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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HUGE row with DH last night....

92 replies

jessicasmummy · 03/02/2005 07:29

I feel terrible this morning. I got so angry with him and we ended up having a really huge row. I dont know whats going on in my head at the moment, but nothing he does is ever good enough. I know im lucky to have him, and he is a great dad, but i feel as if im supposed to be super housewife (like her off wife swap last night!) and i just cant do it. im ashamed to say it, but i was seriously considering leaving for good last night because i feel like i have really let him down and cant be what im supposed to be. He has already left for work this morning, and i just wanted to grab him and hug him and say sorry, but i couldnt.... something inside wouldnt let me. Sorry, just really needed to get it all out.

OP posts:
littlerach · 03/02/2005 09:30

Not much to add, but I know how you feel!! I was like this with DD1 for a while, then realised it would be better if I enjoyed my time, rather than worrying. So I do!! xx

melsy · 03/02/2005 09:35

Just wanted to say how i understand so much of this. also had huge row last night as dh comes home and starts saying that the fridges need cleaning and I havwnt put the washing up awaya and on and on. I was so near to raising that knife on the table let me tell you!! Im nit sure he was inferring anything by any of that , BUT its just they have a way of coming in and it feels like they are critisicing your workspace. i always say would you like me to sit on your desk at work and start saying ; that calls not made , that emails not been seen to , that desk needs tidying , all whilst hes running to and from meetings!!!

NotQuiteCockney · 03/02/2005 09:57

jessicasmummy (and anyone else whose DH/DP complains about housework not done) - has your DH ever spent a day minding the baby? I think my DH used to think staying home was all about putting my feet up eating cake, but it only takes a few hours of dealing with a baby to break that illusion!

I'm another non-housewife. I'm a mum. I do cooking. I don't really do that much else. (I never hoover or iron.) I'm lucky in that we can afford to pay someone to do these things. As far as I'm concerned, if DH comes home to two happy sons, I've done my job. If I've made dinner (I generally have), then I've done an excellent job. If the house doesn't look like a bomb hit it, I've done an incredible job (or, more likely, spent the afternoon messing up someone else's house).

Chandra · 03/02/2005 10:32

I would like to say that you are not failing him and whomever thinks that a housewife who doesn't finish "her" chores is a bad wife must be sent back to middle ages without a return ticket. Feel proud of the little things you manage each day, I have found easier to put everything in its place before I go to sleep and then do a good cleaning one room a day. The house is not as clean as it used to be but with a baby IT'S IMPOSSIBLE . Try to count how many minutes spend changing the baby, bathing her, comforting her and playing with her and then add that to the time you spend on the things you did before Jessica's birth and you would realise the day has not that many hours.

Whenever DH starts complaining about what do I do suring the day I leave him to mind DS for a morning or an afternoon while I do other things (out of the house of course, otherwise it doesn't work). By 4 pm he is knackered and more respectful of my work. Would it be a good idea to try it?

Whatever you do this night, don't appologise for not having the time to "complete" the housework. Instead explain him how much time the baby takes and that you are not going to be able to have the house to the previous standards, besides... he CAN also help.

AEROBICS · 03/02/2005 14:44

hi jessicasmummy. i have three kids and know how hard it is to do household chores when you have a baby. they take up lods of time. think your dh is being very unfair. what does he do all day ? plan a day or half day just for you and ask him to care for your dd. would he do that ? my last husband wouldnt do any childcare, in the end i left him. feel i just clean up after everyone here as partner is so untidy, but at least he cooks dinner a lot of nights. i live near romsey not that far from you. dont you live in hants too, bournmouth, poole area ??

AEROBICS · 03/02/2005 14:49

dont forget jessicasmummy you are the one who has chosen to stay at home all day looking after his child. spend his money and enjoy and dont feel guilty about it. i didnt like being dependent on my last husband when we had our first child, but just think he would do the same if roles were reversed and probably buy a pint or two and fags with your hard earned money too !

logic · 03/02/2005 14:58

jessicasmummy, I really sympathise. I have the same problem, I seem to spend my whole life cleaning the house and it never ever looks like it. I'm lucky in that dh understands but it's depressing and exhausting all the same. It's only now that ds is 2 that I am getting into a proper housework routine and that is only because his grandparents look after him 1 day a week for me to clean. Babies are incredibly hard work and demand 200% of your attention so please don't feel bad about not being a "perfect" housewife. Besides, those wife swap women with immaculate homes are not normal!

Sponge · 03/02/2005 15:07

Also JM form what you've asaid you'd actually done loads of housework, had the place nice and then he came home and wrecked it.
Surely nothing unreasonable in saying that you'll do you best to keep the place nice, but that Jess comes first and it would be helpful if he made an effort to at least leave things as he finds them, wipe up after himself, put his cup in the dishwasher etc
You are his wife not his servant.
I know he's at work all day but still... I'm at work all day now and I don't expect to be able to come home and just make mess and leave it.

pinotgrigio · 03/02/2005 15:30

From the sounds of it you're doing really well. I found looking after DD and doing anything else at all in the house completely impossible. Dinner!! Unless I could cook it one handed it wasn't going to happen. DD would scream if I left the room so even simple things like doing laundry were a challenge as I couldn't get up and downstairs without causing traumas. DP definitely didn't understand why I couldn't get anything done. Leave him with the childcare and housework to do one day and see if his attitude changes.

aloha · 03/02/2005 15:46

nannies don't do housework. It is considered a job to look after a child. Housework is seriously overrated as a pastime IMO.

Original poster
jessicasmummy · 03/02/2005 16:25

Thanks guys, DH id home, and yet again hasnt commented but at least we are talking! We shall see how the evening goes!

OP posts:
Beetroot · 03/02/2005 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

aloha · 03/02/2005 16:36

Snog, snog

Wish me luck for Monday, will you!

Beetroot · 03/02/2005 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

aloha · 03/02/2005 16:47

It's been the longest two minutes of my life! Yes, indeedy, Monday is the day.
(sorry for thread hijack)

marthamoo · 03/02/2005 16:48

Two minutes? More like one. Monday...really? Really? Oooh good luck (sorry also for thread hijack)

hub2dee · 04/02/2005 09:20

JM (not stalking, but saw your BFN post and wanted to see if you had more news): you mentioned dh goes out to work and earn money... have you ever thought what you earn (as in save dh forking out for) ?

Find out how much it would cost to pay someone to look after a six month old for one week. Multiply by 4. On a purely financial level, you are already bringing that much money into the house every month (in terms of saving on childcare costs were you to get a job IYSWIM).

That doesn't even take into account your unpaid cleaning work, night time baby care, and it doesn't put a value on the emotional benefits of mummy being around Jessica all day - for all three of you !

munnzieb · 04/02/2005 09:24

all ok now JM?

lowcalCOD · 04/02/2005 09:26

aoryy to say the obvious as i am a chief offender but do any of you think that youd get nmroe done if you spent less time on mn wingeing about how much oyu have to do?
i certainly would!

( cod runs for cover)

RTKangaMummy · 04/02/2005 09:33

Hope you are feeling ok today JM

Just ignore other peoples comments about how you spend your time.

Am glad that you are using mumsnet for support and friendship.

The wife swap people are not real normal people anyway

If they were would it make a programme, average/normal would not make a programme

melsy · 04/02/2005 09:56

This has made me think this thread. Look at how much ruling,checking,training, ofsted overseeing, etc there is for someone to have to claim they are nanny, childcarer, nursury etc and we are expected to just know what to do and do it all as well and with as much furver and interest as trained people!!

Not sure ive made the point I was trying to make in relation to keeping house tidy and looking after the babs and kids, but Ive just spent the whole morning sitting in front of pc on cbeebies site playing the macdonald on farm song to stop dd having hissy fit!!(also to appease her whislt a little mumsnetting is required !! Havent done a jot in the house, but dd is happy and content to go have a nap now , I say S*D it to dh if he comes home and moans today !!

Original poster
jessicasmummy · 04/02/2005 10:29

things are ok thanks - ill jsut ignore certain comments on here as it obviously isnt going to help my state of mind! I have folded some washing away and played with jess today. She has just gone for a nap so im on here while eating my breakfast!!!

OP posts:
melsy · 04/02/2005 10:29

Good some ME time for you

Moomina · 04/02/2005 10:34

What comments aren't helping your state of mind, JM? I thought we'd all said you were justified in feeling the way you did?

melsy · 04/02/2005 10:35

NICE one COD , have you read how to make friends and influence people????????YOU really are a very norty girl. I think its Cods way of intiaitng people , I remeber having the same type of run in with her about a year and half ago. Just let her get on her soapbox and larf !! I do think your funny sometimes Cod , but sometimes not always appro is it hey!!