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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had a another row, help please.

31 replies

Dontknownow · 14/07/2008 17:08

I don't really know where to start. Me and H had a row on Saturday night during which he had his hands round my throat, grabbed my arms, pushed me, pulled my headphones off twice and then when I started telling me to leave he refused.

I was on one side of a door with him on the other, I was trying to keep him out. He kept pushing against it and I now have bruised up both my arms from the door hitting me and the door had holes in where he punched it.

One of the children then woke up and he stopped and went up to them. I nearly called the police at the time but I was scared. He kept tellign me to call them as they wouldn't do anything and that he wouldn't leave. I kept telling him to leave.

When he started at first I was trying to stop him so was trying to push him away and he says I was flailing at him.

During this he told me I was lazy, noone else would want me, I'm nothing without him and that I'd have nothing without him. The next day he says he didn't mean it but he said it was as much my fault as his.

I really don't feel I like him much anymore but what can I do? How can I make him leave if he won't? I don't even know if I should, maybe it was my fault too.

He also doesn't think pulling my headphones off is wrong at all and isn't violent apparently.

OP posts:
hanaflowerisnothana · 14/07/2008 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 14/07/2008 17:11

Eeek! That doesnt sound good. Sorry

There are no excuses for his behaviour. At all.

He needs to acknowledge that.

HAve to say though - re headphones.... if he was trying to talk to you and you kept putting headphones on I could see why he would pull them off you. But, not knowing the context in which he did that, I cant say whether he had a right to or not.

Doodle2U · 14/07/2008 17:13

Next time....

CALL.
THE.
POLICE.

Regardless of who said / did what, he is using his superior strength to control you.

He is using words such as "you are nothing without me" to belittle and ultimately, to control you.

Whether he agrees with it or not, he is absusing you.

Take action now. Plan for your escape.

Anglepoise · 14/07/2008 17:14

Technically speaking, any sort of physical contact can be an assault.

Is the house owned or rented, and in whose names?

Anglepoise · 14/07/2008 17:17

That was re the headphones point btw.

If you want to split up then whose fault the argument was is a bit irrelevant imo.

mumblechum · 14/07/2008 17:17

What an arse.

That sort of behaviour can be dealt with by way of an injunction in two parts:

  1. Non molestation, which means the court orders him not to assault, harrass or interfere with you (usuallylasts about 6 or 12 months). If he breaches the injunction he goes to prison for contempt of court

and?or

  1. Occupation order whereby he's ordered to get out of the house and stay out, and at the same time to pay the mortgage & bills.

You don't have to put up with this shit.

Get yourself an appointment asap with a family lawyer. You can find a local one on www.resolution.org.uk

TheUnsinkableMB · 14/07/2008 17:20

Please do call the police if it ever happens again.
If he's being abusive towards you, they would make him leave.

You do not have to put up with this.

Original poster
Dontknownow · 14/07/2008 17:20

I had my headphones on and was doing something when he started raising his voice to me so I didn't respond, not wanting to get into an arguement. He pulled them off me, I put them back on and he did it again. It was after that that he put his hands round my thoat.

I wish I had called them now.

I'm finding it so difficult though as I do feel it's partly "normal", I grew up in an abusive house and was abused myself, emotionally and physically. He has been speaking to me like this for as long as I can remember, but I feel so used to it.

Owned house in both names.

OP posts:
beanieb · 14/07/2008 17:22

why are you worried about the headphones when he had his handds around your throat and was banging the door so hard there are hiles in it!!?

Everything else I would put down to a bad argument which got a bit out of hand, but if he was trying to throttle you and was hitting so hard there is damage to the door then I think I would feel very unsafe!

Original poster
Dontknownow · 14/07/2008 17:30

I really don't know beanie, I worry about what I'll do on my own. I find it hard at times and we have a younger dc who doesn't sleep that well.

He tells me that I'm the one that's being unreasonable and he denies putting his hands round my throat at all.

OP posts:
Anglepoise · 14/07/2008 17:32

It sounds as though you need legal advice if you want to split. In the short term, you can make him leave if he's violent towards you; in the long term, you may need to sell the house and split the proceeds between you, depending on how the family finances work out.

If you decide to stay, you need to work out ways of protecting yourself eg being willing to call the police, having somewhere you can go at short notice etc. Bear in mind though that social services may take a dim view of your DCs experiencing abuse between you.

Original poster
Dontknownow · 14/07/2008 17:35

The children weren't up at the time and were asleep, the baby woke up but he does a lot anyway. I don't argue around them either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknownow · 14/07/2008 23:25

.

OP posts:
harpomarx · 14/07/2008 23:31

poor you, dontknow.

As someone who is out of an abusive relationship (though not physical), I can tell you nothing your kids can throw at you is hard in comparison with living with an abusive partner. YOur dc's sleep problems are not a reason to stay with someone you are frightened of. Yes, being a single parent can be hard but it is calm hard, iykwim.

Original poster
Dontknownow · 14/07/2008 23:34

I've been thinking about leaving for so long, I can just never seem to take the first step. What's wrong with me?

OP posts:
MrsMacaroon · 14/07/2008 23:46

hope you find the strength to end this relationship as it's guaranteed to continue down this path of violence and verbal abuse and chances are your children will either witness or become a victim of his behaviour...

maybe you could get some counselling on your own (he needn't know) to help put everything into perspective, deal with your past and discuss strategies of dealing with your fear of the future without your partner.

you can take babies along to counselling sessions, can attend relate on your own also...don't waste time feeling bad about why you feel you aren't strong enough to leave- it's normal for someone who comes from an abusive background and is in such a relationship to feel trapped and unable to put their foot down. start trying to think positively about what steps you can make to work towards moving forward and ensuring a safer and more emotionally stable environment for your children so they don't end up in your situation in 20 years time.

harpomarx · 14/07/2008 23:49

I think that is often the case in abusive relationships, dontknow, it certainly was for me. The thing is your self-esteem and confidence take a battering by living with someone like this, you start to doubt your judgement because they are constantly telling you that you are wrong etc. Various things helped me, such as seeking professional help (went to CRI at one point) and, probably most importantly, telling friends and family what was going on. If you can see your situation through someone else's eyes it can help you see how unacceptable it is and maybe give you the strength to make a decisive move.

Original poster
Dontknownow · 14/07/2008 23:56

I've spent my whole life being this person, how do I change? I know it's not right deep down, I hate myself for putting up this. I always thought I never would.

OP posts:
harpomarx · 15/07/2008 00:05

do you have anyone you can stay with, dontknow? if you really want to leave, do it. you can sort out legal matters, housing etc once you're out of this relationship. A solicitor can help you. I had to move out of our shared property because my ex just wasn't going to go. Having to do this gave me the strength to sort things out and finally get back into our home with dd - when ex finally agreed to move out.

harpomarx · 15/07/2008 00:08

got to hit the sack now, dontknow. hope someone else will be along soon if you still want to talk.

possiblymaybe · 15/07/2008 00:09

I recently got out of abusive and violent relationship.
It's been a very hard thing to do- I've tried before and came back to him-and wouldn't be able to do it this time if it wasn't for my brother and police.

Two things that really helped me:

  1. calling police: 1st time when he hit me and then when he became really abusive and violent again (even though he didn't hit again)
  1. telling my close friends and family what has been happening

I've got a 1 year old dd and it's very, very hard but a relief of not being scared every night that he's going to kick off again is just
priceless.

Take care of yourself regardless what you decide to do at the moment.

NumberJill · 15/07/2008 00:12

Your children's sleep problems might stop when they no longer live in an abusive family. You need to split up with him, next time he touches you in an aggressive fashion, call the police and have him arrested and charged

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Original poster
Dontknownow · 15/07/2008 00:18

Thanks.

It's only the youngest that sleep well, I co-slept and bf until recently and that's the reason why he wakes a lot. Thanks for making me feel even worse though

OP posts:
NumberJill · 15/07/2008 00:25

You need to face reality, sorry. Your children live in an abusive family, fact, and it's up to you to remedy it. I haven't made you feel bad, it wasn't me to wrapped my hands around your throat while your children slept upstairs.

You need to leave, you have been burying your head in the sand, and I not only sympathise, I empathise - but the difficulty and reluctance you feel does not lessen the urgency with which you must act. Ring women's aid, speak to their advisers.

MrsMacaroon · 15/07/2008 00:31

numberjill was trying to help and you would do well to follow her advise.

nobody knows the exact ins and outs of your family life, only what you wrote.