How much would someone smoking cocaine on a weekend bother you?

[400N]

I can’t decide if I have massively overreacted or if my gut instinct was right to end it over this

For context I have ADHD and find decision making really difficult - often changing my mind multiple times before making a final decision

I’ve been divorced 5 years and with DS now off to uni I began dating and all were terrible until this latest one

He is 55 so 10 years older than me, has his own flat ( rented as couldn’t afford a mortgage after his divorce ) and seems to be a great dad to his 2 kids although they are adults

We met the first evening for dinner and he was charming, paid for the meal and was lovely - he did seem quite loud and chatty but mentioned his kids both have ADHD so I thought maybe this was why

The second date was longer as we went for drinks after a meal and he suddenly starts sprinkling cocaine into a roll up cigarette as if this was completely normal behaviour

I made my excuses and left early although continued to talk and message before he asked why I was avoided meeting him again and I told him - he said it only happens when he drinks which I believed then as didn’t see any signs on date 1 and if he wanted to hide it altogether I thought he would have sniffed it rather than smoked it in front of me?

Anyway date 3 rolled around and we went to a film, all nice but he wanted to go for drinks after and I didn’t want the topic to come up so left early

Date 4 he booked a hotel - he started smoking it again after a few drinks at the bar and I found the sex really weird
It lasted a very very long time and all felt quite detached on his part

Weirdly straight after was very loving and close and he had bought me a beautiful necklace for my upcoming birthday which he gave to me early

He holds down a high powered job and works very long hours and says this is just his way of unwinding - for me cocaine is to get high and have a buzz?

Ive never taken drugs and don’t know if I’m considering ending a really good thing over a weekend habit or whether this is what addiction actually looks like and I’m being an idiot

Any help very gratefully received xx

I wouldn't date someone who smoked cigarettes or drank to excess, I definitely wouldn't date a druggie.

I have a friend who does drugs (mostly weed but sometimes coke) and I refuse to see her if she has taken any and I leave if she takes any while we are out. People who are high are so tedious and embarrassing.

Put this one back. You can do better.
Long term coke users are selfish people on the whole, whether they’re a barrister, banker or builder.
My view is shaped by age and life experience.

Anyone still taking coke ‘recreationally’ in their 50’s is a train wreck, however much polish they try to cover it with.
The only people I hate more than coke heads are crack heads and junkies.
Plus smoking it is inefficient ( occasionally came across this 40 odd years ago) and won’t help keep him pretty once his lungs are fucked.

Dont be swayed by his job. All you need to know about that is that he’s unlikely to ever feel the need to slow down. He’ll never put you first.
Yep, so many re flags it’s bunting.

I don’t date or relate with drug addicts, being that cocaine or weed or anything in between.
No ifs no buts

Drug taking is very common in city type law firms. As lots of other workplace cultures where there are sometimes extremely long hours, all nighters, client dinners, big wins, big losses etc

I'm not condoning that at all, however plenty people seem to be able to keep it for big nights out / festivals / celebrations and lead a relatively normal life the rest of the time. The fact he is openly doing this on dates shows how fucked up his thinking is, and how much he needs it. A date is something that should give you a buzz anyway, not something where the aim is to be off your tits. Even if there were no moral or health issues, it affects people's behaviour so you won't even be getting to know the real him. You'll be getting to know the hyped, aggro, loud version of him with sex of the 'will but not the means' type

I've met people who smoked cocaine in spliffs - it smells utterly vile and turns the user into arrogant arseholes - no thank you.

I'd ditch him for the weirdly detached sex, OP. Been there and it's horrible - makes you feel like a convenience or even a chore! No amount of smoochy hugs afterwards can take away the feeling that you've been used as a prop.

I also don't believe a barrister hasn't been able to afford a house since his divorce, unless the divorce was last month and his wife had a better lawyer than he is.

It really sounds like he's looking for a woman to validate his bullshit. Don't be that woman.

You have definitely not over reacted.

And I can’t see what this has to do with your adhd, it’s about self respect and standards.

He does it to keep his nose nice???
He's a presumably otherwise intelligent person in a high powered job, yet the best reason he can find to justify supporting the drug industry in this way,is because it keeps his nose nice.
That alone would make me turn on my heels and walk It's never going to improve from here on in is it?

Ha ha ha ha, good job I'm lying down reading this thread, it's a Friday night classic.

Yuk no thank you!

I take drugs from time to time. I hang out with people who take drugs from time to time (non-addictively).

Even given the above, I would have zero hesitation to dump him.

That level of use so early on in a relationship with someone who's shown no interest in it suggests an addiction, when challenged he's minimising it, and it seems very habitual to him. Those are all problems to me.

I wouldn't date anyone whose use was more than extremely infrequent and very clearly non-addictive. A casual night down the pub in no way requires drugs, and it's a terrible sign if it does. As is habitual use in/through the workplace.

You can do very much better.

If he had a glass of wine you wouldn’t have mentioned it. The same thing really. What an odd little world we live in.

Run. I lived next door to a regular cocaine smoker and drinker. From time to time there would be sounds of shouting and violence coming through the wall. It was very disturbing. Dont get involved. He is almost certainly underplaying how much he is using and if not then it will escalate over time.

Sorry. Read the full post!

At my age (35) any type of drugs is a no.
It’s not who I am and I don’t want to be around it.

Maybe he would have been able to afford a mortgage if he wasn’t wasting his money on coke.

In the bin.

A man in his 50s who's been divorced a long time who's a barrister and cant afford a mortgage..... hmm mm chinny reckon. You have pulled a lying drug addict and the sex is crap. Send the text now.

Agree

It never ceases to amaze me how those of us who work hard every day and never do alcohol or drugs are unable to get the jobs we want and instead end up in completely average job roles, yet the biggest fucking idiots on the planet who "smoke cocaine" can somehow become barristers.

OP, my advice to you is to find a normal person instead. You know, someone who likes normal things and doesn't "smoke cocaine."

Op one of the symptoms of adhd is being gullible…..

think he’s feeding you a few lines along with himself….

a model barrister aged 55? Do you actually think middle aged male barristers would be interested in modelling 😂

nope.

Full of shit, in more ways than one.

You snort coke you smoke crack cocaine

Why are you making multiple threads about this?

You hardly even know this man, you’ve had a few dates. There have been multiple red flags from him.

Bin him off.