How much would someone smoking cocaine on a weekend bother you?

[400N]

I can’t decide if I have massively overreacted or if my gut instinct was right to end it over this

For context I have ADHD and find decision making really difficult - often changing my mind multiple times before making a final decision

I’ve been divorced 5 years and with DS now off to uni I began dating and all were terrible until this latest one

He is 55 so 10 years older than me, has his own flat ( rented as couldn’t afford a mortgage after his divorce ) and seems to be a great dad to his 2 kids although they are adults

We met the first evening for dinner and he was charming, paid for the meal and was lovely - he did seem quite loud and chatty but mentioned his kids both have ADHD so I thought maybe this was why

The second date was longer as we went for drinks after a meal and he suddenly starts sprinkling cocaine into a roll up cigarette as if this was completely normal behaviour

I made my excuses and left early although continued to talk and message before he asked why I was avoided meeting him again and I told him - he said it only happens when he drinks which I believed then as didn’t see any signs on date 1 and if he wanted to hide it altogether I thought he would have sniffed it rather than smoked it in front of me?

Anyway date 3 rolled around and we went to a film, all nice but he wanted to go for drinks after and I didn’t want the topic to come up so left early

Date 4 he booked a hotel - he started smoking it again after a few drinks at the bar and I found the sex really weird
It lasted a very very long time and all felt quite detached on his part

Weirdly straight after was very loving and close and he had bought me a beautiful necklace for my upcoming birthday which he gave to me early

He holds down a high powered job and works very long hours and says this is just his way of unwinding - for me cocaine is to get high and have a buzz?

Ive never taken drugs and don’t know if I’m considering ending a really good thing over a weekend habit or whether this is what addiction actually looks like and I’m being an idiot

Any help very gratefully received xx

Agreed
They split when the kids were very young
His version is she met someone else and went onto remarry him

So he’s never been a full time dad - I guess allowing him to live this lifestyle through his 30/40/50s

It would be an INSTANT deal-breaker for me.

I'd dump him and avoid him.

Zero tolerance for drugs.

Isn't smoking cocaine essentially crack cocaine? I don't know, I've never been around it. I do know any form of cocaine is highly addictive, the fact that he is doing it in front of you so early very much sounds like it's an addiction. If you're dating someone who doesn't do drugs surely you're on your best behavior when getting to know them.

I’m surprised you went on date 3.

Isn't " smoking cocaine" basically taking crack?

Oh that would be an instant massive no for me.

Ive never taken drugs so have been made to feel really judgemental by him for my opinion

Fuck off mate would be my response. How old is he with this 'oh you're really judgemental' malarkey, fifteen?

Barrister and part time model.... come on.

Yanbu.

Drugs of any kind would be a complete deal breaker for me.

People who criticise you for being judgemental about their (or others’) behaviour are in my opinion a big red flag.

Using judgement is how we protect ourselves from others’ poor and hurtful behaviour.

Being judgemental about poor behaviour is how we ensure people behave well. (It’s a shame people didn’t judge Russell Brand’s behaviour more harshly 15 years ago. If such promiscuity had been unacceptable in a public figure he wouldn’t have been able to carry on using his platform and BBC facilities to entrap people.)

He's grim as fuck

Run.

He has done it so openly infront of you to see your reaction. If you left and refused to see him again he would move onto the next and do the exact same thing until he finds somone who is willing to accept it. He doesn't want to hide it because he doesnt want to stop so only wants to be with someone who accepts it. Given you haven't walked away (yet) he presumes you accept his habit and if you try to change him or give him an ultimatinum further down the line etc he will either straight tell you no or he will begin hiding it. He will even likely try to convince you to try it "just once". Either way, you are in for many years of absolute misery. It is not fun, happy or stable being with anyone who is a drug user and given how open he is about it, it is very unlikely this is just a weekend habit. If it isn't yet an addiction, weekend habits don't remain weekend habits and turn to dependancy and then addiction. If you want normal, stable, joy and happiness then walk away. If you want misery, unstable, lies and chaos then remain.

Nope, no, no way. Coke users are boring and irritating, and the sex will be crap. Not someone I'd want to have a relationship with.

Yes crack cocaine. Its highly addictive and dangerous.
Walk away while you still can

You did the right thing - don't second guess yourself.

Steer clear of drug users. Why invite.problems into your life?

Yes to all of this.

Yes it is x

Ask him why he doesn't get diagnosed with ADHD and get on legal ADHD meds, which will eradicate cravings for cocaine in most people. It's obvious who has been snorting coke from the constant sniffing or nose bleeds. That suggests to me he is trying to avoid that and is more addicted than he thinks. There certainly are many people who take it as socially as alcohol, it was always the case for me before I had children, I always missed it when I had a drink or was socialising, but didn't seek it out or take it. All desire for it went after being medicated for ADHD though. Sex while on coke is notoriously shit though and as you described, the fact that he is taking it when you don't, and knows the sex will be shit and still does it is another sign he is an addict. I think you'd be mad to continue dating him. Financially he doesn't sound a safe bet either. He's a barrister but can't afford to buy a house, because he's wasting his money sprinkling coke in cigarettes. Unless you are just after something very casual then he's not for you.

I actually find those upper middle class professional drug users really really despicable. Its not like they are seeking relief from a life of misery, hopelessness and penury. No just like the buzz - and I suspect they like the buzz of illegality otherwise they'd just be alcoholics like previous generations. They are direct contributors to the havoc the cocaine industry has wrecked.

Apart from that a 50 year old barrister who can't afford a mortgage. Yeah right. He is either lying or spending ALL his money on drugs

Apart from that why would you stick around for weird sex?

Apart from that anyone who takes out an illegal drug on a second date has zero respect for anyone else and is severely addicted.

Why are you even defending your decision to him? tell him to get lost.

when I googled it said powdered cocaine cannot be effectively smoked. Obviously what happens in real life may be different but apparently it’s rarely done and pointless because it burns at too high a temperature

I don't know if you're BSing us or he's BSing you, but he's a 55 year old barrister (and part time model) who divorced the mum of his now adult kids when they were really young.... and he still can't afford a mortgage? He must be a terrible barrister and unsuccessful model, or has smoked a house-worth of cocaine. None of this is looking likely is it? Honestly smoking a cigarette would be enough for me not to date someone. Add the cocaine and I'm getting up and walking out mid dessert (and I love dessert).

No, no that is only if you are on benefits and living in a sink estate. Then it is taking crack. You couldn't possibly apply that term to a barrister taking the same substance, from the same dealer, in the same manner in a nice bar in soho. Don't be silly.

Does he burn it on a little spoon and use wire wool to smoke it off? Maybe a tin can for a pipe?
Because that's called " crack" . Not that I'm an expert or anything but used to see the bits of discarded wire wool on the floor of the ladies loo in McDonald's Kings Cross where the crackheads used to party. Or whatever they called it.