Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have started to think DH may be having an affair.

107 replies

nnamechanger · 17/07/2008 15:26

Reasons

  1. he has lost a bit of weight recently.
  2. he has started going to the gym 3-4 times a week.
  3. he keeps his phone on silent.
  4. he goes "out for a drink after work" maybe once a week.
  5. he goes "to practice his golf" 3 times a week.
  6. he is'nt as interested in sex as he used to be.
OP posts:
Original poster
nnamechanger · 17/07/2008 16:42

If i jump him he usually responds. I am doing all the jumping though.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 17/07/2008 16:43

Is his golf teacher female?

WheresTheAuPair · 17/07/2008 16:45

maybe you both need a date with each other? my friend had this recently- he was going out with his work mates and the gym etc. she was left working/looking after the kids so they never went out with each other. since they started having dates together again things have got much better.

NorthernLurker · 17/07/2008 16:46

Have you considered a health issue? Weight loss plus him being quieter than usual plus a lessening of interest in sex could all add up to a health problem. Is he over 40? He could be exercising to help with this and as for the phone - mine is nearly always on silent because of work and I'm certainly not having an affair!

Original poster
nnamechanger · 17/07/2008 16:49

We go out once a month already. Doesn't sound much but it is quite often - isn't it?

It was me who encouraged him to gym - he has hereditary high bp (which has come down)

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 17/07/2008 16:50

um
no not really

DH and I go out twice a week usually (together)

WheresTheAuPair · 17/07/2008 16:52

well that was my 2p's worth. works for some....

Original poster
nnamechanger · 17/07/2008 16:53

Well we don't have any babysitters close by and we cannot afford more than twice a month really.

We do go out in the evenings as a family - its the next best thing when you have no babysitters.

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 17/07/2008 16:54

Do you ^know the BP is down - i mean did you go to the docs with him and see the reading? Because if you didn't I would be a lot more worried about that side of things than anything else tbh.

Original poster
nnamechanger · 17/07/2008 16:56

Yes I go to docs with him. IT's down since he lost weight and started exercising more.

OP posts:
Original poster
nnamechanger · 17/07/2008 16:57

OK
I've just found an unopened mobile phone bill. I opened it and it had the invoice - but nothing itemised.

OP posts:
welshlinz · 17/07/2008 16:58

I think it's totally natural for you to get like this if things have changed suddenly, especially the phone on silent thing.
Although,in his defence if he was having an affair, the phone would ALWAYS be with him for fear of someone phoning or texting whilst he was in the shower etc.. Also, does he check his phone alot ? Another classic sign to look out for.

plantsitter · 17/07/2008 16:58

Exercise is like a benevolent circle though isn't it? He's exercising therefore he's feeling happier. He's stronger so his golf game is improving, so he wants to play more. He's feeling more energetic so he can be bothered to go for a drink with his colleagues. Doesn't explain the phone and the sex I agree, but you could even pretend to look at his phone while he's in the room and if he gets jumpy - ask him.

Original poster
nnamechanger · 17/07/2008 16:59

Yes he checks his phone ALL the time. But he says he has to as it's on silent

OP posts:
welshlinz · 17/07/2008 17:09

I think it would be a really good idea to sit down and talk things through with him if you can. Don't mention your suspicions but go round it by saying you've noticed a difference in his character and feel a bit uneasy about everything which you've never felt before. He'll probably put your mind at ease totally as it sounds like you have a very close relationship with each other normally. Good luck x

AtheneNoctua · 17/07/2008 17:15

So, you can't afford babysitters, but he goes out for drinks all the time, joined a gym, and play lots of golf (which is not exactly a cheap sport). Stuff that. Unless of course you have a bunch of expensive hobbies you haven't mentioned.

My DH keeps his phone on silent. But, it's becaue he's the most anti social person there ever was. He puts it on silent and leaves it upstairs so he doesn't have to talk to anyone who has the gall to dial his number. He's even asked me to stop leaving voice mails so he won't have to be bothered playing them. I didn't grant the request. I told him if he didn't want to play the message, he should answer the phone. My husband the hermet. God only knows what he ever saw in me.

itati · 17/07/2008 17:16

I wish I knew what to say.

He could be entirely innocent.
He could be having a flirtation.
He could be having an affair.

The only way you will find out is to talk to him and lay it on the line if he isn't, he has to stop being so secretive and making you feel like he is cheating.

Remind him of what he has to lose and then back off. Let the dust settle and see what happens.

If he truly has nothing to hide and loves you, imo, he would stop all the suspicious behaviour.

HappyWoman · 17/07/2008 17:17

Could be nothing - and lets hope so. But to all those people who say 'my h does those things and i know he is not having an affair' That is exactly what every wife thinks too .
If you are feeling a bit suspicious it is for a reason - and there is no harm in checking it out. It is scary and part of you does not really want to find out the worst but you know you have to for your own sanity if nothing else.
Also about the phone - even in the middle of my h affair he would leave the phone around and i even checked it a couple of times - there were a lot of calls to and from a woman at work but i knew they were working on a project together anyway. He did delete a lot of things too.
Believe me no-one needs their phone on 24/7, it is not healthy and the constantly checking it would be enough to make me feel uncomfortable.

Hope it all works out for you.

Original poster
nnamechanger · 17/07/2008 17:28

I didn't say we couldn't afford babysitters. We just don't have any.

It's not the money issue side of things. I go out with my friends a couple of times a month

I don't want to get into that.

I have offered to collect him from the pub (as its pissing down with rain and it's not unusual for us to collect each other) so should I go early just to see?

OP posts:
itati · 17/07/2008 17:33

If you want to, go.

CountessDracula · 17/07/2008 17:36

you could always go 30 mins early and take the kids in and say you fancied a drink, then try and suss out who is there and how he is reacting

AtheneNoctua · 17/07/2008 17:37

FWIW, I think there is still a good chance he is not having an affair. But, something is probably troubling him.

itati · 17/07/2008 17:42

I feel sad about this. You clearly don't trust him as you are trying to catch him out. Just talk to him.

CountessDracula · 17/07/2008 17:49

I think if people suddenly change their behaviour and act in an untrustworthy way then they should expect to be questioned about it.

CountessDracula · 17/07/2008 17:50

It's better than blithely carrying on in a fingers in ears way

Swipe left for the next trending thread