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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What can we do?

40 replies

itati · 28/07/2008 11:51

ILs have DCs for 2 hours while I go to GP and do a few errands.

They leave 2 minutes after I get home. I said I wanted baby sitting, they tell me they have another life.

DS1 tells me that they told him it would be their problem is they got electrocuted and DD said they wouldn't hold her while she rode her bike.

I phone MIL. Kids told not to touch the fan so they were right to say not to touch but they didn't have to say it would be their problem.

MIL said she was set to help DD but then she disappeared and came in in a strop and wouldn't say what was wrong. I said DD wanted her to hold her. MIL - but DD didn't say that and DD being DD you can't get anything out of her and if you (ie MIL) don't know that it is your (I assume mine) problem.

I told her I would get an au pair she agredd if we could afford it, I said we can't but we need help.

MIL - well they are all okay.

She sounded upset, she will take it I don't trust them but I am sick of the commenst, esp the negative ones about DD.

And before anyone starts, I know they are not there for baby sitting and I chose to have kids therefore my responsibilty, but I have no family, show me someone who does it all on their own without friends or family to help, and they are their grandchildren.

OP posts:
WelliesAndPyjamas · 28/07/2008 11:55

sounds like you are having a tough time. Why not pop out somewhere nice for a walk with the dc and try and forget the morning? then start again with a clear mind later?

...but but but but I have to say lots of people raise kids 'all on their own without friends or family to help'

RubySlippers · 28/07/2008 11:58

agree with Wellies

it is hot - everyone sounds a bit cranky as well

Original poster
itati · 28/07/2008 12:43

Well hats off to them. They are better than me.

We have a solicitors appointment this week that I will now have to go to on my own as no one to have the kids and I really needed Dh there.

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 28/07/2008 12:49

do you have a good relationship generally with you ILS?

RubySlippers · 28/07/2008 12:49

do you have a good relationship generally with you ILS?

RubySlippers · 28/07/2008 12:49

do you have a good relationship generally with you ILS?

Niecie · 28/07/2008 12:49

How old are your children, Itati?

We took DS1 with us when he was a tiny toddler (about 13mths) - was OK. He was a bit noisy but we were only there half an hour and he played on the floor most of the time.

I would take them and make sure they took a book and understoond they needed to be quiet. Unless of course it is a very long meeting.

Sorry you IL are so difficult though - it wouldn't hurt them to help out occasionally if they had nothing else to do, and to do it with good grace for the sake of their grandchildren.

RubySlippers · 28/07/2008 12:51

oops

Original poster
itati · 28/07/2008 12:51

I wouldn't say I had a good relationship. I can't talk to them.

The kids are at that age where they will hear and understand what is being said at the solicitors and that is a no-no.

Off to put DS2 to bed and then do some reading prep for the solicitor.

OP posts:
Twinkie1 · 28/07/2008 12:53

God I tell DS not to touch electrical things for fear of getting electrocuted all the time and I would tell your DD not to get in a huff if someone can;t read her mind but to say what she wants or are your ILs supposed to be mind readers?

RubySlippers · 28/07/2008 12:53

oh dear

i am sorry that this is a hard time for you

posieflump · 28/07/2008 12:53

Sounds like you have shot yourself in the foot
Sometimes you need to bite your tongue and let it go so that you can have help again iyswim
I dont have family and friends to help either, all live too far away

MeMySonAndI · 28/07/2008 13:03

I'm afraid that unfortunately, family is not always around to help out. They were providing help (even if not to your complete liking) and tbh, they can't be expected to read minds or being worried about your child getting hurt with the fan.

There are plenty of people who manage without the help of the family, friends, childcare, etc. I'm not going to say it is easy (quite the oposite) but it is manageable.

It is not granparents responsibility to take care of their grandchildren (my parents won't do it), just a bonus.

Original poster
itati · 28/07/2008 13:07

FWIW MIL knows everything about children. She was a teacher.

She can read the boys minds, always knows what they want. Never what DD wants.

It is the way it is said to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
itati · 28/07/2008 13:07

DD is only 4 fgs.

OP posts:
Twinkie1 · 28/07/2008 13:14

Ds is 3 - telling kids the worst os a good way I find of stopping them doing dangerous things - e.g. you will get squashed by a bus if you run in the road and my DS at 3 would say I want to be held on my bike - sorry I don't see the issue here?

beanieb · 28/07/2008 13:16

Did your children offer up this info about the electrocution/bike riding thing, without any prompting from you?

Original poster
itati · 28/07/2008 13:18

"It will be your probelm if you are electrocuted" is not the way for her to speak to my kids imo.

My DD isn't good at saying what she wants at times, they should know that, but of course they don't know her as well as the boys as she is a girl.

I KNOW it isn't GPs responsibilty. What is wrong with wanting them to spend time with them and me using the time to get things done? They are retired fgs and it isn't like it is every week.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 28/07/2008 13:20

Is the solicitors meeting to do with divorce/separation? Because if you are divorcing their son, your IL could be being a bit passiv-agressive with you and not keen to help you.

ActingNormal · 28/07/2008 13:47

Itati, have I read this right, did your ILs leave the kids ON THEIR OWN in your house 2 mins before you arrived back? If they did this is very wrong.

I sense that you are anxious about your ILs looking after your children and it is hard for you to trust them to keep them safe. Am I right? I feel the same about my ILs. In my case it is because I find it hard to trust people of that generation because I was let down by my parents. Is this the same for you?

Then I sense that you feel guilty for leaving them with people you don't fully trust but that you do it because you have few options and sometimes you really need help.

I think it is unhelpful for people to say "lots of people raise kids on their own". Yes they do, but I can't believe any of them can say they NEVER need help from anyone else! There have been lots of times when I have needed help and have thought "What the hell would I have done in that situation if that person hadn't helped me" and then feel scared about my ability to cope.

I can imagine feeling angry that I didn't have as much support as other people and would have to do something difficult on my own without DH because I had nobody to mind the children. You have to do something that you find hard and you are apprehensive and tense - I don't blame you.

I think the best thing you can do is think about how your ILs are with your children and the different incidents that have bothered you. Think about whether your children were in real danger of getting badly hurt, I don't mean just a grazed knee or something. It doesn't sound like they were in really bad danger with the fan and the bike. Be aware that you might be overanxious and this isn't your fault. If your ILs aren't doing things the way you would but the children aren't in real danger, this may be annoying, but if you need them to help you sometimes then you should let it go and not stew over it/have a go at them. If on the other hand you feel that the children are in danger and this is based on logic, not you being overanxious, then don't let them have your children.

Good luck with your solicitor appointment and give yourself some kind of reward when you have done it . Hopefully each difficult thing you do will make you feel stronger.

beanieb · 28/07/2008 13:55

no she said "They leave 2 minutes after I get home" which I took as meaning when she got home they left.

I don't think someone being retired means they should have any duty towards looking after someone elses kids TBH.

Itati - why do they hate girls so much?

Original poster
itati · 28/07/2008 16:29

beanieb - yes, DS1 just told me.

No one said it is their duty to help look after my children but bloody hell, I needed help for a bit, what is wrong with that? They said to take as long as I needed and then buggered off as soon as I got in.

I wouldn't say they hate girls but she gives me the crap that she has no idea about girls as she had boys. She used to say she doesn't know DD as well as DS1 has been around longer. DS2 has been around less time than DD but she has no problem with him.

solidgoldbrass - of course I am not divorcing their son! Whatever gave you that idea?

ActingNormal - if I am truly honest I trust them to keep them alive but that is about it. They treat DD differently to the boys which I don't like, and they seem less patient with the kids, more exasperated. They are young and retired so not their old age or tiredness.

I didn't want to leave them as I knew MIL had plans but then DH said it would be easier for me at the GPs without them and MIL had done what she needed too earlier.

Your post makes me want to cry as I so appreciate your support. I felt got at about others raising kids without help. I would be surprised at anyone doing it 100% alone and also jealous at their ability to cope, alongside my inability. MIL does lots of things differently to me, even those that I have specifically asked to do my way. She used to agree, now she does does what she likes and gets teary if I dare say anything. I do try and let as much go as I can.

When I rang to ask about the electrocuted incident I could hear her getting teary. She cries at bloody anything I may say. When I complained about DS1 being naughty she bloody cried.

OP posts:
hopeful1 · 28/07/2008 17:52

Get the book toxic in laws!! Its been really helping me dealing with things that my MIL says to me and there is a lot about grandchildren and hey they treat them. It also gives you things to say that wont make them cry and you feel guilty...hope that helps....chin up x

Original poster
itati · 28/07/2008 18:14

Thanks.

Not sure what DH will say about me wanting another "self help" book.

OP posts:
justdidntthink · 28/07/2008 20:39

I understand that you are frustrated by yout ILs apparent lack of tact, however, many of us have been there, done that and got the t shirt! When our eldest was a baby/ toddler, we had to beg MIL to visit! In his entire life ( he is 19 years now),she has looked after him on three occasions! Even on the day when our youngest was born and she was supposed to have DS1, she told us she couldn't as she had a hair appointment booked! So We had to find someone else whilst I was in labour! Yes, it was not easy, no, we didn't get to do much without having the children along the whole time, but guess what? I think we did a good job. It wasn't always perfect but generally we muddled along and got by. I am glad now that we were not so dependant on MIL as others in the family who are virtually held to ransom by her in order to get the babysitting that they need! I appreciate it is difficult if there really is no-one else for you to leave them with, but actually, your children are not your ILs responsibility and if they don't want to help out, you will just have to make alternative arrangements! Sorry to be blunt but that's how it is!

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