit (or whatever and I cannot dig into this).. very matter of fact about asking. But really, this is not often. Also he has 'dug' into it before now and come to me and then laughed about paying the bill later etc and it was worth the consequences.. So in all fairness.

As for the SAP, that is what I worked on in previous country of residence,(not maintaining, but that was the data base we used) but due to my new situation, along with child etc, I couldn't even think of doing the hours required and have taken my life down to a low level of existance until DD is older and more independant. But by the time I get back into fulltime work I am sure I will be outdated..I held down a very high pressured job abroad (back then) but realised that if I left DD for so many hours I would end up making her very miserable. She was having trouble after divorce situation etc. Him and I often discussed the fact that I sacrificed this career and he admires me for it. To me it was just natural, (and I have no regrets). She needed balance and my comfort, but I couldn't give it to her if I was constantly at work.... Maybe he's trying it for himself now? He always says that he is amazed at my coping skills. When I lost my job recently, he seemed more gutted than me. But to me it was just another obstacle to get through as best I can. I even said that maybe I'll get a job at McD's if they are so flexible, as to which he highly recommended and said that the flexi hours and benefits are good for single parents. He said the banter and industrious attitude at McD's is one to be complimented. See? All positive.

(He didn't work on SAP, but knew of it, thats the extent of our shared IT experiences).

Of course I would not move in with him, until I have been to his place. I wouldn't leave and uproot my DD anyway, she has had enough upheaval last 3 years. He knows this and we 'talked' of renting a bigger place in my area, (but all in the future) (no pressure or anything, its just we both need to envisage the end product I guess) He said he can comute if required, as I live close to train station. (This was before he changed job). He he he... Now of course I have a McD's right on my door step...(that is mocking and unfair but I couldn't resist it!).
I never suggested I would be prepared to move to his town. He was cool about that and respected my reasons. said he felt my town was lovely found it a comfort zone where he loved to come to. He says he feels happy inside when he gets off the train and cycles up to my house.

Another thing to bear in mind Kally is that the biggest conmen are almost always described by their victims as "kind, lovely, caring, attentive, thoughtful," etc. The BIG problem is that he isn't being completely open with you and there are lots of hidden areas to his life.

There are lots of wonderful, trustworthy men out there who aren't perfect and "too good to be true" but the good ones all share one thing in common- there are no "locked doors" in their lives and their wives and girlfriends are not kept at arms length from their jobs/homes/families.

In a new relationship, by the end of six months I would expect to have talked (phone or face to face) to at least one member of his family, met at least one friend and to have visited his home and stayed over night at least 2 or 3 times.

I'd be less worried about the lack of contact with his family, friends and job if he lived close by. Not everyone has close family or lots of friends and some workplaces discourage outside contact during working hours but the worrying thing is that so much of his life is unseen by you.

well he sounds quite convincing but then he would

i would just find it strange not to have seen him in his own home or in his own town

if he had his own homew he would want you to see it

and also most people would like you to come to them some of the time

i hope there is nothing untoward to find out tho

I know he seems so NICE. But he is.. I would not have been unsettled about this apart from the fact that he went and blew up his IT job and went to work in McD's. Things like this don't happen - do they!!!! (Only in movies)..
That is why I have shared this. Noone has said 'oh but.. my friend was a Dr... and she went to stack shelves at a supermarket as she was fedup with moaning patients' (IYSWIM)
All the doubt has popped up because it don't fit... The rest, the fact that I haven't been to his house, met family or whatever is really sideline stuff that some would, and some wouldn't, tolerate. I have tolerated it, but my intentions are to change that. Something him and I are aware of needs to be sorted. It is a long distance thing, one that I didn't want to begin with, but his persistance kept it going. He really has made all the effort. He once said to me after a bit of a bicker about my lack of insight into his life, 'why don't you show some initiative and get yourself up to me' and I then thought.. maybe I have shown lack of initiative... but a few months have gone by and we're still the same. Maybe I should just do that now the hols are here. Just say, me and DD are coming up on , say, Friday... Maybe I should... I will.

Amen. GrapeJelly sums it up really.

But you have all made me think... perhaps the McD's thing is his 'right to do as he pleases' perhaps my thinking he's been lieing is unfair, perhaps he just wanted to look good and it got to complicated and he decided to pop that image once and for all. (That is what worried me)it kind of goes against all his values (the values that I love about him). Please God may it be the simple fact he's had enough of IT for a spell, and he simply wanted a rest bite thing from all the mess up he went through recently.

yes you could

havent you been curious to go and see his house and where he lives?

zippi - not 'over curious' about house and what he has or doesnt have, but curious to see him relaxed and in his own surroundings, yes... wondered what he looks like making a coffee etc .. he he he... but then I have seen him fussing about on webcam..(I know its not the same)...(he doesn't own this house, it's rented) (many here assume he owns his house, he doesn't). (I don't either)...

I know from my own experience that I appear also to have come out of nowhere.. my life abroad made me like an total newcomer and at first, apart from my brother and his family and a few old friends busy with their lives mostly, I was quite alone here. I don't live close to my family, but within train distance, so my life is quite 'bare' too. People can be like that. I think his ex's family are around, but he doesn't hang out with them, they just help him out with DS now and then, the EW doesn't hardly have DS, sometimes at weekends (when BF comes to me). My EH is not in UK.. so I don't have the 'luxury' of DD being away from me. That is how come he always comes to me.

i thought you nsaid he had a mortgage but it must have been someone else assuming

well i think lives can be quite odd

lots of stuff in my life is and has been the stuff of movies i think

i was dead curious to see where my bf lives

Just to say, thanks for your responses, suggestions and input. They have helped me clarify this in my head and proportionalise it. I may be totally out of order denying him the right to be an individualist and GO work at McD's... but you have also made me inspect my lack of trust and why I would think such a thing in the first place. You are great.

can you speak to the ex? say your relationship is becoming more serious, and since you will get to know his son better perhaps she wouldn't mind chatting to you?

i'd want to know why his relationship with her didn't work (from her side, not his).

i cant imagine speaking to someones ex

i think if you meet online dating you do have to be abit circumspect

but i also think that people online dating are often different from the norm

No, I wouldn't do that. What would it give me. I wouldn't want anyone to talk to my ex about me... (ugh the thought). (Not that I have anything to hide)

as people say on mn they are ex for a reason they arent going to give you a grewat reference

Go, Kally, and see if it can put your mind at rest.

Hope things turn out for the best .

Why do you think that zippi? I tried the 'scene' but at my age (51 now) its ridiculous, and I was so alone here and of a different 'mentality' having lived so far away for so long. I don't drink, (clubbing?) and stuff, no big bunch of freinds for dutch courage.. I still look good and people don't ever think I am 51, but thats besides the point. Online was fine for me, I managed to meet quite a few nice men, but weedled them all down. I dated another guy for about 4 months, whom I met when out at a pub with brother, and his whole life was open before me, but lo and behold, his girlfriend lived across the road from him... one he'd been with for quite a few years and she was sick with MS or something. I felt awful. I was his goodtime girl (when she was having her bad days and couldn't get out of bed to look across the road) imagine how that felt? I was mortified. (DD never met him and I'm so glad, this was always on his turf) so... you see?
Online doesn't suit everyone and there are a lot of weirdo's, but for lonely small social circle people with kids, stuck indoors, like me and BF... it worked. I used to love getting in from work, having supper etc, and get online and chat with him for hours about everything. We still do... we always have lots to talk about and share...
Its maybe not todays average lifestyle that I lead, pubs, clubs, drinking... I see from around me most do that..I'm just not into it. Neighbours/DD's friends mums have asked me out for this or that, but it generally turns into a binge and I feel like a total twat as everyone disintigrates around me. (My brother says having a T-total sister is boring (just in joke) but the drink scene is scary in UK, I'm just not motivated to get into it. Lucky for me, and one of the reasons we found things in common is that we are both boring old T-totals. Prefer going for a walk and an icecream on the beach ha ha ha.. So ok, maybe I am different from the norm... I get your point.

oh im not dissing it

i am 51 with a bf i met online too

and he lives a 100 miles away

but i think there isz more potential for the unknown and the starnge than if you meet through work or friends or even evening classes

so yes i can understand completely the appeal of online dating i wouldnt have met anyone otherwise

and definitely not anyone like my bf