Wanting a mother's perspective

[Frederich]

I am writing for advice on my girlfriend and her children.

I have a real problem with the noise, they all (my girlfriend too) scream and shout constantly. Like today she told the youngest to do something, he said "don't you want me?" and she screamed at the top of her voice and said "course I do" and they all burst out laughing etc. I'm not a killjoy but I really don't see the point in all the screaming.

A few weeks ago we were playing this game which is like a time bomb thing that you pass around each player and if it blows up in your hands the thing pops out the end and hits you in the face. Everytime the bomb landed on any of them they started screetching and screaming like they were so excited it was going to explode but after a while it became really ott as if the screaming was the fun, not the actual game. Then they started flinging it towards each other in panic before girlfriend whacked it so hard it flew off the board completely and ended up in the middle of the floor. Que shit loads of screaming and squealing before the kids stood up and started kicking it around the room in panic. (It eventually exploded in the dogs face which caused loads more shouting and screaming).

I know they're only having fun but I've never known anything like it, they can't just have a normal board game, they end up going crazy. If they watch a DVD they end up going mad half way through and chucking stuff at each other or screaming the phrases from the film.

I have limited experience with children, my own upbringing was not chaotic like this and I'm finding it really hard to accept as normal. I told her it bothers me and she said that's the way her family is and they would not change. My sister is not like this with her kids and the friend I spoke to who has kids said he wouldn't put up with so much daftness either.

Am I being unreasonable here or is this really as unusual as it seems to me?

Thanks

you are being unreasonable.

It depends if they are having fun I don"t really see what the harm is

just how does children playing and laughing annoy you so much

I can see why it would be annoying.
especially if your own upbringing was rather more reserved!
i am assuming that all the noise is down to high jinks and japery?
In that case, you must be thankul tahts its not through agression and anger.
you have to decide really HOw much it annoys you, i guess

Whatever you do, don't stick around and try to change it. Then you will really be a killjoy.

Erm, I think it's just a case of live and let live. It's normal for them, so yes, it's normal. Thats just who they are.

They sound great - and they are having fun. Good on them and long may they continue.

Not sure what you should do. Can't you just apreciate their personalites even though they differ from yours, rather than think of them as not 'normal'?

YABU

children and families are noisy, chaotic, loving, shouty and FUN!

young children do not and should not contain their emotions like adults

when they are happy they are HAPPY , when they are excited they are EXCITED and so on

i am sorry that you find their natural childish exuberance so problematic

Sorry Frederich. Every family is different and this bunch are extroverts. And life with children is usually chaotic. You shouldn't try to change them,, and if you can't stand it you won't last with them.

i felt like this too before i had kids.
when i would visit families i would think 'jeez, what's with all the shouting!' and be very glad to get home again.

i imagine, that you get to four kids and noise creeps up gradually, but you've had years to adjust as each child arrives.
so it's not such a big deal.
for you it's a bit of a leap to suddenly be around a big family.

but, it all sounds fairly normal. and from what you say, they sound like a happy family. excitable but happy.
it's a good thing.

Its just the screaming, why do they need to scream and screech so much? Its not like thats the way the game is supposed to be played.

I bought them a scalextric for their birthday and they almost broke it straight away. As the cars were going around the eldest got so excited he threw the controller across the room and screamed at the top of his voice. This caused the youngest one to start screaming then my girlfriend started shouting daft noises at the top of her voice. The noise was unbelievable. I just don't see the point, why can't they play properly?

Huh??????? My x used to moan and whinge about the noise we all made when he was working form home.

It's impossible to keep children quiet and has been since 1842.

Do you want to crush your children's spirits, or send them away to boarding school and summer camp?? OPtions to consider?

You sound like you have NO comprehension of what it is like to be a mother dealing with children who DO whinge, moan, beg, shout, laugh, bicker, chatter, cry, scream....................................

Cut your poor wife some slack. Why don't you take over for a week, allow your wife to have a week off. If you have to take over everything, completely, for one WHOLE week, cooking, cleaning, childcare and shopping then you will have a better picture of the challenges she actually faces. Then you will be able to make a more informed judgement on whether to risk/bother criticising or not.

I don't know Frederich. Maybe this family is not one you would fit into.

how old are the children? (not that it matters, you are still being unreasonable)

Oh right, they're nt your children. Well, I'll cut you some slack then, as I can see why it would seem overwhelming before you've had children. But honey, that's life as Claire Rayner might say.

Before I had children, I used to be far less able for children, but even then I could distinguish with my heat-seeking-child-hating-radar the difference between happy noise and grumpy noise. I like chatter and laughter. I HATE bickering and whinging.

If there is more bickering than whinging than there is chatter and laughter, then maybe you could say it to them 'jokily' "guys why so much whinging and so little laughter?"

Just point it out to them, they may not be aware of it. I think they must feel fairly relaxed around YOU though. They're not on their best behaviour!!

My children never play the 'right' way either. It used to stress me, but now I just let them get on ith it. If they want to play with the box that the £50 toy came in I just let them. You have to hover above it all sometimes.

Practical suggestion:
Play hide and seek.
Tell them to go and hide.
Then enjoy five minutes peace before you go find them.
Cue lots of screaming.
Then repeat.

First post frederich?

There's a lot of men with long stories posting today - gradually becoming less and less sympathetic.

I feel sorry for the poor dog

....my four urchins regularly drown out the noise of the Sleazy Jet planes that skim over the roof every few minutes...

It is (I hope) normal without the use of high dose equine anaesthetic....

Kids don't play 'properly'. They play the way they find it fun. I have to say I wouldn't choose your GF's parenting style, as if kids are getting too over the top I try to calm it not escalate it, but I guess she doesn't mind the noise. At the end of the day she is parenting them and they sound happy, lively and normal. I understand if it does your head in but TBH that is a sign that you shouldn't be spending time with this family. That's the way they are, complaining about them not playing 'properly' and not seeing the point in screaming and shouting just makes you sound like a killjoy with no experience of children. That's fine, but maybe you should look for a partner who doesn't have any either.

ah come ON!!! Maybe Mumsnet was mentioned in the Times again.

On Rollercoaster which is an Irish parenting forum, there are LOADS of dads. Possibly because the name is more approachable to men. I don't like the bear pit style of that forum, much prefer mumsnet, BUT I can't believe the way any male poster is given the beady eye.

.....haven't noticed any ocular beadiness towards my good self.

....this is doubtless due to bluff, boorish thick skin on my part, however....

Oy, retiredgoth, psss [beadyeye] You see? It's rife.

I think it is directed at a poster who mentions in his first post that he is a man.

Tehre have been two that got the beady eye in the last 24 hours.

....despite my chromosonal arrangement this seems to be the most suitable site on which to pass a couple of hours when the urchins are abed.

....used to be a regular on "Widowed" sites, but they are too fucking miserable of a different nature.

..."lone parent" sites are full of gripes about the csa and f4j wankers members.

...I am a bugger for hijacking. Sorry Fred!