When will he understand that I ONLY work part time and cannot contribute HALF of everything!!!

[Needtonamechange]

Am soooo fed up today, not just about this but lots of reasons, but this is a re-curring theme in our relationship.

When DS came along we agreed I would go back p/t which has obviously significantly reduced my income (not to mention career prospects).

I am happy enough with this state of affairs as I want to be with ds as much as possible and am willing to give up my financial independence at least temporarily.

Discussed finances with Dp when pregnant and agreed that he would continue paying the mortgage (its his house in any case, not mine) and I would pay the bills, half the childcare, half the grocery, my car expenses, half of leisure/holiday stuff.

Basically once this is done I have nil left for myself /to save etc.

Dp earns a really good wage (higher taxbracket earner) but is a self confessed tight arse. He had a tantrum last weekend as we had a rare night without ds and i wanted to go out for a meal. DP completely ruined it by starting a row in the car beforehand which he then admitted was due to not wanting to 'spend all his money on eating out!!' This is a recurring theme in our relationship and erodes any enjoyment we could have.

To top it off this morning dp asked me to increase the amount I give him for bills as they have gone up. I said no, because I literally do not have it and you do. I then suggested to go back full time as am so bloody fed up with this same old conversation. He said no way too me going back f/t and the only reason for that is beacause he would have to fork out more on his half of childcare.

Sorry for rant, just needed to get it all out!

It's becoming clear that there is a lot going on in this relationship. You need some seriously good legal and financial advice. You will be entitled to things but he has (most suspiciously) kept you away from the main asset ie the property.

Most people who live together in their partner's house do not sign waivers disclaiming rights to the property. That is very unusual in my experience.
If no legal agreement has been reached and the non-home-owning partner has an understanding with the home owner that they will have a share in the property and has acted to their detriment as a result - eg paying half the mortgage (or even the bills and repairs or for building work) then a court can order that they are owed a share of the value of the house. But this is difficult and expensive to fight out in court.

micci25 why does he not just put your name on the deeds?

Many do sign waivers. It's to safeguard the banks against any number of lodgers claiming they paid towards the mortgage. You are in a partnership and you have a child together. Your name should be on the deeds unless for some reason you don't want the responsibility of home ownership.

I think you should invoice him for the childcare you do. He sounds very immature and is not treating you like a life partner.

From a practical point of view this relationship sounds in real danger and you need to protect you and your DC. I would visit CAB and find out what rights you do have. Financially you might be better off without him - and he would have to pay child maintenance. If he found out he would be worse off financailly he might just grow up abit.

i dont think he can as my credit rating is shocking and i cant get a morgate!!! we did try to get me on the morgate but i was turned down and i trust him anyway not to sell the property out from under me! the legal agreements are simply to make things easier and clearer! i dont think we will ever need them!! dp can be a tosser at times but hes not a bad guy, just lazy and childish!!!!!! i cant count the amounts of times i have been going to leave him!! i still am leaving him actually! but its always me initiating this never him so i dont think i need to worry about him throwing me out!!!

hes helping me repair my credit rating so that i can get on the next morgate as we are not planning on staying in house for a long term as its only two bedrooms and he wants more children (i dont but have agreed that it can be open for discussion at some point)

why not give him a bill for the hours work you do at home with DS ect?

Needtonamechange you sound like you are in a horible position. You really do need some sort of counselling if you two have any chance of making it through as a couple.

Yes crap things happened to him in previous relationships. Guess what, bad things happen to lots of people. My DH ended up paying half of the profits from his house to his ex girlfriend who never contributed a penny to the relationship and had expensive tastes in hideous gothic style Victorian furniture, because he was stupid enough to put her on the mortgage. He managed to get over it, people do. Don't feel you have to keep on making allowances for him.

what a wanker

Sounds like it is as much about power as about money - he is controlling everything, and ensuring that you don't have any freedom with the money you earn. It sounds really hard. The other advice on this thread is very good.

OMG I could have written this OP 5 years ago, as I was in the same position.

XP own his house b4 we met and he earned twice what I did. He paid the mortgage and I paid for the food shopping and the bills as this was a roughly equal amount.

Problem was also equal to(and often more) than my total wages so i never had anything where as XP still had half his wages to spend on luxuries for himself.

If I complained about this I got told I was luck to be living in "his" house rent free. He also always claimed he wanted to put my name on the deeds 'but it would cost too much' and as I wasnt paying the mortgage I could leave himan 'take half the house witho paying a penny'

This was all just a symptom of the controlling relationship. As he was the only one with spare cash, he decided what we did, where we went, who we saw etc.

When I finally left him after 7 years of this, I was homeless, penniless(in debt in fact), had lost touch with most of my family/friends and had just one bag of clothes to my name. It is still the best thing I did though.

He clearly has issues of trust, and perhaps those are the ones you need to be dealing with: the disease, not the symptom which is being a tightwad.

Looking at it another way, have you made a will together? it rapidly becomes clear when you do this that if you own your house as tenants in common your kids get to pay much less inheritance tax on it if you should both get wiped out by a passing lorry, than if one of you owns it alone. Would providing for them be enough to help him understand there are two of you in this? It might also help him to understand that while you are married and you are contributing financially to the marriage in some way, and non-financially with services such as childcare etc you do have some claim on all of the assets, including the house, should you split.

When our ds was born as dh gave up his job to look after him full time, we both closed our individual bank accounts and only had the joint one, through which we have put all our finances (all earned by me). We've had many an argument in our married life, but never one about money.

this an absolute relationship deal-breaker for me. for you

This is not very helpful but I'll say it anyway - your dp sounds like an arse!

By choosing to work part time for the good of your ds you are sacrificing current earnings and also disadvantaging your career significantly to benefit both ds and dp - so you are making BIG economic sacrifices both short and long term.

I think that if your dp does not treat you as an equal - ie put you on the house deeds and share income such that you both have equal discretionary spending money each month - then to protect yourself your really should get a fulltime job and concentrate on your own money making potential.

These sound like very severe relationship problems and you should recognise that the two of you may well not have a very long future together. Look after yourself and protect your interests.

You should pay the bills on a pro rata basis.

You take your total income (100%) and work out what percentage your wage is of the total and what percentage his wage is of the total.

Like him 60% you 40%?

Then you look at all the outgoings (inc mortgage?) and pay 40% of EVERY bill?

Would that work?

Uugh he sounds horrible. I earn more right now so my DH just gives me some cash each week when he gets paid, that way what I have left I can spend how I like, and vice versa with no complaining from either of us. I just pay all the bills and DH gives me some of his wages towards it. There is no 'well the phone bill was £xx this month so you owe me...' If we have a lean month (he's a mix of self employed and agency) we both end up skint but that's fine if the bills are paid.

Horrible man making you feel this way, horrible, tight fisted, selfish man. Does he see you as a family? A unit? Or does he resent having to pay for you and the DS? Horrible.

Oh dear. I am sorry. This sounds awful. It also doesn't sound particularly fixable. Your DP is acting as though he is single. That's not good.

Most relationships have periods of disparity in terms of financial contribution. This can change over the course of a relationship too - when I met DH he earned twice what I did - 15 years on now I earn three times what he does. Circumstances change as you get older together. You can't carry on like this, with him treating you as a lodger having to make an equal contribution.

Think you should look at your options overall tbh.

When DH grumbles about being the main wage earner I remind him that if I wnt back to work full-time he would be doing alot more around the house and kids than he does now.

It usually shuts him up.

Hope you manage to resolve this issue.

Don't have any more children(until you see if this can be resolved)).

And find out about your rights to the house.

Good luck.

I feel for you, money always complicates everything!

I'm fiercly independant and dread the day (should it ever come) that I have to learn to share with a partner lol! Having said that, I do think your dp is being unreasonable. Yes, bills, food, fuel etc has all gone up. But I'm betting your wages haven't, just like everyone else in the country!

Your dp earns more, fact. Yet you're both contributing fairly equally, except that he pays the mortgage? He can afford to. It sounds to me as if he's maybe having some issues learning to share, you're a unit, you live together, have a child, you may not be married but you're as good as, just without the legal document to say so.

I think the best thing to do would be to open up a joint account in which all bills, mortgage, money for food etc goes into. Work out fairly between you, what you can both afford to contribute, whilst having some of your own money to spend/save as you wish. I'm a strong believer that even though you're a couple, every person still needs some sort of financial independance, some money that is yours. Otherwise you get situations like this arising. You have nothing left for yourself, and I'm betting he does. This isn't fair. You both made a joint decision for you to work part time, if he wants this to stay the same, somethings got to give. If he's not willing, serious talks need to be had because this will keep getting to you and it will tear your relationship to bits.

Money changes people, even when you think you know them really well.

If you want to go back to full time work, then go back to full time work. Make a unilateral decision and just do it. He treats you as a cross between a lodger and a skivvy so he has no right to any say in what you choose to do with your life.

Tell him you're going back to work full time. Don't ask. Don't discuss. Just do.

Then tell him how you're going to be splitting the bills from now on. Figure out how much you owe him based proportionally on how much you both bring in and give him only that much.

The next time he starts a row or starts complaining about money or being a tight arse just walk away.

His behaviour is embarrassing and ridiculous.

Also make sure you get to CAB and find out exactly what your rights are (not much I would think) and start putting yourself and your child in a more secure financial situation. You owe it to both of you not to carry on with things as they are.

This man is not your partner.

He's your landlord - actually he's worse than that because you don't have the normal rights a tenant on an agreement has.

This isn't about money except in the sense that he uses it to control you.

Because you let him.

So stop.

Go back to work full time. That's the first step. No asking or discussion. You interview for jobs or increase your hours and increase the time your child spends in childcare.

Then use the new earnings to go see a counsellor and figure out why you are condoning his behaviour by continually putting up with it when you have a child together.

Good post Fiodyl.

Alfreda,I think you mean joint tenants, not tenants in common. With tenancy in common the DC as could end up paying inheritance tax twice (depending on value of property and estate as a whole), whereas with join tenancy would go to the surviving owner inheritance tax free and then to the kids paying IH once.