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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

HUGE row with DH last night....

92 replies

jessicasmummy · 03/02/2005 07:29

I feel terrible this morning. I got so angry with him and we ended up having a really huge row. I dont know whats going on in my head at the moment, but nothing he does is ever good enough. I know im lucky to have him, and he is a great dad, but i feel as if im supposed to be super housewife (like her off wife swap last night!) and i just cant do it. im ashamed to say it, but i was seriously considering leaving for good last night because i feel like i have really let him down and cant be what im supposed to be. He has already left for work this morning, and i just wanted to grab him and hug him and say sorry, but i couldnt.... something inside wouldnt let me. Sorry, just really needed to get it all out.

OP posts:

Carla · 03/02/2005 07:34

It takes two to make a row, JM. So sorry you're feeling sh*te. Why do you think it's you that should have made the apology?

Original poster

jessicasmummy · 03/02/2005 07:36

because i started it all.... i just want to be the good little housewife, and i know deep down he resents me for not doing a lot during the day. I really tried to make an effort yesterday, and he came home and put the kitchen into the same state it was before i even started and didnt clean up. I just feel as if i am permenantly tidying up and still getting no where....

OP posts:

anorak · 03/02/2005 08:26

jm, it's funny how suddenly it all gets easier when your children go to school!

You are a perfectly normal mum of under-5's, I assume. What age is Jessica?

Original poster

jessicasmummy · 03/02/2005 08:27

6 months....

OP posts:

anorak · 03/02/2005 08:28

No! You don't say!

Have you linked this little person with you inability to keep the house tidy at all?

Original poster

jessicasmummy · 03/02/2005 08:29

its not her fault.... she is quite good really, but rather than tidy while she is asleep i kinda move stuff about (or sit on here!) which gets me no where - HOW do i be a good housewife?

OP posts:

anorak · 03/02/2005 08:33

Of course it's not her fault. But it's a fact of life that most mums who have an under 5 in the house can't keep up the standards they used to have.

It's not that you don't have time to tidy - I'm sure you feel you do. But there is so much more to tidy, and you are so much more tired than you used to be - sleep patterns are interrupted. Old ways of chilling out have to go in the wake of childcare, mental and emotional energy is used up on the baby and the old juggling act...give yourself a break. Explain to your dh that this is normal and he should account for it.

If it really bothers you then tell yourself you will tidy between say 8 and 10 every morning and do it. Work in sections, a room at a time. Maintenence is easier than the initial onslaught.

But above all, stop beating yourself up! Quality time with your baby and for you and dh is more important than how often you clean, IMO.

Catbert · 03/02/2005 08:38

It's taken me nearly 3 years and 2 children, and I still don't have a handle on it, but as I said to my husband - I am giving up paid work to be a mummy, and not a housewife, it will all take time.

It does get a little easier, but you kind of either have to have a "do things that NEED to be done when you can do them" attitude, or apply your working skills to get organised (to do lists, priorities etc).

Also - you are probably worn out and lethargic due to having a small baby around who still wakes at night?

Don't beat yourself up about it. But try to understand whether your husband really DOES resent you "being at home and doing nothing all day" because you may find that's your own projections of guilt for not being this perfect housewife image you want... There's plenty of time to become all those things - and many never do (me for one).

Try and spend more time enjoying your baby, making sure you take time to rest. Do jobs in 15 min bursts (including MN!!) - you can manage that. And swallow your pride and make up with DH and then when you're both feeling reasonable take some time to agree what you both do when he's at home to help!

pooka · 03/02/2005 08:39

Also, you probably spend more time at home than you did pre-jessica, and it's inevitable that more mess will be made that way. I find that when I work, we have 2 days of clean and tidy house because dd is at my mother's and I am at work. Come Weds-Friday, though, the house is a tip because it's used more. Also, small things become more noticeable the more you look at them.
Really, you must chill out about mess. After all, woman on wife swap not much of a parenting role model if you ask me!

throckenholt · 03/02/2005 08:41

try sending him this thread - it should make him realise what is going on - even if you can't tell him to his face.

And stop trying to be perfect - having kids is tough - and you both have to realise that and make allowances.

anorak · 03/02/2005 08:43

Also it is great to go out for a few hours, say on a Saturday, don't prepare, just leave him to it and when you get back ask him where is your dinner and why isn't the washing done? Sometimes nothing less than this will make a man understand what it's like. It's also a wonderful thing for him to have that 1 on 1, and for you to have a break.

Original poster

jessicasmummy · 03/02/2005 08:47

Thanks guys. He just seems to change his mind over what i should do.... if i clean the house top to bottom, he comes home, doesnt acknowledge it and makes it a mess again so i can tidy the following day, or if i leave it in a shit tip, he whinges that "he's" got to do it all. I guess all i really want is some recognition for doing what i can. So far today i have done 2 loads of washing, filled dishwasher, swept floor, entertained the bloke who has come to fit my new cooker, tidied living room, got jessica's clothes ready for when she wakes up (No she's not dressed yet! Had breakfast and promptly fell asleep again) Got myself washed dressed and sorted. Filled change bag with necesaaries for the day as we are going out later, made up her bottles and to be honest, i dont feel like ive made any sort of impact. I wish someone could give me a daily schedule so i know what to do and when!!!! I am being pathetic arent i????

OP posts:

hercules · 03/02/2005 08:52

You need cod!

munnzieb · 03/02/2005 08:52

no you're not honey, I feel like that and I don't have any kids yet! only difference is I work F/T, It's prob your perception that you're not being a good house wife, (I agree with the others thou it's more important to spend quality time with Jess/DH than it is to have an immaculate house). My mum has a sayin, - as long as your washing up is done (or dishwasher loaded) and the hoovers run around your house is clean! (try doing a top to bottom idea on the house, or perhaps a little unit of some sort to keep all of jess's things in downstairs? - main thing thou hon, you can't have a little one and not expect some element of mess in your house. Don't expect so much from your self.) And ur DH - well he should know better, being a chef, and tidin the kitchen back up afterwards!

HunkerMunker · 03/02/2005 08:59

JM, I've got up, tried (unsuccessfully - he's teething) to give DS breakfast, half-heartedly hung up some washing, eaten some toast (and dripped jam on the keyboard - bugger), put DS in front of a video and come on MN to see if anyone else is as pathetic as me

In my defence, I wasn't home from work till midnight and DS was really unsettled last night - he wailed from midnight till 1.30. And I'm waiting till quarter past nine, when I'll put him back to bed and go to sleep again myself. I may put another load of washing on too. Then we're going out for the afternoon. So you sound like the proverbial busy bee in comparison - please don't beat yourself up so much over not getting everything done. Just let your standards slide and everything's so much simpler

Original poster

jessicasmummy · 03/02/2005 08:59

Thats just it - he has people at work who tidy up after him!!! I've told him now that i will do what i can but i refuse to neglect jess over it. When she is awake from now on she will get my full attention. That is the least she deserves. I guess im lucky that she is asleep now otherwise nothing would be done! Bloke is here installing cooker so cant do a lot anyway! Off out to baby group this morning and this afternoon! HOORAH - no house all day - HOORAH!

OP posts:

HunkerMunker · 03/02/2005 08:59

Note to self - don't so much. It's bloody annoying.

aloha · 03/02/2005 09:01

STOP IT! You are NOT a Stepford Wife and IMO that is nothing to aspire to. Also, what is important is your own feelings about your life, not waiting for approval from your husband who is probably knackered in his own way too. I think all couples spend quite a bit of their time bickering competitively over who is most tired/does most in the house etc etc - it's certainly not unique to your house, honest. Work on enjoying your day as much as humanly possible. If you find it impossible to relax unless the house is OK, most of the time, then just do enough to make it OK, most of the time. There are no medals for housework. Now ring your husband and say you love him and suggest he brings home a bottle of wine!

aloha · 03/02/2005 09:03

BTW I never hoover, or iron.
I knew I'd married the right man for me when, recently, bemoaning the fact that I'd hurled all of ds's outgrown clothes in muddled, grubby piles in bin-bags in the cellar (having a girl so getting them out to sell/give away/save for baby girl), said, "This would all be easier if I'd washed them all, and put them folded up in date order in sealed boxes," and dh said, "But if you were the kind of woman who'd do that, you wouldn't be the kind of woman I'd want to marry'.

munnzieb · 03/02/2005 09:05

(and a nice steak for dinner! lol, or a take away?)

Moomina · 03/02/2005 09:16

JM, obviously you want to have a decently clean place to live that looks reasonably nice, but please, please stop with all of this 'I must be a good little housewife' stuff. Is that honestly something you want to be?!

Seriously, I am not trying to belittle it, but you have other priorities right now than sweeping the floor 3 times a day and your dh needs to understand that. Once jessica gets a little older, things will fall into place a bit more (maybe!) but for now, concentrate on your baby and just do the essentials...

anorak · 03/02/2005 09:18

aloha is so right. Have you tried asking dh if he only married you to clean up the house?

From your description of your morning so far it sounds like you are doing miraculously well for someone with a 6 month old

Original poster

jessicasmummy · 03/02/2005 09:21

only because she is asleep!!!! i will try and calm down a bit. Dh loves me to bits i know he does, but in a way i feel like im failing him. He is the one out all day at work, bringing in the money, i i tend to be the one to spend it and not do anything in return. I will stop being the obsessive housewife.... well try to!

OP posts:

Moomina · 03/02/2005 09:25

Er - you're not doing anything in return???? JM, look again at that statement and tell me what's wrong with it, please, or I'll have to come round and tear that duster out of your hand!

Original poster

jessicasmummy · 03/02/2005 09:26

ok ok.... im sorry.

NO MORE CLEANING TODAY - just emptying and reloading washing machine and tumble dryer - i promise!!! Oh and if im up to it i might get dinner on later!

OP posts:

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