Boyfriend not sure he wants to marry me

[FtmS0ph]

Me and my boyfriend are both 29 i'm 9 months post partum and had quite a traumatic birth which has taken me months to health from.
In those 9 months me and my boyfriend have hardly had sex, mainly because my libido has completely gone and my hormones are still not back to normal and i've only recently started feeling like myself again.
Yesterday we were talking about marriage and he said he'd been reading something about sexless marriages and that they always end badly and then he said that he hasn't asked me to marry him yet because we don't have sex and that he's not sure if he wants that for the rest of his life.
It obviously upset me because for the first couple of months he was really understanding about it but now it feels like he doesn't care, i've also tried explaining to him why I don't feel like it but it's like he doesn't understand. I really don't know how to feel about this and I don't know what to do. I love him a lot and want a future with him but I feel like I don't have much of a choice in this.

You absolutely shouldn’t do anything you don’t feel ready to do but also, his concerns about the future are valid. Perhaps he’s looking for some reassurance that once you’re fully well, you’d like to continue working on this side of your relationship again? If you don’t, that’s 100% your choice but I think he should know what the score is before committing himself to marriage.

Thank you for your comment, it's nice knowing there are still some understanding people on here x
I will be going to see my GP next week to hopefully get some support and change contraception. My partner is coming with me too and hopefully he'll learn something whilst there

Are you engaged? Why didn’t he ask you to marry him when things were good?

I think this is a great idea and so glad your bf is coming with you too. Shows commitment. Wishing you all the best. It may be baby steps so to speak but am sure in time you’ll get back to a normality that suits you both.

If you and your partner split, its likely that you will meet someone else and will be intimate with them as its unlikely you would find a partner who does not want intimacy. So would you rather start something with someone new or your current partner? Its worth considering. If you are not wanting to be intimate, are there other reasons? I know we are all different and recover at different stages but I have had two extremely traumatic and life threatening pregnancy and births, but after 9 months we were starting to be intimate, although not as often as pre-children, but still maintaining a level of intimacy. Intimacy is the only difference between being good friends and partners. In my opinion!

Well there you go. You have accused those of us who are saying this is a problem of being unsympathetic, and those who are saying its completely normal and hes a bastard of being kind. You like those people. However, I disagree that they are being kind. We are saying this isn't normal - not normal or good for YOU - you said yourself you had a high libido. We are being sympathetic to you because we are saying its been a long time - its not 6 weeks out its 9 months! Unless something has gone drastically wrong, you will be completely healed by now, and your hormones should be back to normal.

It is a really positive step for you that you are going to come off of the pill and go to the GP to investigate this further. Rather than seeing your DP as an unsympathetic bastard, try and reframe it as he wants his partner back, and his sex life back with you, - for himself and for you because he loves you and craves that intimacy - and if you were in your right mind you would too.

There could be things he could do to help you get back to yourself. Doing more with the baby, cleaning up more, leaving you to sleep longer - work that out for yourself and ask him. Im not saying have sex under duress - that wont work, you will resent him and it will be yuk. Im saying work towards you WANTING to have sex and intimacy again. Make it a priority, and see what he has said as a wake up call, a positive. Not a negative. Its a really good thing that hes shone a light on it, and as long as he deals with it sensitively now and listens to what you need to get there again, it shows that he really loves you.

it's nice knowing there are still some understanding people on here x

It's alarming to know that you think your partner's perspective doesn't deserve understanding too.

I never said that I saw him as an unsympathetic bastard and I never asked other people to call him one either.
I mainly posted this because I wanted advice and hoped that there would be someone who went through a similar thing as I felt quite alone and thought maybe I was being selfish for not having sex with him. I obviously don't want my sex life to be shit for the rest of my life or my partner's. After reading a lot of helpful comments, I know what I can do now and I hope things will get better.
Thanks for your comment though 👍🏼

You're just assuming stuff now. I never said that his perspective doesn't deserve understanding. I do understand how he feels and if you read my comment below you'll see that

You've only responded positively to people who completely take your side, and you've described comments defending his perspective as insensitive.

I was on the pill when I was much younger for a couple of years, before I met my husband, I never noticed low libido or anything but when I came off it my sex drive picked up and felt like it continued to pick up for a long time after. The whole time I've been with my husband we successfully used a combination of fertility tracking, the pull out method and sometimes condoms, so it can be done. Hubby is incredibly disciplined when it comes to pulling out so that helps.

My DD is 6 months old now, I'm still breast feeding and it feels like my sex drive is just starting to get back to being normal-ish again. Its lower than it was but its closer to normal than zero, we're having some sex and its good. We started with more fooling around to begin with that didn't end up with full sex, which was nice and I've always been a fan of that anyway, there was a couple of months of that increasing in frequency. Full sex is still ever so slightly uncomfortable initially still but improving. Probably within a couple of months of the birth I felt like I wanted to have sex again, in my head I wanted to want it, but my body took another couple of months to get the memo, the biological arousal cues took a while to get going again. I think its hormonal, I haven't had a period yet, I'm expecting when I stop breast feeding everything should go back to normal.

I think you need to work on the sex thing, I can understand you're feeling hurt but I also get where your boyfriend is coming from. It is kind-of like an ultimatum which can't feel nice, but at least he is being honest with you rather than stringing you along. You need honesty to fix whatever is wrong and I think your boyfriend is right that a healthy sexlife is pretty much essential for a healthy relationship. We had zero sexual contact for a couple of months immediately after the birth and hubby was very good about that. After a while I made a conscious effort to not ignore his erection if we were having a cuddle in bed and you know what? Even when I didn't really feel in the mood for sex I enjoyed playing with it, enjoyed his reactions, enjoyed the obvious effect it had on his mood, and I think it probably helped my libido recover, just having 'exposure' to something sexual. I'd made clear to him penetrative sex was not on the cards yet so for a while our sex life was not much more than a morning wank or occasional BJ for him and then on a night depending how it went with getting DD to bed, I'd just lean back against him on the sofa and put his hand down my PJs or give myself a bit of a warmup in the shower and then stroll back into the bedroom with nothing on, he's always liked going down and although my responses weren't there initially it still felt good, the more I let him touch me the more I wanted his touch, my responses picked up and it wasn't long before everything was working as it should again.

I'm not suggesting there's a 'best way' to approach this, but I think there's something to be said for dipping your toes in the water even if you don't feel that up for it. Good luck!

There are options other than the mini pill is what she means

Theres implant, copper coil, hormonal coil, ring to name a few

This is excellent advice.

”after 9 months you should be completely healed” - not necessarily!! I know my scar tissue after my first didn’t feel ok until 18months pp, luckily I had an easier time with my subsequent births. There is so much variation in women’s recovery after birth that what was true for you cannot be applied to ANYONE else.

There are some really nasty responses on this thread - I’m glad you’re going to the GP with your partner OP. I think what you’re experiencing is very normal - that doesn’t mean it’s great, but it’s definitely not unusual

If you don't mind me asking, did you have an episiotomy? As that's what I had to have.
My scar tissue from that also doesn't feel great atm but it's feeling better than what it did a few months ago
Thank you for your comment though.

You do have a choice. Hormonal contraceptives make a lot of women depressed (myself included) I tried the non hormonal coil, twice aswell, which was awful. I haven’t used any contraceptives in years. We use condoms and both have an app which tracks my cycle. It is not just the woman’s responsibility to sort out birth control.

What I have learnt in life is-if he wanted to, he would, it really is that simple.