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[Kally]

I have been in a relationship now for over a year. I met current BF on a dating site (please, no sighs) as I don't club and pub and have been abroad for most of my life having returned recently to the UK after a 26 years marriage/divorce. I have my youngest child with me (DD 10). I chose the dating site because social circle very small and all married etc. OK, that aside, BF and I met and we really liked each other. Usual thing, spoke lots on msn, webcam, calls, etc etc. He always comes to me as he lives about 2 hours away, works crazy hours and comes whenever he gets tha chance. He's a moralistic, kind sweet man with values and restored my confidence in the opposite sex (having fallen in with a few cads after the divorce) (which is all in the past and on distant shores). He has a child of 5 that he is raising with scant support from his ex and has a child minder (which are always changing, they are usually from Eastern Europe and short stay here). He has brought his DS to stay on occassions (lovely lad)and they have a good bond and he's a good father.

BF told me he works in a well known IT company but has lately been having a lot of racial slurs etc (BF is black)and finally handed in resignation (not due to racial slurs but from frustration and discontent). Fair enough. He was home for 3 weeks waiting for some kind of resolution to job problems (suspension with pay). This week he told me he has decided to go and work in the famous burger joint (Golden Arches)even if it means flipping burgers. He went for one days orientation and started the next day. I thought this was very gallant of him, in order to give himself structure and a pay cheque and to feel useful, its a quick easy solution to get out and work. I see nothing wrong with this at all.
You're probably all thinking AND???? The thing is, I think he has always worked there, and he has fibbed about what he did (with posh IT Co.,) in order to impress me and now he sees that I am not the slightest way materialistic and into status symbol trips, he has decided to turn it around, say he left his previous job, and has started where he is now.
I can't ask him this, because if he has lied all along, why did he lie? and how would he get out of that, and now he knows I am who I am and not someone looking for a guy with a fat wage and prestigious job,... but even though I don't know for sure and either way it has its 'awwwwness' about it, I do feel confused by it all.

We have talked of moving in together and sharing our lives etc, but I am scared now, without even knowing if my doubts have grounds. What should I do? I have gone through questioning him in my head, asking in a nice way, and then I think, why should it bother me? The fact that he works wherever is of no importance, but what about if it is true, he has worked there all along, and yet told me work based IT stories of previous job...and its all fantasy. I don't know what to do yet feel my inner disquiet is going to ruin things. What shall I do?

Kally- I DO feel for you, really...but at the same time you seem a little bit naive and vulnerable

How can you know a man for a year(?) and never see where he lives? He doesn't come by car- he uses a train- can't you too?

What do you do when he comes ? Do you go out or is it all domesticity at your place?

I am trying to get a clearer picture- maybe you can fill me in a bit and answer some of the other points from my post? I am only trying to help

Can't you see that this looks one-sided in some respects even if you take out the job-change situation?

He had just been paid when he bought DD the ipod. Only occasionally I pay for his fare, (not everyone has free flow cash constantly). That I know about from my own situation as a single parent.
We don't really go out much, just on walks to the beach and stuff, neither of us are drinkers/clubbers. He treats me wonderfully, and no, he could get sex at the drop of a hat, he's 10 years my junior, altho I feel I am his junior in ways, he's a bit old fashioned and staid, so to speak. (He wouldn't have to travel 2 hours by train, rain or shine for a shag, c'mon!)I've been around the world and lived in 3 different countries and cultures, I am not a foolish person. Just perplexed and wish I could understand why someone would be embaressed about saying at the offset that he worked in McD's. But as many have pointed out, it's a status thing for a guy to have a good wellpaid prestigious job.

kally- don't be offended- no-one said you were foolish- I just said that you perhaps are taking a lot on trust without actually seeing things for yourself.

what do you think you will do? ask him outright?

I think you should also ask why HE thinks you cannot see what is going on. Surely he must wonder if you fallen for his tale hook line and sinker- or if you are suspicious?

I know this is hard for you when you care for this guy, but you do seem to be defending him an awful lot here, even when you know something's not right and you asked for help.

There have been times when I have got very frustrated at this tunnel vision relationship, him only coming here and me never going there, knowing very little or only what he tells me. I have told him its frustrating me that its only 2 dimensional. I have spoken clearly and straight about this and he has always said there is nothing to hide and that I can come whenever I like. Just, never did. I have even slung in the hook and said I wanted to finish this relationship as I felt it was unsatisfactory (earlier on) but he is always calm and sweet and puts out the fire and we stay on track. He does love me, he has said way before I did about his feelings for me, as I have been through the grinder and was scared of 'feelings'. But his consistency doesn't match this latest job change. He is a very consistent person, very solid. Not a charmer and a fast talker or wheeler dealer.. I have had some of those and he does not have those traits at all. It is sooooo confusing.

I think when I next see him, I will ask him outright. If he has fibbed, then I have every right to make him aware of the fact that I am not stupid. If he gets annoyed and angry and wants to finish it, then I am not a looser and better off without him. If he succumbs and admits, or proves to me somehow all is true and he simply wanted a change, then well, he'll have to forgive me for being 'neurotic' and if he can't forgive me then again... no loss.

oh kally- maybe he is a really clever charmer and he knows that you would not be fooled by him being a typical smooth talker-maybe the way he placates you works, as he knows that is what you will respond to?

You obviously have your doubts. If I were you, I would want to see his home, no matter how far away or how much effort it took to get there- without that I just feel I wouldn't know him.

Either way its got to come out.

good luck- the only way to find out IS to ask him. depending on his response, you might forgive him, or you might not.

oh crikey. Kally, I have a huge red light about this.

• you've never met his friends or his family
• you've never seen his house
• you're not sure whether he really had the IT job

Please have the conversation with him. If you do and he has fibbed, you may be able to work it out. If you don't, you'll never be sure.

I will definately. Most would have a redlite about this. My close friends that have met him say he's a lovely guy, which he is, there is nothing inconsistant about his behaviour towards us. Just this. And if it was borne out of wanting to make an impression and feelings of inadequacy, then I can forgive that and admire him wanting to straighten it out into the reality that it is. But I do want im to know I am aware of this. I will sit and talk with him, and have it out. Otherwise I know it will ruin us, and that's a shame. Imagine if you had lied about the status of your job, it would lead to all sorts of scenarios that would withhold a visit, meeting friends, getting close to his life... I know he wants us to be closer and I think now he realises that, but he has to make some changes first. I cannot let this pass by unmentioned and I am sure it will take a lot of pressure off both of us.

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No man would take racial slurs at work and not retaliate or strike back. 'Tis just not logical. Even the most harmless softie is stil a man and has an ego. In nowadays Britain he'd have a 110% chance of getting a handsome payout or at least the racist fired.

I have a not so good feeling with this...small money for train tickets, etc. Those sort of men always start somewhere. My ex started with train tickets, then it was me taking him out, then buying rings from my money, then opening a mobile phone contract for him because he said he had problems due to past relationship mad ex living with him. Because it was such a drip feed of small lies I was hooked as he seemed kind and gentle. Then one day I couldn't reach him and when I rang his best friend the guy told me he's in prison , I still don't know why. It was only a few weeks. I think he was on army training (compulsory in Germany) and just didn't return from a weekend off. Or maybe it was his debt. Either way, it was everyone else's fault. I felt so stupid, so used. I didn't want to seem disloyal and thought I should stick around. Within less than a year he became controlling and manic, I hated every second with him when he was like that. Then I got a scholarship and went off to Uni. 2 months later he was history. He continued to call all my girlfriends for quite a while after the split, he rang my uncle & aunt, my parents, etc. They all told him to get lost. Still, I felt horrible. He stalked me in a nightclub 200km from where he lived. He scared the life out of me. I forgot all about it. Then a year later a letter arrived, from the mobile phone provider. He hadn't paid his bills (surprise, surprise) and since I had originally guaranteed for it I now had to pay over (then) £1500,-. That was a LOT of money for me, I was just a student. My Dad paid up and never spoke about it again. To this day I have a title against the guy, valid for 20 years, should I ever find out where he lives, to get my money back, plus interest. It makes my blood boil just writing about this useless twat. I still hate him with a passion and would rather see him dead than alive. He lied and lied and I fell for it. Be careful Kally. You also have your DD to watch out for.

Alex- sorry to hear about your horrible ordeal. That is a reason to be extremely cautious.
I don't HAVE much. I am a single parent, after a divorce where I walked out penniless. I recently got laid off of my partime job but decided to sit still til September when DD goes back to school. My funds are scant and me and DD live meager lives. Not complaining, I am very content and have everything I need to get along. He knows all this and doesn't encroach or 'ask' for anything (apart from his honesty about the odd few quid here and there to contribute to train fare) (Not always, he usually pays for himself)(lets say, so you have an idea, out of the whole year or so I have contributed about 5 times). When we first started talking I was quite uninterersted due to the age gap. I wasn't looking for a younger man or anything and was going for dates with older guys, more my age group. I really brushed him off for months, at least 6 months. But he would always appear online, chatting and still asking if we could meet. Then my sister came down from Manchester to stay and I had the opportunity to meet him and we met in the middle and went for a drink. I still wasn't mad about the idea, but then I moved in the August and we;d kept in contact and I invited him to my town. He came and stayed over the weekend and we had a really nice time together. He wasn't pushy, well mannered, sweet, extremely tidy and clean. He says I mean the world to him. He is extrememly considerate with DD, she likes him, and since this is my first 'bring home to meet DD thing' she could easily have been 'dissing' him (not used to me seeing other men apart from her dad). He never tries to take her space and is always really accomodating with her.
He's a good dad to his son.He is very consistent. He is not materialistic, not dressed to kill, very basic and has no aires and graces about him.
IF it pans out to be true, that he just wanted to clear his head from all the stress of previous job (he was working long hours all over the place, leaving child with carers which is stressful, bending over backwards for this job)and he feels that it all got unpleasant and nasty. If its true, then I will admire him for the guts... but if he has lied.. it will be something I will have to think about regarding his reaction, how he 'owns up'...
He said he has a certification to complete by October and that he then has an opportunity for an IT position in a firm that a friend from his parish connected him with. He says that for a few months McD's will tie him over, give him cashflow and allow him to study. Then in October he will take this exam and get the certification. The only thing at risk here, is my heart I suppose. And that is what scares me. If I am wrong about this, I think I'll stay well away and keep life simple with my 2 cats and DD!!!! Thank God for them!

KAlly- I know you have been out of the UK for a while, but what do you know about this "certification" he is on about?

WHICH exams is he taking? Have you asked for details?

TBH it all sounds rather vague. I am up to date with exams etc because of my work, and if you wanted to run it past us here, I am sure others would help.

My gut feeling is that you are being strung along. I know that he has only asked for help towards fares a few times, but as you know nothing about him, except for what he presents on your doorstep, how do you know that he is even using the money you give him for the fares? He could have other debts. I would be pretty insulted tbh if any man asked me for money so he could see me- it just doesn't seem right. I think I'd prefer to make the trip to him, rather than hand money over. I know you said that not everyone has constant cash flow, but then they don't suddenly find enough to buy an ipod for your DD if they have money issues- sounds like bad money management if nothing else.

From what you say, this man does sound a charmer- he sounds as if he is weedling his way into your life, and gaining your trust, based on a pack of lies- and maybe more that you don't know about.

Please be careful and let us know what happens- are you meeting this weekend?

if his previous job was in IT, and he occasionally had to ask you to contribute towards train tickets etc. i really don't see how he can survive on the paltry money he'd get from working at macdonalds.

sorry, i'm getting bad vibes here too.

i think you need to go and visit him. have a look round the place - does he have any techie books around? note down the titles, let us know. what exactly does he do in IT? it's a rather big industry...

He is studying to be a qualified Webmaster? He does go every now and then to London for exams, about every 3 months. I don't know what certification he needs (not being a techy person its all bla bla to me). My nephew who has met him, sells for an IT company and they were chatting about various techy things, and he (nephew) said he sounds valid (altho he's only in sales and not actually into IT systems and data bases etc). I have worked on systems and he is knowledgable about them, knows what I am talking about with reference to SAP etc. I will go and see him. I think its a make or break situation this month. I will insist on going to his place. Then I will see for myself.
I was always 'heldback' emotionally from him, and he always said this intially. Then aftr the first time he bought his DS to stay, I saw another dimension of him and it opened up a whole new vista of this man's character. Thats when I began to get stronger feelings for him. I told him this, so he knows I need to 'see' his life, home, walls etc'. We have talked openly about this... its just never come about. We see each other about once a week, sometime not for 2 then twice in one week, it depended always on his work schedule. I was away in Canada over Xmas for 6 weeks and he missed me so bad. He came the same day I got back.

His 'previous' IT job, ran him around all over the country, and looking on the website of this co, the names he mentions are all there (yes I know what you're thinking, he could do the same)...But with such consistency? When if its a lie, I would be sure to notice every detail...

With regard to money mismanagement.. we have talked about this. He is not a very good cook, he says he has high rent, high council taxes, has furniture he pays for monthly. I have to think, this man somehow was left with his child and maybe had to restart. So that is costly (I know from myself, but I had family that 'gave me' and I don't mind, even prefer, charity shops for that sort of stuff). I don't think he has that savvy. He married late when 34, and it went pear shaped immediately after his DS was born and his EW went off and had an affair. He tells me that it hurt him a lot and he never really dated after that much, just here and there, plus his career was put back with caring for his DS. He doesn't like talking about it much, just as I don't like churning over my ex and ex life. We respect this about each other (altho it does come up now and then). His family (small) are in the States... (I have heard him talk to his Mum on phone). He also helped pay for an op for her, him and his sister together. She is over there convalescing, during which time his Dad had a stroke and died. Mother is American, Dad is UK but was buried there. He is talking of maybe going over there as he hasn't seen them for over a year and he needs closure as well. Am I rambling on about it? I seem to be...

As far as I know, and that's not much- a webmaster is someone who build web sites. Is that what he is planning to do in future?
You can do that in loads of ways- you don't have to go to London to do it.

I'm not like you at all- if someone told me that, I would be really curious ( not suspicious!) and ask which college etc and look it up on the web. I can't just accept things without knowing more!

I find it hard to see too how he can survive on just his money from McDs- he mustn't earn more than about £6 an hour- do you know? How does he manage his rent, council tax etc etc? Does he qualify for benefits too? I suppose he must.

G-next-door: We are not meeting this weekend as he is working in his new job. He was even excited about seeing the crowds roll in after a 'game' as there is a Stadium close by. He is taking on a very positive attitude about this whole experience. That is the way he is. That is what I find so endearing about him. He's always optimistic. I have never heard him moan and complain or dis things. He always has a philosophical approach to problems, he is far wiser and collected than I am at times. He always says he tries to find the positive side to things. (Which is my way of thinking too).. but here, I am stumped. Character wise it pans out....IT to McD's... he, by his values is capable of that... but he could also be trying to put things right and open out.. without creating too much hassle between us and stand the chance of loosing me.

Maybe he worked in IT and wasnt very good and got turfed out? (but perhaps he couldn't admit/tell me that).. perhaps that is what happened. Will I ever know?

Kally- I do hope this works out okay but so much of what you have said does not add up- just thinking back to your first post- he resigned but is/was "suspended with pay" for 3 weeks.

I don't know if this is his language or yours, but it is not what anyone in the UK would say. Being "suspended" from your job means that you are told not to come into work, for some thing you have done that was wrong- but they pay you in the meantime.

If you resign from a job, then you don't usually get any more pay- if they dismiss you, then you might get a month's notice and pay in lieu of that- but he could not be dismissed without verbal and written warnings first.

It just all sounds very, very odd to me.

I guess I don't ask those questions. If someone told me 'bla bla college' it would mean nothing to me (thinking if they had said it about a college in my previous country of redsidence which I know better than the UK)it would probably mean more to me. I would know location, have a pic in my mind of where it is etc. I haven't really paid attention as I didn't have reason to be on overdrive as I am now.
Yes he gets £6.50 an hour, he told me. I get benefits, so he is probably eligible too now, although maybe not just yet,(it takes time to kick in). But a well paid job (if) doesn't allow you benefits..

He told me he was earning 1800 a month before and ran off his outgoings when I asked him how he was broke by midmonth, and it figured. He just said that he'd had a tough couple of years, but was getting ontop of it. I said he was mismanaging his 'spending cash', but then his train fares to work etc, even with savers etc, was a whole lot of of money. He did travel a lot on trains to and from work. Made his working day very long, travel time etc.. it was wearing him down, but he kept at it for love of his job. I don't think I would have been able to leave at 6 and get back some days at 9:30, winter rain and shine. There is consistency and I will feel so ashamed if my doubts are unfounded. I think I will visit first, see what I see, then make my assumption about him.

He has asked if we could consider marrying one day. He is sure of his love for me, as he says, but I am just waiting for you to come around... I said it was far too early to even look at that. (And my views on marriage are different from his)(as with religion). But nothing daunts him. Maybe he is just genuine and thats all?

Kally- just think

You said at the start that you thought he had always worked at McDs- now you are saying he had a long working day and came home at 9.30 pm etc etc. Which is it?
If he couldn't manage on £1800 a month- about £25K a year- how on earth is he managing now?

Sorry to be so critical, but it just doesn't add up- did you never talk to him by phone when he was in his "other " job? Can you be sure that he wasn't already at home at 9.30pm- in other words, can you be sure he was at work then doing his IT and not at McDs? Did you never need to call him at work? Did he ever give you a work phone number?

If I had been seeing a man for a year, I would have expected to know all of that and have his contact details.

Maybe he is genuine, he is certainly nice to you when you are together from what you say, but it just doesn't ring true to me. Sorry.

He said this is what happened. He was suspended unfairly and without proper procedure. (He should have received 2 written warnings). They sat him at home for a week, the following week went by and he was called in to see his direct boss, (to state his 'what happened)she had been away that particular week, the suspension was carried out by her underling (who obviously didn't handle the situation well, both he and other (racial slur) guy were suspended).There was a review. Then another week went by, a lot of calls and gossip which he said was doing his head in. Then he decided he's resign. He'd already spoken to his parish friend about another job. It looked promising and was contemplating resigning as he's felt badly dealt with. He wrote a letter of resignation and sent it in. The next day before they'd received the letter he was called in for a review again, they told him he could return to work. He then said he felt he had been badly treated and the letter of resignation was in the post. That he didn't want to work for them anymore. He had put in a lot of effort and made big sacrifices to maintain his job standard. Over time, worked during Xmas, etc etc..didn't go to States when his Dad passed away due to massive peak of a project he'd been on.. was dutiful and reliable. So can I see his point. He felt betrayed and suddenly 'all one way'. He did mention having gone to see a solicitor, but not in any depth. He never actually even told me what the racial slur was. I did ask, but he said I find repeating this any use. They are ugly words and I will not repeat them. All I know is that I was rude back to him, but I had every reason to be angry'. Even then he was regretful at not having shown more control and better character. That is how he is. I don't know what was said, or how the sequence of events went with slur... but he was very distressed about it.

I know... (girl next door).... but to work at McD's is a quick fix. Poor pay, but flexi hours and 'with structure'. He says he finds it hard to sit at home.
My original thing is that maybe he has always worked there, (never in IT) but maybe I am just totally paranoic, and the poor guy really did have good IT job, (with money problems) and now he's at McD's 'chilling' till he decides what to do next...
Yes, when he worked (IT) he would always call at about 2:30 when on lunch break, and then on train home. If he finished early he would get on msn... he always maintained contact. rarely would a day go by without him calling me. (He said IT company did not allow mobile phone use etc during working hours, but if I text him, he would normally respond within an hour, as if phone switched off).
He just called now and said he will be down in the next few days.
I will have to be honest, tread very gingerly, and either unload to him... and be totally wrong... or lift up this blanket of doubt and let the lite shine in.

so you never had an office number for him to call him there? Hmmm.

Hm, Kally, I've read all you wrote and if I were you I'd do the following. When your DD is with her Dad then I'd insist on going up there to see him. Honestly, you deserve to know how and where he lives. His story doesn't sound odd, I now understand the job situation and yes I've seen it before. It's bloody unfair, he should have received a payout. At least 3-6 months salary. Taxfree.

I'm just soooo cautious because I've been had LARGE and it's scarred me badly. The trust in people in general is gone. I've travelled a lot and lived in different countries and my inner radar is very strong now. Do not move in with him!!! I think you should meet his family before you do, or at least close mates. He must have friends! Other than that I can see where he must be coming from. It must is hard to tart anew with a young child and all the responsibility and no one to turn to. Whatever his job, he's making an effort and that's certainly admirable. As long as you are happy seeing him and he treats you and DD very well and is kind and loving it's fine. Just don't move in together till you know more about him.

I really hope it'll all end well for you both!

this guy sounds like a lovely bloke, but i think he is keeping something from you.

it's a pretty big thing to deceive someone like this, and i'm surprised that his conscience allows him to. that's what i'm worried about.

if he's really as nice as he seems, why does he find it so easy to con you?

i would strongly recommend not moving in with him and keeping things at the current status quo until you find out definitively one way or the other.