Single Dad needs some help?

[Cotsta]

I?m new to Mumsnet and only registered today, (I hope you don?t mind a guy on this website). I?ve only just worked out what all the abbreviations like DC, DH, MIL etc. are so go easy on me ;-)

OK, here?s my story?

I?m 31, and have a two year old son that I love dearly and who lives with me. My ex-fiancé had an affair with a Kiwi guy she met at night school and now lives in New Zealand with him. We haven?t heard from her in over six months now and she didn?t even send my son a birthday card last month so I added ?and Mummy? to my card even though I can?t stand her, and told him that one of the presents i bought him were from her.

I have brought my son up for the last year on my own, which has been pretty tough but very rewarding; I work full time and don?t seem to have the opportunity to have any kind of social life for myself. My son is my world and everything I do revolves around him, I like it this way and am happy most of the time.

I?ve kept in contact with some friends but I find it hard to tell them everything I feel and simply pretend that life is great when in fact some times I?m crumbling on the inside. I guess most blokes are not very good talking about ?feelings?.

Recently I?ve been worrying that:

A) I would find it hard to let someone in our lives and trust them
B) I?ll never find someone special who would be willing to take a single father on
C) I'll never find someone who will understand that my son will always come first
D) She will come back and take my son from me
E) She will take him to New Zealand

The thought of meeting someone new is exciting, but the truth is I never really have any time and don?t really trust babysitters as he is so young, plus he hates it when I leave him (screamed the house down on the one occasion I did).

Are there any other single fathers/mothers out there in a similar situation and how do you cope with dating or having a social life of your own?

I don't mean to moan because i know how lucky i am but its just another Friday night, at home on my own, with my best little bud asleep upstairs.

Oh and a PRO - parental responsibility order - is easy to get. So don't be afraid of any legalese.

Where does this queue for you end? It's right up the end of the virtual street and round the corner as far as I can see...

I have a Magic queue-jumping Coupon however ..

LOL IHadABetterNameButYouStoleIt

So how does your magic coupon work humanbean? Do we also get discounts on popcorn and cinema tickets?

don't all single parents worry about the similar things, especially if the other parents is involved..

fwiw, I don't think you have to keep the idea of a 'mummy' fresh in your sons mind.

kids think whatever they have in life is perfectly normal. my dd doesn't bat an eyelid that she doesn't have a dad because she is secure in the relstionships she does have.. dare say it'll all change at teens but I live in a 'cross the bridge when you come to it' mindset when it comes to raising dd

if you want to meet someone but are shy join a free dating site and just chat to people.

PS, I really think that you should rope in the grandparents to do some babysitting. DON'T feel as though you are asking something unreasonable.

I think they would want to see their grandson, and whatever went on between the two of you, she left the continent, and they WON'T blame you for moving on and wanting to be happy!

Realistically, she's probably been saying x,y,z to her parents about why she HAD to leave. And whatever they think of you as her partner/husband, they must respect you for bringing up their grandson.

hey there and welcome to mumsnet. we can be a feisty bunch but always supportive.

I am in the same boat as you - raising my son alone and i do the same things - signing his name etc in stuff. I hope that one day even if he finds out my son understands that i didnt want him to think he was not wanted. I wouldnt torture yourself with what if your ex came back. its a pretty scary idea but it hasnt happened yet and if it does we can give you all the legal advise you need.

sometimes i feel like i am going to be alone forever but i think i would rather be very very careful in future and protect my son from anymore rejection. I am 26 and it does get frustrating but i found a private sitting service in my area that helps. like you i work full time so can be isolated but why dont you try a college course in something you enjoy? or a hobby maybe?something that isnt dad.

good luck and hope we help!

LongLiveGreenElizabeth - Yes i know her parents will always take her side, i'm also sure that they blame me for her running away to NZ.

Thanks prettyfly1. Maybe i'll look into a private sitting service, i just worry about leaving him in the evening as the poor chap gets so tired and grumpy.

Perhaps i need to lighten up more... :-)

More than popcorn. I'm talking balloon rides and the Maldives. My magic coupon is like the mad Irish drunk who found a lamp under a tree and rubbed it and out popped a genie and the genie said:

"Mad Irish drunk, you have freed me from a million years of captivity. Your wish is My Command (and by this I mean a magic-genie- coupon-type-prize). What is your wish???"

And the mad Irish drunk said "Can I have a never ending bottle of guiness please?"

And the Genie said yes and POOF! he disappeared leaving the mad Irish drunk with the never-ending aforesaid bottle.

Then when he had got totally pissed on it he rubbed the lamp again, and again the magic-coupon-genie appeared and said "ok you mad Irish blighter, this is the last time I grant you a wish but since it was a MILLION years ...what do you want?"

And the mad Irish drunk said "I'll have another one of these never-ending bottles please"

God that's not very funny is it now I tell it..

But you can be damn sure a dull-as ditchwater-Kiwi bloke won't get it anyway! tee hee.

Thanks StellaWAD, i didn't even know there were services like this!

costa- if he is tried and grumpy, won't he be asleep by the time you are off out into the night with a lovely lady?

tied=tired.lol

humanbean, i did actually laugh out loud, you're a nutter... meant in the nicest possible way of course. ;-)

Balloon ride sounds great, i've always wanted to go in one since the day one made an emergency landing in my school field.

girlnextdoor - your right of course, i guess its just me that needs to relax more. I'm still learning this whole parenting thing.

Well, cotsta, she could have left you but she left her son! That's so extreme. Her own mother must find that hard to understand.

I bet that no matter HOW bad things were between you two, and I'm sure that they know every bad thing you ever did and said, they will still be wishing every minute of the day that she had just left you .. and not left her son.

I bet they are embarrassed tbh. Maybe leave that side of things for a while. You have YOUR parents for support. So long as you are not preventing her parents from seeing your son then nobody can rapproach you.

I think it's a very good idea to get into a babysitting circle with a couple of single parents near you. I would love to have somebody I could bank on nearby. I have my parents but they go out a fair bit.

Also, I'd like my children to see a young man, a role model of the same age as their friend's dads. Not my Dad who although great is in his 60s.

Desi - me too!

Ringing any bells, dryad?

we all are a little bit. its my first time so i pretty much parent by guess work. the sevice i use are all teachers and qualified minders so they know the score. it wont hurt you to take a night off every now and then and stops you becoming a grumpy and tired wee man!!

Sorry, but that joke was shite. I hate jokes which perpetuate offensive Irish stereotypes.

HOWEVER Did you hear about the Kiwi Dog? It was sitting in a corner chewing a bone. It stood up and it had only three legs! Boom boom.

Obviously I'm a total hypocrite, because that doesn't seem offensive at all

Just CAT'd you Desi, as i've lost your email addy!

I'm half Irish (fathers side) so its seems ok to laugh at Irish jokes...

As for your kiwi one, well i have my reasons for laughing at that too...

My dad was a single dad too.

Your DS is young enough to adapt to another woman in his life, and he probably doesn't remember much about his mom anyway?

I was much older when my parents split up and was horrible to step mom when my dad remarried.

but agree with green elizabeth - a childless woman might find it difficult. Not because women without children are horrible, but because women with children are used to putting their children first, which is what you're doing...

It will all work out...

Thanks ilovemydog - It would be nice to meet a girl but its not the be all and end all.

Right now i'm more looking forward to a pint down the pub without any hassle and worry!