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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Your opinions please.....

39 replies

StarSparkle · 20/07/2008 20:38

Hi to all.

I'm in a bit of a tiz over this. I am one of a non-idential twins, despite having issues when we were younger me and sis get on brill now. My sis is a free lancer, which means she doesn't get sick/day off/holiday pay. Her DP is due to have a (for want of a better pharse) a camera up his bum to determine the cause of bleeding, chronic stomach pain, sickness and weight loss. He is being tested for chrones deseaise (please forgive me for bad spelling). He really dosen't want to go on his own.... and i said to sis that i would go with him if she couldn't afford time off. I told my DP about it today and he has said i am not allowed to go with him, saying would i be pissed off he went with a another woman. I prob wouldn't in this sort of case. Me and my sis DP get on well (as friends) and i would never do anything to hurt either my twin sis or my DP. Why are men so controlling?

OP posts:
StellaWasADiver · 20/07/2008 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
StarSparkle · 20/07/2008 20:56

I know that i should tell him. I was thinking about doing it behind his back as he hates me being friends with me sis's DP... i honestly just see him as a good mate, nothing else...hes my twin sis's DP for gwads sake ! Hes more like a bro to me. Now wishing i just did it behind his back.... My sis's DP has come from a shitty childhood and has only been speaking to his mum for the frist time in around 7 yrs , so he hasn't got any family to support him, my sis is fine with this now i feel like i have let them both down...

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 20/07/2008 21:16

No, men are not controlling, your DH is controlling. This is outrageous. You are going to support someone that needs support. Tell him to fuck off.

warthog · 20/07/2008 21:43

it's not up to your dp. you're an adult, you make decisions over your own life. controlling? yes!!! but not all men are like this...

maplesyrup · 20/07/2008 21:49

when he does go for the tests you will only be dropping him off and picking him up afterwards to make sure he gets home safe, it's not as if you will be in there with him, it's nice to see a friendly face after an op. the hospital probably advises that someone accompanies him anyhow so it's better that you do go with him to get him there and back.

Original poster
StarSparkle · 20/07/2008 22:02

I know that most men arent controlling... wot i meant to say is mine is controlling... but as is life we all have are probs behind closed doors. Since being with my DP i know i have been bad to live with aswell. I have developed a drinking problem and i feel that because i have this i have no grounds to be right in any disagreements. I don't drink during the day but have to drink each nite to calm down (which i understand is a prob ). My DP hates all my friends and because i'm so weak i don'tsee them anymore. Sorry to rant but he even tryed to dump me after my Grandads funeral because i was so upset that i didn't save a place for him next to me. Even when we have discussed slipting up he says that he will take DD off me because im an alcholic and won't let any other man bring her up . But hes allowed another DP. Sorry to rant...at end of my tether

OP posts:
Original poster
StarSparkle · 20/07/2008 22:02

I know that most men arent controlling... wot i meant to say is mine is controlling... but as is life we all have are probs behind closed doors. Since being with my DP i know i have been bad to live with aswell. I have developed a drinking problem and i feel that because i have this i have no grounds to be right in any disagreements. I don't drink during the day but have to drink each nite to calm down (which i understand is a prob ). My DP hates all my friends and because i'm so weak i don'tsee them anymore. Sorry to rant but he even tryed to dump me after my Grandads funeral because i was so upset that i didn't save a place for him next to me. Even when we have discussed slipting up he says that he will take DD off me because im an alcholic and won't let any other man bring her up . But hes allowed another DP. Sorry to rant...at end of my tether

OP posts:
divastrop · 20/07/2008 22:08

hi starsparkle

i dont know about the issue with the hospital appointment,but the other stuff you have said about your dp is pretty bad,such as you not having any friends because he doesnt like them etc.

what do you think would happen if you just went to the hospital anyway?

TheRealPhartiphukborlz · 20/07/2008 22:10

perhaps your sister will go anyway - since you have suggested you will

Original poster
StarSparkle · 20/07/2008 23:09

I would like to go if my sis can't. Reason being as my sis really wants to go but due to money and stuff she may not be able to afford it as she doesn't get paid for any time off. Me and her DP really get on well as mates and he really is feeling scared about it and is realived he can finally find out what wrong with him. Must be pretty scary as he has been badly bleeding and lost loadsa weight, u know how bad men are in regards to getting their health sorted out. I just want to be there for him if my twin sis can't as i know it will mean alot to both her and him. Can u imagaine going for tests that could tell you if you have a life threating prob on your own. I would like someone with me. Just pissed of that my DP doesn't understand that my twin's sis's DP doesnt pose any threat to him. He loves my sis and treats her well, thats why i like him

OP posts:
ladymariner · 20/07/2008 23:18

Your DP is a controlling, possessive shit. You said he and your sis' dp are friends, well he's got a funny idea of friendship. This isn't about going to the hospital, its about him trying to control you totally and make you feel so crap about yourself you become totally dependant on him. He's already got rid of your friends and now he's got the hump because your sis and her dp value your opinion and he resents that.
You need to wake up and see him for what he really is. It's not you with the problem, although you're going to have to drop the drinking but you already know that, it's him.

wannaBe · 20/07/2008 23:26

he has no right to tell you what you can and cannot do.

Tell him to get stuffed and do what you want.

My BIL took me to two of my antenatal appointments when I was pg with ds. He drove me there, waited for me in the waiting room and drove me back to work again. My dh would never even have thought to think it odd - he is my sister's dh fgs being married does not mean you never get to speak to another man ever again.

Original poster
StarSparkle · 20/07/2008 23:28

Hi Ladymariner - i understand what you are saying but (and there always is a but!!) i do feel guilty about my drinking ! But i feel that it's my problem and i am weak for it. My DP is good with our DD , he loves her alot. I just get bored being on my own all the time - it's just usaully DD and me all the time. When DP has any time off he goes down the gym to do his body building. We never go out together at all. In the last 8 years i can count the times we have been out as a couple on both hands. Hee hee look at me feeling sorry for myself !

OP posts:
Original poster
StarSparkle · 20/07/2008 23:31

Wannabe... when i was pregnant... we went to the antenatal classes. We went to one and DP hated it so much and bitched about everyone we never went again. It upset me but again i didn't stand up for myself ! Can u see the pattern ???!!!

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/07/2008 08:07

He's a controlling shit who has driven away all your friends, you are lonely and bored so you drink, and because you drink you have no right to complain about his controlling, manipulative behaviour. Do you see a problem here?

Original poster
StarSparkle · 21/07/2008 09:10

Hi Kat, i do see a problem. I am part of that problem but i just can't deal with it sometimes so i drink. I have to stop with the drinking as i am using it as a coping thing which is never a good idea, and i dont want to get on that slippery slope. I am worried that if i cut it down/out i will feel evenmore lonely/fed up.

I'll stop feeling sorry for myself.... i need to get this inj check. Thanks for all the replys.

OP posts:
ToughDaddy · 21/07/2008 10:37

Hi- your bloke is insecure/controlling it seems. So all his fault. However, I would have emphasised to him that you are doing this for your sister as opposed to doing it for your sister's DP if that makes sense. He needs to undestand the (often) closeness of twin relations. But I don't think that you should complicate things by introducing the fact that you are doing it as a mate of your sister's DP. Too much for insecure man?

Original poster
StarSparkle · 21/07/2008 10:55

Hi Tough, he knows i am doing this for my sis, as i have told him. I do see that it may make him feel uneasy as i will be going with my sis's DP. But he deosn't like me having male friend. I do think he may be insecure as he doesn't like me having male friends. For example i stayed over my sis and DP place once as to late to come back. The next day he said i had stayed over to get it on with one of their friends. Er no, he was there was his GF and I spent most my time watching crappy tv and having a laugh with sis. I can see your point. Maybe i am being insenstive. Its good to look at it from a fresh perspective.Thanks

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/07/2008 11:37

Um....no you are not. I totally disagree. He doesn't like you having male friends? Even the DP of your twin sister? He needs to grow the fuck up and get over it. You letting him get away with shit like this doesn't help - I know that's easier said than done but stop doubting yourself. You are making this all your fault and it isn't. This issue is the tip of the iceberg by the sounds of it but what you are doing is a favour for a friend/your sister and he needs to grow up if he has a problem with it.

Original poster
StarSparkle · 21/07/2008 11:50

Hi Kat, i do agree that i am letting him get away with this behavouir and this just makes the situation worse. Hes been like this for so long that its hard to think any different way. I often doubt things about myself in situations like this.

I really don't know what to do. He does tend to have a real problem with people not just in regards to me. For example something that most people would find a silly tiff with a friend and get over, he never does and really holds on to it.

I remeber once he was giving a lift to my brother and my bro was really anxious as he was going to be late and he said (prob rudley) for DP is hurry up. My DP had a real prob with my bro for about a mth !

Im no angel either and tend to think that in regards to his behaviour.

OP posts:
Hassled · 21/07/2008 12:00

It sounds to me that you are a sweet, caring woman and that your problems are of your DH's making, not yours. Agree that you need to stop the drinking asap, and that will be easier if you can find something else to do in the evenings - are there any hobbies you could take up? Arts and crafts sort of stuff? If you're on your own in the evenings, why don't you spend the time getting on the phone/internet and catching up with the friends you used to have?

You DP is the problem though, and I think you need to think long and hard about what you get out of the relationship. You wouldn't lose custody of your DD because you have a few drinks in the evenings, but if you sort that out it's one thing less to worry about.

Original poster
StarSparkle · 21/07/2008 13:53

Thanks hassled,

As with all relationships, DP does have his good points, he loves our DD , he's a good worker and reliable.

Perhaps it's a case of two completely different personalities bringing out the worse in each other ? Sometimes i feel like we depend on each other rather than love each other.

However, we do love each other but not sure if it is any different than loving your very best friend.

I'm so confused, I don't know what i think !

OP posts:
ToughDaddy · 21/07/2008 14:21

yes, i agree that you need to work out whether u want to save the relationship. If the answer is yes, then i think that u are doing the right thing in that you are not adopting a confrontational approach to the problem. Sounds as though you should have three objectives:

1)to help your sister to support her DP re:colonoscopy/endoscopy(immediate problem)

2)to address your DP's insecurity/controlling ways (ongoing problem)

3)To address the drinking problem

I am stating the obvious but if you think of what your clear objectives are, then you may be able to work out the best way of achieving all three. You may have to tackle these all separately rather bundling them into this one issue. For example, I am not sure whether you should try to solve 1) and 2) at the same time as I think that could risk everything blowing up? Am I making sense?

P.S. I have had these procedures for the same sort of reason. Being a "toughie", I took a taxi to get there but DW insisted in picking me up after the procedure (she had to do the school run so couldn't stay with me). But that's not the point; as it is a little scary.

ToughDaddy · 21/07/2008 14:26

So one strategy could be:
-I might have found someone else in your family to accompany sister's.
-then have a SERIOUS chat to DP about his baseless insecurities, saying that if he couldn't change his ways then you would reconsider the relstionship or whatever.....
-and that you will be taking x, y, z steps to address the drinking problem.

This might not be the answer but I think you need to take control of all three issues

ToughDaddy · 21/07/2008 14:31

so you could make a tactical concession in order to win the greater battle if you thought that this might bring about change in your relationship.