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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have started to think DH may be having an affair.

107 replies

nnamechanger · 17/07/2008 15:26

Reasons

  1. he has lost a bit of weight recently.
  2. he has started going to the gym 3-4 times a week.
  3. he keeps his phone on silent.
  4. he goes "out for a drink after work" maybe once a week.
  5. he goes "to practice his golf" 3 times a week.
  6. he is'nt as interested in sex as he used to be.
OP posts:
nnamechanger · 17/07/2008 15:49

Maybe.

Do you think I'm being silly? DH is such a lovely, caring, content man I cannot quite believe I am thinking all this.

OP posts:
Neeerly3 · 17/07/2008 15:50

sorry, i just don't get why a loving trusting wife would think the worst of those list of things in the OP...nothing in that list jumped out at me at all as alarm bells.

CountessDracula · 17/07/2008 15:51

I once thought my dh was having an affair

he became distant and withdrawn and didn't like snuggling up on the sofa. He was also grumpy and sometimes went off for a walk on his own which was not like him.

It turned out he has started smoking again (after traumatic birth of dd where I nearly died) but he didn't want me to know.

So he would lurk at the other end of the sofa so i coudn't smell the smoke and he would be grumpy cos he was craving a fag.

When I confronted him and asked if he was having an affair and he told me what it was I wanted to hit him and hug him at the same time!

So it's not always what you think...

CountessDracula · 17/07/2008 15:51

Neerly nothing wrong with guarding what you have...

ChopsTheDuck · 17/07/2008 15:52

I think you are worrying too much too. My dp could tick 5/6 and he def is nto having an affair. Also, no6 could well be linked to no2. My dp is a bit tired atm with dieting and gym and so not so interested in sex.

I think you need to think a bit more about why you have these concerns.

ChopsTheDuck · 17/07/2008 15:52

agree with cd about that too. My dp goes all distant and moody every so often. It is usually down to money worries and he won't talk about it until I've nagged it out of him, then he is fine again.

Neeerly3 · 17/07/2008 15:53

i thought perhaps you wanted to hear someone saying "no your DH is not having an affair" rather than lots of posts from people agreeing with you.

Hecate · 17/07/2008 15:54

Does the gym have a creche to pop the kids into? Do you have a car so you could pop in with the kids? Do you not live near any family members who could take the kids for an hour? Could you afford Sitters? Do you have a friend who could pop round to where he says he is and 'bump' into him. Are you unable to leave the house if he's not there (ie no car or public transport) if not, then you can go places he claims to be. "Just took the kids for a walk/drive, thought we'd pop in and say hi"
So many options.

I find that if someone is trying to hide something like that, they will betray themselves in their response to the idea of you turning up! So even if you can't get a babysitter, you could phone him and tell him that you are going to ask your brother/sister/mother/friend to babysit and you can join him straight away, and where is he so you can get a taxi. If he's pleased, then great (and you can phone back and tell him soandso wasn't answering the phone). If he's terrified, you have your answer.

Of course, that's all sneaky and not the best way to conduct a relationship, far better to lay your cards on the table! Sadly, many men lie through their teeth even when confronted.

But these are so many assumptions. Maybe it's a midlife crisis, or problems at work, or someone's making jokes about him getty pudgy or a million other things. Perhaps he's depressed, or stressed?

nnamechanger · 17/07/2008 16:00

He's not grumpy, or moody, he seems happier than ever...!

He is going for a drink after work tonight, I might ask him where and just turn up with the children.

Failing that I am going to ask him outright tonight.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 17/07/2008 16:04

I would say that is prob not a good idea
If he is going out after work it would prob be with a group of people so you wouldn't achieve anything by going along!

nnamechanger · 17/07/2008 16:07

OK I'll not do that then.
I still plan to ask him tonight. Unless I chicken out.

OP posts:
girlnextdoor · 17/07/2008 16:09

sorry but don't go along with all this sneeky phone stuff- you still have to talk to him even if you find things out.

Just ask- even in a jokey way. God- you're married to him! Why worry about upsetting him if you are wrong? Just can't understand that..blame MN if you have to for getting ideas

CountessDracula · 17/07/2008 16:09

hey
don't take my word for it!

I jsut think that if he was going out with one woman he would be unlikely to tell you where he was really going. More likely he is either innocent and going out with a group or he has his sights set on someone who is part of group

CountessDracula · 17/07/2008 16:09

I agree
best to talk

AtheneNoctua · 17/07/2008 16:26

I was very unhappy with my marriage a while back. So I built up my social life and joined a gym. These things get me out of the house 3 or 4 nights a week. I have deffo never had an affair. I'm not that kind of girl. I am now happier because I have a bit less fat and I've just found things I like to do.

I'm still heavier than I'd like to be, but I least I can get up on SAturday morning and run 5 miles and feel like I've accomplished something. It does make me happier.

CountessDracula · 17/07/2008 16:27

ah but did you suddenly start to put your mobile on silent?

Sorry to hear you were unhappy
Hope things better now.

beanieb · 17/07/2008 16:29

Could you 'hide' his phone. ie move it and then see what kind of a panic he gets in? Shove it down the back of the sofa or something.

AtheneNoctua · 17/07/2008 16:32

God no. If I put my phone on silent it would interfere with my social life. Don't be silly.

Yes, better now. Thanks.

CountessDracula · 17/07/2008 16:34

good

AtheneNoctua · 17/07/2008 16:34

If it was me next time he said he was going out, I'd say "Again? If I didn't know better I'd think you were having an affair." And then check the discomfort rating.

morningpaper · 17/07/2008 16:35

Ring golf course / gym when he is there in panic asking whether he's taken your phone/car keys because you think you have lost it/them

That will put your mind at rest

WheresTheAuPair · 17/07/2008 16:38

i'd check the phone as i'm nosy...my Dh frequently checks mine and he's just as bad! (as if i do anything that exciting at home with a toddler all day!) saying that- we often swap phones/answer each others so there's not much privacy round here really . His phone is always on silent -just vibrates. He says it irritates him ringing so there could be a v.reasonable explanation anyway.
The lack of sex bit would worry me tho- what happens when you jump him?

morningpaper · 17/07/2008 16:40

has his handicap improved at all?

nnamechanger · 17/07/2008 16:41

AThene - thats not my style. it's kind of sarcasm/argument inducing talk is it not? I'd rather be more to the point.

I have just asked him if he wanted me to pick him up - he replied "I'm going out" i said "I know, I meant from the pub" and he said "OK 7"

after a long pause. Should I go in 5 mins early or is that daft?

I don't even know which pub.

OP posts:
nnamechanger · 17/07/2008 16:41

LOL MP
he says it has

OP posts:
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