Boyfriend not sure he wants to marry me

[FtmS0ph]

Me and my boyfriend are both 29 i'm 9 months post partum and had quite a traumatic birth which has taken me months to health from.
In those 9 months me and my boyfriend have hardly had sex, mainly because my libido has completely gone and my hormones are still not back to normal and i've only recently started feeling like myself again.
Yesterday we were talking about marriage and he said he'd been reading something about sexless marriages and that they always end badly and then he said that he hasn't asked me to marry him yet because we don't have sex and that he's not sure if he wants that for the rest of his life.
It obviously upset me because for the first couple of months he was really understanding about it but now it feels like he doesn't care, i've also tried explaining to him why I don't feel like it but it's like he doesn't understand. I really don't know how to feel about this and I don't know what to do. I love him a lot and want a future with him but I feel like I don't have much of a choice in this.

I'm kind of siding with your boyfriend here.

If we want to have a relationship whereby we demand monogamy from the other person then we have got a responsibility to see to that side of things ourselves. Like it comes with the job so to speak.

I'd be seriously trying to fix the no sex issue, it can't be much fun for him.

You should think about whether you truly want a future with a man who is this fickle and lacking in empathy

had quite a traumatic birth which has taken me months to health from.

But you 'side' with the BF? Fuck.

He's right to be cautious if he feels anything isn't right, not just sex but anything at all.

I wish I'd listened to my gut before I married my ex husband, but we too had a baby and that's the reason I went ahead.

But equally he's thinking about whether he truly wants a future with someone who may never have sex again.

Both very valid.

I think both of you could do with a bit more empathy and consideration for the other person, and better communication. Yes, he should absolutely be empathetic and supportive of you, and not be pushing you to have sex if you are not ready. However, a sexless marriage is a major strain on a long-term relationship. So fix the issues in your relationship (including but not limited to sex) before discussing marriage.

Are you on medication like the contraceptive pill that could be having an effect on your libido?

Yes, i'm on the mini pill

Surely if he wanted to marry you he would have done so before the baby arrived?
In your shoes I would tell him he’s free to fuck off and live the life of his dreams.

You need to find a way back to intimacy with your boyfriend. Hopefully he can be understanding and compassionate - it’s always hard after the birth of a child - but no one is going to sign up to a life with no sex.

It would definitely be better to fix this relationship now you have a child. Blended families cause a lot of upset because no one loves your child like their own other parent.

Are you breastfeeding? Many women report that this destroys their libido for the duration.

To be blunt, this is why you marry before you have the baby.

Just to be clear we have a great relationship, it's just the sex that is the problem.
I'm also on the mini pill which I know is the main problem for my libido/ hormones but I have no choice but to take it.
Also we do have sex it's just not very often and why should I force myself into it when he can't be slightly more understanding especially when I've explained why.

He’s right to be honest with you. Having a sexual relationship is important to most people. It’s so hard to navigate and I have a lot of empathy with struggling post partum. However it sounds like this is something for you both to consider and to discuss before marrying. Maybe you need more time to recover before you can both assess what your relationship will be like long term and work out if you are aligned.

How long were you together pre-baby?
and has he said why he didn’t think to marry you then when presumably your sex life was satisfactory?

I’m not saying he should sign up to a life of celibacy but don’t let him dangle the carrot of marriage.

I would think very carefully before getting married.

Really? Op's body has only just recovered from a traumatic birth, but op needs to fix the no sex issue to make the relationship fun again for him, as she has a responsibility to fix that side of things if she demands monogamy. Sorry I know I just repeating what you said, but, to repeat myself, really?
I know he is concerned about a life of potentially not being compatible intimately, which i get, but I think its kinder to ask how you are now physically and mentally@FtmS0ph, have you received or been offered counselling?

9 months is a very long time to be recovering post-partum. You should be back to normal by now and if you arent then you should see a doctor. You should want this for yourself. Getting your libido back to normal is important for YOU. You are a woman first and foremost.

Second to that, of course your relationship will suffer. Relationships need sex to survive - otherwise you are just roommates/friends. Hes not a bastard for not wanting to marry you until he is sure about the relationship - and sex is a big big part.
I think any partner at any stage of life owes it to themselves first and foremost, and then to their partner to be extremely proactive at any dip in sexual function. Im menopausal and if my libido dipped Id be straight to the GPs. I would expect my parnter to do the same if there were any issues. We have matching libidos (high) and our sex life is extremely important to us, so we would be proactive in fixing that should things wain for any reason at all.

If I was him, I woudl feel very differently if I saw you were taking active about it a lot lot earlier than 9 months and making it seem like YOU saw it as an issue that needs to be addressed. He shouldn't have had to say anything.

9 months is a LONG time. It cant be fun for him - but also for her!

Unbelievable. As are other responses on this thread. OP had a traumatic birth which took a lot of time to heal from. Giving birth to HIS child. And yet all the sympathy is with the bf. All the onus is on OP to fix this and she is for some inexplicable reason at fault.
It's up to BOTH of them to work on this. And if he can' see this and have patience and give OP time then he is not worth the effort.

I’d not want to marry him. He doesn’t sound very supportive, just wants to make sure he can still get his leg over.

I can see both sides here.

I sympathise with you and the traumatic birth and I totally understand why your desire has not fully come back. It takes time anyway after birth so you have every right to take your time and do things on your terms when you feel ready.

However, your DP has been honest with you in how he feels about this rather than sulk and be moody. He has opened up and told you what he thinks and feels. We always say we want honesty from our men and he has given it to you.

He has every right to want to have a relationship where sex plays a part of it and he is obviously feeling cautious about proceeding to marriage when he has been honest and said that he doesn't know if he could be in a marriage where there is no sex. At this moment in time he doesn't know if your desire will ever return.

Therefore you both need to work together to try and get your intimacy back. It doesn't even have to be full sex, but work on ways to keep your intimacy there. Are you otherwise affection towards each other?

I assume you want to feel the desire again and you want the intimate side of your relationship back too. So talk to each other and work on ways to slowly improve this.

He sounds awful. Be careful OP.

What’s your living situation? Do you have a job? Family you can depend on if you need to?

I'm also on the mini pill which I know is the main problem for my libido/ hormones but I have no choice but to take it.

There is always a choice.