When will he understand that I ONLY work part time and cannot contribute HALF of everything!!!

[Needtonamechange]

Am soooo fed up today, not just about this but lots of reasons, but this is a re-curring theme in our relationship.

When DS came along we agreed I would go back p/t which has obviously significantly reduced my income (not to mention career prospects).

I am happy enough with this state of affairs as I want to be with ds as much as possible and am willing to give up my financial independence at least temporarily.

Discussed finances with Dp when pregnant and agreed that he would continue paying the mortgage (its his house in any case, not mine) and I would pay the bills, half the childcare, half the grocery, my car expenses, half of leisure/holiday stuff.

Basically once this is done I have nil left for myself /to save etc.

Dp earns a really good wage (higher taxbracket earner) but is a self confessed tight arse. He had a tantrum last weekend as we had a rare night without ds and i wanted to go out for a meal. DP completely ruined it by starting a row in the car beforehand which he then admitted was due to not wanting to 'spend all his money on eating out!!' This is a recurring theme in our relationship and erodes any enjoyment we could have.

To top it off this morning dp asked me to increase the amount I give him for bills as they have gone up. I said no, because I literally do not have it and you do. I then suggested to go back full time as am so bloody fed up with this same old conversation. He said no way too me going back f/t and the only reason for that is beacause he would have to fork out more on his half of childcare.

Sorry for rant, just needed to get it all out!

You don't need to get married but you need to have a legal claim on the house. If you have no money to put into the capital you need to get put on the papers, and have a contract drawn up saying that you own a % of the house after his deposit is returned to him, plus interest (if he makes any). That way, you start from now, and he doesn't lose anything he has put in. He has to recognise that you need to have a stake in the house for your own security, and by fathering a child with you he has caused that necessity.
This system of him paying the mortgage and you paying half the bills has to stop. You need to add up all your joint expenses, which includes mortgage, bills, food etc. Say this amount comes to £1200 per month. Say he brings in £1500 a month, and you bring in £500 a month. He should pay £1100 and you pay £100 so that you are both left with £400 at the end. If he won't do that then you need to add up the monetary value of what you do and include that in the figures, to show him how much you save by not paying someone to do that! And dare let him say you freeload.
Good luck

And so his ex fucked him over. Are YOU his ex? Why should YOU be paying for (quite literally) his issues with her and his own past?

If you think you're going to recover financially from staying with this man even longer trying to make something that's long broken work, you're very sadly mistaken.

I feel sorry for your son, because his father is emotionally abusive to his mother and his mother takes it on the pretext that somehow, this will make a child happier.

Children know from an early age what the score is. They can pick up on things like tension and stress in the home better than a horse can pick up on a rainstorm that won't be through for another 10 miles.

And how are you planning on saving all this money and putting away into your pension when he's levying increased charges on your to pay the bills? Think those are going to get cheaper?

'I read about what other people on here have to live with and it makes me think I am not so unlucky, or maybe I am kidding myself!!'

Understatement of the year! People don't 'have' to live with anything - this is a free country where people have the right to leave their partners for whatever reason they see fit.

There's a difference between having to and chosing to.

Best of luck, you're going to need it!

Needtonamechange,

Re your comment:-
"Why don't I leave? Well I suppose deep down I want to 'make it work'. My parents seperated when I was 8 and My mum never recovered financially, it was a struggle. I don't want that for myself and ds and like I said i have such a dread of that. I want to provide my ds with a proper happy family with his mum and dad together".

You are together in the same house but on every other level you're poles apart. You cannot make it work if the other party will not budge.

You are with a selfish, controlling man who only thinks of his own self, such men as well rarely change. He's onto a good thing with you because he can have sex with no commitment. You're doing the lion's share of the childcare whilst he keeps the cash. This man won't even let you go full time - if that is not controlling you then what is?. I think the above is why you stay but even though you are together currently you're struggling badly (child benefit does not go far) and this issue keeps cropping up. It will be ever thus - unless you change how you react to him. You can only change your own self.

I sincerely hope you do not see yourself actually as his next of kin as well (in the event of his death) because you are not. His next of kin are his parents - I hope you get on well with them. You are not related to him, you have no rights in law and your whole relationship situation is precarious with him holding all the cards. If he were to die suddenly you would be in one hell of a financial mess.

And just because there isn't a mum and a dad doesn't mean there can't be a proper, happy family.

Hi Expat

I know what you are saying but I do think you are being a bit harsh!

My Dp unboubtably has issues with money and trust in financial matters, it is pissing me off and yes it is putting me in a financially vulnerable position, at leats for the next few years.

But i am a great believer in not throwing the baby uot with the bath water IYKWIM. I don't believe at all that to be a 'proper' family it has to be mum, dad and 2.4 kids but having never experienced a traditional family life at this stage in my life I really want to try to make it work. Also if I am truthful yes I would rather be in the position I am in than work three jobs like my mum did for years. Doesn't mean I don't want to try to make my own'our position better.

Having read otherpeoples posts/advice I think I have to make a commitment to myself to ensure my own financial security, whilst continuing to work on the issues with DP.

I do beleive there are levels of problems and I wouldn't put Dp in the category of abuser. He may be less than ideal with regards finances but in many other ways he is a good man and a loving and interested father.

I am really grateful for the posts but I don't think you can translate a problem in one area into an automatic end of relationship scenario. Also I dont thinik this is a purely male 'issue' as i have several friens who are financially upwardly mobile who have asked their dp's/DH's to sign a deed of trust when buying a house or if they have moved in.

To answer another post, I am Dp's legally appointed NOK and vise versa, we both have wills and thank goodness neither of us would have to worry about money if the other died.

Needto, I'm not hte only one saying it, but hey ho, I'm nearly always singled out so carry on.

MANY have come on here and shared their experiences of living with a person like the father of your child.

Several have told you of how they wound up destitute by staying with such an individual.

You started a thread, and people respond, and it might not all be hugs and flowers.

You say you're going to work on issues with this person, well, best of luck seeing as that from your posts he's not interested in doing that.

If you think someone treating you like less than a tenant is worth it, hey, it's your life.

Expat

i'm not singling you out, yu are right a lot of people have said very similar things too you, its just yur post was the most recent. I really am grateful for peoples replies, I wanted to get a bit of an idea of how my DP's behaviour 'ranked' in the grand scheme of things, which i think I have done!

Not expecting hugs and flowers either, but just saying there are reasns to stay and reasons to go and at the moment there are just more reasons to stay.

Thankfully i am unlikely to end up destitute as I am fortunate to have a reasonably well paid job (if full time).

Absolutely Expat. My children and I, and children's maternal grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and second cousins! are a happy 'functioning' family.

Getting a grip, does your daughter look at your situation and think, hmm, lesson learnt, or is she a little blind to her father's faults? Just wondering how my daughter will view things when she's older.

OP, I can really sympathise with this comment, "Why don't I leave? Well I suppose deep down I want to 'make it work'. My parents seperated when I was 8 and My mum never recovered financially, it was a struggle. I don't want that for myself and ds and like I said i have such a dread of that. I want to provide my ds with a proper happy family with his mum and dad together".

Butyou are not getting another stab at your parent's relationship here. Your mother never recovered financially from splitting with your father when you were eight. How long had they been together? At least nine/ten years obviously. Perhaps if she had got out sooner she would have recovered financially.

My father left my mum when she was 45. Life was bloody tough for her but thank god he decided to reveal his true colours when he did, because if he'd chosen to hang around for another ten years and then do the dirty she really would never have recovered financially. As it was she did a degree, climbed near to the top of her profession and is now the outright owner of a lovely little house less than ten miles from her grandchildren, retired, and pursuing interests she never had when she was busy being my father's personal servant.

In my experience as child of divorcees, children of divorced parents can go one of two ways. They either abhor marriage completely, or are so desperate to make it work they will tolerate almost anything rather than "fail" like their parents. I am lucky, I don't have to tolerate my DH, he is great. But if one day he stops being so great I will not fear failure. My mum admits now he should have left my father years before. Please think of yourself. Your "D"P certainly is thinking of himself.

Georgie Mama thank you for your sensitive comments, I think there is a lot of wisdom in what you say. I am glad that your mum found a better path for herself, it must be a very powerful thing to see a loved one make such a brave and ultimately successful decision.

I don't think i am ready to give up on my relationship just yet,but if that time comes i hope things work out as well for me. X

just say no, I can't contribute more and pay off more of your own debts.

Next thing you know he's going to come up with some twisted argument such as you should pay more towards utilities as you use more staying at home all day!

Just sit him down and TELL him that's what families do in this transitory stage of early years. If you as a family can not afford a PT stay at home mum than you as a family must make the decision you'll go back full time. End of story.

Just keep in mind what others have said about where this sort of relationship may go and cover your back know.

A Few words. Ok its nice to know your not the only one with a dp who is mean with money. doesnt mean that its right or making anyone happy.

I have no income at present as have just had a baby. My dp works and is on a moderate wage.
He is not mean with money, but in the event of a row likes to throw at me how he works hard to keep us whilst i sit at home all day doing nothing ( yes i know i know).
He uses the fact that he pays for everthing to control what i do.

I will return to work and contribute best i can, but i am doing it for the reason thats come up so many times in this thread - men have a habit of leaving you in the lurch!

LLGElizabeth...my daughter is happier than she has ever been. So is my son now, although it was more difficult for him. I really really wish I had left ten years ago. I thought I was 'doing the right thing' by staying. It was completely the wrong thing.

My children will not repeat my mistakes, my daughter is so wise. a year down the line my ex still thinks I am 'mad', we will see what the judge thinks about that in a couple of months!

Why would a man change who has everything his way? The only thing you can change is yourself. Look after yourself, rely on no-one

My x thinks I'm mad too. So although I am really glad I left, if I'd been hanging out for the satisfaction of his 'epiphany', when he realised it was all his fault for treating me so badly........ then I'd be frustrated. But I care less and less. I had thought he would suddenly 'SEE' it. GET it. But I accept now he never will. He'll always hate me and blame me. But that's not my fault and it's not my problem.

Glad your children are happy. I am glad I left wehn I did. Just before eldest child started prper school.

Good luck in court. I hope people are unhappy living with a *&^%$£ read your posts and think........ I AM going to leave. I WILL do it.

"people WHO are unhappy" I meant to type.

This is a brilliant book.....

But I Love Him: Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships: Jill Murray.

For the mothers of sons there is also....
The Courage to Raise Good Men: Olga Silverstein, Beth Rashbaum

Of course, when I was first married there was nothing like the knowledge and support that is available now. Nor tax credits!

I am very very cautious about posting as I know how difficult it is to do the right thing for yourself and your children, but I know now it is never right for girls or boys to stay in a situation that is killing one of the parents. They see that as normal and then go on to do that same thing themselves. I myself was the product of an abusive father, and passive mother of course.

Women must always make sure they have some of their own money and power. But that's easy to say! Not so easy to do when you are stuck at home with small children.

Another brilliant book for those whose husbands/partners tell them they are doing 'nothing' at home all day is...

What Mothers do, especially When it Looks like they are doing nothing, Naomi Stadlen

So the next time your partner has a go at you for doing nothing all day, just ask him if he would like his child to end up like those poor Rumanian orphans headbanging in their cots if anyone remembers those poor souls, because thats what lack of a mother's love does to children.

Anyway, I wish all women good luck in life, we may think we have it better here than in some cultures where women are considered to be lower than the family donkey, but it really is the same the world over. We are just luckier in that we have the opportunity to make something of ourselves if we are brave.

Thanks for posting that gettingagrip. I would hate for my son to turn into his father or my daughter to endure what I endured, even for a while.

Sounds morbid, but I used to think the only way my x would have realisee I was genuinely very busy would have been if I had died.