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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When will he understand that I ONLY work part time and cannot contribute HALF of everything!!!

117 replies

Needtonamechange · 14/07/2008 11:33

Am soooo fed up today, not just about this but lots of reasons, but this is a re-curring theme in our relationship.

When DS came along we agreed I would go back p/t which has obviously significantly reduced my income (not to mention career prospects).

I am happy enough with this state of affairs as I want to be with ds as much as possible and am willing to give up my financial independence at least temporarily.

Discussed finances with Dp when pregnant and agreed that he would continue paying the mortgage (its his house in any case, not mine) and I would pay the bills, half the childcare, half the grocery, my car expenses, half of leisure/holiday stuff.

Basically once this is done I have nil left for myself /to save etc.

Dp earns a really good wage (higher taxbracket earner) but is a self confessed tight arse. He had a tantrum last weekend as we had a rare night without ds and i wanted to go out for a meal. DP completely ruined it by starting a row in the car beforehand which he then admitted was due to not wanting to 'spend all his money on eating out!!' This is a recurring theme in our relationship and erodes any enjoyment we could have.

To top it off this morning dp asked me to increase the amount I give him for bills as they have gone up. I said no, because I literally do not have it and you do. I then suggested to go back full time as am so bloody fed up with this same old conversation. He said no way too me going back f/t and the only reason for that is beacause he would have to fork out more on his half of childcare.

Sorry for rant, just needed to get it all out!

OP posts:
Uriel · 14/07/2008 12:00

Well, you can give him a clear message on the house repairs anyway.

Why should you contribute to the repairs on his house?

hertsnessex · 14/07/2008 12:02

i cant understand when relationships work like this.

themildmanneredjanitor · 14/07/2008 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Needtonamechange · 14/07/2008 12:03

Hi Hunker

totally agree it needs relate or something similar. But he won't go- he wuldn't bloody pay the fees would he!!

have thought many times about leaving, you know, I really crave being in control of my own life again and even if I'm skint I might be happier.

But I am scared, really scared of going it alone, and Dp does have good points even though I don't see them lately.

I think I wuld be angrier but having spoken to friends this does seem to be a not uncommon theme.......just having a bit of cyber support is helping though!

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 14/07/2008 12:05

i think uriel has a very good point! your 'set-up' sounds a bit student like to me, he seems to be behaving like your landlord

how do his parents treat finances? where has he got his rather strange ideas of 'marital partnership' from?

Dropdeadfred · 14/07/2008 12:09

This is NOT a normal way for two people (married or unmarried) to live together whilst bringing up their child

Mutt · 14/07/2008 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hunkermunker · 14/07/2008 12:12

I would be taking advice about my future if I was you.

Go to CAB - they can advise you of your rights over the property.

Eg, what would happen if he kicked you out?

It's a control thing - he's very much got you where he wants you.

Twiglett · 14/07/2008 12:15

That is bollocks .. both your salaries into a central pot and pay what's needed to pay out of it

I think in your relationship (talking about 'his' house) then I'd be considering your future carefully.. you're going to be screwed if your relationship ends .. screwed and virtually homeless .. why did you never marry?

lulumama · 14/07/2008 12:16

i agree with everyone else, he is treating you like a flat mate! you are his life partner, mother of his child..

it irks me in restaurants when someone splits the bill to the last penny, if DH did this about everything i'd be livid!

this problem is obviously deeply ingrained and won;t go away. if he won;t go for counselling, you could go alone , doctors can refer you for free counselling and i think relate has a sliding scale.. and learn how different coping strategies

or you give him an ultimatum to sort his head out

if he cannot evn take you for a meal out, i;d be seriosuly reconsidering being with him

Mutt · 14/07/2008 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 14/07/2008 12:23

what a tosser - i can't abide meanness like that! And for him to see you as a freeloader - HAH! looking after a small child is not "doing nothing"; perhaps you should suggest that he considers the childcare you put in in monetary terms before he starts on about how little you contribute!

throckenholt · 14/07/2008 12:24

we used to share bills before we had kids - I worked it all out and took the relevant amount from Dh's account to balance it up (and showed him the figures).

Since we had kids our earnings have altered - and it got too complicated to work it all out - so now all money coming in is just "ours" rather than yours or mine - bill get paid from whatever account has the most in it. We rarely spend money on ourselves so it doesn't become an issue.

Hope you can work it out - money arguements are all too common in families.

lulumama · 14/07/2008 12:25

ok mut.. i meant it in the repsect he wants everything split down the middle and the fact they are a couple and have a child means nothing to him!

HuwEdwards · 14/07/2008 12:27

I echo all the other posts.

You need to sit this man down ask him 2 main questions

  1. Do you love me?

  2. Do you value the care I give and the time I spend with our child?

Because I'm really not sure in your shoes what the answers might be...

Original poster
Needtonamechange · 14/07/2008 12:35

Huw I have asked him these things, as I do not feel loved or valued particularly...

i have cme to the end of my tether a few times and have nearly walked but he becomes desperately upset and cries and say all the right things i suppose.

There is history, not tosay its ok because of the history but it does explain it somewhat. dp's mum died when he was 10 and his dad then met someone else, he has refused to marry her and she has signed a document to say she wouldn't claim anything off him if they split. Lovely. Second thing is my Dp was living with someone before we met, she ran off with someone else and took a lot of money from him before she would agree to signing over the house, she never worked whilst they were together and to be fair didnt put any money 'in' at the beginning, they didnt have kids or anything. Hence he is unable to trust me i think.

I just never realised how much of an issue money could become, to be honest.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 14/07/2008 12:35

Argh! I am getting so worked up about this on your behalf, it makes me MAD when people behave like this when they don't even need to!!

Tell him you want housekeeping money from him as the extra income; then you can pay bills from that (my Mum got housekeeping money from my Dad every month and had the responsibility for paying bills) - see how he likes THAT.

And as others have said, your position is somewhat precarious in the house if you are not contributing to the mortgage, on the deeds or married so start keeping a record of what you do pay for and get some advice on your position.

milknosugar · 14/07/2008 12:37

this is a disaster waiting to happen. do you have an emergency fund? YOU NEED ONE! if you split up you will be left homeless. who is going to be looking after your son - the parent who made sure they were safe or the one without a home for their child? i know it sounds dramatic but you are with a very controlling man and you can bet your pants that he will be fine if you split.

does he just not believe in marriage or does he have a real problem with it? if he just doesnt believe in it then he shouldnt have a problem with nipping down the registry office and signing a bit of paper. unless he wants to keep you where he wants you of course. if he has a serious problem with letting you be on an equal footing then you need to make arrangements to make sure you and your son will be ok should the worst happen.

dont ignore this, its too easy to let it slide until you can see you have a major problem and by that point its too late

thumbwitch · 14/07/2008 12:38

sorry, x-posted - he is an even bigger tosser if he equates his ex with you - you have a CHILD fgs! Sorry, I am not shouoting at you, just ranting on your behalf.

ACTIONS - not words - are the only things that matter in the end. Saying the right things is no good if you don't follow through.

madamez · 14/07/2008 12:40

You need to find out your rights and make plans to move out because he isn't going to get any better.

deanychip · 14/07/2008 12:46

we pay equal amounts into a pot.
then dh has his account and then i have my account.
I work half the hours that he does.
I have never questioned this (i know...daft tart!!) as it has always been this way.
I work overtime as much as possible and my savings i see as our emergency fund...his savings he ses as his...at a push he would contribute.

We dont argue about money, he doesnt worry about it but i do. Neither of us have any debt other than the mortgage.

I feel that we are defo going to have to have a huge re think if we want to have another baby as child care costs will become an issue.
Like you i have always been financially independant, had my own house at 23 etc, so it has just continued with me bieng fiancially independant. i would hate to rely on him although he defo is not tight and would gladly provide for us.
Dont know if i would like it, so i feel for you and now my rusty cogs in my brain are moving...me thinks that i have made dh very comfortable for a bit too long now......(i worked over 50 hours last week for extra cash.....no need to i think!!)

micci25 · 14/07/2008 12:47

ah me and my dp are having argument re joint finances before we even move in together as he is a tight arse and i dont trust him to provide what i need to run the house, atm im not working but as soon as the lazy twunt organises his shifts at work i will be but only pt so i will need help from him in providing food, clothing etc for the dds!

we have solved this by agreeing when we move we will have an arrangement whereby we both keep our own seperate accounts and set up one joint account!

all wages and benefits will be paid into the joint account and all bills will come out of that account! and the end of each month we will sit down together and work out how much we have and how much we need for bills. once that is done we look at shopping bills and take that money out and then extras the dcs might need such as clothes. anything that is left once food and bills have been paid from the joint account will be split between the two of us and transfered into our seperate current accounts.

your dp might go for something like because he will think he will end up with more if all of your money is getting paid in with all of his!

scattyspice · 14/07/2008 12:52

I think most couples are made up of a 'spender' (me) and a 'saver' (DH). You have to compromise.

TBH If my DH wasn't such a tight arse, we'd be in dire straights financially right now .

MsDemeanor · 14/07/2008 12:56

Do you know what a vulnerable position you are in? Because you pay so much ie all the bills (!) he is able to pay his mortgage and have savings etc yet he could turn around tomorrow and chuck you and your ds out of the house and you'd have no claim on it at all, or on maintenance for yourself. By paying all the bills you are subsidising his mortgage yet you will have no claim on it. Actually he could be being very cunning, as if you paid half the mortgage you might have a claim on the property, and this way he is ensuring you don't. Have you ever talked about this? I think you need a very serious think and talk.

micci25 · 14/07/2008 13:04

MsD my dp own his house and even if i paid half the morgate i would have no claim on the house because its the bank who has claim on the house untill the morgate is paid in full and any adult who lives in the house wo is not named on the morgate has to sign a discalimer waiving any rights too the property! its part of the t and c's of the morgate. i dont know if all companies do this but i would imagine they do in order to protect themselves. if dp stopped paying the morgate they cant afford to have me saying "well half of that is mine you cant reposess it!!!!!!!"

i do have a legal agreement drawn up by a solicitor whereby should anything go wrong between me and dp i get two months in the house in order to find somewhere else to live, he has to move out during that time and go back to his mums as i would have the dds with me. once i am in the house and contributing to the morgate we will have a nother legal agreement drawn up stating that should he selll the house i am entitled to half the profits less his original stake in the house and the money he put into it wrt renovation.