When will he understand that I ONLY work part time and cannot contribute HALF of everything!!!

[Needtonamechange]

Am soooo fed up today, not just about this but lots of reasons, but this is a re-curring theme in our relationship.

When DS came along we agreed I would go back p/t which has obviously significantly reduced my income (not to mention career prospects).

I am happy enough with this state of affairs as I want to be with ds as much as possible and am willing to give up my financial independence at least temporarily.

Discussed finances with Dp when pregnant and agreed that he would continue paying the mortgage (its his house in any case, not mine) and I would pay the bills, half the childcare, half the grocery, my car expenses, half of leisure/holiday stuff.

Basically once this is done I have nil left for myself /to save etc.

Dp earns a really good wage (higher taxbracket earner) but is a self confessed tight arse. He had a tantrum last weekend as we had a rare night without ds and i wanted to go out for a meal. DP completely ruined it by starting a row in the car beforehand which he then admitted was due to not wanting to 'spend all his money on eating out!!' This is a recurring theme in our relationship and erodes any enjoyment we could have.

To top it off this morning dp asked me to increase the amount I give him for bills as they have gone up. I said no, because I literally do not have it and you do. I then suggested to go back full time as am so bloody fed up with this same old conversation. He said no way too me going back f/t and the only reason for that is beacause he would have to fork out more on his half of childcare.

Sorry for rant, just needed to get it all out!

Sorry. One or the other! We had to change from one to the other when we made our will. IANAL, should have said.....

You are alreay dping more than your fair share of paying, imo, given that the bills support your shared baby...and that the mortgage he pays doesn't just house you for no but is a capital investment to which you, being not married, are entitled to NOTHING.

Tell him his mortgage bill is at ;east 50% investment / saving.
Tell him how much the day you do childcare fr him are wrth to him - i.e you enable him to earn what he does on those days.
If he insist on negotiating your 'relationhip' like a husiness deal, then tell him you need to go to ACAS - aka Relate!

Stick to your negotiating position- don't give in when he gets upset and cries - stick calmly to your objective- FFS, if he's that upset, then he's upset enough to look at his behaviour rather than lose you, is he not???????

If he will not see reason, tell him calmly that you would love to stay in partnership with him, but you cannot afford to - so yoou will be ooking fo a job as a sole fereelance parent - you, yourself and your baby as it will be more economical(and it might well be!!!)

And another thing..you don't need his permission, or even approval, to return to work f/t - though I appreciate you would prefer not to. If it suits you - just do it.

Georgiemamma - except then the surviving parent leaves the total value of the eatate to the offspring - attracting the full whack of IHT.

As I understand it, if you are not married, and are tennants in common, you can each leave half the house to your child/ren with the full IHT-exempt allowance - so the offspring in effect get the benefit of two IHT-free allowances.

that sounds awful

you know you have no legal right to stay in the house and he could throw you both out tomorrow with no come back at all?

agree with expat - go back full time asap and save save save for an exit fund. try to get him to marry you if you are going to stay with him but also work out how you would manage financially without him.

You are making ALL the sacrafices for parenthood. He is making none. His career is uninterrupted and unaffected, his house will continue to grow in value, his salary is handsome, his pension safe, his house tidy, his child cared for, his meals cooked.

YOU are making all the sacrafices. You've no foot on the ladder, no opportunity to ever get your foot on the ladder? HOW is that going to change and does he see this as FAIR?!

If you can get through to him, well done. I couldn't get through to my x. So I left. My x's biggest fear was losing his house. Turns out he lost his children. (under the same roof that is. HIS roof!!! not my roof, oh no)

I was just telling dh about this thread. He thinks the same as I do - it's a dealbreaker .

Honestly - do you think you can get him to change his attitude? Really? Because if not I would leave. You have almost no rights over the house, as has been said before. You are in an extremely vulnerable position, sadly .

Yes miaou. It's an impossible one to fix too. I used to say to my x 'put my name on the deeds' and he wouldn't. He accused me of being after him for his money! (ha he handed over little of that!). But whenever I pointed out how things were unfair, he accused me of wanting to screw HIM!! In the end I did leave with nothing. But best thing I ever did.

I really think the only solution is just to leave. Might sound flippant, but life certainly won't be HARDER. It'll be easier when your own money is your own, and you aren't simmering with rage and resentment.

Assuming there that OP's partner will use the same blather to get out of doing the fair thing.

Imagine your life without all the stress he adds to it, needtochange?

Imagine how much energy you're spending on stressing out about his loser attitude that you could be spending on something more positive?

OP, You could be me, quite a few years ago. How many times did I get it thrown at me in an argument that 'this is my **ing house?'

He used to say I was lucky he didn't charge me rent. Oh, and when DS was a newborn, a January baby, because I wasn't working and had no maternity provision (had been a student), he locked the cupboard where the central heating controls were, so I couldn't put the heating on while he was at work... and he took the knob off the gas fire... because I wasn't contributing, see, to the bills, so I shouldnt be using the gas... to keep a newborn baby warm, in January.

And he used to drive us past rundown council estates and say 'that's where you will end up when I kick you out'...

And this man is a privately educated graduate, who could charm the birds out of the trees, and is probably out there looking for someone else to have a baby with.

God, I'm rambling. Basically, I just want to ask, if a man won't marry you - and won't legally share his home with you - why the fuck does he want to have a baby with you? Anyone in this position should be trying very hard to get some kind of legal commitment, and if they won't do it, there has to be a very, very good reason to stay.

I think this is all a bit odd and your DH is being a bit of an arse. Sorry.

If you dont earn the same ammount how can you possibly contribute equally financially in order to enjoy a shared standard of living ? It just doesnt add up.

Joint bank account sounds like the only way forward.........

Who on EARTH would want to be MARRIED to someone like this?

Don't bother, needtochange.

If you think he's a millstone now, imagine when he's your husband.

Work FT and get some counselling and save up to give you son someone more than a father who treats the mother of his child like less than a housemate.

Better to walk alone than badly accompanied.

NameChange - I am in an interesting position on this as I am the mortgage holder on my house and my DH has moved into it, something he doesn't much like but only because he can't get to throw my stuff out! My mat leave money just covers the mortgate, pretty much everything else is paid for by DH's income. This does not cause us any traumas. (I do massage work as well to pay for my chocolate habit, the only thing DH would like to control!)

Money incompatibilities are such a major issue in any relationship - you need to sort out something with your DP if you want things to work out for you both; but he has to be reasonable about your financial contribution. If he won't go to Relate, maybe he would agree to see an independent financial advisor who could be an impartial voice of reason as to the best way to manage the finances? (do they even do that? I'm not sure tbh)

Agree with all the other posters, he's treating you like a tenant not the mother of his child.

At the very least, have a look at how your financial future pans out without him.

dp
Dear Partner
PARTNER

Doesn't sound like one to me. Partners share.

I honestly don't understand partnerships like this. Some things, as MasterCard likes to point out, are priceless - like raising your children yourself.
Maybe you don't earn as much now, but if he was loving and kind, maybe you will return the favour if ever he wanted to change to a lower paying job, or was injured and couldn't work.

Why are you going into debt to live with this, quite frankly, awful specimen?

Bet you London to a brick that his pension is all his own. You have the choice of leaving now and being poor, or waiting 10 or 20 years and leaving then, when you'll be destitute. Do you fancy living in your old age on the tiny dribble of state pension you'll be entitled to after years of part-time work?

At least if you leave him now he will HAVE to pay child support. If you wait until your child has left home to try to get back on your feet you will never financially make up the years you have lost.

He cries when you threaten you're going to leave, but I note that doesn't translate into actually putting your name on the deeds, clearing your overdraft or adding your name to his pension.

ninedragons speaks sense.

i was also the sole earner in our family for a few years.

i'd never have dreamed of seeing DH as a 'freeloader' or dinging him for money or any shit like that.

because that is selfish, twatish fuckwittage.

Not advice as such, but perhaps something positive...

In similar situation myself, although DH so technically more legal rights. He pays mortgage, I pay most food, childcare, my car expenses and give £100 a month towards bills, all on 3 days pw (admittedly quite good) salary.

Having said that, he has never complained about paying for work to be done on the house, has helped me out when my car has had to have major work done it and I couldn't afford it and picks up a fair few bits and bobs along the way. (FWIW if I was working full time my salary would be slightly more than his, and he has supported me in only working part time since just before we got marriod as we knew we wanted to start a family fairly quickly so I didn't pay half even when I could have been working F/T).

Anyway have been made redundant 3 weeks ago and was expecting all hell to break loose, not least because I want to stay at home with DD for the next year until she starts school, whilst trying to start my own business/freelance work. So far he's been really supportive, which I never expected, so perhaps these guys can change.

(PS are you sure it's just his concern and not someone else sticking their oar in - I know my MIL tries to stir this kind of thing up between us on a fairly regular basis)

Best of luck

You poor thing; that sounds like a horrible situation to be living in. You've put your career on hold to bring up the children and seem to be receiving very little support, either financial or emotional.
My first thought is to ask why you chose not to marry before moving in with your dp and having a family. You've given him everything a man could want (sex on tap with no commitment). But what are the advantages for you with this arrangement?
He's obviously not fully commited to a true partnership and wants to retain the 'mine' and 'hers' set-up. Would he be willing to make it permanent, especially now you have your dc?
I think you need to find a quiet moment to talk this through seriously together, as the current set-up doesn't sound as though it can last long-term and you are obviously not happy. I do hope it all works out for both of you.
(Sorry if I sound like your mother)

Totally agree with everyone who says that the money should all go in one pot and be understood as belonging to both of you.
Also agree that you really need to start preparing for your future (without him).

To right the balance for now though - as he insists on what's mine is mine - charge him by the hour for half of all childcare costs at the rate of your gross salary plus NI contributions and any pension contributions. If this was an employment tribunal they'd also look at the long term loss of earnings between now and when you retire (i.e. the difference between what you would have made and what you will make). I think you'll find he owes you the money to clear that overdraft!

I would feel uncomfortable living in a house that I am being told is not mine - do you buy things to put in it such as cushions, candles, crockery etc? What would happen if you decided to separate, where would you live? With a child involved it becomes complicated now.

Hello All

Have been really really thankful and surprised by all the responses!

To all who have suggested an exit fund- I am now saving up the child benefit every month, Its money I need really but as others have said I need an emergency fund more.

We didn't get married before having DS as at the time it didn't feel 'important' if that makes sense. I have never been that pro marriage but of course nw I have a ds I have come to realise how much 'safer' we would be as a family unit if we were married. Have suggested it to Dp but he says he doesn't believe in marriage, I have no reason to disbelieve this as this is what he said right at the beginning so cannot really feel wronged there.

One thing I have stood firm on is entering my works pension scheme, which is quite expensive being public sector and again is money I really need to have in the bank but like many of you have said I am not married and will have no right to his pension if we split. I am just ging to quietly save all I can even if I have to go without and maybe eventually by the time dsis of school age I would have a decent chance of going back full time and maybe getting a place of my own.

Why don't I leave? Well I suppose deep down I want to 'make it work'. My parents seperated when I was 8 and My mum never recovered financially, it was a struggle. I don't want that for myself and ds and like I said i have such a dread of that. I want to provide my ds with a prper happy family with his mum and dad together.

My Dp does have trust issues, I know what he has told me about the ex are true as I had a look at all the legal stuff when it was all going through. I think she really did want a meal ticket (as much as I don't like what he is doing to me now there are women out there who do use men for money). He nearly lost his home over it and it has obviously affected him deeply. I think he does see this but without counselling he won't be able to move on , I think. I don't want to leave him as I do still love him, not this part but he is in other ways a kind, hardworking and moral person, I read about what other people on here have to live with and it makes me think I am not so unlucky, or maybe I am kidding myself!!

Thanks again so much for all the replies, It has re-affirmed what I already knew, ie that his behaviour is not 'normal' or reasonable and that I needto strengthen my position in all of this. x

Needtochange, you can't make a relationship 'work' when one partner sees no reason to treat the other as a human being and will make no concessions ie will not stop exploiting and ripping off the other partner. Because that's what he's doing to you. He's using you for free housework, childcare and sex, and taking your earnings so he can have extra pocket money for himself. Of course he won't change his behaviour: why should he? What's in it for him? Unfortunately while there are still women who think that anything is better than being single, and who can claim to 'love' someone who regards them as property, a pet or a household appliance, men like this will carry on exploiting women, because if/when you see the light and get away, there will be another romantic mug for him to prey on.

What madamz said...with knobs on...

my ex H was just like this, now at 50 i have nothing...in fact less than nothing...huge debts, no career, no pension, BUT...I have my kids, and my self respect... and we were married ( I insisted on it)so about to go to court to get my just rewards for twenty years of slog. My exH is more bothered about the money than he ever was about me and the kids....that is NOT love, that is control, control, control.

When we got together I had a career, pension, my own house with very small mortgage, two kids and twenty years later...nothing! BUT WE WERE MARRIED....

And if its any help...now if you have contributed anything, however small to the house eg repairs, decorating, etc etc you have a claim on that house, so try and pay for something and keep the proof.

Hope that helps. you have to look after yourself...i tell my daughter that every day.