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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What can we do?

40 replies

itati · 28/07/2008 11:51

ILs have DCs for 2 hours while I go to GP and do a few errands.

They leave 2 minutes after I get home. I said I wanted baby sitting, they tell me they have another life.

DS1 tells me that they told him it would be their problem is they got electrocuted and DD said they wouldn't hold her while she rode her bike.

I phone MIL. Kids told not to touch the fan so they were right to say not to touch but they didn't have to say it would be their problem.

MIL said she was set to help DD but then she disappeared and came in in a strop and wouldn't say what was wrong. I said DD wanted her to hold her. MIL - but DD didn't say that and DD being DD you can't get anything out of her and if you (ie MIL) don't know that it is your (I assume mine) problem.

I told her I would get an au pair she agredd if we could afford it, I said we can't but we need help.

MIL - well they are all okay.

She sounded upset, she will take it I don't trust them but I am sick of the commenst, esp the negative ones about DD.

And before anyone starts, I know they are not there for baby sitting and I chose to have kids therefore my responsibilty, but I have no family, show me someone who does it all on their own without friends or family to help, and they are their grandchildren.

OP posts:

partaria · 28/07/2008 20:56

My bloody mil had agreed - happily as i thought - to come straight to ours in a mini cab (we'd pay) as soon as i went into labour with dc2, in order to look after ds1. We'd been warned it would be a quick labour. What did she do ? Spent 1.5hrs in the shower washing her hair; dh missed the birth. I was SO angry. But I never asked for her help ever again. We have 4dcs now and at times i am on my knees,or pelting around trying to be in 3 places at once. And yes one or more of them has come on medical and other private appointments with me at times. Not ideal but it just has to be done. We never go away without them - and don't really mind either. There is a bit of muddling along but really itati you will find it empowering, if knackering, to just get along without their help. They won't invade your headspace in such an annoying way either .

How old is ds2 ? At nursery yet ? Or could you afford a mother's help/borrow a local aupair for an afternoon a week to get things done, and maybe build in some "me" time ?

Original poster

itati · 29/07/2008 08:01

FFS I KNOW my children are not the ILs responsibilty. THEY ARE THEIR GRANDCHILDREN. Yiou would think they would want to spend time with them. MIL offered to baby sit.

I am so pleased for all of you that can do it on your own BUT I CAN NOT.

We can barely afford the bills never mind help.

OP posts:

beanieb · 29/07/2008 08:06

but... I think it's quite clear that your MIL is not going to ever provide the kind of support or childcare you expect so maybe rather than get stressed out and worked up (Which can't be doing you any good) maybe you just need to accept that they can't be relied on even when they do offer? It must be tough but perhaps if you sit down with your OH and talk about how you can share the responsibility more equally between the two of you so you don't have to rely on other people who are being generally crap.

RubySlippers · 29/07/2008 08:07

are you entitled to any of the free childcare hours(from age 3?) or can you use SureStart?

why don't you speak to your HV about this - she may have some ideas

FWIW my FIL can literally go for weeks and not see DS

people are just different - i had all sorts of expectations about their involvement but they were my expectations

if your ILS knew how much you were struggling would they not be able to help on Thursday? Could your DH not talk to them - perhaps this would be a better way forward

Original poster

itati · 29/07/2008 08:09

Dh works full time in a very stressful job and is here every second he can be.

Homestart wouldn't help.

I ususally ask DH to ask them to baby sit if I think they might say no but they say no to him as well.

I am sat here close to tears.

I have no friends, I miss my Nana so much and I can't cope with the kids.

OP posts:

RubySlippers · 29/07/2008 08:13

have you asked homestart?

there may a voluntary organisation that can help you - where are you based?

you sound like you are having a crappy time

has your Nana died recently? Is this waht you are going to the solicitor for

you need to try to sort your relationship with your In-Laws a bit so you can function

and speak to your HV/GP about the not coping

don't let it reach breaking point

beanieb · 29/07/2008 08:13

Speak to your OH about how you are feeling, if you haven't already, and go to see your GP. You sound really stressed and I'm sure you can get some help.

Original poster

itati · 29/07/2008 08:17

Home start have been and said they can't help.

My Nana died in 2005 but she was the only family I had.

Solicitor stuff is private.

HV is crap and I see the GP for depression.

DH knows exactly how I am. He is frustrated too with his parents and does all he can to support me.

OP posts:

pooter · 29/07/2008 08:24

Hi Itati,
i really feel for you - we Iare in a similar situation - parents and inlaws live very far away, dont feel i can ask friends to help, DH works long hours, long commute - weekend dad really. Sometimes i feel like i cant cope at all.

Ive ended up on ADs (they do help- but i feel like i shouldnt need them) and paying a babysitter for 3hrs a week one afternoon.

I know you said you cant afford it, so i dont know what to suggest. I just wanted you to know you are not alone and its bloody hard to do it all yourself. And yes, i would expect the PIL to want to have regular contact with their GCs - plus why dont they want to help you when you are so desperate. I would feel the same way as you do. You help your family - thats what they are for.

What helps me is to have a 'timetable' of things to do during the week so we dont stay in the house and i feel like we have achieved something. Sorry that this post is just rambling waffle - just wanted to show solidarity.

Original poster

itati · 29/07/2008 08:26

Thank you.

I really appreciate it.

OP posts:

ActingNormal · 29/07/2008 09:21

How are you feeling today Itati? Do you go to playgroups and that sort of thing? The one DS goes to gives me a bit of a break because the kids play and the parents sit around drinking coffee (not open during school holiday though). There may be a load of them you could go to on different days of the week. In my city there is something called the Children's/Family Information Service who you can phone up and they will send you a list of what is in your area. If you look on the web there might be an 'info service' where you live, or it may be part of your local county council website.

It sounds like because childcare is too expensive and relatives are unreliable the best option would be if you could meet some other mothers who also need help and do babysitting for each other. I know it can be difficult to meet new people and it takes time to make friends with them but it really would be worth it and I think you should persevere with it. It took me about a year of actively looking for new friends to find some other mothers. I went to every playgroup or children's activity I could find until I found ones where I felt comfortable. It seemed like lots of people didn't want to talk to me at first (and I used to go home and cry) but I kept at it and got better at it. Now I don't know how I would have got through the last few years without the women I met.

I am not close to/have problems with my relatives, DH didn't want to talk about emotional stuff and I needed to talk about things when DD having terrible twos, DS was a baby and crying constantly day and night with colic or something (we never knew what) and the shock and sadness when my bro first went into prison and I was trying to cope with homelife and at the same time think of anything I could say/do to stop him killing himself and trying to understand why he committed his crimes. And talking to him about his childhood was bringing back all my stuff which I had wanted to bury...so I really needed women to talk to at that time.

It sounds like you are at a similar point where you feel it is all too much and you don't know how much longer you can keep it together.

I really hope you can find lots of small ways to help you through this stage in your life.

Original poster

itati · 29/07/2008 09:36

Feel crap

Just texted this to MIL

You didn't seem very happy when I got back yesterday. Was it the kids? Was I gone longer than you wanted? you seem fed up with me nd the kids at the moment but don't talk to me.

Feel nervous now just waiting for the phone to go.

OP posts:

RubySlippers · 29/07/2008 09:50

well at least you have asked the question

perhaps you may get somewhere?

i feel for you - perhaps there are some Mnetters near you that could help?

just a thought ...

Original poster

itati · 29/07/2008 09:57

She rang, coincidently, before the text came though. We have talked. She left because of the heat. She finds it too much.

I tried to explain about DD but I don't think she really got what I was saying. I was too scared to come out with it straight though I did say she seems to have bonded more with the boys.

She was ringing to offer to have the kids tmw.

OP posts:

RubySlippers · 29/07/2008 11:14

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